to ask sahms

(159 Posts)
rosieposey78 Fri 04-Oct-13 19:49:07

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

ZenNudist Fri 04-Oct-13 20:21:41

When I was on mat leave dh would share the evenings (bath & bed) but I'd do the night feeds (ebf ds but would think it fair to do that even if ff).

Weekends we share everything & get a lie in each. My day was hard work so I'd not let him argue I had it easy. In your case it's harder with dc at school too.

Next mat leave we will do the same. He still gets a nicer meal as a result of me having more time not working.

I can't understand working dads daring to come home & put feet up. Unless job very physically demanding. I also don't think it's fair for dads to work long hours leaving their wives to it all evening but if significant salary involved would see why it might be the case.

evertonmint Fri 04-Oct-13 20:21:54

I have a 5yo and 3yo. My DH is out at 8am and back at 7pm. He gets breakfast for the kids while I shower. Then he comes straight home to bath and helps finish that off and get them to bed. He reads to one while I read to the other, or we all snuggle up as one of us reads. He then cooks dinner while I finish tidying, or vice versa. He probably cooks a bit more than me - maybe 3 out of the 5 nights.

At weekends he does lots of activities with the kids and most of the cooking, and various household jobs. We work together to get the house straight on a Sunday night. We share making DS's packed lunch.

He takes no responsibility for laundry though, and he tends to choose his jobs and I end up doing the others IYSWIM. So both of those facts annoy me, and he acknowledges when he's being a bit rubbish on that, but the split of actual work is fair when he's around.

I work freelance a few times a year and my hours are stressy then as I am fitting them around family life so working 8-10 hour days in school hours plus evenings. He takes on more of the burden of dinner and getting kids to bed himself and tidying then so that I can work in the evenings.

Fairenuff Fri 04-Oct-13 20:22:24

Ok he does a 13 hour day. You do longer than a 13 hour day. So he needs to pitch in more. What's the problem?

Charlottehere Fri 04-Oct-13 20:23:03

She out of the house, just over 12 hours a day. We share child are when he gets in. He has taken over tonight, after leaving for work at 530 this morning so he could be back early to do this as I am I'll. he is ace.

PatioDweller Fri 04-Oct-13 20:23:42

He does lots in the evening. At the weekend everything is split and we both get a lie in.

We try and judge it sensibly as some evenings he is truly shattered so I'll do bed and bath and he may or may not start tea (if not then I know he's wiped out so don't complain) Other nights he'll come in and I've had one of the days and he'll do literally everything including cooking and stacking dishwasher afterwards.

We're a team and it's a partnership. I'm not militant in that I never say 'I only look after DCs in the day not house.' I do washing and some cleaning and cooking. Some days more than others. He also knows that me staying at home meant pretty much giving up my career and also facilitated him being able to rise high in his. He's a lawyer for an investment bank so couldn't do the hours or travel which was required to get to where he is without my sah. As I said, it's a partnership.

Pilgit Fri 04-Oct-13 20:24:45

I am out of the house 12 - 13 hours a day at work. I come home. do the bed time and frequently go back to work after bed time. I don't do a lot of other chores during the week but at the weekend it is equal (approximately). During the week, if needed, I'll sort out an online grocery shop, buy birthday cards and present, pick up general school related admin and do things at lunchtime that don't 'need' me to be present in our home.

I cannot imagine not wanting to come home and spend time with the DC. It is such a tonic to deal with them rather than work (they are very funny).

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 04-Oct-13 20:25:22

When I was a SAHM we used to both muck in together during the evenings,, whatever that may be. Mainly that would be kids and cleaning up after our meal.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 20:30:35

To add dh would never claim I have it easy. He has a very enjoyable, social job that involves long lunches and chatty "meetings." He's very aware that wiyh a non-napping dd I get absolutely no downtime at all during the day. So it's entirely fair that he mucks in in the evening.

MollyHooper Fri 04-Oct-13 20:32:25

We don't have any agreements or rules, when DH finishes work he just gets on with what needs done while I'm busy doing something else.

He always gets DS1 (6) settled for bed while I sort DS2 (2 months) out and f I've had a rough day he takes over night feeds.

We just get on with things, the only expectation is that things work and we both are happy.

If your not happy you guys need to chat about compromise. He goes to work, comes home and expects to be to do nothing, when do you get time to do nothing?

littlemisssarcastic Fri 04-Oct-13 20:34:53

How much leisure time do you have in 24 hours OP?

How much leisure time does your DH have in 24 hours?

Finola1step Fri 04-Oct-13 20:35:27

Both Dh and I work. I work 4 days a week and am out for 13 -14 hours each day. DH is a freelancer. He does the school and nursery runs 4 days a week, looks after dc after school. When I get in, we share bath and bed. He then goes back into work for 2-3 hours. I then get the house straight before going to bed. We share the night disturbances, illnesses etc. He will then work a day over the weekend. It works for us because we don't have family nearby, we don't want dd in full time nursery and we don't want ds in after school club.

