To think double barrelling DC's names is a bit selfish and is storing up trouble?

(81 Posts)
grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:28:17

So couple has child. Couple not married. DC gets double barrelled name. Or couple marry, couple double barrel their name (or just woman does) and DC get that name. What are DC supposed to do when they have DC? Quadruple barrel perhaps? It's madness. Personally I am also aginist the father's name being taken as the default, very sexist and patriarchal. IMHO girls should get the mother's name and boys the father's. That way no names die out.

CaterpillarCara Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:50

It is no more short-termist than giving a daughter her father's surname, if she changes her name on marriage, it is wiped out in a generation.

In my daughter's case, maybe she will choose to use or combine my surname as thus far there are nine eligible boys to carry on her father's surname and no eligible boys on our side at all to carry on mine.

But that will be the choice of her and her DH.

We each only get to name one generation.

tallulah Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:50

YABVU. We are married. We have 5 DC and all 7 of us have the same db name. DCs 1 -4 are adults, and shock horror, are all perfectly capable of deciding for themselves what they want to do.

Whatever they choose, I think I'm more grown-up than my PIL and will accept the name they want (be it our name(s), their spouses name(s) or any combination thereof) and call them by that name. Not decide they are turning their back on the family by deciding to do something different and deliberately call them what I think they should be called...

tethersend Wed 02-Oct-13 20:54:12

I agree with you, OP.

I gave DD1 my surname as her middle name for that very reason.

Then we had DD2 and I had to give her the same middle name grin

rhetorician Wed 02-Oct-13 20:55:33

Slightly different situation here. Same sex couple, children can't legally have my name as their surname, so the registrar suggested that dd1 have my surname as her third Christian name. That way my name is on her birth cert, passport etc. it is not double barrelled (mine and dps names begin with same consonant so bit of a gobful) although people often assume this. School, e.g. I'm not really a fan of it, but at least a compromise. I know loads of women who keep their own surnames, but all their dcs have their partners name. I can only think of one couple where the children have their mothers name.

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:56:26

I feel you pain tallulah. MIL insists on referring to us as the 'DP surname trio' and we are not even bloody married! I told her if we did marry I'd keep my own name and she looked at me like I'd just murdered a kitten. But then she also thinks I should enjoy washing DPs socks.grin

muchostinky Wed 02-Oct-13 20:57:05

OP I see what you are saying here, but I have a bit of an issue.

My DS has his dad's surname (let's say it's Jones), but we are no longer together and I am about to get married to my now DP(Smith). DS doesn't have the same name as anyone in our home and he sometimes gets quite upset about it. If we have children we will all have a different name from DS and we will be in the same predicament.

So I was thinking of asking DS's Dad if we could double barrel his name to my surname and his and when DP and I get married we would double barrel to mine (Thomas) and DP's surname. So that even though we wouldn't have the same name completely, we would all have some part of a name the same.

So DS's name would be ...... Thomas Jones and my, DP and any future kids would be called Thomas Smith.

Is this a really awful thing to do, or is it just a nice way of making us all a 'family'?

Thurlow Wed 02-Oct-13 20:58:32

Ooh, I said this on another thread recently (and got shot down as it was apparently assuming the kids would be too stupid to think of their own name hmm) I think YANBU.

I think double-barreling would be a great idea if there was a standard like there is in Spain etc for passing on the names. Say girls passed on their mother's name, boys passed on their father's name.

Otherwise I do agree, it is in a way just passing on the name decision to your kids. I can easily see how an adult child might find it difficult to know which of the names to pass on, or be worried that they would upset one of their parents by dropping their name. If a parent cared enough to want their name passed on, they might conceivably be upset if their child decided to pass on the other parents name and drop theirs.

Obviously it's not the world's hugest issue, but then most of MN isn't - what an odd thing for people to complain about. And I think historically most of the double-barreled names were probably passed on as they were to wives and children. Nowadays people are double-barreling because they want to see both parents names passed on to their child, so it is slightly different.

cerealqueen Wed 02-Oct-13 21:00:58

I'm very 'selfish' too. But better that than DP being 'selfish' and me being resentful.

Children took father's name as they were a possession in law, as were women. I am more than happy to buck that tradition.

DCs can choose when they get older.

My daughters have my surname. No way I was going to be different to my own children.

I like the idea of smoooooooshing surnames together
So Jane Ball and John Cockcroft become Ms and Mrs Ballcock smile

rosy71 Wed 02-Oct-13 21:10:19

People have had double-barrelled names for centuries so I don't know why it would suddenly start causing problems now. I would imagine most people default to the men keeping theirs and women changing to their husbands. E.g Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Miss Brown and they become Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones; Miss Smith-Jones marries Mr Davies and they become Mr and Mrs Davies. Other options would be to just pass on one e.g. Miss Smith-Jones and Mr Davies have children called Smith-Davies. It's a bit of a non-problem if you ask me.

spindlyspindler Wed 02-Oct-13 21:13:39

My OH has a middle name and both of his parents' names (not double barrelled) and he's picked one to use. But "selfish" is a bit of a weird take on it. Isn't it just as "selfish" for one parent to insist that the child gets their name and not the other parent's?

