My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD(510 Posts)
Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.
I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.
Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.
So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.
Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'
So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.
I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.
Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.
They came back with the following responses:
"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."
My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."
"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."
"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."
"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."
"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."
"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."
This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.
I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.
I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.
I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.
Does she have anxiety problems?
I think you are the unreasonable one here. Sorry.
Oh dear. Does your dd normally need to be prepared to go to new places, and do your friends know this? I think it was all fine until you started countering their suggestions. Once you get one push back, I would have either chosen to go with their plans or not to go.
christ on a bike!!! so much organising! ye are all bu.
Does she have issues with anxiety or new situations or something? I think YABU otherwise.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think you have over prepared her and you're being unreasonable.
I have never been to a Chinese restaurant any where in the UK that didn't have some form of UK food on the menu.
I don't think it's your daughter who is anxious. I think it's you.
Why did you have to go into it all so much beforehand with your dd? That wouldn't have occurred to me
Is your DD unusually anxious about new places? That sounds like an awful lot of preparation for one restaurant meal. We've never done anything other than just turn up and order...
They may be a bit unreasonable about changing plans at the last minute too - but rather than spending time on composing a big email why didn't you just chip in as soon as it was mentioned?
I feel your pain. My DD at that age loved Italian food but would not touch Chinese. At age 15 she only just tolerates some chow mien.
Your friends are adults and should be able to show some understanding regarding your situation. It won't kill your friend to eat Italian two nights in a row. Most Italians do more than pizza and pasta anyway.
If i was you i would e mail and say that whatever they decide you are taking your DD to the Italian as promised. If they want to join you that will be fantastic but if they want to go to the Chinese you will understand.
Jeez so much stress on a 5 yo for going out for tea, you seem very controlling of both your dd and your friends for something that should just be relaxed fun.
Dd has autism and gets incredibly anxious. So unfortunately i do have to be very organised in preparing her when it comes to visiting new places. My friends know this because i've told them, but as we don't see them that often, they've not really seen her in an 'anxious state' before, as they normally come to my house to visit.
I just feel horrible like they think i'm having a tantrum just to get my own way.
I think the problem was that you went to all this trouble preparing her, choosing her meal and showing her photos of the restaurant interior etc. Like your friends, I find that a bit OTT. I understand why you did it but it is what has made you so inflexible.
Can't change it now though, just leave it as it is.
I don't think either you or your friends are being unreasonable. DS is quite a fussy eater and I'd not like to take him somewhere where there isn't much he can eat. however if your friends don't have children then they won't understand it.
I'd go along to the Italian now it has been agreed, but going forward stick to your initial gut instinct and get a babysitter, that way you are all free to eat where you want and have adult conversation.
If she's five then I think she will be able to cope with a change just fine - or at least, she should be able to. Just make sure you big up the Chinese restaurant, tell her how exciting it will be to use chopsticks, etc etc.
YABU in my opinion.
Your friends are being much more accommodating than most.
The world does not revolve around your child and quite frankly unless there is a particular reason why your dd needs all the extra support and effort you have been providing her with, then I think your behavior is extreme.
YABU your dd might love Chinese - if i was one of your friends i would think you were being precious.
ok I see well if she needs the preparation, there is really nothing you can do about it
Oh sorry - just saw your post about your DD having autism. I think your initial plan for a babysitter might be the way forward.
Whilst it's annoying to have your plans changed at short notice, what's with the preparation and briefing that your poor child has to be put through?
YABU on more than one level. If you hadn't worked your dd up beforehand, then the restaurant change wouldn't have mattered. The fact that you feel you need to do this says you are not comfortable with taking your daughter out, and should maybe be looking at your own anxiety, which screams out of your post. Your friends are now all saying fuxache, a 5 yr old's needs eh? Your reasonings sound almost unhinged.
I'm sorry to be blunt. You clearly have anxiety issues, and I don't mean to be nasty, but I think you perhaps need to talk to someone.
None of this "guilt" you feel need ever have happened. She'd have eaten something, when she got hungry. And if she didn't, well, no child ever died dead for skipping a meal.
It all sounds very tense and high pressured and anxiety inducing tbh. That's completely understandable if your DD has some sort of anxiety issue, but if not why would she need so much preparation to go to a restaurant? I'm bemused by that part of tr post and your assertion to your friends that all the "work" you'd put in would be to waste. Eh?
I think you should have gone to the Chinese, the majority wanted to after all. She could have tried some plain rice, picked little bits off your plate. Des being bright and breezy with her about plan changes not work? Perhaps if you don't invest so much in each plan it wouldn't be such a big deal should it change?
Although it was initially agreed that you'd do Italian, the fact that the majority now want to do something else does change the picture. What was dd going to eat at the Italian? Surely noodles are just pasta?
I can see your POV but you're still being a bit U.
However, does your dd have SN? Just wondered in reference to the preparation.
Why didn't you mention the incredibly relevant bit of info that she has autism in your op?
Does your dd have any sn which makes the preparation essential if so then I do understand and sympathise but if not then yabu.
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