Yes your DP works long hours. But he should still be parenting when at home in the evenings in some shape or form.

ouryve Fri 04-Oct-13 20:36:16

Yes. When he is home, we share 50:50.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 04-Oct-13 20:39:13

from the other perspective. I get home at 6pm and DH at 4pm. We share the workload

zoobaby Fri 04-Oct-13 20:39:40

I do the night wakings and DP will get up from 6am onwards to do breakfast with our 12mo so I can stay in bed til he leaves at 8am. He didn't always do this and it took me cracking the shits with him big time at around the 6 months mark for him to realise I couldn't do it all. If he is finishing early he'll call to see if I'm able to delay DS' bath so he can do it grin. He also plans to do night wakings when I go back to work in a month. We'll see how that pans out, but I really appreciate the sentiment.

mummybare Fri 04-Oct-13 20:40:44

I'm not a SAHM, but I only work 2 days a week. DH is out of the house for 12 hours most days, sometimes more, sometimes less. When he's here, we share the cleaning up of the kitchen, living room, etc. He always does the bins. I do 90% of the cooking, and all the shopping, planning, etc., just because I'm usually here. I tend to eat early with DD and he heats his up when he gets in. If he's back in time, he'll do DD's bedtime routine and I'll clean up. If he's not back, I put DD to bed and clean up, no biggie.

But, crucially, we both sit down to relax at the same time in the evening, so even though I'm doing the majority of the house stuff, it feels fair.

Wilberforce2 Fri 04-Oct-13 20:43:22

I only have one ds who is 5 so I don't generally need a lot of help but I sometimes think it would be nice if dh offered to put him to bed or clear up after dinner once in a while but he doesn't because he works all day and doesn't get home until 6.30pm. I never say anything though as like I said I only have one child, I am 21 weeks pregnant though so I would like to think I will get a bit more help next year!

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot Fri 04-Oct-13 20:44:04

Another shift working husband here. He leaves at 5:30am on days and gets home about 7:30pm so he isn't home before the kids go to bed. I'm normally doing bed routine when he gets in. When on nights, he's in bed when they go school and back at work when they are going to bed.

On days when he is working, I don't expect him to do anything. On his rest days, we share the chores, especially the kids' routines.

5madthings Fri 04-Oct-13 20:45:07

My dp is very hands on, once she is home its very much we are both on duty, so he will do diner if I am busy with little ken and helping the others do homework, he helps with getting them to bed, he will wash up whilst I wipe table, sweep floors or fold laundry etc.

I do housework whilst he is out at work but when he is at home he will go over if it needs doing, put on a load of laundry, change bedsheets etcetc.

I am on duty all the time he is at work and once he is at home we are both on duty until kids are in bed and jobs are done.

He does shift work so if he is on latest he will take kids to school in morning etc.

If people partners come in after work and don't help what do they do?!! Do they just sit on their arse?!

cantthinkofagoodone Fri 04-Oct-13 20:45:12

On mat leave dh would get home and I would do dinner whilst he would do the bedtime routine. I was ready for a break from DS by then.

Neither of us are sat doing nothing, we are either looking after DS or doing jobs or both doing jobs until we can both sit down.

It drives me bonkers if I'm running around and he's sat chilling out. Its just not fair.

MollyHooper Fri 04-Oct-13 20:46:10

Some people have very strange attitudes when it comes to what is expected of a SAHPs, my mother is one of them.

DH would never watch me struggling while he sits on his arse on the principle that he works, thankfully the idea has never entered his head.

He has my back completely.

5madthings Fri 04-Oct-13 20:49:39

molly same here, it would not occur to dp to come home and sit on his arse whilst I was running around doing din er, supervising homework, getting kids to bed etc. He just gets stuck in!

His mum thinks its terrible and has bemoned the fact I don't get up before him and make his bfast....

I drop DS at playgroup at 9am and collect at 12. This allows me an hour to exercise and then I do supermarket run and admin and laundry. Afternoons I do stuff with DS.

I do all cooking and food shopping and all basic tidying and maintenence housework and laundry: a cleaner comes first thing for 1.5 hours twice a week and does bathrooms, proper cleaning and irons DH work shirts as I'm crap at it

DH gives Ds breakfast (that I've prepared) and plays with him while I have a coffee. He leaves for work before 8am and often works til 11pm but tries to get back for DS bedtime before heading to office again.

Sometimes he has to work weekends too and about 7 times a month he will have to work til 1am or later.

I try to let him lie in after those weeks.

I did all night wakings because BF.
I don't ever get lie ins but I can opt to go to bed early especially as I often am here on my own in the evenings.

He works really hard: I try to let him spend his non work time playing with our little boy rather than housework.
He does empty dishwasher and wash pots and plates after our evening meal, assuming he's in to eat it.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot Fri 04-Oct-13 20:55:19

When my husband gets home from work, we both sit on our arses because the kids are in bed and everything has been done in the house, because it's almost 8pm! grin

heather1 Fri 04-Oct-13 20:55:41

Dh leaves at 7.45, returns at 6-7. He has always helped in the evening. When they were younger either bath or bed. Now mainly bath. We take it in turns to do the story. ( try to persuade each other to read it!).
It gives me a bit of a break plus he gets to spend time with them and its not just him being fun dad.

TSSDNCOP Fri 04-Oct-13 20:55:44

DH is in a very high pressure job with a daily 2.5 hour commute. He also travels abroad a lot.

He does bath time where they talk about their day, reads a story does the ironing and cleans up after dinner.

I work PT in a less stressful job and do the rest.

At weekends DH also volunteers to help at a club the DC attends.

I think we are a good team.

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