To want PIL to back off?

(98 Posts)
Snowwhitehaditeasy Thu 03-Oct-13 07:21:50

PIL have been fairly overbearing since ds was born, he's now 4. I've posted previously under another name about the fact ds has to go over over single Sunday without fail and how we are never ever allowed to miss a week. I wanted this arrangement to cease one ds started school but thus far he's still been every Sunday as dh seems incapable of saying no. Apparently MiL has a huge sulk if ds isn't coming.

I think they are pretty damn lucky to see ds each weekend, especially given some of their past behaviour. My parents tend to see ds most Saturdays since dh plays golf every Saturday and if we don't see them we are on our own. However, we are not "contracted" into this, if something else comes up with friends etc my parents don't mind. I'm mentioning this because it's not like my parents see ds loads and PIL get a rough deal. In addition to this PIL have four children of their own, five other grandchildren (albeit all grown up) and two great grandchildren who are still small. My parents have me. That's it. They are both only children too and so am I so ds is the only grandchild.

Last week PIL came to babysit for ds (they are always asking to babysit -not for our benefit you understand, but so they can have ds). Mil starts up "next time he will have to have a sleepover at ours, my friend has has granddaughter every weekend."
That's nice, says I, but it's ok thanks. Mil is not put off "we'd love to have him on a little sleepover, maybe he could come once a month? You'll have to let him do it sometime, he's not your baby anymore you know. It's our right to have a little sleepover sometimes, it'd be lovely for us."

Which really pissed me off as we have recently discovered we can't have anymore children, and mil knows this. Ds doesn't stop at my parents either so again it's not like PIL are missing out to my parents. I felt like saying, well he's not your baby either is he? Generally the more they go on the more I dig my heels in.

The thing is my parents would never go on at me or dh like this so why do PIL think they have some sort of right? Aibu to want to say fuck off, you're lucky you see him as often as you do and actually it's none of your business whether or not he has a "little sleepover"?

Mindmaps Thu 03-Oct-13 07:24:54

Your DH is the problem simply.

YouTheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 07:25:52

Keep just saying no.

It is time for your dh to grow some balls. Start just going out and doing stuff with your ds on Sunday and leave your dh to his odd parents.

WorldPeaceAndFreeProsecco Thu 03-Oct-13 07:29:12

I remember your last thread and im shocked this is still going on.

Your dh is the problem here, although what happened when you took Ds out for the day to a castle iirc?

reelingintheyears Thu 03-Oct-13 07:29:13

The every weekend thing would do my nut in, what happens when you're away on holiday or he goes to a party or something else is planned.
An occasional night at the GPs wouldn't bother me but if it's going to morph into a set 'thing' then i'd be wary.

And yes he is still your baby, mine are all still my babies and they're grown up!

reelingintheyears Thu 03-Oct-13 07:30:18

And huge sulks should be ignored.

PoppyWearer Thu 03-Oct-13 07:30:35

Your DS is now 4yo. Does he have opinions on seeing your MIL so often? He must be missing out on a lot of birthday parties by now. Would he want a sleepover?

When my DMum and MIL push for sleepovers etc I now put the ball in my DD's court (she's recently turned 5yo) and she will be the one saying "no, I don't want to". Luckily they are sensitive enough to leave it at that...

But yes, your DH needs to step up.

Snowwhitehaditeasy Thu 03-Oct-13 07:32:08

He has missed out on things with friends that happen on a Sunday.

He likes pil but he doesn't want to go for a sleepover. He says he likes his own little bed.

MrsZimt Thu 03-Oct-13 07:33:13

It's been going on for a while now, your dh still hasn't managed to say no to his parents and your pil still disregard your boundaries.

Until you tell them what you want instead of letting them tell you what to do with your child nothing will change.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 03-Oct-13 07:35:06

not still going on!

yes it is your dh who is the problem.

you have to be a bit clearer aand firmer til your h grows backbone.

what hppened that time you hd something on on the sunday?

MrsZimt Thu 03-Oct-13 07:35:28

Because it's in aibu:

Yes, you are being unreasonable, because you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

PaulInHolland Thu 03-Oct-13 07:35:42

They do sound a bit grabby about your DC. But the relationship between a GP and GC can be special for the GC. So I think you ought to say no to certain demands but reply with a more acceptable alternative. I also think it is important to ensure that your PILs see your DC roughly as often as your DPs. In the future you might be very grateful for babysitting and sleepovers,then you can have evenings and nights for yourselves.
I am a sorry to hear you cannot have any more DCs,but I do not see what that has to do with your post.

Tailtwister Thu 03-Oct-13 07:37:50

Well, your MIL was very insensitive to make the 'he's not your baby any more' comment, especially since she knows you are unable to have any more children.

All the other stuff is too much and your DH needs to address it. As for the sleep overs, he's your child and it's your decision where he sleeps.

