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Weddings abroad(286 Posts)
Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?
Would they do the same for you?
If you said no, they might be pissed off. But they shouldn't be pissed off since your financial situation is something you can't currently help.
You are effectively putting the couple before your own family.
I don't understand why you can't say no and be clear why. What do you think might happen if you did?
OP you are creating a financial burden for your family rather than say No. It's really foolish. Your DH needs to think again, as do you!
You are planning to risk your family's financial security rather than lose face and admit to your friends that you cant afford this.
Cant you see that this is feckless behaviour? It is no different from buying a plasma telly on tick when you cant afford the repayments.
When they were throwing the idea around did your dp agree that he would be best man and attend abroad wedding? Thinking it would never happen? If that is the case then yabu to moan about it now and call them selfish and unreasonable. They discussed it before they booked!
if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I would tell them that you unfortunately cannot afford to attend. They will find someone else to be best man (perhaps from the wider family).
So just to clarify OP, you are going to get flights cheaply and share accomodation with friends and make it into your family holiday.
Does this mean you won't be staying at the venue? If so that will be an interesting discussion and one where you are absolutely in the right .Bride and groom will be annoyed as they have costed it based on the entire bridal party staying there so they will incur lots of additional cost if you don't stay there, but they absolutely cannot insist that you stay at a certain location.
'There are many, many examples where I've got into arguments with DH about pandering to their behaviour and sometimes he tells them how he'd like things and sometimes he tells me I need to suck it up. This is a suck it up occasion of massive proportions but one, with hindsight, of our own making because we should have said when they mooted the idea that it would be out of the question for us. We really thought it was a stupid idea they'd realise was stupid and not actually do. '
And therein lies the problem.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Well, there's inconsiderate behaviour due to selfishness/ ignorance , and there's financially reckless behaviour due to cowardice. Can't see how you're in any position to criticise the B&G's selfish behaviour by responding with a plan that' s both selfish and stupid (because you are not considering the future needs of your child here,you are spending money you don't have in a bid to smooth over a friendship).
You can blame the bride and groom all you like, but until you (as a couple) start taking responsibility for your own actions then your complaints are difficult to justify.
Well you can just say "Sorry, only looked at our budget when you gave us the price. We really can't afford it. Have a lovely time, will see you when you get back etc."
You are allowed to not care, but you won't get much sympathy when hundreds of people have advised you on how to politely decline.
Erm, so you did know there was a possibility it would be abroad all along, they haven't sprung it on you at all
You seem to have chosen to make martyrs of yourselves by going into debt. But at least you can enjoy bitching about the bride forever more
I agree we are idiots for putting up with this but I think because the bride has form for hair brained ideas neither my DH nor I genuinely thought this wedding would actually be abroad. Till we got the text that they'd booked it. See the earlier post about doing up the house but not doing it up. She barely ever follows through on anything. So with hindsight we should have said something earlier when the idea was mooted but my DH didn't want to cause a fuss about something that was unlikely to happen. Except it did and his bluff has been well and truly called. He is now scared of saying to them "Errr hang on, we didn't actually think you'd do this".
Yep we are totally enabling them, particularly the bride who does has form as in a previous example re sleeping arrangements. But DH's best friend is marrying her and to get along we'll go along with it. There are many, many examples where I've got into arguments with DH about pandering to their behaviour and sometimes he tells them how he'd like things and sometimes he tells me I need to suck it up. This is a suck it up occasion of massive proportions but one, with hindsight, of our own making because we should have said when they mooted the idea that it would be out of the question for us. We really thought it was a stupid idea they'd realise was stupid and not actually do. Now the bride is moaning on FB about how difficult it is planning a wedding abroad!!! Forgive me if I don't give a shit.
YABU. People (in general) seem to forget that a wedding is about what the bride and groom want. Anybody who has a problem with it doesn't have to go - problem solved.
Personally I always loved the idea of a wedding amidst a holiday with guaranteed sunshine and completely dodging the speeches/dramas with great aunts you never normally see and the crap disco at the end - and for DH & I (and our close friends/families) it couldn't have gone better.
Each to their own, etc etc - all you have to do is be upfront if you don't think you can afford the expense, or just don't want to go for whatever reason. When we got married some friends came, some didn't, for various reasons - we didn't mind at all
Expense wise it is no cheaper for a couple to marry abroad than marry here. It is however somewhat more romantic to marry cheaply on a beach than marry cheaply at a register office.
As for transferring the costs to the guest yes there is a bit of that but it only becomes a problem when they get funny if you cant afford to come, especially if you are a very close friend or part of the wedding party. 'Can't afford it' is often seen as an easy excuse, especially in the eyes of the couple who are all wrapped up in the 'we are getting married everyone be happy for us' mentality.
Bearbehind- agree with this post and your earlier one too.
Who's the fool? the fool with the exorbitant wedding or the fool who goes to it?
You really don't have to go but if you have decided you will be going there is absolutely no point in having any of the conversations you or your husband planned to have with the B&G.
If they thought what they were doing was unreasonable, they wouldn't have done it so no amount of pussy footing around will change that and if you are going anyway, unless you emotionally blackmail them into paying for you, which makes you as bad as them, any conversation is a complete waste of breath.
The b&g have been completely unreasonable by asking your DH to be best man at a UK wedding, then changing their minds and telling you how much their wedding abroad will cost you and how many days you have to be there for.
However, the fact that you find it necessary to compensate for their shitty behaviour in order to continue the friendship, by doing exactly what they want you to do and by getting into debt and seriously compromising your family's financial security in doing so, makes you the complete idiots, not them.
My original point on this thread was that I feel it's unreasonable for b&gs to pass on wedding costs to their guests by having a wedding abroad because it's cheaper for them but not cheaper for their guests. Give me an example where it's been cheaper for the guests to go abroad than it would have been in the UK?
Nobody has disagreed that obviously it's more expensive if people choose to accept the invite and make a holiday of it - nobody is holding a gun to your head, you seem set on making this their fault rather than blaming yourself/your DH for declining
If you want to be a martyr about it and then moan (and pay off your credit card) forever more then go for it
I'm also a lot clearer about what is getting my goat and how we can resolve it.
You can resolve it extremely simply, say no you seem scared of telling them the truth, are they really good friends or not?
If my best friend asked me for a pony for her birthday that would be unreasonable and thoughtless.
If I bought her one that would be *** stupid.
I think you're putting your friends before your finances and I think you always will because by going, you are enabling them to do similar again.
You are resolving it by going into credit card debt. You two are as bad as they are, but far less sensible with money.
I think you are going out of politeness and because you are afraid of upsetting them.
The bride and groom, meanwhile, should not be upset if their best man has no income and cannot afford to attend their overseas wedding. What they are doing is really unfair, and I think you're going just to please them.
I wouldn't go. Your credit card bill will last a lot longer than their wedding. It's unfair of them to ask so I'm at a loss to understand why you're going.
Also- remember that it will be about twice as expensive as you think it will be. If you can't refuse to go to their wedding, how are you going to refuse that expensive round of drinks at their wedding? or that big meal in the restaurant that they want you to go to? learn to say NO now, or you'll be paying for years.
Is a UK wedding really so expensive that flights & accommodation elsewhere are cheaper??
Even if the B&G weren't trying to pass costs on, isn't a wedding abroad for a guest always more due to travel & maybe staying longer?
Plus there's time off work!
OP, I really don't understand why you're going-especially if you can't find cheaper accommodation.
You need to tell them. Don't spoil their wedding by letting this fester under the surface.
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