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To say no.

(103 Posts)
tillyo Sun 29-Sep-13 22:44:58

Long story cut short! My little one is not mine by birth but my brothers and his girlfriend. They are both alcoholics and into drugs. They always used to argue in front of her and she'll tell us how daddy hit mummy and mummy would smash bottles over daddy's head. It come to a final point when 2 Christmas a go on Christmas morning 5 blokes smashed down their front door and beat the shit out of my brother before nicking anything worth anything. Of course the police was called by neighbours and she was taken into care that day. After a few weeks both parents was taken in to prison for various things and they asked me and hubby to be legal guardians for her. Of course we said yes and ss agreed. They don't contact her as they know it will upset her but send birthday Christmas cards but never to daughter. They always say she will have better life with us as they can't guarantee they will say sober or not do drugs for more then a day. Little one has recently been asking questions and I've explained that mummy and daddy are not well so she will carry on living with us. Today she asked if it will be forever I said yes it could be possible (it's very likely) she then said can she call me mummy then. It broke my heart to say no she then started to cry saying she wants a mummy everyone in school calls the people who look after her mummy so why is she different. She's just woke up coughing when I said night to her after she said night mummy. Am I wrong to say no? It breaks my heart she just wants to be normal. She's 5 by the way x

KatOD Sun 29-Sep-13 22:48:46

I'm so sorry, what a tough situation. I don't have an answer for you as it's hard to know what the right answer is but didn't want to read and run.

Tbh, maybe just let her do what she feels most comfortable with, sounds like she's had enough upset in her life already and you're clearly taking on the role of her Mummy. Also avoids school friends asking awkward questions in the future that she may not want to answer.

tillyo Sun 29-Sep-13 22:52:50

I think this May have trigger it she's just started year 1 and think kids start asking questions at this age. I would love her to call me mummy and did think today they have signed all rights over to me so why shouldn't she but then I know even thou her mum done that she still has feelings.

Sounds tough and I feel for you - can't you be her second mummy explain to her you can be her second mummy but she must always remember her real mummy - that way she can be proud she has two mummies? A bit like adoption really the adopted child still calls the parents mum and dad .... and as you say its likely she will stay long term so why not I don't see the harm in it as long as she knows that you aren't her birth mum if you see what i mean. It also sounds like she wants to be normal like other kids especially since all she has seen....

CocacolaMum Sun 29-Sep-13 22:53:29

I am so sorry, what an awful position you are in. Not the same thing but my Grandad died when I was younger and the man my Gran went on to marry is a wonderful man but my mum was always adamant that we shouldn't ever call him Grandad. We all call him Pops and although its just a name, we all know it conveys love and respect - is there a mum alternative she could use?

CatelynStark Sun 29-Sep-13 22:55:39

How about she calls you Mummy Tillyo? Could that be a compromise?
Poor little dot.

FrigginRexManningDay Sun 29-Sep-13 22:57:14

Oh the poor little thing,its great she has you and your dh. She just wants to be 'normal'.

Could she maybe call you mummy [first name]? That way its still acknowledged that you are not her birth mum but you do the things a parent should do and she gets a sense of stability in her life.

zippey Sun 29-Sep-13 22:57:28

Im sure someone here will offer better advice, but why not let her know the situation (that her real mummy is unwell and she may see her in the future) and that if she still wants, she can call you mummy.

I can see it from your point of view - that you want to be truthful and not give her false hope which may rebound on you in the future. But I would be inclined to change my mind and let her choose if she wants to call you mummy. It will be a hole which is missing, and it may be a positive thing in her life.

However, as I said, my advice is amateur and there may be better arguments as to why calling you mummy is innapropriate.

Are you uncomfortable with her calling you mum?

And I agree, its a shame, poor thing. Im glad that she had someone like you to look after her.

squeakytoy Sun 29-Sep-13 22:57:59

you are her mummy now.. if she wants to call you that, then let her

BillyBanter Sun 29-Sep-13 22:58:41

I would let her. There is no sign on the horizon of the situation changing. If it does you can think about how to deal with that then.

