Weddings abroad

(286 Posts)
FreeWee Wed 02-Oct-13 18:05:38

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

Bearbehind Wed 02-Oct-13 19:50:58

It's your decision OP but IMO if by 'the real cost' you mean your friendship with the couple, I think they have instigated the rift, not you.

If you really can't afford it, don't do it. If they are real friends, they will understand, if they aren't then it doesn't matter.

hermioneweasley Wed 02-Oct-13 19:52:52

OP, YANBU. In the scenario you described, it is just passing the costs on to your guests. Obviously not the case where one of the couple is from a different country and it's meaningful.

I assume you won't get them a present?

angeltulips Wed 02-Oct-13 19:56:55

Middle England mumsnet always comes out on threads like this - what about the thousands of people who have 2 homes because they're not both from Britain?

But to answer the op, presumably if your DH is close enough to the happy couple to be in the wedding party, it is no big deal to decline on cost/time/can't be bothered/I got mugged there once and don't want to go back reasons? As a poster upthread said, it's an invitation not a summons.

BrokenSunglasses Wed 02-Oct-13 19:59:33

I think the thing that has annoyed me about the two overseas weddings that I have been invited to is that the price for the couple is based on how many guests they get to come. That alone just seems to taint the whole thing for me.

angeltulips Wed 02-Oct-13 20:00:54

Sorry x post

I would just send your DH - you'll save 2x flights + single supplement (and maybe he could share with another single to avoid that?)

And if they don't like that they can get fucked go take a running jump

Bearbehind Wed 02-Oct-13 20:01:43

What about them angeltulips?

No one should have to go to a wedding, especially if it involves a significant cost in terms of time and money, and couples should never expect that they SIL, regardless of their reason for choosing their venue.

Bearbehind Wed 02-Oct-13 20:02:51

Will not SIL!

angeltulips Wed 02-Oct-13 20:06:27

Oh I quite agree

Just all this "well you should have it at HOME so EVERYONE can COME"

Sort of assumes there is one place that everyone's from. Which, ironically, is exactly the case here grin

Tbh I don't understand the prevailing mumsnet mindset on weddings (ie that they are a massive inconvenience that noone enjoys and it's best to try to wiggle out of attending wherever humanly possible, that the b&g are massively BU to even think that any of their friends would want to give up a day with their families to watch them get married etc etc) & so I do rather read all these threads with that tone. Needless to say, I don't agree with it!

FreeWee Wed 02-Oct-13 20:10:13

I will be going. I may be moaning but ultimately I will be sucking it up and save like mad (and max out the credit card). I just wondered if I had any justification in being miffed.

FreeWee Wed 02-Oct-13 20:10:59

I sincerely hope they won't be asking for gifts or that will be a whole new thread!!

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Wed 02-Oct-13 20:16:36

DH is best man at not one but two very far flung weddings next year. We really want to go to both but hmm it's so expensive it's already stressing me out.

SquigletPie Wed 02-Oct-13 20:18:56

Weddings abroad are a lovely idea, but when couples invite people to join them, to me it basically says that they care more about their venue than they do about the guests they want to share the day with.

We got married abroad because it was what we both had dreamt of. After all a wedding is about the bride and groom making a commitment to each other and not a party just for the benefit of the guests!

We let our close friends know a year in advance where and when. Some were able to come and some weren't- for varying reasons. All our friends were happy for us to have the day we wanted and we had no issue with those who couldn't be there. Why should we? It would be a very shallow friendship if there were any hard feelings on either side.

My brother and his wife couldn't make it because my SIL got pregnant shortly after the date was set. Were either he or I mortified and devastated? Of course not, plenty of other great days for us to enjoy together.

Bearbehind Wed 02-Oct-13 20:18:56

I would stake a significant sum on them asking for a present as well!

NachoAddict Wed 02-Oct-13 20:20:32

We have just got engaged and are planning our big day in Jamaica. The reason being that we don't want a huge do, we just want us and the dc and a fantastic holiday that we probably wouldn't be able to justify otherwise and certainly not on top of a wedding.

However we aren't expecting anyone to go with us, not even family, I wont be having adult bridesmaids and dp will only have a best man if his friend can afford it.

Also we are giving them us three years notice so if anyone really wants to come they have time to save.

expatinscotland Wed 02-Oct-13 20:25:06

'But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?'

Then why say yes to being best man? I don't get this. It's not compulsory. If you can't afford it, say, 'Sorry, thanks but I can't attend.'

Threalamandaclarke Wed 02-Oct-13 20:47:05

YANBU.
It's far less expensive to marry in a holiday destination than to host a wedding at home. And that means that all your "guests" are paying a lot of money to attend.
Try to get over it so you can enjoy it.

