in thinking asking for money instead of a present is rude?

(192 Posts)
matrix11 Tue 01-Oct-13 21:15:52

That is it really, DS has come out of school today, with a party invite, to a party, in a few weeks and on the back the parent has wrote a blooming poem, saying how they want to choose their own gifts, so can we please give money, between £5 and £10 please, children from both classes have been invited, apparently not all, but about 40!
What is the matter with people[shocked] or am I out of touch these days...please let me knowsmile

Handbagsonnhold Sat 05-Oct-13 12:28:20

Make it a gift voucher.....for 4.99.....bloody cheek!

Threalamandaclarke Sat 05-Oct-13 12:25:23

But ppl like to give something, usually. So it would be better just to not mention it until ppl ask. But then I think it's perfectly ok to mention money at that point.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Oct-13 12:18:35

Then you say, 'no gifts' or ask for donations to your child's fav charity.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 05-Oct-13 12:16:06

Well I have to agree it is rude to ask for something as part of an invite.
But if asked, then a request for cash (or sweets, or nothing) would be fine by me.

soverylucky Sat 05-Oct-13 12:02:20

We have never had more than 12 guests to a party and that include a couple of sets of siblings so we have never had mountains of stuff. I don't get these parties where you invite the whole class even if you never play or talk to some of them. This means we have not had masses of stuff.

notso Sat 05-Oct-13 11:58:01

I think it's the way it's done that makes it rude because it makes you feel like you have to give cash. IMO you should never be made to feel a gift is compulsory.
I don't have a problem giving money towards a specific bigger item, if I ask the recipient what they would like but the way people phrase things in twee little poems make you feel that nothing we could give would be good enough.
DH and I have just declined an evening wedding invitation because the gift list was so rude.
MIL's friend buys all the gifts from her sons list then invites people to buy them from her to give to him!

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 11:45:17

DD1 is having a small tea party this year - 6 friends.

I doubt DD2 will ever have a rented-hall-type-mad-party and one of the main reasons is I we can't cope with all the gifts.

alemci Sat 05-Oct-13 11:40:51

tricky one be cool.

kids stuff does create so much clutter looking around my own place where 2 have left home for a while.

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 11:30:49

nfk just remember cash is what is wanted/asked for by the parents for whatever reason.

the child will always be delighted to receive your gift.

nkf Sat 05-Oct-13 11:19:17

It's really depressing when you're broke
and you would.like yur child to take part in the fairly normal childhood practice if taking a present to his friend's party. And you can make it happen.by.being careful and creative. But it turns out cash is what's wanted.

I recently sent cash for a wedding present. Bank transfer.no less. Not as much as most guests I'm sure. Mire than I would have spent on a present. Felt dreadful, but I won't go into debt.

#5 it #10. That is a lot for some people. It's inconsiderate inconsiderate to ask for money and specify the amounts.
;/

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 11:00:50

Johnny I never said you were lazy and nor did I think it - it never crossed my mind. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else?

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 10:59:04

I have DD's 6th birthday approaching - along with Xmas this is starting to stress me out. We (me and 2 DC) live in a one bed flat and I've had to do loads of decluttering just to make it bearable. The idea of lots of incoming presents (she doesn't need) freaks me out.

I would like to be able to say to the people who ask what the DC want, money please or a book or nothing would be great too. But most people would think I was being rude. Because its not the 'norm'.

And Norm is really starting to fuck me right off. As then I have an obligation to find a home for the gifts. And we simply don't have the room. So they start to degrade our day to day life (I am thinking in particular of a couple of very large hideous gift from last birthday), or they go straight to the charity shop. And yet so many on this thread would call me ungrateful and rude!!

Threalamandaclarke Sat 05-Oct-13 10:50:31

But johnny I'm not dissing your present. I think that's a nice idea.
I remember the maltesers thread and thought that would be a great gift. Genuinely.
It's just that I don't think there's anything wrong with specifying or giving money as long as it's obvious it's not compulsory and it's not an excessive amount.
Some ppl have said they would rather receive things that never get used, or get recycled to someone else or to a charity shop. I am surprised that ppl are really happy with that. It seems rude to expect someone else to be happy with that.

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 10:47:32

johnnie seriously I wasn't having a dig at you - I misread your post and incorrectly (and foolishly) assumed you weren't working. My mistake.
No dig [flower]

I never said you were lazy. As a SP on low income you have my full respect.

Johnny5needsinput Sat 05-Oct-13 10:43:28

Be cool. To address your points.

