AIBU to not disclose my sexual history?

(135 Posts)
fll28 Fri 27-Sep-13 06:12:23

I have never told my DH how many other people there were before him. He has asked a few times but I usually fob him off. AIBU? Have you shared all with your partner?

Rhythmisadancer Sun 29-Sep-13 22:21:44

Honey, I picked you out of thousands, you're the best

jasminerose Sun 29-Sep-13 07:38:42

I dont care if I know them I have met people hes shagged, hes good friends now with people Ive shagged. We both know each others numbers, we have even discussed who was good who was shit. I think it depends how secure you are in yourself.

mydoorisalwaysopen Sun 29-Sep-13 07:36:34

My husband wouldn't tell me his tally - I suspect he can't remember. When I did accidentally discover he had slept with quite a few people we used to socialize with it made me feel different about spending time with those people. If there are particular people you wouldn't want him to know about or you suspect your tally would disturb him, i'd say carry on being vague. The important thing is being faithful to each other and not putting each other at risk.

jasminerose Sun 29-Sep-13 07:22:17

My husband knows, but he knows everything about me as we are very close.

fll28 Sun 29-Sep-13 07:19:07

Pendeen - I dont want to raise the subject with him but you are right if or when he asks again I should ask him why he wants to know. As I said before I think it is just curiosity.

Pendeen Sat 28-Sep-13 23:39:45

The fundamental question is still unanswered. Why does he want to know?

Various contributors assuming a reason and others dismissing his curiosity as not relevant or not acceptable are all missing the essential point here.

As I said earlier, for several reasons this thread is depressing but also surprising, some of you do have the most odd ideas.

OP, dare you ask him to explain why he wants to know?

Thants Sat 28-Sep-13 22:16:37

I don't think you have to tell him but I don't understand why you wouldn't. It's a part of you and your history so most partners would want to know everything about you sexual or on general. Has he told you?

EBearhug Sat 28-Sep-13 22:12:17

I wouldn't be bothered about the numbers - I'm in my 40s, and I expect most people to have some history by now (though I do know some who haven't.) I would want to have some idea of their views on sexuality, how they feel about about porn and so on. They'd also need to be okay with the idea that some of the men I've been with are still in my life - one of my closest friends was my first boyfriend for some years till my mid-20s, for example, and I have past sexual history with another couple of friends. But it's also past history, not current.

I would want to know that they'd had STI tests before we were together, but you don't have to have slept with 100 different people to pick up an infection, so the numbers aren't actually relevant.

It's an odd question to ask at any time, but especially after 5 years together. Why does it matter to him now?

fll28 Sat 28-Sep-13 21:11:35

MrsKoala - we have been together over 5 years. Not sure why he is asking. I did say in one of my replies that he has asked probably 3 times in 5 years. To be fair it tends to be in reaction to something - one of the times was when we watched the film 'whats your number' for example.

Yes our numbers are dradtically different. His is single figures I know that.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 28-Sep-13 15:51:29

I know my husband's magic number and he knows mine, what's the problem? We probably talked about it very early in our relationship and it would have just come up in conversation. Humans are just curious creatures, nothing wrong with that.

It is just sex, asking how many people you have slept with, not how many people you have murdered grin. I don't see what the issue is to be honest.

festered Sat 28-Sep-13 14:31:03

Me and mine know everything about one another's sexual history, and enjoy exchanging tales about it.

He has slept with hundreds of women before me, unlike me who's pretty virginal in comparison. We laugh about it.

Each to their own-if you can build a good relationship without disclosing your past then kudos . I couldn't , though. I like my partner to know me inside out (literally!) lol.

As for STIs, well as unsexy as it may be, go for tests before you sleep together unless you're 100% sure about one another. And remember that it only takes one partner to catch something , with some STIs you'd be in the minority to not have as opposed to having them.

Lazyjaney Sat 28-Sep-13 09:37:53

YANBU, but its also NBU to not want a relationship with someone who avoided the subject.

DropYourSword Sat 28-Sep-13 07:09:53

I think it's totally irrelevant. Me and DH don't know eachother's numbers. It's all in the past, can't be undone, and makes you the person you are today.

MrsKoala Sat 28-Sep-13 06:53:33

I think if its an issue for someone they ask before you are married/have been together long. People i know who it bothers ask very early on - which is handy because it means you can fuck them off before wasting any more time. I would be surprised now if dh asked after 4 years and a child together. I wonder where the relevance of the question came from? Sorry if i missed it OP but how long have you been together? why do you think this is relevant to your DH now? What's his number? is yours vastly different?

