to be p***ed off and upset with dp for.........

(46 Posts)
twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 09:55:56

going to stay with his ex for the weekend.

My dp and I have have been together 2 years and have 2 children together.
Dp has a ds from a previous relationship. His ds lives in Holland and therefore doesn't get to see him very often.

Dp is planning to travel to Holland in 2 weeks to spend his ds' birthday weekend with him BUT the problem I have with this is he is going to be spending the whole weekend at his ex's.

He would've liked me to go with him, but with work commitments and the 2 dc's I can't go with him. If I had been going with him we would've got a b&b but as he is going alone, his ex has offered to let him stay with them for the weekend, sleeping on the floor in their ds' room.
I am really uncomfortable with this. I know his ex fairly well, we have met several times and we get on well, even had a night out together.
They split up 10 years ago and I know neither has any feelings for the other, she recently ended a relationship with the father of her 2 other children and is now in a new relationship.

It's not because I am worried something might happen between them that I am worried about, I trust him and know she has no interest in him in that way but I still can't help feeling it's a bit weird for him to be staying in the same house as her, going out on day trips, just the three of them, having meals together, drinks together in the evenings when the kids are in bed etc it makes me really uncomfortable to think about it.

I know he doesn't get to see his son often so I'm not going to tell him he can't go but I would much prefer it if he got a b&b rather than stay at the house, but apparently they live in the middle of nowhere so it would cost a fortune in taxis's to and from a b&b in the nearest town and it would just be easier, and cheaper for him to stay there.

So, my question is, AIBU to be a little hurt, or am I overreacting?

mynewpassion Thu 10-Oct-13 20:15:27

Now thinking about it. It is better for him to get a bnb. He gets to spend more quality time with his son by taking back there for a couple of nights. No need to deal with the other children in the home.

mynewpassion Thu 10-Oct-13 19:24:06

Him, the son , two half siblings, and the ex. Not playing happy families for sure.

impatienttobemummy Thu 10-Oct-13 19:11:12

apachepony I agree with your post, I've not been in your position OP but I know I would feel weird about it bit would end up doing the right thing in the end which is what your doing. Keep busy that weekend. Tbh seeing as his DS gets little time with him it's nice for him that he gets his Dad to himself on this occasion, I'm sure it will all be fine

meganorks Thu 10-Oct-13 18:45:47

YABU
You say you have no trust issues so I don't see the problem. He is going to see his son and this way he will see much more of him and not spend so much money. Sounds win win to me.

DoJo Thu 10-Oct-13 18:30:56

Just think of it like this: he's not staying with his ex, he's staying with his son. If his son lived with his grandparents/best friend/cousin, he'd be staying there, with his son. That's the important part, the rest is just incidental.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 13:53:20

No, it was a brief relationship, only a couple of months. I decided to end and shortly afterwards found out I was pregnant.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 10-Oct-13 13:44:27

Oh i seeeeeeee!

Was there any infidelity issues in your past relationship?

Threalamandaclarke Thu 10-Oct-13 13:30:58

Can see why you fel a bit uncomfortable. This is one of the reasons I would never have got together with a man who I knew had DCs.
It's just on my "don't touch with a bargeople" list.
I'm sure it will be fine. Try to enjoy the time on your own with your dcs. I think that's what I would do.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 13:21:50

Thanks all, feel much better now after reading your responses.
A lot of what you've said is right.

To answer a few questions, his ex's new relationship is very new, and they don't live together.
DP's son was a baby when they split so doesn't remember things any other way. In fact, their relationship in the last year is the best it has ever been according to DP, his ex and their ds.
We have 2 DC's together they are twins (6) and although we have only been together 2 years, we first had a relationship 7 years ago then split, but that's another story.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 10-Oct-13 13:01:45

I know a family who holiday with the exs and children all together. It must be lovely for the children to have that and sets a good role model. I think its quite unusual and would probably feel weird at first! But they just thought about how it would feel to the children.

Very mature.

Dahlen Thu 10-Oct-13 12:57:00

This wouldn't bother me personally but I can understand it. I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy, either.

Every family has a of 'story' of how they came to be, what makes their family special, etc. It's a way of marking themselves out as unique in a world populated by other families. Your DH spending time in another family's story feels like it diminishes the uniqueness of your own. You can feel that without feeling in any way that your DH is likely to run off with his X.

