SM cut my childs hair - AIBU?

(107 Posts)
nicknamegame Mon 30-Sep-13 19:04:59

I can't tell if I am or not.

Right now I feel like sobbing and have a lump in my throat. My dd can tell something is up and I'm annoyed at myself for not being better at hiding it from her. She thinks its lovely - and I've told her I think it is too, but in my initial shock, I asked her why her dad and sm hadn't told me they were going to do it - something that is beyond a 6yold and not her problem. I feel bad about that:/

It was long, (not hugely) and now it's shoulder length. SM did it at home. Things are very bad between us for loads of reasons (one being over-stepping of boundaries in my opinion). I spoke to dd last night while she was at her dads and she didn't mention it. I asked her today why she hadnt told me on the phone and she said her dad told her not to tell me. I am desperately sad that my child is being made to do such things. Not the life I had planned for her at all.

That aside, aibu? Do I say nothing? To be fair, I've cut dd's hair in the past without 'permission' per se, but did text beforehand to mention it and send photos of finished version. I found out when I picked her up from school.

SM makes a point of giving dd instructions that she must follow in my home - to the point that dd defers to her knowledge an awful lot. I feel dd no longer trusts me to parent her. (Think giving me instructions not to wash xyz piece of clothing as SM knows how to do it mummy and you dont)

I always ALWAYS let these things go as I don't want to mess my child's head up- but I honestly feel like my child sees SM as the one who she has to listen to. I don't know what to do. confused

ballstoit Mon 30-Sep-13 23:38:57

dd not dad...thanks auto correct

nicknamegame Mon 30-Sep-13 23:51:09

Love MN, thank you all so much. Gonna do some love bombing on ddgrin

pigletmania Tue 01-Oct-13 00:04:48

Yes no contact, if you have to through ex and not sm, whatever she thinks she is not dd parent. There are some good suggestions of how to talk to dd with regards to sm, you are dd mum nt her!

pigletmania Tue 01-Oct-13 00:07:17

There is no reason why she turners up at your dd events, it should be her dad! And arranges playdates with your friends shock. Tell your friends to not talk to her, and that they should contact you to arrange your dd playdates

pigletmania Tue 01-Oct-13 08:15:19

This woman sounds pretty toxic, is everything a good step parent is not! She is nt the girls mother, op is, dd only has one mum, op! She is undermiming op, and chipping away at her confidence. She is also gas lighting dd, messing with her head so tat she doubts her own mother. I believe all this is probably in aid of getting full custody of dd, which is nt working thank goodness. As little contact as possible, only with te girls father, teir is no need to seak to stepmother. And a whatever approach to stepmother is needed

springybuffy Tue 01-Oct-13 22:27:17

Hear me right when I say this: I'm glad you're scared. imo you have something to be 'scared' about. This woman is stealing your daughter from right under your nose.

I hate to say this but I have the t-shirt on this. I also thought time would tell, that she couldn't do much damage in 4 hours every fortnight. Sadly, I was wrong. As I said above, please move quickly on this. Don't think anything is too petty - it is all very damaging. She is making her intentions crystal clear. yy ex is very probably feeding her a truckload of bullshit about you [also getting her to do his dirty work so his hands look clean - a favourite tactic of an abuser] but that's besides the point - she is carrying it out to the letter - and how angry

Move quickly OP. This is very damaging for your daughter as well as for you, of course. Nothing is too petty - get moving!

springybuffy Tue 01-Oct-13 22:29:28

(It was my complacency that had me standing back, not wanting to make waves for the kids, trying to keep the peace - which gave her all the space to march in and take what she wanted. She made it so clear what she wanted but it was so outlandish I didn't take her seriously. I wish I had gone to war when I could.)

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