to ask sahms

(159 Posts)
rosieposey78 Fri 04-Oct-13 19:49:07

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

MollyHooper Fri 04-Oct-13 20:57:30

grin at getting up early to make him breakfast, DH would assume I had some sort of stroke if that happened.

My mum is the same though, if we are at hers when DH finishes work and he pops in she practically swaddles him.

"Awk son! You don't need to hold the baby, you must be tired. You've been at work all day!"

He has to bat her away.

5madthings Fri 04-Oct-13 21:00:51

I think dp would die of shock if I got up early to make his bfast, I am NOT a morning person, he normally brings me a cup of tea in bed! grin

My mum makes the odd comment about how I shouldn't expect dp to change nappies etc... Thankfully the youngest is now potty trained so after 14 years we are a nappy free house grin

idiuntno57 Fri 04-Oct-13 21:01:07

sometimes i feel i am doing everything. Sometimes DH is really hands on. We are both self emp but my work fluctuates a lot and my default position is childcare. With x4 primary school DC's the work is endless. I think we have learned to give and take and accept that we aren't always sharing everything equally but in the long term it all evens itself out.

fabergeegg Fri 04-Oct-13 21:05:55

My DH comes in through the door at 7pm (2 hour round trip commute) and triages the situation. Then he goes about administering food, cups of tea, baths...all of it. If there is a meal ready, he's pleased. If there isn't, he'll happily make one. He goes to the supermarket. And he co-sleeps with our two year old, rain or shine. That's largely because she will have nothing to do with me once Daddy's home.

That said, he never cleans bathrooms/kitchen/hoovers (we have a mother's help) and he rarely puts a wash on (not allowed to). And he gets quite self-pitying if he has to do any ironing.

I know he's wonderful. So does he - he quite likes walking into the house and being superman smile

everlong Fri 04-Oct-13 21:06:14

I wouldn't expect DH to come home and ' take over ' whilst I've been at home all day.

MrsOakenshield Fri 04-Oct-13 21:10:42

When I was SAHM DP did every bathtime and bedtime. Shared night wakings. Weekends we were all together. Split housework. I did all the food shopping, most of the cooking and the laundry. Cleaning he did a lot of.

Your DP sounds utterly lame - when exactly is he a parent? Does he not want to spend time with his children. But also - why do you allow this situation to continue? How long has this been going on?

You are both parents, a team. Ask him if he wants to be remembered as a pathetic excuse for a father and husband, unsupportive, unhelpful and someone his children will remember as not wanting to be with them.

Sorry, but 'men' like this infuriate me. And the women who put up with it are not far behind.

stopgap Fri 04-Oct-13 21:13:16

We pay a cleaner to come in twice a week, and I use a uni student three evenings a week for babysitting, so there's no obligation for him to do much around the house, or even rush home from work if he's extra busy. My two-year-old son sleeps like a log from 7.15 onwards, so either I use the weeknights for the gym, or sometimes meet with my husband for dinner.

Week mornings he makes our son and me breakfast, while weekends he always takes an entire morning of afternoon to take our son to the park, for lunch etc. He's a great dad and husband.

stopgap Fri 04-Oct-13 21:15:17

PS Night wakings with our son were a fifty/fifty duty at first, and then my husband did about eighty percent when I developed an autoimmune condition at seven months postpartum and could barely function. DS2 is due in January, and absolutely night wakings will be a split responsibility in our household.

Ponyo73 Fri 04-Oct-13 21:18:29

My DH works from 7.30am till 7.45pm. He has a stressful job(as many do). I am fortunate enough to not have to work(wouldn't be able to make enough to make it worthwhile, child care etc).

As a mother of two, who are in school full time, I have no excuse but to do all the chores. I have an easy life of it now but I do remember how tiring it was when they were young so YANBU. Just wait, you'll be getting the insidious question, " so, now your kids are at school, what are you going to do with your life." As if being a parent wasn't enough.

racmun Fri 04-Oct-13 21:21:23

Dh is out the house 6:50 - 8pm.

Ds is in bed at 7 so I have an hour to tidy up etc and start dinner- which I do. Seems a bit mean to just leave it and wait got dh to get back.

If he works from home he'll do bath time and bedtime and spend quality time with ds.

Weekends neither of us do much chore wise as we like to do nice things, but dh will (if told to) empty dishwasher hang washing. He does all DIY, gardening and his job is the bins- even if it is after work.