Kendodd Wed 02-Oct-13 21:17:32

I kept my name, my husband kept his name, children are all double barrelled. I think they have a right to both names and don't understand why loads of women choose to give a child just the fathers name, but then I don't understand why they would take the husbands name themselves, it seems so old fashioned. I think our solution is perfect, the children are easily traceable (in that people know who the parents are) and they have a connection to both our families. I do fully expect them to drop one name in adulthood though, I expect they'll keep my husbands name because it's nicer than mine, or they might keep both names, I do hope they don't take a partners name though, although I'll be keeping this view to myself.

I think two names gives people lots of options, and that's good. If they meet somebody also double barrelled they could use the best name combination for their children, contributing one name each, perfect!

Do you have children op? What did you do?

Thurlow Wed 02-Oct-13 21:34:04

What if the names don't go together?

I wasn't really interested in db'ing our names for DC, but our names do not go together in any way at all.

So db'ing is a nice idea, but not always possible.

(I'm hiding my irritation too that the general assumption is always that if DC have the dad's name, it's out of blind tradition and not a thought-through decision.)

RealAleandOpenFires Thu 03-Oct-13 03:59:53

As I've mentioned previously on another thread, we're both last of our lines. So DS has a DB our last names & hopefully he will keep both last names down through his own line/family.

~~~~~

Ok OP, just for arguements sake...What happens, if an only child has a rare & unusual last name (last of line) and s/he decides to get married should s/he:-

1) Take her/his "DP"s name...and let the name die out, full stop.?
2) Keep her/his own name.?
3) DB both names.?
4) Hope that her/his future "DP" will "take" her/his name.
4a) Marry into Landed Gentry/Nobilty, (who have of course, have their "Family Seat name") & add her/his name to the list.? (It has happened in the past, both for monetry/titular reasons)
5) Try to combine both last names into a name.?
7) Refuse to get married & tries to adopt.?

~~~~~

[Quote]Personally I am also aginist the father's name being taken as the default, very sexist and patriarchal.[/quote]

May I enquire why? Though I doubt that you're willing to answer.! But, I suspect there's a problem somewhere.

"Surname":- a corruption and/or contraction of the words "Sire's Name".?

~~~~~

AFAIK in the UK, the max No. of DB names is 6 (please feel free, to correct me...if I'm wrong!.).?

Sockywockydoodah Thu 03-Oct-13 04:09:34

For us it was a way to reflect both sides of our DC's heritage.

Your question is perfectly legitimate but your tone is really unpleasant, OP. Do you really think you need to phrase things in a way you know will upset people just to have a conversation? I think that's a shame.

OhMerGerd Thu 03-Oct-13 05:16:37

Double-barrellers here too. I use my surname and DP uses his. The DD are db'd. We are a family together the Xs the Ys and the X-Ys and people often call myself and DP Mr and Mrs X-Y . We answer to it but don't use or introduce ourselves that way. . Mine is an unusual surname. It was important to me to pass it on. Their dad's v ordinary name is not so important to him in fact he offered for us all just to be Xs. But we're all happy as we are and no we won't lose any sleep if the DDs marry Mr A-Bs ...they will work it out to suit their new family. I won't feel snubbed if they don't use my lovely name btw. We won't have a family feud and become estranged... And if myself and DP have done our jobs well as parents they'll pick men who are can discuss and choose what to name their children without breaking down.

Tailtwister Thu 03-Oct-13 07:43:50

Our family use the mother's maiden name as one of the middle names and for any children after that the GM's maiden name and so on. Don't see the problem of double-barelled surnames though, apart from being difficult to use in the entirety on official documents/bank cards.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 03-Oct-13 07:45:30

I'm going to assume that by the time my children are emotionally mature enough to form a lifetime commitment and raise their own children, they can also work out what to do about their surnames.

StainlessSteelBegonia Thu 03-Oct-13 07:50:06

Personally, for me one of the joys of double-barrelling is knowing that my sons will be passing my name on to young women who've been firmly raised to be believe they're being very unreasonable if they want to keep their names or pass them to their children in any way.

(My tongue is quite firmly in cheek, in case it's not obvious.)

fairyqueen Thu 03-Oct-13 08:37:05

I think DC taking their dad's name is fair. It's obvious who the mother is, but men have to trust that the a child is theirs. Giving their surname shows acceptance that it's their child. My DD has my surname as an extra middle name, but seems to be trying to be known as if double barrelled!

Thurlow Thu 03-Oct-13 08:59:18

My thinking was quite like yours, fairy. Plus DP had stronger views than me, a lot stronger (me? it's just a name, it's her unique name just as mine is my unique name, I didn't feel a strong urge to reflect anyone's heritage) - and our chosen first name went much better with his surname.

Hooya Thu 03-Oct-13 10:13:53

Having a kid in the first place, choosing its name, how to feed it, dress it, raise it etc etc is selfish. Naming is just one aspect and there's no getting away from it; any choice will be selfish in some way.

My awesome adorable 3 week old DS has a double-barrelled surname. We think it's a lovely way for his name to reflect his shared heritage. And we are planning to raise him to be sensible enough to be able to find a good solution to what surname to use if he marries and / or has children.

Weller Thu 03-Oct-13 10:36:22

It is becoming more popular, I have no adults friend with double barrelled names but know quite a few children. Never really cared or thought about it but assume the chances now of couples where both have double barrels will increase with four surnames to contemplate when they have dc.

MrsBW Thu 03-Oct-13 10:46:28

Frankly, I couldn't wait to lose my father's name and take my husband's.

My father is a dick. My husband isn't.

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