To want to punch my MIL in her interfering face?

(140 Posts)
crimsonwitch Thu 10-Oct-13 01:22:59

I have never quite seen eye to eye with the MIL, but tolerate her passive aggressive superiority because my DC love her and her them. My DP asked her to babysit Ds2 (5 months) for a few hours today while DD (10) and Ds1 (5) were at school, so we could go out for lunch together. It was the first time we have been out alone since he was born, and I was very grateful to MIL for agreeing to have him. Ds2 is ebf and has never had formula, so I expressed enough milk for her to feed him while we were gone. After a lovely lunch with Dp we went to MIL to pick up Ds and he was fast asleep (he should have been hungry by this point). MIL looking very pleased with herself said "The milk you brought looked funny so I threw it out, but Its ok, I brought some formula from asda the other day just incase, and look at the good its done him!" hmm MIL has been anti breastfeeding from the start always dropping totally unreasonable helpful hints on how ff would help Ds sleep better and would give me a break, ff is more socially acceptable, Dp won't bond properly, he is too big to still be breastfeeding hmm etc etc etc.... DP is very supportive of breastfeeding, but he and his whole family won't stand up to his mother no matter how wrong she is. Poor Ds has been sick a few times and is very uncomfortable now. I am in no way against ff by the way, just the way my MIL likes to control things all the fucking time with my dc. I could write a whole novel on her behaviour over the years. angry

GreenGiant3 Thu 10-Oct-13 08:01:23

What a bloody vindictive, evil little woman, I am livid for you OP!! Don't stand for this any longer, hire a babysitter if need be!! She sounds like a control freak. angryconfused

I hope DC is better today sadthanks x

Beccagain Thu 10-Oct-13 08:08:27

Yes she sounds dreadful but <runs and hides> so do you...really angry and unmeasured (possibly with justification, I don't know)

This is what makes me think so:

I feel very isolated because everyone else lets her be this self appointed matriarch including her other daughter in-laws. They let her get away with it so that she will babysit, buy lots of presents at xmas/birthdays (for them and dc) she signs cards to her other daughter in-laws love from mum and they call her mum, its sickening

We are clearly only hearing your side of this. Maybe, just maybe she is not quite the overbearing witch you think she is if her other dil's like her, but such is your take on things that you think nobody can possibly like her unless they are self interested. Heaven forbid they might just erm, be easier to get on with themselves. Yes I know you've said you're non assertive, but frankly, that may not be the whole unpolished case.

Sigh.....

rallytog1 Thu 10-Oct-13 08:08:55

I can't believe someone would throw away perfectly good breastmilk. As one of the fabled 2% of women who can't breastfeed, we were lucky enough to get 2 weeks' worth of donor milk for dd, and I honestly felt like we'd been given liquid gold. Anyone who would just throw the stuff away is just ignorant and rude. Blood boiling on your behalf op.

Beccagain Thu 10-Oct-13 08:10:54

Ih her other dils like her

You see you have got me so riled up I am forgetting that I am the apostrophe (or lack of it) queen of the world.

BlingBang Thu 10-Oct-13 08:21:28

I also usually open MIL threads with a sigh as I have the least interfering, opiniated MIL you could get and I only have boys so will be a MIL one day. But, I 'd be livid here, beyond furious. You need to back off from her and take control. What a cow.

Tuppenceinred Thu 10-Oct-13 08:30:53

Where ever you live, surely you can find yourself a babysitter? It would be better to pay to use a professional service for the odd night out. The way to deal with people like this is to stop being reliant on them and control the time you and your family are with them.

Tuppenceinred Thu 10-Oct-13 08:37:18

You know, you don't need to make a big thing of this by confronting her now, if you feel that would be difficult. Just let her find out gradually that things have changed. She offers to babysit "No thanks, I've made arrangements". Tries to take over when you're in her house "Actually MIL, we don't do things that way. Leave DC here". Or even "To be honest, I'm getting a bit tired of this, we're going home".
Be prepared to leave when things are slightly inconvenient, you only live just around the corner after all. Don't use her as a babysitter again, find your own reliable solution. Quietly take control. At some point if she says "You never let me look after the children" that might be the time to reply with "That's right, I don't. After you gave baby that formula milk and making him sick I decided I didn't want you ignoring my wishes any more".

ivykaty44 Thu 10-Oct-13 08:43:18

get a baby sitter and then tell mil you do this as she cant manage a simple baby sitting task you need to hire one.

you are always on the defence - start attacking

MarshaBrady Thu 10-Oct-13 08:50:40

God you poor thing.

I wouldn't ask her to babysit again. Find someone else that isn't hell bent on doing things their way no matter what.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 08:50:51

Exactly what tuppenceinred said - word for word! and ivy (and probably quite few others if I read all the replies!).

As for your DP - he needs to grow a pair and act like a MAN not a MOUSE. These are his children, he needs to put them first, not his mother & her stupid ways.

RevelsRoulette Thu 10-Oct-13 08:58:07

She doesn't sound like she loves them.

she's hit them, she bitches about you to /in front of them (nobody who loved a child would hurt them by doing that), she is happy to make them ill because she wants to get one over on you.

I honestly don't know where you're getting this idea of some sort of poweful love from. And even if she does, her clear contempt for you is damaging to your children. And I'd always be worried that if they didn't toe the line, she'd turn on them.

