AIBU to not disclose my sexual history?

(135 Posts)
fll28 Fri 27-Sep-13 06:12:23

I have never told my DH how many other people there were before him. He has asked a few times but I usually fob him off. AIBU? Have you shared all with your partner?

Idespair Fri 27-Sep-13 09:23:14

I think yabu because it's relevant to his health as well if any of the previous stuff was unprotected.

Wallison Fri 27-Sep-13 09:24:54

It's up to you what you tell anybody about yourself, and that includes those closest to you, particularly when it comes to information that has no bearing on your life as it is now whatsoever.

And I thought that we had gone beyond thinking of sexual behaviour in 'moral' terms. hmm Surely whether or not an act is moral would depend on if you deliberately hurt someone as a result of your sexual activity - for eg if you slept with someone who was married, or treated a sexual partner cruelly etc? Because I don't think that sex itself is either a moral or an immoral act.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 09:33:47

IME

The type of person who asks,is the type who will make any answer an issue.

Yorkieaddict Fri 27-Sep-13 09:38:17

YANBU. I don't think DH and I have ever discussed this, and we've been happily married 10 years. I have never actually counted how many are in my past, so I don't even know exactly, although it isn't a huge number. Likewise, I know about all of DH's significant relationships before me, but I am sure he will have slept with other people, I feel no desire to know the exact numbers or any details.

Sallyingforth Fri 27-Sep-13 09:39:05

One reason for asking how many previous partners they have had is to give you some idea of the future of this relationship. If you are hoping it to be for life you may wonder if someone with many previous is actually able to make you their last.

MutantAndProud Fri 27-Sep-13 09:41:13

Ummm I think YABU. I wouldn't want to know the gory details but I think knowing the basics about a partner's sexual and romantic history is important. I also think it is important to have a full STI screening before starting each new sexual relationship but I know others will think that takes the passion and spontaneity out of it.

higgle Fri 27-Sep-13 09:48:35

I slept with a large number of people before I married DH (and my morals are quite OK , thank you) I have discussed the general details with DH, as indeed he did with me. I can't think why it should be a taboo subject. I don't however like the idea of anyone demanding this information so OP is not being unreasonable.

shewhowines Fri 27-Sep-13 09:49:16

Surely most people don't ask with ulterior motives sock . Isn't it just part of the general finding out about each other, type conversations, you have when things are getting serious.

I wouldn't worry about the number of previous partners per se, but if it was a huge quantity, I would probably like the option of HIV/std testing for both of us to
a. put my mind at rest
b. catch it early for treatment
c. minimise the risk of passing it on (not just sexually with hiv)

I'm not saying I would actually take the tests, but I would like the option. If someone is not honest, that choice is taken from me to protect my own health.

shewhowines Fri 27-Sep-13 09:52:04

Good point sally . i think that is probably a better reason than health.

TBH when I've had that conversation in the past i think it was just general nosyness and finding out about each other. I'm not sure even if I have asked the question or partners have asked me. It was a non event, just general chit chat.

It depends on your age and circumstances, as well, though.

I was happily with my, now deceased DH, for 22 years, from a young age. After his death I didn't want a relationship and slept with lots of men, none of which I regret. They weren't taken home when my children were there and no harm was done, it fulfilled a need in me.

That was 7 years ago, I have had a relationship since then, so there is no "risk" from me having numerous sexual partners, or "not making someone my last".

My DH died young from an unexpected cancer, just because you think you are set for life in a relationship, doesn't mean you are and I found my sex drive went through the roof in my 30's.

"Morals" are about how you conduct your day to day life, not how many people you are having sex with, if no-one is harmed etc. I see much more damage done to children when parents think they have to be in relationships and stay in them, because they don't want to be alone, when in essence they are " on their own" they just have the same person asleep next to them every night.

It's not a taboo subject but I would find it weird to add up previous partners (full sex? Oral?) just to satisfy what? Partners curiosity.
Do you also discuss orgasms, who had a massive cock, who you said I love you to and who you didn't....?

Also it is being found that in some people some strains of HIV ( I work with people who are +) take upto three years to show up.

The least time you need to be sure is six months, but that may not be long enough.

gamerchick Fri 27-Sep-13 10:04:00

I thought it was common practise to both go for full sti screening somewhere at the start of a relation. Then the past wouldn't matter surely?

