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More a wwyd on behalf of a male friend(27 Posts)
Male friend was in love with a girl who he thought wasn't interested in him for 5 years, right back when they were teenagers, she always gave him the brush off and acted uninterested, so he hit back by doing the same to her, however he thinks she always knew deep down he loved her. Two years ago he met a lovely girl who he formed a relationship with (no kids) and they're pretty happy together, not outrageously in love but muddling along just fine.
The girl has got in touch, seven years after they first had a quick fling and has admitted that she is in love with my friend, he is understandably a mess about this, part of him wants to give it a shot at true, true love with the woman he's always wanted, but part of him doesn't want to risk what he's got.
she sounds like a deliberate head fuck.
my dh had an ex who always made contact when she had broken up witg someone - she never botgered the rest of the time
he was and told her to do one.
as your friend should do
OK. For a start, your friend is NOT, repeat NOT, 'in love' with this past fling. At most, it's infatuation. It's all a bit drama-llama, looking back to when they were teenagers and the intense hormones-all-over-the-place emotions of that time. Pining after her for 5
fucking years after she ditched him - that's not love, just hurt pride driven by physical attraction. So much easier to tell yourself that it is unrequited love rather than she's just not that into you. So much easier. So much less challenging to your self-esteem.
As for her 'admission' that she's in love with him - <blows raspberry> - bollocks. Whatever relationship she is in just now, it's got problems and she wants to be adored by somebody, anybody; and she remembers your friend mooning over her and thought 'he'll do'
until I feel better about myself then I'll ditch him again.
Give your friend a good shake and tell him to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like the drooling sap out of the photo-stories in Jackie (or whatever teen magazines a 20-something would recognise).
the grass may be greener but it still needs to be mowed
Love this I'll be using that one in future i just know it!
When you are happily muddling along with someone it is difficult to remember that another person, especially a thunder-boltery type, comes with their own problems too. No relationship is perfect, even one that you've both been secretly longing for. And it isn't necessarily fair to compare a real relationship with its ups and downs to a fantasy one with the-one-who-got-away-and-then-came-back.
I also disagree with the idea that considering this means the existing relationship is over, of course one would consider this, it would be impossible to ignore a declaration of love from someone who you yearned for at a young age
They are all young, I don't think he should dick around his existing girlfriend but is he genuinely looking to be in a life relationship at this age? If not I think he should meet this woman and see how it goes after breaking up (as gently and nicely as possible) with the girlfriend.
But I heard a great expression the other day - the grass may be greener but it still needs to be mowed. Tis true.
I had a true love but we were never single at the same time. Just before my wedding to dh he said something to me.
Tbh I was furious. I've seen him lots since and we are friendly. Thing is that I've never regretted missing out on him iyswim. Not once.
I could never imagine loving him the way I love dh.
There is the possibility that she wasn't interested in him as a teenager, and she gave him the brush off because she knew how much he liked her and she wasn't ready for anything that intense. If they were still young, I don't think it's fair to assume that she was doing anything wrong before.
There is also the possibility that her own relationships aren't going that well so she wants to turn to someone that she knows will adore her.
He may as well give it a go. If he's not that into his current partner, it will end sooner or later anyway.
They are only in their 20's, they don't need to be worrying about life long commitments just yet.
She didn't want him then, she's playing with him now.
This ^ ^. I'd put money on it.
However - i think he should leave the woman hes with while he works this out.
There was a thread a few weeks ago by a poster from the prospective of the GF. ie: My BF has heard from an ex from his past and has admitted thinking he's tempted to meet up with her
I think 100% of posters said LTB ...
He should consider ending his current relationship regardless as it doesn't sound v good and like you say he's young with no commitments so not much incentive to make it work.
I think woman from the past will probably end in heartbreak but tbh that's what your early 20s are all about!
They are only young! Early twenties OP said, ie 21-24. 7 years ago puts them at 16/17. In your early twenties you should just go for it. Especially if the current relationship is just "muddling along". It may be the old flame is playing games - so what? THEY ARE IN THEIR EARLY 20s WITH NO COMMITMENTS! (Sorry for caps- cant do the bold thing) The young man should just take the plunge and see what happens. Way worse if he is just muddling along with this other girl and she gets pregnant accidentally and then two sort of happy people feel they have to stay together. He may get burned by the returning girl. He will still only end up being single in his twenties and he is a potential father/husband for a woman for, oooo, about another 30 years...?
