'R U A young mum????' AIBU?

(101 Posts)
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 08:54:59

Hello all, I'm an lurker/occasional poster, this is my first AIBU thread so I'm a little bit scared grin

I received a letter and flyer in the post yesterday inviting me to attend a 'young mums group'
In large font (comic sans shock) at the top of the flyer it reads:

R U A Young mum or young mum 2 B???
R U 19 or under???
R U looking 2 make friends???

AIBU to be extremely put off by this and to find it a little patronising? It's as if they are trying to communicate with Vicky Pollard.

I bet there's no way on earth they would use 'R U???' On a flyer for a group which wasn't specifically targeted at 'young mums'.
Also AIBU to find the term 'young mums' a little annoying too? Aren't all mums just mums? You wouldn't see a flyer advertising a group for 'old mums' would you? confused

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 08:48:40

you put it so much better than I did yoni but i agree with everything you said,

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:14:03

SBP I'm about confused as to what you mean? I have been around for a while but very very rarely post, think the last time was about 6 months ago. Not sure what you mean by troll hunting? On my last thread someone accused me of being a troll too, is it something to do with my posting style? For some reason I find it difficult to post and respond on forums, I can hold a conversation in real life but on mumsnet I find it difficult to keep up and can't get my thoughts across properly grin

*y

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:19:28

Ffs posted too soon. Stupid phone.

Congratulations Hola I was 17 when I had my DD. I managed to do my a-levels, but have now realised the subject wasn't what I want to study so will be doing it all again!

I realise these groups do want to engage younger mothers and I realise some need support more than I do, but still think it doesn't take much to use 'Are you?' Instead of 'R U???' And actually adress us as adults because that is what we are.
Wish there was bacon sarnies like there's us at some dads groups though shock maybe I could suggest it? grin

SPBisResisting Mon 23-Sep-13 09:24:15

No no im definitely not calling you a troll. I think there is another nirvana type name in the same part of the cointry and she either does or did post a lot. So I was confused but I think it's just coincidence. Sorry. Ignore me!

NutritiousAndDelicious Mon 23-Sep-13 09:29:24

I was a very young looking 18 when I had DS.

I went to a young mums group (invitation with text speak as well!) and felt like a fish out of water and incredibly patronised (I was not their target audience)

I went to a regular run of the mill mums group, no one spoke to me, apart from at the end when one lady told me that my lace was undone, but that 'must be the fashion with the kids of today' then the whole group laughed at me. I went home and cried.

I felt so out of place and self conscious and alone. It's hard being a young mum and working full time, you don't fit in anywhere!

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:31:21

Haha oh I see SPB grin I did got through a phase of about a week a long while ago where I did post a lot, still may be me you're thinking of? Not sure. If there is another Nirvana from n.yorks then Hellooooo! Not sure why I go through phases where I post quite a bit and then don't post at all for months. think I'm just a bit socially awkward on the Internet grin and how do people keep up, some threads on here move so fast! Also can't count the number of times I have written a reply to a thread and then deleted it coz I got scared! grin

NutritiousAndDelicious Mon 23-Sep-13 09:31:37

By the way I'm a young looking 24 now and still have people shock at the fact im walking around with a 6 year old, he's mixed race as well. Some people's judgy pants are practically strangling them when I walk past grin

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 09:35:14

True, Nirvana, but a 15 year old (for example) isn't an adult. Some 16/17/18/19 year olds don't act like adults either, in fact a lot of them don't.

Having a baby makes some people mature very fast but others don't, they just think they are, or they carry on the way they always did but dragging a baby/child along in it. That is who these groups are aimed at. Not you, or me or the poster who is saving for a mortgage. They will often be girls from chaotic homes who don't have much of a role model for bringing up their children responsibly. They might not have the maturity to make good financial decisions. In teenagers the part of the brain which thinks about long-term impacts of decisions is not fully developed - this is probably less the case if you have had it modelled to you throughout life to think things through and consider long term implications. I suppose there is an argument as well that those who have this part of the brain more developed are less likely to take risks which make pregnancy more likely, and perhaps more likely to consider options such as abortion. So much less likely to be in the position of having a child at a young age anyway.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:36:08

Nutritious Those women sound like Bullies! I bet that made you feel so awkward you poor thing!

I suppose because there are so many different groups you have to find the one that's right for you and your DC inbetween all the young mums groups, normal mums groups, singing groups, toddler groups , play groups etc etc.
I hardly go to groups and I feel DD may be missing out a bit, so I'm gonna go to this one and even if I don't like it, it may give me the confidence to try some more out.