It's a natural and quite rational reaction, but it's also unfounded, so it's one of those fears you simply have to face and power through by getting him to ring you every day and having lots of fun while he's away. Eventually, you can retrain your reaction sufficiently that you might even come to enjoy his time away with his son.

Good luck. smile

Squitten Thu 10-Oct-13 12:32:13

I can see why it would make you uncomfortable - it's more the thought of him being a "family" with someone else, even if only temporarily. Remember that he did want you to go too so it's not like it's been intentionally planned this way.

It will be great for his son and for him so don't make a big deal over it and plan something nice for yourself that weekend.

RabbitFromAHat Thu 10-Oct-13 12:09:55

Honestly, some people here (I'm sure paragons of virtue) are just being mean for the sake of it. You're doing the right thing by sucking it up, and I totally get why it's a little discomfiting.

FatPenguin Thu 10-Oct-13 12:03:59

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable, I would too. However as you said it would cost a lot for him to stay at a b&b and get taxis etc. I really don't think you have anything to worry about it's only a weekend. Your OH has been open and honest about the plan - he hasn't kept it from you. Be proud that he is dedicated to his son, after all you have children with him and if you split up you would expect the same.
Make some lovely plans for that weekend and treat yourself so that you have something to look forward to

blahblahblah2014 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:51:07

I wouldn't feel happy about it, I would want him to leave when his son is in bed and come back for breakfast - No need to stay and spend evenings with his ex. If his ex had her new partner in the house(not sure if she is now living with someone??) then i might not feel so bad but if not then no way i would like it.

uptheanty Thu 10-Oct-13 11:43:09

I understand what's making you feel uncomfortable.
He's your partner and the father of your children and you have a family unit the 4 of you.

He will be in Holland playing the happy family with other people....just the 3 of them....very cosy.

Feels weird right?

Does it give you any insight to how his ds feels about you and your children? They too were once perhaps that happy family and while the ex & dp no longer want to be together the ds didn't get a vote.

Instead he gets a week on his birthday where he is the most important person.

Good on your dp for prioritising his son.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 10-Oct-13 11:41:04

I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable with it . . .

but mostly Im amazed that you met someone less than two years ago and already have two children with them. That's fast work! grin

I would imagine that if it were me the relationship being still actually quite new (despite what you've achieved together in that time) could contribute to feelings of insecurity?

Spelt Thu 10-Oct-13 11:38:38

I think some of the responses are due to the fat. That you say that you're not going to tell him he can't do it, like that would even be an option.

Spelt Thu 10-Oct-13 11:36:59

Not odd to feel a bit uncomfortable, but totally right for him to try to maximise the amount of time he gets to see his son for.

apachepony Thu 10-Oct-13 11:33:43

Peppi, The op asked if she was yanbu to be a little hurt. I don't think she is, but she would bu if she prevented it happening. Which she quite clearly has said she isn't going to do. What is with all your aggro, you're clearly projecting your own issues if you are "appalled".

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:32:02

Thats not what you said. But whatever, I'm hiding this thread. But when someone posts from the other side "my ex's new girlfriend doesn't want him to some to my house to see his son etc etc" remember not to call her names like you normally would.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:25:35

I have NEVER said he can't or shouldn't, I simply wanted to ask on here if I alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with it.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:19:34

Catty? Don't be such a teenage girl.
How many posts do you see on here about men who don't see their children, fathers who won't make the effort etc etc? And here you have a man who travels abroad to see his son, and wants to sleep on the childs floor. And you have his girlfriend saying she doesn't like it, he should stay in a B&B far away and spend money on cabs and spend less time with the child! All because she just doesn't like it, for no good reason.
I'm appalled, to be honest.

apachepony Thu 10-Oct-13 11:16:16

Don't listen to the catty comments here from women who haven't been in the situation, I think the vast majority of women would feel a bit uncomfortable so yanbu with your feelings but it's what you do that counts. It sounds like you have nothing to worry about, it makes sense, so let him go with your blessings.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 11:14:42

Twinnie that sounds good. Have you arranged some nice things to do while he's away?

(Peppi - maybe chill a little?)

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