to ask sahms

(159 Posts)
rosieposey78 Fri 04-Oct-13 19:49:07

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

rosieposey78 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:54:59

Would probably moan.

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 15:38:29

Ah rosie, that IS shit.
DH has tried this with the News. I tell him straight that the News is not more important than his sons, especially as chances are he's already listened to it in the car anyway - he just has a "thing" about watching the 6pm News, as did his Dad. I just turn it off/down and get him to listen to DS1/look at DS2 as appropriate.

What would happen if you did that?

rosieposey78 Sun 06-Oct-13 15:09:03

Sorry he can't hear.

rosieposey78 Sun 06-Oct-13 15:08:26

I do think it is the child interaction bit that upsets me most. Today me and the dc were laughing and joking about something or other. Dh comes in the room puts tv on and moans that we can't hear the grand prix. No interest in what was funny. Also ds came home with some fantastic test results the other day. I was so impressed i wanted to show dh. But again watching something on tv took priority.

BooCanary Sun 06-Oct-13 12:40:56

What would they be like if they lived on their own. Who would do the cooking, washing, cleaning, childcare? Of course they can do it. They just don't want to

I know exactly what my DH would be like if he lived on his own. I know this because there are bits of the house that I have washed my hands of (namely the loft and garage) and they are a frigging mess. Like obsessive compulsive hoarder type messy! Also I go away for the weekend a few times a year, and DH eats crap whilst I'm away. If he lived on his own, it would be oven chips and sausages every night probably! He would clean the house eventually and would wash clothes when everything had been worn, and probably then leave the washing in the machine or on the line for 3 days before putting away.

He tries hard to be less messy because he knows how much I hate it, and our house is fairly tidy as a result. However, I'm under no illusions that this would not be the case if DH lived alone.

Everyone has different standards.....

My dh is a shift worker too. When he is home he helps out with bed and baths and cleaning up after tea. But if I want something specific done like hoovering I would have to ask him.
I do all the laundry and cleaning unless we have visitors coming and I might ask him to go and clean the bathrooms or Hoover upstairs etc.
He works long hours and so do I. He also helps out with night wakings when he is at home and night time.
He does the nursery run and shopping as often as I do and maintains and cleans the cars every week.
I often think he doesn't do very much but looking at this I realise that is unreasonable! grin

SpiritOfTheBuskersCat Sun 06-Oct-13 11:57:00

dp comes home from work, cooks tea and entertains dd while I put my feet up. He gets up with her everyday at 7 gives her breakfast while I sleep till 8 when he goes to work. If I get up with dd and him he makes my breakfast and tea too. Weekends he washes up and Hoovers

rosieposey78 Sun 06-Oct-13 11:54:05

Although garden and diy are not every day or even every week tasks. Hence why he does them.

rosieposey78 Sun 06-Oct-13 11:52:53

Sorry not had time to check back. Been a busy weekend. Dh was out most of the day doing his hobby and ferrying dc to activities. I was home looking after baby and tackling the house as I had visitors last night.
That is not typical. Most weekends he does diy. Finance bits and cooks one of the evening meals. I am still always the one getting baby dressed and making breakfast fo dc whilst he dozes or plays on tablet. He does get up really early during the week so he does normally get one lie in. I used to get the other but i now have a commitment which means it doesn't often happen.
I guess i would feel less fed up if what i do was appreciated. He never comments how nice house looks but does complain if its untidy.
What am i looking for. I guess i am looking for confirmation that he is unreasonable so i can challenge him again. Last time i probably wasn't specific enough and it just ended in a row.
Thank you for your responses.

Fairenuff Sun 06-Oct-13 11:39:18

smile

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 11:35:03

Ah you didn't upset me, Fairenuff. Don't worry smile

Fairenuff Sun 06-Oct-13 11:28:29

Sorry Thumbwitch, didn't mean to upset you. Also, this is not your thread and you didn't ask for my opnion. I have been too outspoken.

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 11:23:06

No, that's just a bunch of assumptions YOU made, Fairenuff. Erroneously as it happens.

Fairenuff Sun 06-Oct-13 11:01:12

Well Thumbwitch you didn't say that you weren't teaching your sons differently and they will have the added burden of copying their father which will make it harder for you.

Also, you put up with your dh's laziness because he's male. So there is nothing to suggest you would treat your sons differently. However, it now sounds as if that is what you intend to do.

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 10:51:12

Perhaps I should have qualified that as "rural backward Australian" as I'm sure it will get picked up on by the many other Aussie posters on here whose experience is nothing like mine because they mostly live in cities.

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 10:49:58

Fairenuf, at what point do you think that I am NOT teaching my sons differently? Very patronising of you. I wasn't brought up Australian.

Fairenuff Sun 06-Oct-13 10:42:33

You wouldn't believe what some of my friends accept as normal!

Just because your friend is in a worse position than you, doesn't mean you have it good. There is always someone worse off.

At least you can teach your sons not to be like their dad. My ds can do everything that I can do (except drive the car) and he regularly does.

He can get a weeks worth of shopping for the whole family, getting the best offers and longest 'use by' dates. He can plan the meals and know what he needs to buy. He cooks for the family. He can and does load the washing machine, hangs clothes out and sees that he needs to bring them in if it looks like rain.

He can clean, he moves furniture and remembers to wipe skirting boards, etc. He keeps on top of his homework and clears up after himself.

He is 14.

He has been slowly learning everything since he was about 2 years old. He is capable and would be able to look after himself if he had to. He still has a lot to learn about finances, etc. but he has plenty of time yet.

He would never expect a woman to do what he is quite capable of doing just because she is female. I don't think it would even cross his mind because we don't live like that in our house.

