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To want to punch my MIL in her interfering face?

(140 Posts)
crimsonwitch Thu 10-Oct-13 01:22:59

I have never quite seen eye to eye with the MIL, but tolerate her passive aggressive superiority because my DC love her and her them. My DP asked her to babysit Ds2 (5 months) for a few hours today while DD (10) and Ds1 (5) were at school, so we could go out for lunch together. It was the first time we have been out alone since he was born, and I was very grateful to MIL for agreeing to have him. Ds2 is ebf and has never had formula, so I expressed enough milk for her to feed him while we were gone. After a lovely lunch with Dp we went to MIL to pick up Ds and he was fast asleep (he should have been hungry by this point). MIL looking very pleased with herself said "The milk you brought looked funny so I threw it out, but Its ok, I brought some formula from asda the other day just incase, and look at the good its done him!" hmm MIL has been anti breastfeeding from the start always dropping totally unreasonable helpful hints on how ff would help Ds sleep better and would give me a break, ff is more socially acceptable, Dp won't bond properly, he is too big to still be breastfeeding hmm etc etc etc.... DP is very supportive of breastfeeding, but he and his whole family won't stand up to his mother no matter how wrong she is. Poor Ds has been sick a few times and is very uncomfortable now. I am in no way against ff by the way, just the way my MIL likes to control things all the fucking time with my dc. I could write a whole novel on her behaviour over the years. angry

crimsonwitch Thu 10-Oct-13 02:37:33

shelly she did that once, smacked my Ds hard across the back of his legs when he was 2. one of the few times I confronted her. Full on screaming match. She never did it again. My Dp is unreasonable to not stand up to her but no one does. She has 3 other sons and a husband and 3 daughter in-laws and 7 other grandchildren whom she controls. She is very much the head of the family. I feel I get singled out because Im the only one who doesn't conform to her ways.

Morloth Thu 10-Oct-13 02:41:48

Time to stop rolling over.

She has actually hurt your children you know. Rice in a bottle for a newborn? Formula for a fully breastfed baby? Smacking a 2 year old.

Nobody hurts my children without my having something very loud and very aggressive to say about it. Guess what?

Nobody in my family would dare even if they wanted to. So make it like that, make crossing you on the kids way more trouble than it is worth.

FatOwl Thu 10-Oct-13 02:43:27

OP I really feel for you.

My MIL is very hard to deal with- if you met her, you'd think what a lovely woman, but honestly I can barely be in the same room as her.

She puts down my dds in obvious favour of SILs DDs, still doesn't consider me family after 22 years of marriage to her ds, and will only talk to him about "family" stuff

DH was like your dh, until one day he turned a corner and saw it but he still panders to her a lot (like inviting her to come and stay for an extended time - but that's a whole other thread)

crimsonwitch Thu 10-Oct-13 02:47:40

morloth your absolutely right. I find assertiveness difficult (confronting her in the past has caused me much anxiety) Its hard to be the only one standing alone in a family. Im going to have to grow a pair.

Morloth Thu 10-Oct-13 02:49:00

Just remember your poor baby being sick and that she did that on purpose to get at you.

If you can't be strong for yourself, then at least be strong for them.

crimsonwitch Thu 10-Oct-13 02:52:27

FatOwl She sounds like her. She Favours my SIL and their children. Wont involve me in family issues, acts positively jealous should dp prefer my company to hers. She also makes a big deal about any tiny little thing she may do for us telling anyone who will listen how great she is for doing it.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 10-Oct-13 02:59:11

I'm so mad on your behalf! What a nasty trick to pull.
She's playing a game with you and using your DCs as the bait- take yourself out if that game- disengaged however you can.
longterm your DP needs to see her for what she is I would point out everytime she does something unacceptable and ask him whether he wants to challenge her behaviour or say you will do it if he won't.

crimsonwitch Thu 10-Oct-13 03:01:42

Thanks for the input everyone I think I need to go to bed, as sitting up seething about this is probably not very healthy. Will reflect on this tomorrow and hopefully find a way to disengage from toxic MIL (would help if she didn't live 2 streets away) sad
goodnight all.

unfortunatedischarge Thu 10-Oct-13 03:02:29

If you aren't great at confrontation send a email or text.

