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To feel like the worst mother in the world

(25 Posts)
Rosduk Mon 07-Oct-13 11:10:03

DD is 2.5 and I'm 8 weeks pregnant and a SAHM. I'm normally so good at keeping her busy, taking her out regularly getting exercise, doing activities and eating well. This is my third pregnancy but we lost DS as a newborn last nov.

I just do not remember being this exhausted last time even though DD was younger- although I do suspect the emotional issues around being pregnant are not helping (I had an emcs at 27 weeks for reduced movement with DS he died 2 hours later)

I have now felt sick continuously for 3 weeks and vomiting occasionally but everything, I mean everything, that I smell including washing powder is making me wretch. I have headaches from the pressure of being sick and can't even muster up the energy or cope with the smell of opening the fridge. I was sick with my last 2 pregnancies but not this bad.

Poor DD, I'm trying to get her out of the house each day but it's not for long and I keep plonking her in front of the tv while I'm trying not to be sick or while I'm being sick. I reckon on and off she watches 2 hours a day at the moment. I sometimes can see she's bored and i try and do an activity with her. I can't cook every day, it makes me sick so she is often having sandwiches/soup for one meal and an Annabel karmel ready meal for tea.

My family live 2 hours away and are helping one day and she's at nursery 2 mornings a week but I feel so sorry for DD the rest of the time as she is not getting the attention, the home cooked healthy meals or the daily routine she deserves.

AIBU to my daughter. This has been going on for 3 weeks, I'm praying it's not too much longer. If you flame me fair enough, but any suggestions welcome!

Rosduk Mon 07-Oct-13 11:11:31

Sorry I should add DH works away but is helpful when he's here

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Mon 07-Oct-13 11:13:32

Goodness, you are not a bad mother. My dd watched tv from 8am -6pm with only a break to nap when my morning sickness was at its worst. Do what you have to to get through it, and get help in if you can. But don't feel guilty, it's not for long.

Mumsyblouse Mon 07-Oct-13 11:13:37

Rusduk sometimes we can be the perfect parents, sometimes we have to go into survival mode. That's just how it is and all that time at home will be beneficial for your dd even if you are not entertaining her constantly, sometimes a reassuring presence is what children need, not a performance. Food fine- she's getting her calories.

I think the harder thing is your emotional wellbeing, I hope you have someone to talk with, it's bound to be all brought back again.

WillYouDoTheMonsterMash Mon 07-Oct-13 11:17:34

You are doing what you need to do to get through morning sickness. I only have one DS and spent every moment I wasn't at work lying in bed groaning, I cannot imagine looking after a 2.5 year old too.

There's nothing wrong with a few ready meals and a few weeks of tv won't do her any harm at all. Once morning sickness has passed you can get things back to how you like them, but for now be kind to yourself. You're not a bad mum, you're a fantastic mum or you wouldn't care so much.

I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy thanks

Famzilla Mon 07-Oct-13 11:19:04

You're obviously not BU, your daughter is absolutely fine. She isn't going to notice the brief lack of home cooked meals, and 2 hours of TV is nothing! Honestly, you have nothing to feel bad about.

I'm so sorry about your son flowers

InsertBoringName Mon 07-Oct-13 11:21:53

You are not a bad mother! You are pregnant, unwell with it, no doubt anxious (I'm sorry for the loss of your son) and tired! You clearly care about your DD and are trying your best under the circumstances.

What's wrong with having a cuddle on the setee with your DD while she watches TV? You can still interact with her, chat about what Mickey mouse is doing etc. It's OK to have quick meals, it's not forever and you can make it fun for her. My DD loves spreading a blanket on the living room floor and having a 'picnic', you could set all the teddies up to join in. Or make a den under the table by draping some blankets over? Minimal effort for you but good fun for her.

Above all be kind to yourself. I have chronic back pain, had a bad episode when DD1 was about 18 months, I felt so guilty about the lack of attention she got because I couldn't do much. I cried to my own mum about it, who pointed out that she'd had exactly the same back injury when I was 18 months. I watched TV, ate whatever came out the cupboard first, and didn't get to go to toddlers for a good couple of months. Did I remember it? No! Was I affected by it in any way? Absolutely not!

flowers to you.

CeliaFate Mon 07-Oct-13 11:22:10

Yanbu. I suffered awfully from morning sickness and I did the same thing.
Is your dh around? Can he cook up some veg and plate it up so you can just microwave it?
Fresh pasta is quick and easy too if you can stomach cooking it.
Get tubs and ask dh to put portions of healthy snacks in so you just have to open them for her.

TEErickOrTEEreat Mon 07-Oct-13 11:22:28

Sorry to hear about your son.

You're not a bad mother. Keep doing what you're doing, it isn't forever.

FairyJen Mon 07-Oct-13 11:23:18

If it makes you feel better, you may feel like the worlds worst mother but your not. I am. Dd told me this morning! grin

Fakebook Mon 07-Oct-13 11:25:47

I'm sorry for Your loss sad. You're not a bad mother though.I was bed ridden with morning sickness and various infections at the start of this pregnancy (my third too). I spent the whole of Easter holidays inside and didn't do anything with the children. It's a horrible time, so just take care of yourself and soon (hopefully) it will all die away and the second trimester will be much better. I'm sure your dd doesn't mind watching dvd's or doing less strenuous activities like colouring or playing with play dough whilst you can rest and join in.

