To not want my dd to dress as a boy?

(102 Posts)
Hithere123 Thu 26-Sep-13 18:54:17

Don't know if I'm being mean or not. This is a long standing problem with dd (5) wanting to dress as a boy. She has older brothers and baby brother. She loves her babies and barbies but that's as girly as she gets. Her favourite outfit is trackies and trainers. I don't see a problem with this at all and within reason I let her wear what makes her happy unless we are going to a party and she needs a nice dress and she does without much fuss. Her friend is having a fancy dress party and she wants to go as...Ron weasley. She had the gryffindor cloak this after a trip to Harry potter. My thoughts were to buy the a tesco school skirt and she could be ginny (she chose the ginny want there too) but she insists she wants to be Ron. Should I buy her grey school trousers (I really don't want to) and leave her be or insist she goes as a girl.

Dillytante Sat 28-Sep-13 15:00:35

My DD1(6yro) has wanted to be a boy for a long time. What makes me feel sad is that she doesn't feel that she can do what she wants and be a girl. She wants to wear 'boy pants' which is fine, but I try and explain she doesn't have to be a boy to wear boy pants etc as she is a girl and still wears that stuff. I just regularly try and explain there is nothing boys can do that girls can't (grow beards and wee standing up are the exceptions she rightly mentions). The message is slowly sinking in. I don't think she really wants to be a boy, I think she just wants the freedom to do/wear 'masculine' things, which I try to let he do as much as possible.

Thants Sat 28-Sep-13 14:47:18

Yabvu

DiseasesOfTheSheep Sat 28-Sep-13 13:59:01

FWIW, my mother used to try to make me wear dresses to parties. I refused as "my tail would show" hmm (apparently I was part tiger...) and have remained a tomboy all my life - still dress like one really. I can't say it's been a big hinderance to my lifestlye!

DiseasesOfTheSheep Sat 28-Sep-13 13:55:33

Who in their right mind would want to go as Ginny when they could go as Ron?! Mental.

FriendlyLadybird Sat 28-Sep-13 11:38:58

The glory of fancy dress is that you get to be someone you're not. Of course she should go as Ron. I'm still longing for another opportunity to wear my Indiana Jones outfit.

extracrunchy Sat 28-Sep-13 10:34:56

Why does it matter?!? It's fancy dress. And even if it was an everyday preference, she'll probably grow out of it.

More importantly, even if she didn't, it wouldn't matter!! Good for her for wanting to be who she wants to be and not who all her mates are.

SubliminalMassaging Sat 28-Sep-13 10:32:30

Let her do as she wants. If she really does want to be a boy then you can't escape it by forcing her into a pink dress you know, and if it makes her unhappy she'll just keep thwarting you by ripping them or deliberately looking as awful possible. Find nice funky trousers, shorts, dungarees etc., that are made for girls but not obviously pink and girly.

My son went through a phase of dressing up as all sorts of book and film characters, some of them girls. It didn't last. He has no plans for a sex change as far as I am aware. grin

MadameJosephine Sat 28-Sep-13 10:26:16

I think your daughter sounds fabulous, she sounds like she knows her own mind and is not at all bothered about how she 'should' dress or behave purely based on her gender. I'm hoping for one like that myself. I think I might actually struggle if mine ends up a girly girl as that's my total opposite but as long as she's doing it because that's what she likes and not because it's been foisted upon her then so be it

TheBigJessie Sat 28-Sep-13 10:00:28

pamish Yes, I've noticed that although we still don't have proper acceptance for people who are transgender, some prejudiced people are using the existence of transgenderism to shore up their beliefs that gender roles are innate.

Little boy playing with a baby doll? Tell the parents he's really a girl! Aargh!

MostlyArbitrary Sat 28-Sep-13 09:15:24

YABU, what your daughter likes and dislikes isn't up for you to decide. Other posters are probably right about the 'wanting to be a boy' thing as well, it comes from a poor understanding of how sex and gender work at that age.

I'm a little disappointed in the tone of some of the 'my daughter was very boyish, I let her continue and she grew out of it' posts that seem to imply that you should let her go through this 'phase'. As if being a tom-boy is in any way bad.

Gender norms are a bunch of old rubbish. Let your daughter wear what she likes and dress up as her favourite characters. If she 'grows out of it' and ends being more 'girly' fine, if not, also good!

TL;DR Let her be herself, regardless of whether she 'grows out of it'.

topicofaffairs Sat 28-Sep-13 08:37:36

yAbu, there's no reason she has to wear a dress, lots of smart party trousers, shorts and tops for girls.

kim147 Sat 28-Sep-13 08:35:42

It's much easier for a girl in our society to wear "boy clothes" and do "boy things" than vice versa.