At the time I was physically incapable of working. I am happy to elucidate my various ailments including cancer to you by pm but I am not going to put them publicly on a thread.

So the wee dig about me not working at that point is a bit low. Yes i was on benefits. But I was anything but a lazy layabout who couldn't be arsed to go to work.

I now work full time in a professional job. Fwiw.

sugarman Sat 05-Oct-13 10:40:21

I think it's fine.

I'm all for giving people what they want.

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 10:38:16

Johnny5needsinput I'd suggest you do exactly the same as you would do now.

If it was acceptable to give a note in a card that wouldn't mean it was compulsory. Not everyone would. Just as when people ask for no gifts people still give them.

So you would still do whatever you do now. Maybe no gift (I'm totally cool with that -the obsession with presents is ridiculous IMO and even worse that it makes people on low budgets feel bad), maybe regift something, make something - just do what you do and please please please don't ever feel bad about not giving the "norm" of some plastic tat.

Home made cards are by far the best BTW, if you have the time to sort it out. I try to do them but don't always succeed. I encourage my DC to make cards too, and I keep a stash of cheap cards from Tiger at home for when we can't (.50p each and they are really lovely).

Paying £3 a card each time is utter nonsense. And some people like to spend loads on wrapping paper/bags etc - I recycle what we get in, and use old artwork of the DC as wrapping paper if I can. I have a birthday of someone close/important nearly every day of the first 2 months of October. Even as a FT working single parent I couldn't afford to cover the cards if I was to buy one for each person. Thank goodness for home-made cards, Tiger cheapies, and FB posts for those living abroad.

The worst that can happen is a parent wouldn't send their child to a party because they don't have card/present - and I've read about both sides of the story here on MN. Let's never lose site of the fact that children's parties are for children to celebrate with their friends, and feel special. Presents/cards should be an afterthought - the icing on the cake so to speak, not the focus of the day.

Just to add I'm a SP too - the difference is I work FT. We aren't poor, we have enough but we are far from rich. My main stress point is time - I don't have time to shop for kids birthday gifts (in fact I rarely spend time at any shops at all), and if I did have more time I would spend it with my DC, not on shopping for presents for DC's classmates. So a note in a card is my idea of a fantastic solution.

hermioneweasley Sat 05-Oct-13 10:37:36

That is awful.

Though when asked what DS woukd like I often say "he'd be thrilled with a pound in a card". Is that grabby too?

Johnny5needsinput Sat 05-Oct-13 10:25:40

But Thereal. I give something my child has chosen. From my present box. So it might be a small toy. It might be colouring pencils, a book, but my child has picked it. There is thought and care and dare I say it, love in the gift from her.

How dare anyone diss that. How disrespectful. And nasty. And pure plain rude. Don't fucking bother with fuck all if you can't give money I'd rather just have a card seems to be a common attitude and it frankly disgusts me. An saddens me. And makes me realise the life I lived a lot of you on here will never comprehend.

DuchessFanny Sat 05-Oct-13 10:24:39

At our school it is very common for the parents of the children invited to a party to ' club together ' for one larger gift instead of lots of little ones HOWEVER an amount is never specified and if the child invited wants to choose and buy their own gift for their own friend that's absolutely fine too. It's always worked well, but then we've never had a crap accompanying poem and a specified, expected amount ...

alemci Sat 05-Oct-13 10:24:11

yes to me asking for money is vulgar and somehow mercenary unless someone asks first what dc would like or suggests it. would ds like a voucher from boy x for his birthday.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 05-Oct-13 10:22:23

I wont do cash or gift vouchers now by choice after reading on MN that parents often spend the money or vouchers within the household budget or on other sibling. Certainly never did it when asked for as its rude and grasping.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 05-Oct-13 10:22:05

I am surprised that it's so desirable to have or give a lot of shit that nobody wants.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 05-Oct-13 10:20:45

If you can't afford a gift just don't give one.
It's fine. I personally wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered.

EverybodysStressyEyed Sat 05-Oct-13 10:17:53

A gift is not to be expected. By asking for cash you are asking for a gift and specifying the form. I did that rude.

I still have about half of the presents ds received and will never use. I will probably give them to charity for Xmas presents. (I accept that I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to do this and not regift). This year I am tempted to ask for no presents but actually ds get a lot of pleasure from seeing what his friends have given him and he also enjoys giving them a gift.

Maybe it is an age thing though - ds is still quite small and has only been going to parties for a couple of years

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