Threalamandaclarke Wed 02-Oct-13 20:47:55

Or decline.
Can you decline?

Alconleigh Wed 02-Oct-13 21:09:10

Don't go if you can't afford it. Weddings are due a BIG backlash as far as I am concerned. An awful lot of people need to learn that no one outside their immediate family really gives a fuck.

Grannylipstick Wed 02-Oct-13 21:18:36

When my first daughter married 4 years ago she toyed with the idea of a wedding abroad but didn't feel it was fair to be asking her friends to pay to be a guest. She couldn't afford to pay for all of her friends! She then decided on a secret wedding 12 months ahead. We told no one except 1 of my friends and her father and my mother. (We have 4 other children). We planned it all in secret, only telling our other children 1 week before the wedding. It was the best wedding ever. Her 6 friends turned up thinking they were all going out for lunch (they were told to dress reasonably smart) and were all whisked off to witness the wedding ceremony in a country house hotel. There were 22 of us. No fuss. No fall outs. No worrying about inviting cousins they had never met! My 2nd daughter married 2 years ago and decided on a marquee on a beach in Cornwall. Fabulous day , great weather but lots of stress trying to please sooooo many people. Both of these weddings were cost free for their guests.

Bearbehind Wed 02-Oct-13 21:25:04

What alconleigh said.

Some weddings are getting out of control now and the couples think about nothing but themselves.

I detest the view that guests should be honoured to be invited- most people really don't give a shit and they are not honoured to attend.

In many instances they are financially and logistically inconvenienced and couples should understand that and make their decisions accordingly.

Jengnr Wed 02-Oct-13 21:31:10

People on here always act like weddings are about the guests and get all HOW DARE THEY?!?!? It's ridiculous. Even the most reasonable wedding request gets Bridezilla bandied about.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect guests to pay for their own travel and yes, sometimes it's used as a way of making sure some people don't come. But ultimately the wedding is about the bride and groom and that's how it should be.

ILetHimKeep20Quid Wed 02-Oct-13 21:31:14

Just don't go if you have to get into debt and will be so consumed with resentment.

I got married abroad, to a place where it's easy enough to get a deal to, a resort location with lots of choice regarding accommodation and flights.

Didn't officially invite anyone, just spoke to people about what we were doing and tools then they were more than welcome to join us. 29 people did. 2 of which have since for married in the same location.

We didn't dictate to people about where to stay or flights, people were quite capable of sorting their own holidays out.t

bumperella Wed 02-Oct-13 21:41:47

A wedding is a major rite of passage and it's normal to want friends and family there to mark the occasion. If you don't want to go or can't afford it... then say so, apologise, and remember to send a nice card for the day. B&G (if normal human beings) would miss you on the day, but would understand and not get huffy.

If your DH wants to go (and in his shoes, I'd want to be there) then as it's driving distance, get DH to ask around to see if he can car-share with other guests, and share petrol/ferry costs. He'd end up paying single supplement for the hotel room, but that's surely not going to be outrageous? Or is there someone he could book into a twin room with?

YABU in being grumpy about being invited to a friends wedding. You'd be hurt if you weren't invited. Either go with good grace or turn down the invite or send DH on his own. Going with sour grapes is the worst of all worlds, life is too short.

MidniteScribbler Wed 02-Oct-13 21:56:02

Overseas weddings are my own personal form of hell. Everyone seems to want to get married in Bali. I detest Bali. Crappy disgusting hole full of aussie tourists looking to get high or drunk cheaply. I'm not wasting my holidays or my money going to a place I wouldn't normally ever want to set foot in again. Unfortunately it led to a falling out with a friend as not only was her wedding going to be in one of the most expensive places in Bali, it was during school terms. As a teacher, I can't just up and leave for her ten day "weddingbration" as she dubbed it. I had no interest in "Bridal Bungee Jumping" or "Hen's Hot Tub" that she had come up with to fill the ten days, and I don't particularly agree that all of those things are the "holiday of a lifetime" at a "mere" $10,000 (australian) per person. The many rsvps declining her "weddingbration" led to weeks of "well now I know who my real friends are" type status' on facebook. Bridezilla hell.

If you want to get married overseas, then nick off and go and do it. Don't expect everyone else to pay for the 'privilege'. Have a party when you get home and I'll happily come along, bring a present and celebrate with you.

bumperella Wed 02-Oct-13 22:10:46

Midnightscribbler - that's staggering!!!! Obv outrageous behaviour but at an extre,me end of the spectrum (surely?).

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