He never got up in the night though -apparently I could rest during the day if I needed to!

I have always LOVED the idea that 'work' is hard and SAH is easy. If that is the case, surely the non-SAHP could come in and do it easily. No? Is that because running a home and looking after children is not actually easy? So it needs to be shared, not one person's job 24/7.

I have worked, SAH, worked PT, worked contract. What works for DH and me is we have a similar amount of time 'off'. I count DD's nap as 'off', he counts the gym at lunch and running home as 'off'. Any time sat on your arse is 'off'.

He gets home, I cook, he washes up, I bath DD, he puts her to bed. He would feel like a twunt sitting there while I ran around and so would I. I couldn't be married to someone who could switch off and do nothing while I did everything. Whether at work or at home with DD, it's full on.

I work as does DH. I do 4 days, he does full time. When we get home we both look after the kids.

Working out of the home, mother or father, doesn't mean you don't do hands on parenting regardless of whether one of you is a SAHP.

KirjavaTheCorpse Fri 04-Oct-13 21:26:37

DP doesn't get home until after our son has been fast asleep in bed for hours. He's out of the house for 12 hours a day and just wants to sleep when he gets home. The mornings are taken up by him getting himself ready, we eat breakfast as a family and off he goes.

On days off he'll help with housework a bit but it's usually already taken care of by me, he doesn't get to spend much time with DS or me, so the usual focus is family time. Works for us.

defineme Fri 04-Oct-13 21:29:42

Firstly, if dh thought of his wage as his money as opposed to our money he'd be in serious trouble...we just had his wage coming in for several years, but it doesn't take a particularly clever person to recognize the worth of a sahp when you see the cost of nursery (not to mention cleaners and cook!).

Dh did half of whatever was happening when he was there.We had 3 under 3 at one point-what kind of twat would sit there when that bed time is going on? We both sit down at the same time..ie after all the work is done. We share lie ins (tbf now the kids are older that's not an issue) and have assigned jobs in the morning before we leave for work eg he knows the dishwasher is his and I know to feed the cats and put a wash on.

He knew I had relaxing times at home sometimes, but he has the odd pub lunch/laugh at work...which balances the 3 with chicken pox/major stress at work scenarios. tbh as he's nice and he loves me, he was pleased when we had lovely days at home!

PatioDweller Fri 04-Oct-13 21:34:22

Everlong, during school hols when I've been up since 6am with the little one and had to feed and entertain 4dcs all day, I am absolutely shattered by the time DH comes home, usually around 7pm. He totally understands this and mucks in happily, sometimes taking over completely.

He's a lawyer for a bank so much of his day is spent in meetings drinking coffee and chatting. He has said on many occasions that he finds the weekends with 4kids far more exhausting.

dietcokeandwine Fri 04-Oct-13 21:37:04

I am a SAHM, we have 3 DC - one primary school age, one preschooler and a baby. DH is generally out of the house by 7:15 and is rarely back before 8 at night, and even then will then often have to work from home (conference calls, emails etc) till 11pm or later.

So with the best will in the world, there isn't an awful lot he can do to help with/take over/provide support with the DC during the week. I pretty much fly solo with all three of them on my own in terms of childcare and running the house from Monday to Friday. Sometimes DH might get home in time to read with the older two, but it's very much a sometimes, not always. He only sees the baby briefly in the mornings during the week, as baby is always in bed by the time DH gets home.

At weekends, though, we split most chores apart from laundry which I manage (he would put a wash on/hang it out/bring it in if asked, but wouldn't do anything unless asked, if that makes sense). I probably do a lot more in terms of keeping the house tidy but that's mainly because tidiness bothers me a lot more than it bothers him! But he'll do the week's shop or put the online order away. He'll do mealtimes and bathtimes and change nappies and read stories and take the DC out to the park. We take it in turns to have lie-ins, if we want them. We try and ensure we both get a bit of time out from time to time. And we've always had a kind of unwritten rule that one of us prepares a meal and the other washes up; during the week, it's generally me cooking and then DH washing up; we reverse roles at the weekend as DH does all our cooking then. And DH has always done his fair share of night wakings, too - not night feeds, because I breastfed, but any other wakings (illness/teething/nightmares or whatever) have been split between us.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling that your DH should help out more, but I do think it depends on the nature of the job that the main breadwinner has. If DH got home at 6 or 7 as a matter of course, I'd definitely be expecting him to muck in and help out! Our issue is that the demands of his job render this pretty much impossible during the week. I can't imagine how different it would be if DH had a job that enabled him to come home in time to help on a regular basis; I have friends who say things like 'I find it really hard because DH is never in till 6pm' which has me completely confused; that's not hard, it would be like a flipping holiday grin. I am resigned to always managing the midweek bath and bedtime routine on my own. But that's just the way it is for us; life is full-on and we both work hard but it always feels like a partnership.

