Should I be keeping in touch more with exh

(14 Posts)
moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 14:11:50

I have a child with exh.
He has two phone numbers for us plus skype, an email and Facebook.
He is on the same network so it is free for him to call us.
WE moved away from him but for good reason.

We have not seen him in three years (his interest wained when he got a new gf) he came less and less till not at all.
He does not phone.
He popped up last year and asked for overnight access, dd refused he was not happy and tried guilt but did not work.
He has not sent her birthday or christmas presents in past two years.
He does not work so does not send money for support.

I update major information to him and upload photos via Facebook of days out and special events.

I check the Facebook he is on every few days but thats it, I do not update that Facebook unless its pictures for him.

He moaned at me because I do not message often.

AIBU to think if he is interested he should call, message and ask how she is or whatever?

MDK Thu 10-Oct-13 14:16:14

I'd keep in contact but as far as I'm concerned it's up to him to do the running, just give your child access to him if she wants.

As a dad myself it' very sad to see someone being such an idiot, missing out on so much.. :-(

You moved away, doesn't mean he's no longer a parent and he can't pick and choose when to accept that responsibility, it's unfair to play the guilt card on a child who's barely seen you in years.

corlan Thu 10-Oct-13 14:18:23

YANBU.

The guy is a waste of space. All you should feel obliged to do is provide him with your contact details. Other than that, it's up to him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 14:23:34

YANBU - I would stop all of it. He can contact you.

He moaned at YOU - tell him to fuck off. End of.

glammanana Thu 10-Oct-13 14:24:11

YANBU,just make sure your child has contact details for him so it can never be said she was kept away from him,he is the grown up here he should be acting like one not expecting you to run around after him.

moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 14:28:13

Thank you,
He posted a message basically saying he wished he had had chance to spend time with dd and he had missed out on it all.

The agreement between us was because he does not work that he would use money instead of maintanence to pay for the train to meet half way (£10 at the time not sure now) but he stopped after a while.

I offered him every other month, i.e I came to his town one month, he came to my nearest city next giving him two months each time to save £10 but he did not.

I know he has had money, large amounts from tax rebates and a council house down swap he got a large amount of money for (thousands) and I know he does cash in hand work, I know he will try and say he has not been because of money but he always seems to have had money for new computers and gadgets and nights out and phones and such.

I just feel like I have tried and now I should leave ball in his court.

moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 14:32:30

and tbh if I could not see my child in person I would be on the phone every day if it was free to call.

DD doesn't want to know really now, she has not seen him since she was eight at all, and even then it was only once that year.

corlan Thu 10-Oct-13 14:37:38

if I could not see my child in person I would be on the phone every day

This is exactly why I would stop trying. Most of us would crawl over broken glass if it was the only way to be with our kids. This guy just can't be bothered.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 14:44:19

Who is benefitting out of the effort you put in? Him and only him - why bother?

He is an idiot, the less you have to do with him the healthier your sanity levels will be.

He made the choice not to visit - your DD will understand that when she is older (she probably does now).

If she changes her mind and wants to see him I'm sure you will do what you can to assist her - until then, dickhead's on his own with his pity party.

Davsmum Thu 10-Oct-13 15:02:14

Your ex should be making the effort. He should be consistent. He should not let anyone else get in the way of him seeing his child - i.e. girlfriends!

Of course your daughter should be allowed to see him if she wants to - but not if she doesn't!

moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 15:05:27

Thats what I thought, I thought of deleting the Facebook because I only use it for him and leaving him with the two numbers he has and just leaving it.

If he wants to get in touch I have never stopped him but tbh in past when he has turned out dd has been younger and all over him because she has really missed him so he has not learnt what he has done is wrong, now she is older I think he would get a different reaction, she is pretty angry at him for the lack of contact for birthdays and christmas, I also think he knows this and thats why he is not coming tbh.

She now also has positive male role models in her life and I think has realised what a "good dad" is.

moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 15:08:29

His gf did not stop him in fairness, he just lost interest when he had other people in his life who could provide nights out and beer.
In fact his gf sent me a message saying she hoped I realised she was not preventing him from having contact with my dd.

moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 15:10:51

Is a ten year old even allowed to decide she does not want to see him though if he did turn up?
I was under the impression they had to be 13/14 before they would be listened to in court and until then they could keep swanning in and out of their lifes doing damage.

olgaga Thu 10-Oct-13 15:15:21

I think it's just as well he's out of her life if all he does is guilt-trip her about staying overnight. Thanks to his own lack of effort, he's practically a stranger. Sad but at least she has a great mum.

Let him make the effort.

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