Tavv Mon 23-Sep-13 09:36:16

YANBU. Is everyone under 19 too dim to read the words "are" and "you"?

nancerama Mon 23-Sep-13 09:38:43

YANBU. Our local authority was running summer activities for teens and advertising it as "Summer in da boro". Cringe.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:40:39

Yoni I see what you mean, you make a really good point. There will probably be mums like that at this group. There might be some that need a friend.

I work in a children's centre and design posters, or put them together to send off to our graphics department who do a better job. grin

I would never use text speak on a poster. However it's the sort of thing we'd ask our parent forum or parents already attending a young mums group to give their input on. (ofsted like that sort of thing) It might be that the young parents designed it, and said it was a good idea, and would make them want to come?

WallaceWindsock Mon 23-Sep-13 10:13:18

Its horrid stereotyping. I think half the mistake people make is in saying that groups advertised like this have a target audience which this type of advertising would appeal to. What about the rest of the mothers under 25. This kind of advertising puts most of us off however we still get all the judgement and stereotyping from other mums, we still get assumptions and ridiculous comments. These groups need to appeal to everyone within that age bracket. I would have liked to meet other mums my age that were in similar circumstances to me. This kind of group could have facilitated that.

Im 23 and have a 2.5yo and a 6mo. Since having DS people are less judgey, I think partly due to the fact that they now stop assuming I'm a single mum and therefore a benefit scrounger, but also because I suddenly look a fair bit older due to general sleep deprivation and moving further into my twenties. After having DD however I was very judged. A lot of young mums were very unpleasant about the parenting choices I made (BLW etc), about the way I dressed, that I sounded "posh", "stuck up", even of the fact that I was in a relationship. Older mums tended to either patronise me hugely, ask me if I knew who the father was, assume I was relying on benefits and bring in charity items for me! etc.

I've worked out the best way to get round all this crap now, I never leave the house looking scruffy or without makeup as then I tended to get "aren't you coping" assumptions, I loud parent DD and I just walk up to people and start conversations. You can see the expressions change as they register that im not talking all "innit" and am forming intelligent sentences.

Equally though I hate that I would be judged more if I was a single parent or was relying on benefits (as I was for a short period). It's all so awful, there are good and bad mums in all age brackets, communities, cultures etc. God, I remember the HV at DS' early visits asking me if I was ok for money in a concerned voice and checking that I knew to smoke outside away from baby. I don't smoke! and had never given her reason to think I did.

I was a mum at seventeen and find this type of stereotyping so frustrating! If I were you, I'd contact them and point out how patronising they're being. (And if you don't, post their details. I'll happily do it for you! wink)

NutritiousAndDelicious, I've had very similar experiences! One woman at the "normal" mums group actually pulled her child away from my barely-walking 1-year-old as he tried to play with her, tutting her teeth at me as if our presence offended her! I'm 22 now and still get the occasional stare, but I've learned to enjoy shocking people!

HerlockSholmes Tue 26-Nov-13 00:27:32

YANBU i had my son at 20 and still think of myself as a young mum. i would automatically dismiss that as text speak annoys the crap out of me. it's actually quite insulting, to me it implies that because you are "young" you'll be more likely (or only able to) to respond to something that's been blatantly dumbed down.

my 50+ mother and 70+ grandmother use text speak my 16 year old sister and i only use it when we are having a joke and generally hate it.

ShylaMcCall Tue 26-Nov-13 00:29:13

I think the OP has long gone. Did you not see the Zombie thread warning?

NoComet Tue 26-Nov-13 00:35:29

I know this is a zombie thread, but you might like this on too.

HPV leaflet that DD2(120 wasn't impressed by either

NoComet Tue 26-Nov-13 00:38:52

bracket fail, DD2 is 12, she'd say it's me who's120

Fairy1303 Tue 26-Nov-13 07:44:49

YANBU - this drives me mad!!

However, our young mums group stops at 23 and at 24 I'm too old grin! But much younger than most of the other mums, coupled with an 8 year old step daughter who looks like me (the looks I get!) - I'm a bit of a misfit all round!

OwlinaTree Tue 26-Nov-13 07:52:12

They are trying to offer a service which is badly needed by some. It might not be well expressed but they are reaching out to potentially vunerable people. Cut them some slack, or offer to help and redesign the leaflet if it is a local thing.

OwlinaTree Tue 26-Nov-13 07:53:05

Oh didn't see it was zombie!!

Fairy1303 Tue 26-Nov-13 08:08:45

Oh no!! I fell into the same trap! X

AmberLeaf Tue 26-Nov-13 08:28:10

blimey. since when did a two month old thread = zombie thread?

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