Start teaching your sons now so that, later on, some poor woman is not saddled with a person not willing to pull their weight.

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 10:29:11

No, he really doesn't and I don't not pull him up on it. But it gets very tedious going on about it day in, day out. And my comparison level has changed a lot since being out here.

I don't think he thinks I'm a mug. I would be a mug if I caved in and just did the stuff that he doesn't see - but I don't. I call him to do it himself. I would rather not have to call him, of course, but that's just not going to happen. So either I keep calling him, or I do it myself, or it rots where it sits.

You should hear the bollocks he comes out with after he's been away for a couple of days with his work - usually hobnobbing with miners etc. - how none of them have to do anything domestic blah blah. Here, it is rather 50s-ish I suppose. You wouldn't believe what some of my friends accept as normal!

Fairenuff Sun 06-Oct-13 10:28:07

Part of the problem is me though. If I don't ask, what do I expect? People are not mind readers. I need to ask more often it seems

What a load of nonsense. Along with this:

DH is also a "non-thinker" - I don't know why, it's not like I've ever given him the opportunity to switch his brain off when he finishes work! - he just doesn't see what needs to be done!

Are we talking about another human adult? One without special needs or learning difficulties? Men who can hold down a job, see what needs doing, take the initiative, think for themselves, all without being a mind-reader?

These men are playing the 'poor ickle pathetic man can't do it' card to get out of normal everyday activities. They act like children so that they are mothered.

What would they be like if they lived on their own. Who would do the cooking, washing, cleaning, childcare? Of course they can do it. They just don't want to.

jasminerose Sun 06-Oct-13 10:22:47

Thumbwitch - You shouldmt be grateful for the really crap effort hes putting in. Pull him up on it, and trust me he sees it but he just thinks your a mug.

Thumbwitch Sun 06-Oct-13 10:15:45

No I don't think he's pretty good really, but I have to stop myself catastrophising the amount of help he offers or I get too pissed off. He's not going to change, and I'm pretty much over fretting about it.

He is many times better than many of my friends' DHs and quite frankly I would rather he cooked and cleaned the kitchen half the time than do the occasional nappy. He does look after the boys to give me time off - if I need a rest, or want to go shopping by myself, or go to Sydney to see my osteopath, that kind of thing.

DH is also a "non-thinker" - I don't know why, it's not like I've ever given him the opportunity to switch his brain off when he finishes work! - he just doesn't see what needs to be done!

First time I've been accused of being a 50s throwback, that's for sure. I am soooo not like that! I suspect that I might have been being slightly more sentimental about him than normal because he's had to go to Canada for 2w with work.

jumperooo Sun 06-Oct-13 09:35:49

He is out of the house at 8.15am and works 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. We take it in turns to get up with one year old DD, give her a bottle and change her. I generally do her breakfast when he's left for work and I do the child care in the day, I also do all the cleaning, washing and the ironing. He does the internet food shopping and the vast majority of the cooking. We both do the dishwasher and vacuuming, as and when. I feed her dinner at 5pm and clear that up. He is home by 6pm, he will play games with her, we generally share the task of DD's bath time every other night and he mostly feeds her and puts her to bed at night. She doesn't wake up often in the night but if she did I would go. Weekends are 50/50. He is very hands on and would do more if asked, not that I think there is more he could do. In some ways I could say I am lucky, but frankly in our house parenting is a joint venture as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't have had a child with him if I thought he was lazy!

BooCanary Sun 06-Oct-13 09:20:59

I work p/t and I do most housework/child-related stuff. I earn more pro rata than DH but prefer p/t work as it allows me to spend more time with DCs and I am a control freak .

I measure fairness on how much free time we both have. I have about 6 hours child/work free per week ( when I'm not working and DCs are in school). I spend half of it doing big household tasks, and the other few hours doing my own thing. In turn DH has a few hours on the weekend to pursue his hobby.

We both chip in in the evenings, although DH is often doing DIY.DH takes DCs to breakfast club, picks them up from evening activities ( I clock off from childcare at 7 for my own sanity!!), does weekend homework, cooks the odd meal, does about half bed/bath routine per week, garden/day, ironing.

On the weekend he does sometimes sit on his arise more than I'd like, but then I am a stressy fidgeter in the day so am never happy unless things are 'getting done'!!

IrnBruTheNoo Sun 06-Oct-13 09:19:44

I think on my DH's part he just does not think. He doesn't consider that I may need a help with X Y or Z. If I ask him, most of the time he'll muck in. Part of the problem is me though. If I don't ask, what do I expect? People are not mind readers. I need to ask more often it seems.

DH attempted to cook one day when DS1 was small. I came back to see the kitchen like a bombsite. So from that day on, I decided I'd be as well doing it all myself because I tidy as I go and there's less work to do if I cook and clean myself (IYSWIM?). He didn't load the dishwasher properly, so I said it's fine, I'll do it all. Rod for my own back. Soooo, by my own admission, I'm partly to blame for our domestic set up because I'm so obsessive about things being done a certain way. DH has brought this up recently, that he does offer to help, but I'm set on doing things my way so he cannot chip in. I have said to even things out he needs to do more 'child related' tasks around the house like bathing, nappy changes and taking them out for a while to give me a break (ultimately that's what I'd really want to be happening without having to ask him). I don't mind the housework side of things, but to have help occasionally with child care related stuff would really take the strain off.

I must admit that 5madthings has a point. It does sound like some type of timewarp reading my post and a few others on this thread. More men need to get involved when their children are young. And set a good example.

jasminerose Sun 06-Oct-13 09:13:30

Thumbwitch shock

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