NotYoMomma Mon 07-Oct-13 11:30:08

im due next month with dd1 and am utterly utterly wiped out this time! ive not had this before.

right now I should be chopping onions and putting tea in the slow cooker but I just cant be bothered!

dd1 has just discovered paper and crayons thank God!

just remember 'this too shall pass' be it after 1st trimester or after 9 months its not forever xxx

NotYoMomma Mon 07-Oct-13 11:30:39

with dd2* That should say lol

I was laid up on crutches for much of dd2's pregnancy. Dd1 did end up watching lots of tv/dvds but you're only pregnant for a finite time, try not to worry about it. Dd1 is now nearly 9, bright, articulate and though she is beginning to get some preteen attitude she hasn't yet blamed me for a few months of dvds when she was tiny. Hope your pg goes well.

quoteunquote Mon 07-Oct-13 11:43:27

Could you get a few more morning at nursery just for the time being?

Sunnysummer Mon 07-Oct-13 11:50:38

Sounds like you're being an excellent mother, despite really tricky circumstances. Agree with pps about going into survival mode - morning sickness will not last forever and a few weeks (or even a few months) of less healthy meals and fewer outings will not cause your DD any lasting harm.

Do you have friends who can come over and help entertain her for a bit, or a playgroup where she can run around while you slump in the corner and sip ginger ale? How about your partner - is he able to take some days off for outings and support in these early weeks?

thanks to get you through this early bit.

jellyandcake Mon 07-Oct-13 12:00:24

I am in a similar situation with nausea and extreme fatigue though starting to improve at nearly 11 weeks, thank goodness. On my two days looking after DS alone a week he has been living off toast and watching TV literally all day. I've barely been able to leave the house. I also don't remember being this tired last time around but it won't last forever and it won't do any harm. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy flowers

ukatlast Mon 07-Oct-13 12:08:23

I was in a similar situation: 2 year old playing around me while I lolled on the sofa with morning sickness. It will probably go away when it has run its course - mine disappeared at 4 months on the dot.
Just have lots of toys out, stick CBeebies on and do your best...you are not a bad mother of course you aren't. Toddle along to the odd group if you feel up to it.

hamncheese Mon 07-Oct-13 12:20:15

Much sympathy. Same situation here and just coming out the other end of five weeks pretty much in bed due to morning sickness, exhaustion and viruses. DS was pretty much with my mil or dad every day. I barely saw him and it has been heartbreaking. I'm fairly sure if I hadn't gotten better in the last few days I was headed down the antenatal depression route.

I started feeling better now I've been prescribed prochlorperazine anti sickness tablets. I still feel nausea but not to the extent that I can't get out of bed. Even just cleaned the house.

If your sickness is becoming too hard to cope with see your gp about it if you are comfortable.

Wallison Mon 07-Oct-13 12:28:09

Rosduk, you are really really not a bad mother and from what you've said, your daughter is fine. Would it maybe help to remind yourself that although she is a child, she is also a member of your family and as such anything that has an impact on someone in the family (ie your unrelenting sickness, which sounds absolutely debilitating) will also have an impact on her, but that is just what being in a family is about. She is also getting all the benefits of being in a family as well - that she is loved and cared for by her parents, which is a massive deal and part of the whole package. But real life and families working and pulling together and getting on with stuff isn't ever going to be a string of endless perfect days one after the other, and that's ok, and it's fine. It really is.

I hope you feel much better very soon. Please don't give yourself a hard time on top of what are very difficult circumstances. thanks

Rosduk Mon 07-Oct-13 12:33:00

Thanks everyone it's a relief that I'm not the only one that is struggling or has struggled. Everyone I know that has been pregnant or is pregnant have had no sickness just tiredness.

I hadn't thought about going to the gp for anti nausea tablets, if it continues I definitely will see what they can do. We can't afford any more nursery hours but I have a few friends that might be able to help out over the next few weeks!

everlong Mon 07-Oct-13 12:42:49

You poor thing. No wonder you are exhausted. Grief can make you feel dreadful.

Please try not to worry about DD., She will be fine I promise.

Are there any mum friends could have her for an hour or so?

RinseAndRepeat Mon 07-Oct-13 12:47:20

You are categorically not a bad mother. Nor are you BU.

Fingers crossed your symptoms will pass by the 12-16 week mark. DD will be absolutely fine between now and then on a diet of DVDs and vegging out!

Make sure you look after yourself and don't beat yourself up for not being superhuman. Being pregnant is tough, especially the early part.

ButteryJam Mon 07-Oct-13 13:12:02

You are honestly doing so so well! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If it was me, I honestly don't know how I would cope!

mandi73 Mon 07-Oct-13 13:32:09

On my last pregnancy I gave my 14yr old instructs on how to cook the dinner from the toilet, she cooked I puked but we all survived smile
Do what you need to do till it eases/passes and hopefully you'll feel better soon.
But being plonked in front on the tv short term or even till babs arrives won't harm her, sit on the sofa and give her lots of cuddles smile

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