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AIBU and mean or friend is trying to take advantage?

(107 Posts)
Hopemore Thu 03-Oct-13 21:48:08

Sorry if this will be long and boring, I will try and do my best to explain the situation.

I am friends with "Betty" for a long time now and so are our kids. We constantly pass second hand stuff to each other, anything really, be it for the kids, ourselves, household...we usually check with each other first before offering to someone else or charity shop.

One day Betty came to my house and asked to buy a specific item that I had bought brand new for business use but no longer needed anymore. The item is in mint condition. I let her take it to her home so she could show to her husband and try at hers, even though she had tried at mine may times before. I said to her I couldn't price it at that point as I wasn't even thinking of selling it now and I needed to check on eBay how much the item is selling for.

So she took it home and 4 days later, in replying to my txt regarding other subject, she said that they decided to buy the product and asking me about my price, but she had just seen a similar one (not in great condition like mine and an old version too) at a charity shop going for £6, so she was just giving me an idea...

I than checked on eBay and saw that there is none like mine for sale (mine has an extra useful bit), but there is the old version going for £30+. I bought it brand new for £65.

So I texted her and said that my price was £30. And that I knew a neighbour who could sell one of the old ones for £25. She than txt me back saying that she is better go and check if the charity shop one is still there available and I suggested she give them a call and ask them to hold it for her (as she was working).

Anyway, no more communication since and she still using my item, never paid anything and doesn't really bother me as I don't need it nor need the money.

However we usually meet every Thursday with another friend, usually in my home, I couldn't hosted today but the other friend said that Betty invited her to go to her house...
And I was not invited...
So now I am wondering if she is angry with me because I am not selling the item for £6 or even giving it to her for free, or if she is only avoiding me because she doesn't want to pay for the item?

Am I being mean and selfish after all?

Hopemore Thu 10-Oct-13 00:14:22

YY
We move in few same circles so I think the kids will have a chance to play without much organised playdate stuff.
O 'own' her a sleep over so I said she can just let me know whenever she needs it. So I will just wait. Not going to ask or offer again.

MellowandFruitfulSnazzy Wed 09-Oct-13 23:21:57

OK, so now you have it again, you can just back off a bit from the friendship and let the dust settle. Just do the kids' get togethers and say you are busy for any suggested meetings of just the two of you.

Hopemore Wed 09-Oct-13 23:13:21

Hi,
yes I got it back but as it as its own carrier bag for travel and storage, I haven't take it out and check. I believe everything is ok and she had it for one week and a half only.

MrsJK Wed 09-Oct-13 13:51:03

Have you got it back yet OP? Interested to hear the condition it comes back in shock

shewhowines Tue 08-Oct-13 09:38:51

I'd feel the same as you op. Still, now you now know that she doesn't value you, as much as you need a friend to, and you can gradually minimise her presence in your life, without a big "fallout".

Hopemore Tue 08-Oct-13 09:19:10

I think I totally get what you are saying.
And it is not even about the material side of things.
It is about the feeling that you are being used and the doubt if you are truly appreciated for who you are instead of what you can offer to their benefit.
I have been rummaging this for the last few years but I think the last situation was the ice on the cake and I just don't want to have this in my life anymore.
At least not so often.
But still need to keep the kids friendship going.

PatoBanton Tue 08-Oct-13 08:20:44

I think you just need to put the boundaries back in place as they have got very blurred. Next time don't give her something 'to try out'. Just say talk to your DH and I'll think of a price and we'll talk again soon.

Fwiw I have a well off 'friend' who totally takes advantage of me, and thus I don't see him any more as I figured he was always going to come off better in any given situation, and I couldn't spare the headspace this cost me in trying to figure out if he intended to be such an arsehole.

I don't think he did but I think it is hardwired into him that other people's needs come second to his own, so he is unlikely to change, however nice he is to everyone - underneath is a true businessman iykwim.

Hopemore Tue 08-Oct-13 08:08:25

so why didn't accept the other one?

far too young to sit in a swivel chair hmm

i think she was intending to use it indefinitely and has come up with this crap.

Hopemore Mon 07-Oct-13 23:14:59

Maybe she found this thread out?

I don't understand though
Didn't she wanted the other one because it has a hole on it and does not look perfect?
Or would she use the good one for 2 months only and just give it back?
Anyway, I do think her child is to young to sit on a swivel chair but not my call I guess.

Glad it is over and I can stop over-thinking about it now.

Jux Mon 07-Oct-13 23:07:43

Cheeky mare. At least you're getting it back though.

Scarifying Mon 07-Oct-13 22:49:37

That seems like a good outcome smile.