I'd sacrifice the babysitting to be free of that!

Buglugs Thu 10-Oct-13 09:15:42

I agree with Tuppenceinred as well, because I think if you do a big confrontation, she will just turn it into you being an unreasonable evil witch and poor her. People like this rarely have insight into their own behaviour and she may never accept that she is in the wrong here.

My dad behaves in similar way. He once did something very stupid to do with care of dn and db and sil went ballistic, and I told him I agreed with them. But, he will not admit he was in the wrong and instead he maintains that sil is unreasonable, cruel to him, poor him, was only trying to help, and db only backs her up because he is under evil sil's control.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 10-Oct-13 09:23:11

Wow.

Read toxic parents. Mull it over and work out boundaries, put in place strategies. Do not engage with her. She will win every time. She cares about being the top dog, you care about your family. You are playing a different game.

Good luck. Do relax now. It happened. Arrange for sitters to come around next time, or someone you can trust.

WaitMonkey Thu 10-Oct-13 09:31:53

shock angry Am do shocked by this. I would never let her near my children without supervision again.

HopeS01 Thu 10-Oct-13 09:39:40

Unbelievable !!! I think your DP needs to talk to her.
I would be furious too, OP

D0G Thu 10-Oct-13 09:43:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SidneyBristow Thu 10-Oct-13 09:46:06

OP I hope your DS is feeling better today and that you've both gotten some rest. You're in a shit situation but I feel like you're the one with the actual power - do what tuppence has suggested and just quietly go about minimizing your MIL's presence in your/your DC's lives.

Just to share, mother's mother is a poisonous bitch, constantly slagging off anyone who was out of earshot. [she's still alive but we've had no contact in many years] When we were little, my sister and I knew she was prickly, but our mum felt it important that we keep going around so as to have strong relationships with cousins/aunts/uncles etc. I think the combination of teenage moodiness and the allure of being our grandma's "special one" was too much to resist, and DS went from being normal to being poisonous and hateful also - she was miserably angry and I'm not exaggerating when I say it derailed our family life for 20 years. The tension in the house marred my childhood and almost permanently affected my sister's relationship with our parents. The only reason it ended was that eventually our grandmother went too far and DS couldn't deny she had been used. DS now feels she was manipulated and was never actually that important to our grandma - the pain the woman caused all of us is immeasurable.

People like your MIL are dangerous for children to be around. I'm glad your DC seem wary of her now, but please don't underestimate the influence your MIL could have. Keep them away from her - she's not to be trusted.

hackmum Thu 10-Oct-13 09:50:16

She sounds immensely stupid as well as nasty.

I think the only thing to do is not let her babysit your children ever again. She sounds like a positive menace - who knows what other weird ideas she might have about childrearing that she is going to inflict on them?

Legosareforever Thu 10-Oct-13 09:53:55

Op, sorry that your mil is so controlling and unreasonable. I cannot believe her behaviour, she is way out of angry shock.

I would read her the riot act and have a very serious conversation with your dh. My dh prefers to stay out of any conflict with his folks and, in doing so, makes everything much worse. I think this kind of passivity can put a serious strin on a marriage.

Your dh needs to grow a spine and sit his mother down and tell her that you and him are in charge. And that if she oversteps again, she will miss out on seeing her gc.

Your mil sounds like a narcissist.

thanks to you or having to put up with her.

pictish Thu 10-Oct-13 09:55:54

I think she sounds utterly dreadful! She is overbearing, entitled, inappropriate, arrogant and lacking in emotional intelligence. I don't blame you for being so angry and put out at all!

BUT

I think the formula/being sick thing is a red herring. I bf two of mine exclusively, but then switched over to formula, and the change didn't make either of them sick. I think your ds was just sick anyway - probably from being overfed...but I doubt it was because of the evil formula. Still her fault...but be wary of making it all about the formula. That makes YOU look unreasonable as well.

It's high time your dh stood up to his bloody mother!!!

BurberryQ Thu 10-Oct-13 10:05:50

perhaps it was not the formula per se that made him sick, but who knows, an unsterilised bottle/too much milk perhaps?
either way you need to take control and that means no more babysitting, ever.

Donkeyok Thu 10-Oct-13 10:08:46

No way holy moley shock

Go on, I'm with milkjug smack her one.

You have to get tough and refuse unsupervised access until dh supports you and she gets the message You have a 'book' of violent, dangerous and undermining behaviours to cite. Facts speak, you have reached your breaking point, she has pushed you to this course of action. Stay strong and refuse to budge on this as your dh will support you when he realises you are not going to buckle.

choccychoccylover Thu 10-Oct-13 10:29:48

People like this need telling in no uncertains terms that their behaviour is totally unacceptable.No more pussyfooting round tell her straight to her face in plain English so she gets the message.

Gruntfuttock Thu 10-Oct-13 10:56:29

I agree with all those saying get a babysitter in future, but I wouldn't put it past your vile MIL to come round while you're out and try to take over from the babysitter. She sounds that much of a control freak.

Tanith Thu 10-Oct-13 11:18:42

I think it more likely that she didn't clean the bottle out properly, much less sterilised it.

A client of mine started sending her child to me after her mother did exactly the same thing and the baby ended up in hospital.

I would agree: don't bother talking or confronting or justifying. Just stop leaving your children with her and, only if she complains, tell her why you can't trust her.

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