PatioDweller Fri 04-Oct-13 21:38:16

Gosh, no way has DH ever thought his salary was anything other than our household money. As I said earlier, he is able to earn what he earns only because I sah.

Also, if it's not fair to expect someone who works to do anything around the house when they come home, how does that work when both parents are out at work? Things still need to be done. It is not impossible to come in from work and do chores and childcare, many parents do.

gemdrop84 Fri 04-Oct-13 21:39:12

He mucks in and does his fair share. This includes either doing dinner or washing up\cleaning up, putting dcs to bed. We both team up to clean the house on the weekend and we each get a lie in. He will happily take dcs out to give me a bit of peace or take over when Im ill. He's very supportive- he just couldn't sit down at the end of day and watch me get on with everything.

everlong Fri 04-Oct-13 21:40:12

It is hard being at home with several young children. I have done that and I agree it's exhausting.

Mine are 14 and 7 now so a different situation. DH runs his own business and often works when he gets home, sometimes for hours.

I just would not expect him to start making meals, clearing up, doing laundry etc.

He's not an arsehole, far from it but I just wouldn't ask it of him.

Squitten Fri 04-Oct-13 21:45:23

DH does a lot. He runs a business so can set his own hours to a large extent. We have a 5yr old, 2yr old and I'm 36wks pregnant.

We all get up around 6am, courtesy of the kids, and will have breakfast together. I get DC1 ready for school while DH gets ready and then he drops him off and heads to work. He won't then be home until well after the kids are in bed so that's basically it Mon-Fri with the exception of DC2's swimming lesson, which he always does. Some evenings he will get home early and cook for me and him.

Weekends are very different though - DH does loads with the kids, often taking them out to give me a break, and cooks big roasts, etc

gamerchick Fri 04-Oct-13 21:47:41

My husband is up at 4.. gets back in between 3 - 6pm. Mine are at school all day so I do everything in the house as it's my job. I still get a couple of hours or 3 to do what I want. Evenings he plays with the youngest while I feed and water/ clear up. I work weekends in quite a physical job so he takes over with childcare included.

I get the better deal imo.

PatioDweller Fri 04-Oct-13 21:49:23

Yes I'm sure it will get easier as they get older. Mine are 10, 8, 5 and 2 and I'm pregnant! grin

DH does sometimes do bits and bobs of work in the evening. However, far less than his uni lawyer friends who are in Practice. His job is full on and stressful in a way he thrives on so he isn't coming home overcome by stress or anything. That probably makes a difference.

dietcokeandwine Fri 04-Oct-13 21:50:45

'Gosh, no way has DH ever thought his salary was anything other than our household money. As I said earlier, he is able to earn what he earns only because I sah'

Same here, patio. My DH will always admit very honestly that he is only able to do what he does as effectively as he does it because I am doing the SAHM job that I do.

AveryJessup Fri 04-Oct-13 21:54:23

My DH is rarely home in time to help out with bath/bedtime stuff. If he is, I can leave him to it and he's happy to do it. At the weekends we do it together and he cleans and cooks a lot as well.

We used to have a very equal relationship but just as DS was born, he changed to a very high-profile job that demands a lot of commitment so for the time being he doesn't do as much at home as I'd like. Or he'd like.

It's putting me off having a second child, I have to say. Most of my friends have DHs who help out a lot more and are usually home in time for bath/bedtime. On the other hand, a lot of DH's friends' wives are really put upon, 2 or 3 children under 5, husband traveling all the time and even when he's at home he works all the time and does nothing in the home. I don't know how they do it and aren't permanently shattered all the time.

chillykitty Fri 04-Oct-13 21:56:03

My dh doesnt get home till 6:30 or 7pm
So i hv usually got both girls ready for bed he mite read to them

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