Thats similar to how I was except the guy was the one who gave me the brush off after a fling and then 5 years later I was the one in a relationship.
5 years later on again and we've married and have DCs so if they are both sure and the current girlfriend is not the whole package then I'd go for it. As I did. Tell her straight though no OW business.
If he's not in love with his gf then that's a separate issue and he needs to decide to stay or not.
I think the friend is probably in between relationships and bored. She could break his heart, and that would be mean. Why has she suddenly decided now she's in love with him? Because he's with someone else?
"no commitments" other than him already being in a relationship with someone, you mean!!
I also agree with PP who said if he is already THINKING about this, he is already being unfaithful
The OW may also be trying to "use" him, if she has just split up from someone and wants to appear to be bouncing back and happy - by hooking up with someone she thinks will willingly come running....
I agree she's not 'in love' with him - infatuated sure, yearnings for the past definitely .
But love, no. Love is knowing and being in a relationship in the present not extrapolating back 5 years ago.
They're both young, if he leaves current girlfriend and goes out with the past one it doesn't matter - no point in staying in a relationship with no ties if you don't really want to.
She's playing games. My bet is she's suddenly panicking about having no eligible men around and she's struck upon the idea of having your friend for a while instead. Why would she suddenly be in love with him out the blue like that? Answer: she won't be.
She's not in love with him. No way if she was would she take 7years to tell him. As another poster said she's having a tough time and wants a pick me up, she knows he loved her and wants the "challenge" of getting him back, the. She'll be bored.
She sounds like a vile person Wow! Mumsnetters can be very harsh on women who don't settle down with the first man they meet!
Are you asking this because the man in question doesn't know, OP? tbh he should know, its only him who knows whether Girl 1 was immature and is likely to have changed, and whether he has any dissatisfaction with his current relationship.
Though tbh if he was happy in current relationship, he wouldn't even be considering it. It wouldn't even be a blimp on his radar. He's in his early twenties, isn't married, no children...the worst thing he could do is to keep the current girlfriend as a safety mechanism and flirt massively with Girl 2.
No I am not the OW , although sort of wish I was as she's 10 years younger! They're both early 20s with no commitments if that helps?
What does he know about her situation? (Relationship status, kids, finances/debts, addictions, health etc.) I ask in case there's a more cynical reason for this very belated and unsolicited proposition.
If all is well in that respect, then it depends on how he really feels about his current girlfriend. There's no such thing as "the one" - if there was, there'd be about a 1/49bn chance of the right people finding each other, and that's before you take into account age differences, death, warfare, geographical distance, etc... His girlfriend could be equally (or more) right for him, but in different ways - only he can judge that. Also, time and life experiences will cause people to change lots over a period of 5-7 years - the girl he knew as a teenager no longer exists, so he could be sacrificing a great relationship for the rose-tinted idea of a relationship that he could have had as a naive and hormone-steeped teen.
I think that if he loves his girlfriend and wants the same things as her, then he should stay with her and tell her that this has happened before she finds out some other way.
If he's just settling for the girlfriend and will always think wistfully about the other woman, then the relationship is one-sided and dishonest, and the decent thing would be to release her from it as gently as possible.
If he thinks this is his big chance I hope he finishes with his present gf first. If he's already savouring the dilemma in a sense he's already messing her about.
I would be cautious in case first girl is only showing interest now she's back and aware he's involved with his gf. Bit of a shock to the ego when the person you always knew fancied you is apparently otherwise committed.
Well, if both she and new partner are "girls", then I assume he's still very young too.
So give it a shot. What does he have to lose, really?
Please tell me you are not the OW , OP.
assuming not, and that you are genuinely his friend, Has he told his current partner about this contact/sudden admission from his "ex".
Can you imagine the thread from HER if she found the text/email etc, MN is full of this sort of stuff.
he must not mess his partner about, kids or no kids, honesty and trust is vital, and I think she deserves to know that he is even considering ditching her for someone else
Leaving his current partner because he's not in love with her would not be unreasonable. Leaving her because he's expecting to find 'true, true' love with a fantasy woman would.
She sounds like a vile person. She has toyed with him for long enough. You can guarantee if she gets what she wants, she won't want it any more.
You can't just land back in a person's life and declare your love and expect them to drop whatever they are doing.
If I were him i'd stick with my current gf. She didn't want him then, she's playing with him now. There's a lot more to a relationship that the intial attraction.
Sorry should have made that clearer - they had a very brief fling then she gave him the brush off
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