You are no longer allowed around children unsupervised due to inability to accept our rules. Nastiness or rrudeness in the future will result in no contact

ICameOnTheJitney Thu 10-Oct-13 03:10:12

From your post about her bathing them and washing their clothes I think it's more like she wants to parent them herself. My MIL had a bit of this when mine were small...I found it repugnant frankly and you should too....well you do don't you....it's a weird and disturbing way for a grandparent to behave.

aurynne Spain Thu 10-Oct-13 04:19:02

Perhaps if she is one of the "I am always right" old-school brigade you could use some good old evidence-based research to let her know that she has fed your son something that increases his risks of asthma, allergies, respiratory and cardiovascular disease, ear infections, cancer and diabetes, apart from making him more likely to be overweight in the future. Oh, and she has changed his gut's pH and increased his chances of acquiring harmful gut bacteria, of which breastmilk is protective. It will take your DS 2-3 weeks to restore his healthy gut pH and flora thanks to you MIL.

Click here in case you need some references to back it all up.

redcaryellowcar Thu 10-Oct-13 04:46:20

this sort of thing is why my pil and sil will never be allowed to look after my children. great to hear your dds are seeing through things, I would be livid if I were you.

SlangKing Thu 10-Oct-13 04:50:21

OP - A few messages back you acknowledged that you'd got used to being "undermined and criticised" etc.,, and you've let stuff go that you (prolly) shouldnt've. Reason I focus on that is cuz if you've found it difficult to confront the dragon it's going to be harder for your DH cuz he's been subjected to her conditioning for his entire life. The good news seems to be that while his attitude frustrates you, you've not otherwise complained that doesn't support you or always sides with MIL. Assuming I've read the situation correctly I suggest the following. I think having a "talk" with DH about him standing up to her generally/on all occasions would be too much for him and isn't immediately necessary. Instead, tell him you need to talk to him about childcare arrangements because you're no longer prepared to let her have unsupervised access to them. If you don't back down he'll NO DOUBT be pressured by MIL (when you're out of earshot) to undermine you. Since you won't back down he'll have to stand up to her on this one issue. It'll be good practise for him. Of course, he might crack and come down harder on you but at least you're affording him the opportunity to 'man up'. So, in your relationship with DH, the implicit demand that he backs you on the one issue is totally reasonable as is - after two instances of physical abuse and her belittling you to the older DCs - your decision to deny her access. You have the moral high ground here so don't back down. Anyone failing to support you isn't someone you need in your life. For sure making that decision will provoke a reaction. If DH can remain strong her next tactic will likely be to have you physically/emotionally ostracised by all those in-laws but that'd be a blessing, wouldn't it?

KirjavaTheCorpse Thu 10-Oct-13 04:56:43

I would be incensed. How dare she?!

No contact would be the least of her issues if it were me.

birdmomma Thu 10-Oct-13 05:36:07

I think it is best to be assertive and honest in situations like this. Gather your courage, and face to face say that you need to have a chat with her about something you are unhappy about. Say something along the lines of "I felt very undermined when you fed DS formula yesterday. Breastfeeding is very important to me and I think you know that. I feel like I can't trust you to look after my children in the way that I need them to be cared for. For this reason, they will only be having supervised contact with you from now on, until I feel that I can trust you again"

Good luck.

Jinty64 Thu 10-Oct-13 06:21:31

Why do you need her for childcare? Do you work? I would look at other arrangements if at all possible. Could you use paid childcare, we do. It means going without other things but to be able to choose who will be looking after them and what they will (not) be doing is really important to me.

I agree with Slangking that getting dp to support you in this one thing would be a good start..

YANBU I would be furious.

Milkjug Thu 10-Oct-13 07:09:41

Crimsonwitch, I do not condone violence. However, in this case, I will personally come and hold your coat.

