Ready to be flamed.....

(135 Posts)
Onlylonelymonster Fri 11-Oct-13 00:20:44

My dd has just started Reception. An old friend (different schools) has invited her to a birthday on Sun which we rsvpd yes 2 weeks ago. She's just been invited last minute to a class party (no particular friend) and wants to go as she doesn't want to miss out being with new friends. My old friend (lots of history.....) is not going to like it but I don't want to force my daughter to "do the right thing".....I just want to let her choose. WIBU to un RSVP and tell my friend the truth?

Beastofburden Fri 11-Oct-13 17:21:46

sorry- xposted- well done OP, right move.

think about having the 2nd party around xmas smile

Beastofburden Fri 11-Oct-13 17:21:14

I would tell the child that she isn't free to accept because she has made a promise to someone else. She is absolutely old enough for this message; equally she is absolutely old enough to get the message that you can let people down if you feel like it.

If you worry she is missing out, hold your own class party around Christmas instead.

PatoBanton Fri 11-Oct-13 16:09:33

Oh I think you have done the right thing - nice work smile

onlylonelymonster Fri 11-Oct-13 12:49:16

OK...I seem to have inflamed loads of people and reading all your comments has definitely been food for thought. I decided to stick with the first party as we had rsvpd and I don't want to upset my friend (eventhough I personally wouldn't think it was a big deal myself). DD took it ok though was a bit anxious, with reassurance she seems fine. Really hope she has a good time now. Thanks for the advice everyone it helped.

PatoBanton Fri 11-Oct-13 11:01:58

We have missed LOADS of parties and I've never even held one for my children till they got to about 7 anyway - their friendships have definitely not suffered as a result.

OTOH a friend your child rarely sees, well that will mean more than a party with kids she sees every single day iyswim.

I think you're overthinking it - just go to the original one you agreed to, and wait for the enormous number of class parties yet to come, especially in the summer months.

Everyone stops doing whole class stuff and often just does boys or girls once you get to KS2 anyway. Or just a few mates to the cinema, etc.

I hate the social pressure and find that they just encourage children to go apeshit, it's the pack mentality, someone always gets hurt, etc etc.

CrapBag Fri 11-Oct-13 10:56:46

pictish grin

pictish Fri 11-Oct-13 10:50:55

Awww poor Peppi - hahahahaaa! grin

Never mind love - you hide the thread and tell yourself you're not a selfish git, and it's everyone else that's in the wrong with their boring old manners and consideration for others. Lovely!

AbiRoad Fri 11-Oct-13 10:50:19

My DDs were invited at that age to parties of friends from nursery who had gone to different schools. I have to say that they did not particularly enjoy them as old friend was mainly hanging out with their new school friends and they did not know anyone else. They are twins so could at least hang out together, but would have been tough if they had gone on their own. So I can understand why your DD prefers to go to the school party, but I think you are stuck with the original acceptance. In your situation, if it was a good friend I would be minded to mention the situation in passing phrased on the basis that she is going to original party... "DD is struggling with making friends and was delighted to get the invitation but shame she cant go as on the same date etc etc"... I think most of my friends would in that situation say oh of course she must go to new party, in which case I would probably let her go and immediately arrange something else with friend and DC at my expense. If friend did not offer the get out I would stick with the original invitation.

mrsjay Fri 11-Oct-13 10:47:16

och well peppi i am sure you are as fickle as your sound on here lets just all do what suits us and feck other peoples feelings sigh

PeppiNephrine Fri 11-Oct-13 10:44:34

If you don't read the posts don't comment on them. Especially with idiotic generalisations that say more about you.
I wouldn't want to be friends with people who get shreiky if kid doesn't come to their kids party for whatever reason. And I reckon all you "its rude" types do this anyway, you just justify it to yourself when you do it.

