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AIBU to not disclose my sexual history?

(135 Posts)
fll28 Fri 27-Sep-13 06:12:23

I have never told my DH how many other people there were before him. He has asked a few times but I usually fob him off. AIBU? Have you shared all with your partner?

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 27-Sep-13 07:49:24

But shouldn't it be simpler than that. DH and I know of principal partners before we met. We met through mutual friends - we would both have known if either had had a reputation for being a bit free.

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 27-Sep-13 07:49:57

YANBU, it is none of his business.

doorchairsettee, why do morals come into the OP's question at all?

OP hasnt mentioned what her previous history is just that she doesnt want to discuss it with her DH.

doorchairsettee Fri 27-Sep-13 07:50:31

Yes I am judgemental about lots of things this being the big one. There is no reason other than shame to keep this to yourself.

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:51:01

not everyone practices safe sex

Not even people with "enough morals" who have only slept with one or two people before.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 07:51:19

soup, OK I get what you're saying, I did not read that poster as being judgey about other peoples decisions, only having certain standards of their own, which does not = Victorian

just like my choices are my choices and I do not try to inflict them on everyone else, or think less of people who behave differently

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:51:52

There is no reason other than shame to keep this to yourself.

Or privacy. There's that one too.

Wishihadabs Fri 27-Sep-13 07:52:33

As someone else said there is no right answer. Men want a sexually experienced virgin ;)

Moxiegirl Fri 27-Sep-13 07:52:44

I can't imagine being in a long term relationship where I didn't feel comfortable talking about previous sexual history. Yes I do actually think it's relevant, I think most people would want to know if their partner had a habit of paying for sex with lots of women for example - even if it was before your relationship?

ILetHimKeep20Quid Fri 27-Sep-13 07:53:20

I'd be mythed if my dh refused to answer. He's your husband, your partner for life who you are to trust explicitly for the rest of your life. Why wouldn't you share?

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 27-Sep-13 07:54:07

I remember hearing that the 'correct' number to recognise is 3:

- the beast who took your virginity
- your first true love
- your current partner

Mind that was a good few years ago!

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:54:34

I don't care what other people choose to do wrt their sex life.
I do care when people start being snotty about others being immoral for making different choices. Currently it seems only doorchairsettee is making stupid judgemental comments. Clearly she is perfectly entitled to have her own moral code but it is not OK to judge others for living their lives differently.

Wishihadabs Fri 27-Sep-13 08:03:20

Ilet depends a bit. IME (more than 10, less than 20 if anyone cares) this question comes up at the beginning of a relationship, when you have every right to stay shtum. The whole situation of my DH (and only sexual partner) of the last 15 years interrogating me about my behavior in my early 20's would be deeply odd. What on earth would prompt him to ask ?

DP has asked me and my answer was 'enough'

I've never asked him but he's older than me and spent less time in LTR so assume it's much more.
I think the number is irrelevant anyway. And all this morals stuff is bollocks. For example, say I've slept with 10 men, all ones I know, some mates who became fuck buddies, others partners etc, then my friend has slept with 5, 1 LTR, 2 married men, her best mates fella, a ONS and her boss to get a promotion. If you ask how many we've slept with I look like the one with less morals, when technically my mate is on much shakier ground moral wise with the married blokes and the boss?

As for safe sex, again number is irrelevant. If you shag without protection it's a risk you take, regardless of if you only sleep with them once.

fluffyraggies Fri 27-Sep-13 08:19:28

It's a tricky one.

BUT - I keep thinking i can't imagine getting as far as marrying someone without having had that chat already. Rough idea of sexual history. Like the 'do you want kids or not' chat.

Right from the start DH and i chatted about our low points and high points in life so far. Our teens and 20's, and compared notes on what we did, what we were listening to, where we were and - therefore really - who we were dating/shagging/dumping/being dumped by at those times.

There were one or two things that we revealed to each other much later in our relationship. (a sad one from me, and a shock one from him) but the basics, ie: rough idea of numbers, were 'laid bare' from the beginning really.

tumbletumble Fri 27-Sep-13 08:27:54

Married, just because you met through friends and were already aware of each other's dating history doesn't mean that's the only way to meet someone! DH and I met at work.

Both me and DH know ballpark figures of each others. Both "immoral" kinds of figures too. Luckily we are both equally immoral and unashamed, so it works.

YANBU for not wanting to tell, but why don't you want to tell, are you worried your loving partner would think negatively? Because that would make them a bit of a twat.

Crowler Fri 27-Sep-13 08:50:57

Quite right, soupdragon. Sometimes I just like to say "lady". wink

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Sep-13 08:55:36

I have enough morals to have slept with a number of people, with emotions ranging from intense love to not giving a damn. But if I cook them breakfast the eggs are always organic and I do recycle.

YANBU. It's been a long time since a partner has even asked me.

geekgal Fri 27-Sep-13 08:55:42

Agree with Soupdragon, it's no one else's business, including your present partner. I think it's a shame if you think he would be really judgemental (I'm guessing that's why you don't want to say), no one should judge another person based on that!

BuskersCat Fri 27-Sep-13 08:58:33

yes I do think you should disclose it to your dp. I know how many he's been with, and him me.

Norfolknway Fri 27-Sep-13 09:02:03

No, we've been together 10 years and it has never come up.

I think it's best left alone - all mysterious and that wink

We've chatted about it, more from general chat than any need to know IYSWIM.

He's had a lot more than me but there's an age gap do I settled before him (with him, obviously!)

I don't think it's a conversation you have to have. It's really a private thing that shouldn't affect your relationship.

As for judging people about it? Why? Why is that something to judge?

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 27-Sep-13 09:08:21

I think its up to you, if you dont want to tell then dont.

Not sure of the exact number of women dp has slept with (not sure he is either) we know abit about each others past as weve known each other a long time and because we have had conversations about it.

shewhowines Fri 27-Sep-13 09:17:37

You don't have to tell him, you could even lie. But I want my relationships to be built on honesty. I wouldn't feel comfortable hiding anything from a long term partner. If its not something they want to hear then they shouldn't have asked. If they can't accept you for who you are, then they are not the right person in the first place.

Everybody has things in their past that they perhaps wouldn't repeat or regret/don't regret, that is different to what others would do. Your history(sexual or otherwise) is what makes you, you. I would feel uncomfortable presenting myself in any way but honestly.

But horses for courses. If neither of you has asked then fair enough you don't need to have the conversation. But he has asked...

absentmindeddooooodles Fri 27-Sep-13 09:17:42

Totally up to you. Dp amd I have talked about it all. His number is...lets say considerably higher than mine, and im glad I know tbh. Its in the past. We are both very open with things like that. Weve talked about rhings we have tried, liked, would never want to do again.
Personally its part of him and as we talk about everything else then why not that?
It really is down to the individual though. If you dont feel comfortable then fine. Dont say anything!

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