Tee2072 Thu 03-Oct-13 07:39:52

I think both you and your husband need backbones.

This week you say 'sorry, we have plan, we won't be around on Sunday.' And stick to it. Too bad if she sulks. Is she the 4 year old?

Groovee Thu 03-Oct-13 07:40:59

You and your dh just have to say no. You made a rod for your own back by starting the visiting them every Sunday.

Sit down and speak to your dh and decide on an action plan. Then tell MIL how it will be. She will soon get used to it.

lovelychops Thu 03-Oct-13 07:41:56

Make plans this Sunday, let her sulk! What's the worst that can happen? Only you (and your husband) can put a stop to this, your PIL aren't going to change.

Snowwhitehaditeasy Thu 03-Oct-13 07:44:46

My parents and dh's see ds equal amounts. If anything mine see him less because we don't go every single Saturday. Certainly my dad sees him less than FIL so it isn't like pil are being short changed.

I commented about not being able to have anymore children because I sort of feel like mil has had four children of her own, five grandchildren etc but ds is all I've got and all I'm ever going to have - surely it's our time to have with ds and our decision to make. It annoyed me when she was all 'he's not your baby' it just seemed cruel off the back or our recent discovery. I guess I could be over sensitive but I don't think so and is you knew her you wouldn't think so either!

koalacube Thu 03-Oct-13 07:44:52

YANBU to think they are being way too pushy and demanding!

Where they got the idea about their 'right to a sleepover' just because a friend does it I don't know? ?

buttercrumble Thu 03-Oct-13 07:47:59

So sorry you still having a hard time I remember you last thread, your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up them and tell them, I know how you feel . I have a similar problem, he should put you feelings before anything else flowers

Snowwhitehaditeasy Thu 03-Oct-13 07:50:15

Thanks

I'm not trying to stop them seeing him or anything, it's great he has a good relationship with them but they just seen to constantly want MORE. They didn't take their own children to see their grandparents every week, and they only lived round the corner. I know because I asked dh and he said he used to go once or twice a month. So it annoys me that they now expect ds to go every week and apparently now once a month for a sleepover!

bigfuckoffpie Thu 03-Oct-13 07:50:44

Maybe, and I know this is hard, you need to start taking a firmer line in conversations yourself? It sounds like MIL has a bulldozer like approach and you need to be blunter, rather than holding back and seething afterwards.

Her: "I'd like to take DS for a sleepover every month"
You; "No, that won't happen. We like to make plans as a family."
Her: "It's our right to see him."
You: "Actually, grandparents don't have any formal rights. We're going to the cinema this Sunday, but will try and pop in briefly afterwards. Right, I must go to the shops..."

Try not to use them for any babysitting, and if she whinges to DH then tell him he needs to back you up.

ivykaty44 Thu 03-Oct-13 07:51:28

you need to address the issue and explain very gently and firmly that there is no way your ds will be going for a sleepover however little as before you know it you will be tied into a contract like you are with sundays not being your own any more and you don't want to live like this.

You could also mention that when ds gets invited to party's on a sunday you will not be declining the party invites.

You do not have to be nasty, if they then want to make a scene or a song and dance and cause upset that is their choice but if you say it kindly and you say it politely then you can tell them again nicely to stop being so unreasonable and silly over visits

OTTMummA Thu 03-Oct-13 07:53:34

YADNBU.
The whole 'not your baby anymore' comment was very cruel and I would have struggled not to cry and tell her where to go if that was me.
Remember that they do not have any rights to him he isn't a possession fgs, but as his parent you get to decide what activities he does on a weekend and I would no longer be keeping this arrangement, if there are parties or other things he wants to do so be it.
You've asked him if he wants to sleep over and he said no, I would tell PILs this and ignore any sulking, leave the fallout to DH as he hasn't tried to resolve the situation himself, sounds like he needs a push.

Jackanory1978 Thu 03-Oct-13 07:55:03

Just say no!!!!

Make plans for Sunday, inform PIL of those plans (in a nice conversational tone) & stick to those plans. Why do you care if MIL gets sulky? Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

You just need to start being a bit more ballsy & sod what PIL think (I really mean that in a nice way, don't want to sound nasty).

StanleyLambchop Thu 03-Oct-13 08:01:46

Has he actually had to miss out on parties with his new friends because of seeing them? That is just not on. Surely your DH can see that? If your DS is anything like my DD then he would be very vocal to all and sundry about missing a party! How does your DH and your ILs respond when you say he has a party invite for Sunday? I can't believe your DH would not be touched by his little boys sad face! sad YANBU but I think you need to take control and be firm with your ILs if your DH can't.
(My DH is a bit like this with his parents, over the years he has learned to say 'you need to check with Stanley in case we have plans', then he leaves it to me. Means he does not have to say ''No' to her-coward)

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