Hiding thread. You folks are too much like hard work.

pootlebug Fri 11-Oct-13 10:43:22

Peppi your coffee v tea with the Queen analogy is missing the point. This is rather that you've arranged coffee with a friend and another friend that you're keen to get to know better asks if you can do coffee at the same time. Most people would say they had a prior arrangement, not cancel in favour of the better offer. Nothing to do with rigid rules, just basic politeness.

mrsjay Fri 11-Oct-13 10:43:08

and by nt going to the first party isn't appearing rude it is rude, it is saying well this is more important than that

mrsjay Fri 11-Oct-13 10:40:48

well I think you are teaching your dd to be rude and you are not doing the right thing because you are now dismissing your friends party for some random school child just because you dont want your dd to miss out, I would be hurt and wouldn't understand if my friend did this to me, your dd has years of parties she is not going to be a social outcast because she didnt go to a school party,

CrapBag Fri 11-Oct-13 10:36:49

Peppi if you think its ok to cancel on friends when a better offer comes along and everyone should be ok with it because we all live with rods in our arses and need to be more free and easy going then you are not a considerate person and clearly have no respect for people.

I certainly wouldn't be friends with people who think its ok to treat others like that.

pictish Fri 11-Oct-13 10:36:03

Oh I am far from proper Peppi - but I am considerate to my friends. smile

pictish Fri 11-Oct-13 10:35:19

Me too lazy grin

PeppiNephrine Fri 11-Oct-13 10:34:30

How very exhausting it must be to be so rigid.
You're welcome to your own opinion though you might want to be a bit less proper, it's not the beacon of good manners you seem to think.

Viviennemary Fri 11-Oct-13 10:34:16

She should learn good manners and go to the party she has accepted the invitation for.

pictish Fri 11-Oct-13 10:33:56

I didn't even see your post suggesting the OP lie. I was talking about my own experiences there.
And yes - I think they are arseholes.

cheeseandpineapple Fri 11-Oct-13 10:33:22

Would call old friend and after initial pleasantries to establish everything on track for party eg check if lots of people coming would say,

"something's come up which I wanted to sound out with you. An invite for a class party for exactly same time as your dd's party was sent last week but dd was sick so only just got it.Ordinarily I would just turn the invite down but dd has been finding it really tough to make friends and settle into new class so a class party might really help her with feeling more connected and settled with her class. Really annoying that it's at exactly the same time as your party as dd's been looking forward to it and don't want to let your dd down but was wondering how your dd might feel if dd goes to other party and we could have your dd over for a birthday tea separately so we can give her pressie or take her out for a treat to make up for it as really keen to ensure that dd maintains her old friendships too, feel lousy even raising it but wanted to sound you out and see what you think. Personally would much rather come to yours and catch up with you and everyone else but also thinking this might be a chance to help dd settle better at school, what do you think?"

Chances are your friend will give you her blessing even if deep down she's miffed but at least you've been straight with her. It can be tough when kids start school and parties do help break the ice, that said, there are bound to be plenty more parties which your dd will be invited to as class parties tend to be the norm when they're younger, partic in reception so it's probably not her only chance.

Just be sure it's not going to be a big let down to your friend's dd if your dd doesn't come along so if during pleasantries your friend says oh it's a nightmare everyone's cancelling, then don't say anything just ask her if there's anything you can bring and how much dd is looking forward to it. Only if it sounds like everything is on track and most of her good friends are going would raise the possibility of other party, if you really think it will help your dd...

LazyGaga Fri 11-Oct-13 10:32:47

Tea with the Queen? You can shove that up your arse, I'd rather go to the kid's party wink.

LazyGaga Fri 11-Oct-13 10:31:35

Ok, that's your philosophy on life and you're entitled to it.

I'm the Machiavellian arsehole who suggested a white lie to keep the peace if the OP decided to cancel. And I'm quite happy with that!

Never the twain shall meet in this case.

pictish Fri 11-Oct-13 10:31:22

Read the thread Peppi - I already said that exceptional circumstances such a tea with the Queen, would prevail.

Otherwise no. It's rude, socially inept and selfish, to ditch for better offer.

pictish Fri 11-Oct-13 10:28:54

Totally agree crappy.

PeppiNephrine Fri 11-Oct-13 10:28:21

Really? So I said I'd have a coffee with you, but then I'm invited to a reception with the queen, and I say: no thanks, I'm busy!

People change plans all the time. Take the rod out of your arse and have a word with yourself.

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