Hopemore Mon 07-Oct-13 21:44:45

Update:

Sent a txt today asking friend to swap the high chairs as I wanted to keep the good one safe until I close and sell and wouldn't mind for the 'damaged' one to be in use so she could borrow it.
She than apologised and said that she didn't need a swap and was going to bring my high chair back.
I asked her if she got the charity shop one and she said that she just figured that her child is 2 months away for not accepting the high chair anymore and he will be sitting in one of the swivel chairs at the breakfast table (he was 1 in March).

Jux Sat 05-Oct-13 09:20:12

But do make sure you've got the good one in your hands before you mention the othergrin or she'll talk you into letting her keep the good one.

If you are closing your business, then it is expected that you sell off the assets, btw.

Jux Sat 05-Oct-13 09:18:40

I think your idea is a good one, but too complicated for an opening gambit. I would send her a text asking for the chair back, but if she makes a fuss about it - "oh dear, it's so useful, what shall I do" blah blah blah - then when she brings the chair back, you can say that you've found another, very serviceable but slight damage, and she can borrow that.

CombineBananaFister Sat 05-Oct-13 08:31:22

I actually think you're getting a bit of a rough ride on here and I don't think you are a mug either.
You asked if you were being mean/selfish/unreasonable and clearly you are not so that's the AIBU answered. Surely what you choose to do now is up to you? you sound like you have good morals and she's lost a friendship and that's enough for you.
A lot of posters on here seem so genuinely irritated for you that she's taken advantage (which is nice) but it doesn't mean you should get grief for not taking it back if you don't want to.
Personally I couldn't afford to lose that amount of money so would have to get it back, but if I didn't I'd be the same as you - fuck her if that's what she thinks the friendships worth and good riddance.

frumpypigskin Sat 05-Oct-13 08:16:26

I think the idea of slipping 'hey, by the way did you decide whether you wanted to buy the highchair?' into the conversation is the way to go.

I know the money will not change your life but you are friends and if it annoys you it's only fair to you both to sort it out, otherwise it will fester.

I can be a bit socially dense at times and I would much rather someone said if they were getting annoyed with me.

Be brave and address it.

Jinty64 Sat 05-Oct-13 07:42:10

Actually I think you are doing the right thing. If she is prepared to risk your friendship for £30 then so be it. You now know what she is like and can act accordingly. I would also let it go.

NicknameIncomplete Sat 05-Oct-13 06:59:57

She wont regret what she did as it sounds like she doesnt care much for your friendship because if she did she wouldnt have behaved like this.

Phone her & ask for it back.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 05-Oct-13 00:40:18

Sorry, but I think your behaving like a bit or a martyr. Just grow a pair and ask for it back.

Mimishimi Sat 05-Oct-13 00:16:58

I'd just ask for it back.

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 04-Oct-13 23:51:54

Hopemore. You are making it too complicated. Just send a text asking if she wants to buy it or give it you back. It really is that simple. She isn't sitting at home thinking about it. She is just pleased to have a lovely chair for free and is hoping you are too embarrassed to mention it.

I would send one of the texts suggested.

Hopemore Fri 04-Oct-13 23:45:04

No more Thursdays for her in my household
I hear you all, I'm a mug, but I will let her have it her wag this one last time .
And than she will realise that my friendship was worth more than £65. She will regret not being honest or humble enough to ask me to give or lend it to her.

However, I just had an idea.
I hve another high chair, exactly the same, however slightly damaged on the padding of the seat, the foam is coming off. It's just cosmetic and doesn't affect the performance.
I will txt or call asking for the chair she got back, and offer to LEND the damaged one. Making sure to make it clear I will want it back when she finishes.
She is allowed to fix the hole if she wants too, I won't do it.

And yes, I'm a CM, bought the chair when I was opening the business, and I'm closing in one year time, not looking for new clients but we never know, that's why I wasn't thinking about selling the high chair yet.

littlecloud Fri 04-Oct-13 22:29:16

I agree just a quick text to say did you pick up the highchair from the charity shop? I'll pick mine up tomorrow or you can drop it off next Thursday.

Non confrontational and it makes it clear you expect the highchair back.

Assuming you're a childminder (which you might not be but its the most logical deduction), how many hours of childcare would you have to provide to pay for the chair? 13 (assuming £5 an hour)? So a day and a half.

If you're prepared to forgo that that's clearly your call. Your friend however is a cheeky bitch who has manipulated you into giving her this item that you weren't even going to get rid of before she asked to BUY it.

I have a beautiful vintage 50s dress worth a similar amount of money. I haven't worn it for about 5 years since I've put a bit of weight on. So because i'm not using it by your logic I should just give it to my slim friend who might wear it

Just NO.

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