To be pissed off at BIL's and SIL's money issues?

(211 Posts)
DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:12:49

Lets's begin this with the story - this is about DP's Brother and his wife.

DP and I are both low earners (both <£20k, myself considerably under!). We both work long hours, and have 1 DS and one on the way. We rent, are saving furiously to get a deposit for a home but feel a million miles away... we haven't been on holiday in 4 years (other than one big family holiday that was paid for by PIL). We own one car, for which we pay monthly on HP.

BIL is an a very elite profession. It has taken him 8 years to get to his level, but it is one of the very highest earning jobs. It will take another year or two to get to that level of earning, but it is coming. And for now, he earns about £50k. SIL does not work. 2 children, one at school, one at nursery. Own 2 homes - one they live in, one they let out. They have 2 cars.

AIBU to be sick and tired of listening to them constantly moan about money? To hear them tell us how hard things are and how they are struggling, and so awful that they can't afford a holiday, can't afford clothes.. when we went round for dinner they asked us to provide the wine as they were so broke.

I am not suggesting that they don't have money issues - even the richest people can have money issues - but it's a bit of a case of 'know your audience..'

MaidOfStars Wed 09-Oct-13 15:19:09

YANBU. I agree that you can never know the details of how people are struggling, even if they appear outwardly wealthy. But it seems highly improbably that they aren't aware of your financial circumstances, so moaning about their own is lacking a huge amount of tact.

(I don't really like people moaning about money anyway, simply because you can never "know your audience", no matter how hard you predict).

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:21:11

Oh, yes you are entirely right - they are more than aware of our circumstances.

MaidOfStars Wed 09-Oct-13 15:23:08

Well then, it's a cat's bum face from me then. Not good form, on their part.

nilbyname Wed 09-Oct-13 15:24:18

Sorry, but 50k while is a great salary is not one of the highest paid jobs, needs another 0 on there!

Perhaps instead of feeling like it's about you, which their money problems are not, try and sympathise a bit....like you say it's all relative and with 2 mortgages to manage, cars, kids etc, I can see that 50k might not quite stretch. If you think, well sil could go out ans work, but perhaps after Childcare costs and not being able to qualify for any tax benefits, the. It would not be financially any better?

Sorry you are having a hard time, money troubles are the worst!

Ragwort Wed 09-Oct-13 15:25:05

I have relatives like this, it really annoys me but I just have to bite my lip and keep quiet. I know they earn much more than DH and I because they were saying how hard it is now that they are no longer receiving CB. But at the same time as moaning about how hard up they are they are constantly upgrading their mobile phones/wardrobe/cars etc etc etc.

I have learned to say nothing, there will always be people better and worse off than you - just tell yourself you are the nicer person smile.

BeCool Wed 09-Oct-13 15:25:37

their situation re income/expenses isn't that much different from yours though is it? But they are paying a mortgage and you are paying rent?

It's never nice to hear people moan about money, but you seem to be saying that they ABU because you consider them to be so much better off than you are?? And I don't see that they are. Income is a little higher but they have one more child. They run 2 cars - so double the cost of running one. Presumably they no longer get CB but you do. Yes they have a 2nd house but it is possible that doesn't generate an income but covers its own costs.

I thought it was perfectly normal to take wine if you were invited somewhere to dinner?

I don't perceive your BIL/SIL as rich.

kinkyfuckery Wed 09-Oct-13 15:26:32

I cant imagine 50k stretches far when you have two cars and 2 properties to pay for.

sweetheart Wed 09-Oct-13 15:27:36

I think you might be being a bit unreasonable. £50k income for a household isn't that much more than your joint income, he will be in a higher tax bracket so his take home pay may not be that much more. You never know what is going on in someone else's life, does he have debts from studying or is he now having to pay to gain qualifications for his job. Having a 2nd home to let doesn't automatically equal loads of money - buy to let mortgages are worked out on the income from the property NOT your individual wealth.

Weeantwee Wed 09-Oct-13 15:27:38

I've found that family who have a bit more money to spare tend to moan the most. My grandparents did it to my parents (you'll never guess how much that cruise cost?!) and my in laws do it to me and DH. Just shut your ears. Yanbu but there's not a lot you can do to stop them.

Mollydoggerson Wed 09-Oct-13 15:28:36

SIL needs to get a job or stop moaning smile! (said in gest before I am flamed to death).

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:29:21

He earns £50k at the moment, they're looking at another maybe 18-24 months of that max, before he is looking at earnings closer to £900k.

