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to tell my ttc friend that i am pregnant?

(30 Posts)
ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 09:48:17

My friend has a dd aged 2 and just started to TTC next DC. I have a ds aged 2.5. This is her second month TTC and on Friday she told me she wasn't pregnant this month. I noticed my breasts felt sore on Friday , did a test and am pregnant. I would say around 6 weeks ( long irregular cycle). She asked me previously if I was going to try for another DC soon and I said I wasnt ready yet. Its not a bad time though and we weren't too careful because we wouldn't mind.

She would have told me as soon as she fell pregnant I am sure. We are pretty close and I value her so much. I am excited and would love to share the news but I don't want to be an insensitive twat given the circumstances.

We go to the pub around once a month with another friend to natter and get drunk and have a good catch up. Other than this friend we have no other friends in common. We are due to go this week due to me cancelling our last meet up due to being unwell.

We meet up a few times a week with our kids at present - I am very nauseous and it might start to become obvious.

Should I tell her now? Or wait til 12 weeks? Or wait and hope she falls pregnant this month then tell her? I don't want to be insensitive but I know that its going to be hard to hide soon..

Smartiepants79 England Mon 07-Oct-13 09:51:40

Well personally I would just tell her. Two months is not a very long time TTC. Is there a particular reason you think she might take it badly? Is there a history of fertility problems? If not then I can't really see why she would be anything but delighted for you. She has only been trying a couple of months.

sparechange Mon 07-Oct-13 09:51:41

What is your concern? That it will be insensitive to her because you are pregnant, and she isn't?
Or that you don't want her to know about your pregnancy so soon into it?
Is she wasn't TTC, would you tell her?

It is only month 2 for her.

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 09:54:41

She isn't that sensitive generally and has mused a bit about secondary infertility but in truth I don't think she is actually worried about it. I guess I don't want to feel that I might be insensitive to a good friend just for the sake of sharing my own excitement. I am about to burst with joy! Thanks for you responses you have reassured me a lot.

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 09:56:03

My concern was more the whole I don't want to be like I fell pregnant more accidentally when she is trying and didn't. I'm being silly and over thinking this all aren't I?!

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 09:56:58

She was disappointed this month but not concerned iyswim.

StitchingMoss Mon 07-Oct-13 09:57:41

Congrats on your pg smile.

If your friend had been ttc for years then I would have said be very careful how you break the news but 2 months is nothing!

LilRedWG Mon 07-Oct-13 09:58:55

Congratulations! She's only been trying for two months, not two years, ago she'll be fine. You are a lovely friend for caring.

SaucyJack Mon 07-Oct-13 09:59:26

I think you're overthinking it.

If she'd recently suffered a stillbirth or was on her sixth cycle of IVF or whathaveyou then it'd be different.

treaclesoda Mon 07-Oct-13 10:04:15

If its the unplanned aspect, then I just wouldn't mention that it was unplanned. If she says 'but you said you weren't trying yet' its perfectly reasonable to say something like 'we didn't want to say anything as it felt like too much pressure'. I had no idea when any of my friends or family were ttc, and we didn't tell anyone when we were, so its not unusual.

Congratulations, and I hope your friend gets her positive result next month.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 07-Oct-13 10:06:53

She's only been trying 2 months and she already has a young DC so chances are she will not have any problems getting pregnant in the next few months. It's fine to tell her if you want to. On the other hand waiting until 12 weeks is also fine if you want to. There's no particular right and wrong here.

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:07:40

Thanks ladies. Appreciate you taking time to respond. And thanks for the congratulations - I'm really happy!

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:08:38

Treaclesoda I think I will say that.

Sallyingforth Mon 07-Oct-13 10:10:24

Congratulation! But should either of you be getting drunk each month if you are TTC?

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:16:26

Well I wasn't - we had a careless day 3 weeks ago and didnt drink since then. My friend has, for the last two months stopped at a few glasses when she has juat had her period so knows she isnt pregnant. I was just trying to give a little nd to our friendship group size and dynamic to show how my actions would change and be noticeable and to show that there are few mutual friends.

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:17:30

Should read background/context instead of nd.

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:21:14

But yes I definitely won't be on the sloe gin this Christmas now. Oh well - it should be very well brewed by next Christmas or the one Afterwards! grin

Tiredemma Mon 07-Oct-13 10:25:45

If she is a 'real' friend then she will be delighted for you.

My very best friend has recently had her 7th attempt at IVF (trying for years)- this failed. I found out that I was PG at 24 weeks in May this year - completely unplanned - my eldest children are 10 and 13 - it was a massive shock. I totally agonised over telling my BF. When I told her I was sobbing.

She was delighted for me. I told her I thought she would be upset- and she asked how could she be upset about such a happy thing.

She is a real friend- your friend will be the same. Im sure

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:33:43

That must have been so hard tiredemma. Like you say it would have been understandable had she been upset given the circumstances but to react in that way brings a tear to my eye ( I blame the hormones)

ch1a Mon 07-Oct-13 10:34:36

A happy tear I should clarify!

fluffyraggies England Mon 07-Oct-13 10:35:27

emma i hesitate to say this, because i know your post was well meant, but i have to take issue with the thought that a woman who struggles to handle another woman's pregnancy is not a 'real' friend.

I'm very glad that your struggling ttc friend was able to be delighted for you - but please don't be unpleasant about those who can't be so generous in the face of potentially hurtful news. Raw feelings (such as those surrounding ttc) are not always rational things, and are not always an indicator of how good we are as people or friends.

fluffyraggies England Mon 07-Oct-13 10:36:43

Oh and OP well done to be thinking about your friend's feelings like this. flowers and massive congrats smile

Tiredemma Mon 07-Oct-13 10:39:46

I know- honestly I agonised over telling her and she was just lovely. She had been my birth partner for DS2 (10 years ago) which was before she found out she had trouble conceiving herself. This time I asked her again if she wanted to be my birth partner again- she initially agreed but then asked if she could decline, as she felt it would be just too much for her.

The night I went into labour my BF stayed up until I called her with news that DD had arrived and was so excited. She is an amazing friend- im Desperately sad that she is struggling to conceive naturally as she would be an amazing mum.

Its still early days for your friend yet- but as said earlier, im sure she will be happy for you

Tiredemma Mon 07-Oct-13 10:41:12

fluffy I wholeheartedly apologise- I dont think I had intended for it to come across like that.

I totally understand the content of your post and apologise. you are right- I shouldnt 'assume' that people are 'just able' to cope with this.

sorry.

specialsubject Mon 07-Oct-13 10:41:41

tell her. And congratulations.

it is human nature to feel upset when someone else gets something we really want and don't have. But part of being mature and a good person is to rise above it and be happy that some else is happy.

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