To think using donor eggs is selfish

(158 Posts)
Dilemma81 Mon 30-Sep-13 10:28:25

I have had multiple miscarriages. I have been trying for a baby for over 5 years and the last ivf round has now failed. Although i’m in my early 30s, using an egg donor has been mentioned several times now because it seems my eggs are not good quality. Whilst I wouldn’t ever judge other people’s choices for using an egg donor, I have been up all night wondering about the ethics of going down this route for us. I don’t have religious beliefs so that’s not my problem. But is it selfish to go down this route? If I think about the child, how would they feel when they are a certain age to learn that I’m not their biological mother? Part of them would surely be missing and they surely would be wondering who they are. On the other hand, I’m desperate for my husband to be a dad and I know he would be up for the idea of donor eggs. But again, I keep thinking that nature is telling us something and perhaps it is wrong to try and defy it. Very interested to hear what people think.

cingolimama Sun 19-Jan-14 14:29:43

Can I just clarify that women who conceive with donor eggs ARE THE BIOLOGICAL MOTHERS of the child. They are not the genetic mothers.

Also, can we have done on this and other threads from posters who say "oh, I could never (shudder) do IVF or use donor egg" followed closely by "of course, I never had any problems conceiving". Really you know nothing.

OP I'm so sorry you're having difficulties and I forgive your silly thread title. It's a tough road ahead, whatever you decide. However, could I offer one piece of advice: Yes it's going to be difficult. But keep your eyes on the prize. Imagine a child in your arms, to love and cherish. Keep that image in your head and heart and it may give you courage.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Coumarin Sun 19-Jan-14 14:44:25

I want to applaud your second paragraph Cingo

cingolimama Sun 19-Jan-14 14:48:23

thanks Cou!

Caitlin17 Sun 19-Jan-14 14:52:21

I don't think it's selfish. The donor made her own decisions.

I'll probably get flamed for this however but as you will carry the child, the birth certificate will show the 2 of you as parents, the 2 of you are bringing the child up, the donor mother will have no involvement why is there a need to even tell?

(In saying that I'm assuming the egg is provided by an anonymous donor rather than a friend or family member)

I'm not convinced by all this " have to know about my DNA" stuff and I say that as someone who doesn't know and doesn't care.

SuperScrimper Sun 19-Jan-14 15:08:06

I think it's utterly immoral to hide their genetic history from a child. What of one day they need a transplant or happen to over hear something. It is disgusting that in this day and age people think it's ok to hide something like that from a child.

I found out my DM was adopted as an adult and I can tell you it has ruined my relationship with her. She let me go for genetic testing for breast cancer as my DGM had suffered from it, knowing perfectly well that I wasn't actually related to her.

Lies and secrets always out. What is just accepted by a child is a horrible shock for a person in their 20's.

wishful75 Sun 19-Jan-14 15:30:25

yes that's correct, the birth mother is indeed the biological mother.

With the advance of science in this area its becoming increasingly understood that epigenetics (how genes are expressed etc..) and the environment the baby grows in play an extremely significant role in the creation of the baby so its fair to say that the contribution of the birth mother and her biology play a greater role in influencing the outcome than either of the genetic parents. In that sense the recipient of an egg donation is more the actual parent!

wishful75 Sun 19-Jan-14 15:36:10

So you are being unreasonable as you would be the biological mother and you would be underestimating the biological influence you would have on the child.

I never buy the nature argument because we dont apply it to medical intervention with regard to illness.

Terez4za Sun 29-May-16 22:22:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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