Just let her wear what she wants. Society won't give her any hassle at that age.

ViviDeBeauvoir Sat 28-Sep-13 08:33:01

Just let her be herself.
She's 5 years old and has plenty of time for pressures about conforming when she's older without her parents forcing her to comply with a social construction like gender.
Both my eldest DC (a girl and a boy) like to experiment with dressing up and I let them get on with it. DS1 likes to wear his sister's jewellery and have his toes painted in 'sparkles' it's all just fun experimentation.
I really wanted to be a boy when I was a child (probably because they got to do all the best stuff in those days, like be in the school football team) but surprise, surprise, I'm just your average mid 30s woman now.

changeforthebetter Sat 28-Sep-13 08:32:53

DD refused to wear a naice dress for a big family party. She chose boyish coloured leggings and a t-shirt (brand new, decent quality). So what? Your dd has decades ahead of her when she will be expected to conform to societal norms and she may well crumple under that (yes, the boss who told me I "wore my ambition on my sleeve", I mean you!)

FGS! Maybe she will always be a "tomboy" (boak) but your acceptance of her as she is is vastly more important than any perceived "norm". She sounds ace; celebrate who she actually is. brew

Lilacroses Sat 28-Sep-13 08:25:45

Are you being serious Mybaby?

Yabu op. Let her go as Ron.

Thing is, since she was born your DD has been receiving these two powerful messages (from all around, not just or not necessarily from you):

It matters whether or not you are a girl or a boy.

Boys are better than girls.

The only reason people insist on marking the 'difference' between male and female is because one is superior to the other. Otherwise no one would care.

Please do let your DD do what she wants.

MyBaby1day Sat 28-Sep-13 02:08:34

YANBU, tell her she's a girl and should wear a dress!.

sooperdooper Sat 28-Sep-13 00:08:32

There's nothing wrong with how she wants to dress, or the fancy dress she wants to do.

I can't fathom why so many people get upset about wanting girls in pink frilly dresses - I live in jeans and tshirts, and last fancy dress I went as Beatlejuice! Leave her be, it's fine and hurts noone

DumSpiroSpero Fri 27-Sep-13 23:07:48

My fancy dress of choice when I was a kid in the Eighties was Jimmy Krankie - with the full support of my DMum!

Let her be - Ron is by far the coolest character anyway smile .

TokenGirl1 Fri 27-Sep-13 20:38:02

I wanted to be a boy when I grew up and actually believed I would become one. My mum refused to let me wear trousers and forced me to wear dresses. Consequently, as I became a teenager and in my 20's I did everything possible to be boyish, took up football primarily to annoy her!

My sil was allowed to dress like a boy as a young child by her mother and by the time she was 13 she was the girliest person going.

Rachel778 Fri 27-Sep-13 20:22:29

SparkleSoiree that's lovely ..

mewmeow Fri 27-Sep-13 19:45:10

Yabvu. Why shouldn't she be Ron? I personally don't see the issue.

sashh Fri 27-Sep-13 07:43:05

She actually wants to be a boy though...she has told me and says prayers that she will be one one day

So did I.

I didn't really, it's just that boys in books and on TV got to do more interesting things. It's harder to climb a tree in a dress and I was forever being stopped from doing things my brother could because "he's wearing trousers, you might spoil your dress"

Ron is a far more interesting character than Ginnie - I mean what is she supposed to do? lie on the floor being enchanted? Giggle and run up stairs whenever she sees a Harry?

FloraFox Fri 27-Sep-13 05:29:25

MistyB your DD sounds so fab. It's such a shame that she "struggles with her identity", she does sound perfect and beautiful. It shouldn't feel like a struggle to realise (at age 5) that gender "norms" are bullshit. Good for you for supporting her!

MistyB Fri 27-Sep-13 00:32:17

I haven't read the rest of the answers but DD aged 5 refused to wear dresses. A few times, I mentioned the word dress in regards to clothing. Then close to her 5th birthday, we were having a knights and princess party and I asked her what she wanted to dress up as (meaning it was open to include the many knight costumes we had!!!). She said, "Dresses, dresses, dresses, Mummy, what is with the dresses all the time??" (We don't live in an American sitcom!!) Sometime later, I gave most of her dresses inherited from a very dressy cousin to a friend. Within weeks, DD wanted to wear a 'party dress' and then also to lend her two friends dresses from her wardrobe (we had no dresses!!!!) She still struggles with her identity, the girls are too girlie and the boys are too boyie. Her perfect and beautiful half ways house is fabulous knee length boots with a flouncy flowery dress. I feel pain for her 'stuck between two stereo types' situation but admire her determination to be herself!!

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