I made that pretty clear in the OP, didn't I?

They OWN one house (which they rent out) and pay a mortgage on another. And the rent from the rented one more than covers their mortgage payments, they tell us that.

We rent a tiny 2 bedroom flat, and pay over £800 a month for the privilege.

Mollydoggerson Wed 09-Oct-13 15:30:34

I'm sure their mortgage is high for the privilege of their house also.

WipsGlitter Wed 09-Oct-13 15:33:05

Hmmmm, my sister's SIL moans about money all the time, but she severely over-streteched herself on a second property that's now in negative equity, her DH had to pay into a partnership in what he does thing tens and tens and tens of thousands, she's trying to retain a career so they have to pay childcare for two again think £1300 per month!! Letting out a house is maybe only covering a mortgage (I let out the house I bought before I met DP and the rent doesn't even cover the mortgage!!)

My sister is also always going on about economy drives etc and her husband must be on £100k plus. But they just fritter it away willy nilly!!

So, it's really hard to tell from looking at 'thing's people have how much spare cash they actually have.

Depending on where you are £50k is not a lot - I know, I know lots manage on far less.

shewhowines Wed 09-Oct-13 15:33:40

It's the same when people go on about how fat they are and how they need to lose weight, when the person they are talking to is double their size.

Just not appropriate. YANBU

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:34:39

I'm confused at the people who are saying they don't earn much more than us - we earn £26k and they earn £50k! It's almost double hmm

Trying not to drip feed so will include more that I didn't realise was important:

They own one home outright. It was not a buy to let mortgage - they bought it, lived in it for 10 years, paid it off in full and now rent it out.

They have a mortgage on their current property

They do still get CB (why would they not?)

They also get tax credits - more than we do actually, which I find odd

He has no debt from studying as PIL funded it entirely (as they did with DP)

It is normal to take wine - we had already bought a bottle and some flowers. Then they called and asked us to provide the alcohol for the evening, for everyone. So we went and bought 2 more bottles, and some beers.

SodsLawRules Wed 09-Oct-13 15:35:34

But op are you not doing the same thing? There maybe a family with two adults both earning under 10k each, have never had a holiday and have nothing left over to save towards their own house. They are probably reading your op thinking how unfair it is that your moaning when they are far more worse off than yourselves and your bil and sil.
Moral- eerybody deserves to moan.
There are children starving all over the world. However If you go for a meal in a resturant and your chicken wasn't cooked properly, would you not say anything because of it?smile

TheFabulousIdiot Wed 09-Oct-13 15:36:04

why are you letting it worry you so much though?
Perhaps you just need to do a bit of one-up-manship about how you are considerably poorer than they are.

WipsGlitter Wed 09-Oct-13 15:36:37

What job goes from £50k to £900k in two years!! I want it!!

SodsLawRules Wed 09-Oct-13 15:36:47

But op are you not doing the same thing? There maybe a family with two adults both earning under 10k each, have never had a holiday and have nothing left over to save towards their own house. They are probably reading your op thinking how unfair it is that your moaning when they are far more worse off than yourselves and your bil and sil.
Moral- eerybody deserves to moan.
There are children starving all over the world. However If you go for a meal in a resturant and your chicken wasn't cooked properly, would you not say anything because of it?smile

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:37:21

Also, I think my issue is more that they know they will, in a couple of years, be really well off. And we have nothing like that to look forward to.

So they can be struggling now, as are we, but there is an end in sight for them. We don't have that, and currently we earn half what they do. Our incomes are unlikely to progress at anything other than a regular rate, if we are lucky.

Yabu. Jealousy is not nice. Their moaning about their problems has nothing to do with your problems. If your friends with them as well as relatives then they probably aren't treading on egg shells to be more formal and feel they can act naturally around you. It's not like they are asking you for loans is it?

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:39:05

Wips ugh, I know! I can't say because there is a LOT of detail here, and the job is really specialist and I know SIL is on MN so I can't risk it.. sorry!

sods No. I am not complaining about our financial situation. We are considerably poorer than most of our friends, but thats life! We don't complain. But it pisses me off that they do.

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 15:39:53

I am not jealous hmm

bigkidsdidit Wed 09-Oct-13 15:41:03

OP your post to be implied you had 35-40 coming in, plus child benefit, which is quite similar to 50 with no cb. You didn't say it was 26k total, that's why people are sayig what they are.

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