Personally DH and i know ballpark numbers. But only because he was showing off one night by teasingly telling me what a prolific swordsman he had been. I guffawed (sexily of course) and informed him his number was about a third of mine. That took the wind out of his sails - but only in a fun way. I would find it hard to be with someone who would judge anyone on something as arbitrary as this. Also the fact that we met in a pub and had sex 5 times before we even really knew each others names means he would be a massive hypocrite, and i fucking hate those.

Apparently my Dad asked my Mum when they first met and she said none of your fucking business. Which was quite wise really, because he was the type of nob who made her burn all her photos of life before him - despite him having been married and had a baby.

fll28 Sat 28-Sep-13 05:53:42

Phantom:

No we normally are ok talking about what we like. He knows what is on and off the table

fll28 Sat 28-Sep-13 05:51:19

Complexnumber:

lol ok I will tell you.

1, 7, 16, 27, 38, 50 something, 70 something, 100, 2000

There you go it is one of them.

I am not falling for your tricks lol

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 19:05:08

If anybody asked me,I would very politely tell them that I have a right to privacy as do they and that personal situations before I met them are not open to conversation.

They can infer from that anything they want fwiw they would more than likely be wrong.

If you really would have no concerns then its not something you need to know.

Health wise you could have sex with one person who has say 7 sexual transmitted infections and not have had sex with anybody else ever or you could have sex with 237 people with no sti's.the person who only had sex with one person is more likely to have an infection.

Just get checked before you go unprotected.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 19:01:05

Look at the totally pointless arguments and bad feeling this can cause....for what ? confused

soontobeburns Fri 27-Sep-13 18:53:14

I just wouldn't lie. When me and my OH exchanged nunbers he upped his amount. He also when during conversations talked about sex he had etc.

It waa only after a year I realised the number and his exploits where made up as he was embrassed by his low number and me having a higher one.

It made me feel like he couldnt trust me and like I didn't know him when I found this out and made a bigger issue out of it, than if he just had admitted 2 as his number.

So yes dont tell him if you dont want to but just don't lie about the number if you do decide to tell him.

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 27-Sep-13 18:36:18

YANBU, I've told my husband the rough figure (lost count) and he told me, there was no pressure on either side and there should be no pressure to disclose anything about your history pre DH unless it would negatively effect him.

PunkHedgehog Fri 27-Sep-13 18:33:15

"how can you fully, properly, feel you can "100% trust" someone who is wilfully withholding something from you"

Do you tell your partner absolutely everything - the colour of your snot each time you blow your nose, how many times you wet yourself when you were five, the number of postboxes you walked past in 1996? There are plenty of things that people 'withhold' from each other - not because of shame, not because it's wrong, simply because it's not relevant.

"take the countless threads of late about wives being suspicious of a DH/DPs texting or emailing"

Doing something in a relationship is not the same as doing something before a relationship. This should not be a difficult concept to grasp.

As for the health argument, 'how many?' is a useless question for that. You could have slept with 500 perfectly healthy people, or with only 1 who had every disease known to modern medicine and a few they've not discovered yet. If you want to know for health reasons then the only relevant numbers are 0 and not0 - and even then quite a few 'sexually' transmitted diseases (HPV, HIV, hepatitis etc) can also be caught in other ways.

And finally the 'it makes me feel ill therefore it's wrong' idea - plenty of things make me feel ill: the squeak of polystyrene and the idea of sticking my hand in other people's mouths for a living, for example. It doesn't mean that dentists and people who design, manufacture and assemble the packaging for televisions are all morally bankrupt.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 18:30:43

Phantom, go read the thread in relationships entitled "need some serious advice" and come back and tell us if anyone has the "right" to insist on knowing someone's sexual history

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 18:25:04

Phantom, you are not comparing like with like

Having the right to know what is happening in a current relationship, right now, is very different to insisting you need to know the details of stuff that happened before you even met someone

Crowler Fri 27-Sep-13 17:51:38

I met my husband about 13 years ago. He was very serious about me, a bit more possessive & jealous than my previous boyfriend (I really liked that) and wanted to know my number. I pulled a number out of thin air, halved it, and presented it to him.

In the years interceding, I've become far more of an ardent feminist, more comfortable in my own skin, and today I would tell a man to fuck off (in so many words) if he asked me this. However, the die is cast and I must stand by my number where my husband is concerned. Not that it really matters anymore.

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