KillerKoalaFace Thu 10-Oct-13 07:23:10

Oh OP I feel for you.

I think it's time for you to demand some respect. From your DH and your MIL.

I'd also make whatever tightening of budget is necessary to have paid childcare so your DC are no longer under her control. If you keep on leaving them with her she will carry on like this. Why wouldn't she? There's no consequences to her doing whatever the hell she likes.

ArtexMonkey Thu 10-Oct-13 07:27:07

She sounds dreadful and you would be right to cut her out, i would have done so after the smacking incident tbh.

However whoever was on about how she has increased your ds's risk of cancer, diabetes, obesity etc sounds hysterical and needs to take a chill pill. It wasn't that long since the majority of babies would be on solids at 5 mo, yes i know that is not the advice now, but i think op has enough on her plate without worrying about all that unnecessarily, and imo if she starts going on about that to the mil she'll make herself sound like the controlling neurotic unreasonable one.

Hissy Brazil Thu 10-Oct-13 07:34:40

I agree, what she's done is unforgivable.

She knew full well what she was doing, and has made your baby sick.

I personally would tell DP to look after the kids and i'd go round there myself, on my own, and suggest that seeing as slapping the legs of people that are deemed as a 'fucking little bully' is the punishment SHE decided to exact on your DC that she needs to choose which legs YOU are going to slap first.

I'd also tell her in low, menacing terms that she will never, ever be allowed access to your DC, and that DP WILL toe the line on this one if he know what's good for him.

Tell her that YOU rule your roost, and YOU will defend and protect your DC from dangerous and evil people.

You do need to go nuclear on this.

fairy1303 Thu 10-Oct-13 07:39:13

I am speaking from experience. OP, this has to stop. You need to phone her. Tell her: MIL, your actions were unacceptable. They are my children, not yours and whilst we appreciate your babysitting, your actions today undermined me, and YOU have made DS ill. Unfortunately as I cannot be sure that you will follow my wishes in future, you will not be able to care for the baby from now on.

You have to stand up for yourself OP, honestly these women only get away with this shit because we are nice people, don't let her.

TheCrumpetQueen Thu 10-Oct-13 07:41:08

This is exactly why I never let my mil babysit my ds. She was always against me breastfeeding hmm and was forever asking ds when he was going to drink aptimil confused.
I knew if I left him with her, she would have done the same as your mil.

PoppyWearer Thu 10-Oct-13 07:49:11

How is your baby this morning, OP?

FWIW I'd be mad too. It's the kind of thing my MIL might have done, had I given her opportunity to look after the DCs as babies (I didn't, because I was bf'ing and she was anti-bf), but she has done other things with them when older (screwed up our potty training of DC1 by having a hissy fit about an accident, for example) that have made my blood boil.

You have my sympathy!

BlingLoving Thu 10-Oct-13 07:49:46

I don't think MIL is consciously tryig to undermine you. You need to take this less personally. She is a crazy control freak who thinks she knows best, and that is totally unacceptable. But try to see it as her issue and not about you.

She thinks ff is better so will do whatever it takes to make that happen. It wouldn't matter who you are, she would behave this way.

And you should take the same approach - the fact that she is mil is irrelevant. A person with whom you entrusted your baby did not follow your instructions or wishes and as a result your baby is sick. A) she should be told b) she cannot be trusted to look after ds again and needs to understand why (even if she cannot accept or agree) and c) dh needs to take this more seriously.

thebody Thu 10-Oct-13 07:53:29

what a stupid woman she sounds and can totally understand your rage.

posters have been very helpful in telling you to confront/ reason with her that she was out if order and made your baby sick/ undermined you etc.

also to get your dh to man up to her.

none if this will work as she's too obviously head of the family and your dh won't be able to do it.

the only sure fire way of stopping her is to immediately stop all unsupervised access.

just visit her as 'granny' with you and the kids together.

no childminding and no babysitting.

far far more effective and annoying for her as of you confront her she will be the 'martyr'

get a childminder/ babysitter you can trust and move on.

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