Some men don't take it well if you've slept with more than they have. I don't doubt that it bothers some woman as well. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

DownstairsMixUp Fri 27-Sep-13 10:04:52

It's up to both partners I think so I don't think you are being unreasonable. Some people wouldn't want to be with someone that had slept with 100's of people and if they don't want to, that's fair enough and it's really not our place to judge them (btw, i am not that person, i actually have a higher number than "average" number of partners but if someone didn't want to be with me because of that, i'd also be fine) I know my partner's number and he knows mine just as we have had random drunken chats about our pasts and it came up, it just doesn't bother me? If you are both happy not disclosing this fine I would say, same as if you did both want to know. Guess it's a bit tricky as he wants to know.

DownstairsMixUp Fri 27-Sep-13 10:09:48

I disagree sock like I said I'm on the opposite side of this in that I have a "high" number of partners but if something like how many people someone has been with bothers you, then you should really ask early on and cut off while it's still early. I was honest with my OH and he wasn't bothered but one guy I was seeing just actually dumped me and said I obviously had "issues" hmm so in my eyes, I'm glad he knew or I could of ended up with him for a while and no doubt, it would of come up later on and would of caused issues when I was more "involved!"

If he is so keen on honesty/invading your privacy, I would tell him EVERYTHING.

That would shut him up.

amber381 Fri 27-Sep-13 10:17:32

I think this is one of those things that seems of great importance when you are very young and inexperienced and then becomes less so as you get older. I have never asked DH, doubt I ever would. I don't think it in any way reflects the future of your relationship- in fact if someone had only slept with a couple of people I would think it was more likely they would seek more excitement later on and be less likely to stick with one partner forever, if you have already got it out of your system then you are less likely to be curious about what's out there.

As for STIs, it doesn't matter how many people you have been with, it's always best to get checked out when starting a relationship where you will have unprotected sex. My friend got one from the second guy she ever slept with.

"Some men don't take it well if you've slept with more than them".

I would of hoped that this sort of shit about how females should control their sexual urges, unlike men (and those with that sort of attitude are usually the one's who are rape apologist, as well as sexists) had gone.

I grew up with those attitudes, they certainly don't do society any good.

If quantity is the issue and not circumstances, then I would question that persons "moral code" and way of thinking.

MaddAddam Fri 27-Sep-13 10:25:11

I would like a rough idea, for a long term partner of mine, just out of nosiness. I don't really want to be with someone who wants to be private about such things. I don't mind if people have had one previous partner or 100, separately or in groups, but to me a close relationship goes with intimacy and knowing such things.

pigletmania Fri 27-Sep-13 10:25:37

I would only if I had an std or HIV tan a potential sexual partner has a right to know

As you get to know someone, you learn that when he went to New York, he was with B, when he lived in London he was with c, he had a really difficult break up with D, he had a 'wild time' after D, the first girl he ever loved was e.

I've always worked out a rough ball park figure that everyone's happy with and I assume partners do the same. I agree with Amber, the wanting of numbers maybe is more important to younger people.

Dahlen Fri 27-Sep-13 10:43:43

Why does he want to know?

It's one thing to talk about past lovers and sexual experiences generally - almost in an abstract sense, and idle curiosity can also be a factor. Maybe if you're more experienced than him (or he suspects you are), he's feeling a bit insecure about his technique. Who knows? The point is that there should be no pressurising or moral judgement about it on either side.

bicyclefish Fri 27-Sep-13 10:48:05

OP. if the reason you are asking this is because there is a niggling doubt that there might be an 'issue' with one of your previous partners, then i would suggest you discreetly go to a doctor or clinic and get yourself a piece of mind all clear from them, then...well a little white lie to massage their ego really wouldn't hurt anyone and no-one need feel bad.
Your past is your past and was (hopefully) and enjoyable time without any ill effects, so no harm done...I would say many MANY people err on the side of caution wrt the number of sexual partners they have had when discussing it with their current OH.

GangstersLoveToDance Fri 27-Sep-13 11:19:32

I find it bizarre that you would refuse to discuss something like this. I can't imagine a serious relationship where you wouldn't. It's about trust IMO.

I also find it weird how many women seem to think it's some sort of badge of honour to bandy about how high their number is and how many randoms they've shagged for fun. Sex is such an intimate thing (and I mean physically, not in the lovey-dovey sense). I am by no means a prude but the thought of shagging about so much you can't even remember names or numbers makes me feel a bit Ill. have a small amount of respect for you body for goodness sake and buy yourself a decent shower head if you're that desperate. It may be your body but there's no pride to be found in sharing it with everyone.

waterlego Fri 27-Sep-13 11:27:59

Gosh Gangsters, that's very judgey. Just because it makes you feel ill, doesn't mean other people should stop doing it and just buy a decent shower head. FWIW, I am not one of 'those' people you speak of, but I find it strange that some people can be so judgemental about others' sex lives. It's baffling. confused

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