CocacolaMum Sun 29-Sep-13 23:00:08

I am thinking about it and actually, she is 5. I love that you are trying to do right by everyone but this needs to be crystal clear to the little one that she is safe, secure and loved and if that means calling you Mummy and your SIL "bioMum" then that's what is right and fair.

You said they have signed her over to you so be Mum, from what you have said about the way you have been putting everyone you love first it sounds like you have earned the title (at the very least)

Canthisonebeused Sun 29-Sep-13 23:00:17

What a terrible quandary for you.

I would allow her to call you mummy if she wants to. She has an explanation of the situation and so you have done the right thing there. But calling you mummy will help her feel she belongs. This doesn't take away the fact she has another set of parents.
It doesn't take anything away from her other mummy. But it gives your dd a sense of having a normal family like her friends.

Unless there are no legal blocks to this, then let her do it. X

FreeAtLastAtLongLast Sun 29-Sep-13 23:00:42

What lovely parents you are to her smile

I think your girls feeling trump those of her original parents by a long way though. She now knows that you're not her biological mum, so she's not being deceived at all

tillyo Sun 29-Sep-13 23:01:09

That might work I will get done yummy treats in for tea tomorrow and have a good chat with her, try and figure out what has started all this and suggest calling me mummy Tilly. Just thought maybe I should go and see her mum ( she's currently back in prison) and see if she feels comfortable with her daughter calling me mummy. Th

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Preciousbane Sun 29-Sep-13 23:01:45

You sound absolutely lovely op and are obviously desperate to do the right thing and probably very sensitive regarding it due to your little ones difficult start in life.

I personally think it is fine for your DN to call you Mummy, you love, nurture and cherish her as well as do the practical stuff. You are her Mummy in every way apart from biologically. She knows her biological Mum and it is not like your trying to hide that. I think telling her she has two Mummies as suggested up thread is a good way to move forward.

tillyo Sun 29-Sep-13 23:01:55

Sorry posted too soon. Think that might make me feel different if she gives me her blessing x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My wee eyes have teared up, poor wee love she is sad In your shoes I'd remind her she has a bm but seeing as she will be with you for some time if she is sure she wants to call you mummy she can. It totally depends on your comfort with being called it I suppose.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Sun 29-Sep-13 23:02:44

I'm no expert but I would say that in this case the feelings of the child usurp the need not to upset the BM. If she wants to call you that I honestly don't see the harm as long as you've explained the mechanics of the situation to her. If she still wants to call you that then let her, the very fact that you are concerned enough to ask about it suggest to me that you deserve it.

Tommychoochoo Sun 29-Sep-13 23:02:48

I have 2 mums, my natural mother and my mum who raised me. I asked at the age of 4 could I call my new mum mummy because I wanted to be like everyone else at school (early 80's and everyone else had a mum and dad at school). I think you should let her call you mummy, it it's what she wants. I call them both mum and it's not as complicated as it sounds. You sound like a wonderful person and she is very lucky to have you .

Canthisonebeused Sun 29-Sep-13 23:03:43

I really wouldn't ask her mum, it's a decision that the girl has made, it would be a shame if she put some blocks to this. You could tell her what has eve loved in a very kind and compassionate way, but I think it would be very difficult for your dd digest that if her mother says it can't happen.

auntmargaret Sun 29-Sep-13 23:05:16

To be honest, I'd let her call you mummy and be honoured that she wants to. Your brother's GF can be "Mummy- first name". So long as she knows the facts, and she does, Let her do whatever is comfortable. You are the mum here. What does she call your DH?

ZillionChocolate Sun 29-Sep-13 23:05:17

Might be worth asking SS for some advice/life story work. I don't think you should stop her from calling you mummy if that's what she wants, as long as you continue to refer to her other mummy so that she's not confused. I think that Mummy Tillyo is a good compromise.

Clobbered Sun 29-Sep-13 23:06:28

Let her call you Mummy if she wants to, that's who you are to her. It would be completely different if the impetus was coming from you, but it's not, and that's the important difference.

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