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Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

(224 Posts)
mumof3sons Sat 21-Sep-13 18:09:20

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

Footface Sat 21-Sep-13 18:15:48

I have two boys, and I do understand what you mean about feeling lonely and unsure if being a mil. My advice would be to enjoy them now, appreciate and love them and stop worrying about what might be.

I know it's hard as I worry that once their married I might not see them.

Also be nice you ex mil ( if that's possible )and help her to see her gc.

The woman in the street! Sounds very rude, not sure that I would have been as nice if she had sneered at my ds's

Little boys can the cuddliest, snuggliest, most adoring little people. You have three of them, all ready and waiting to bestow love and hugs on their mum.
There is a great thread at the moment about Teenage Boys, which is pretty heart warming.

It does sound as though you are really struggling, have you had any counselling or support to help you work through these feelings?

CruCru Sat 21-Sep-13 18:16:35

Can I suggest that you move this to chat? AIBU gets a bit feisty and you may get a kicking for this.

I'm not convinced that I have anything terribly helpful to say. I have one DS and think he is awesome but that probably isn't helpful. One thing you could do is find something to do with your kids that you will all enjoy - spending time on a farm or hiking - not football but also not glittery craft stuff.

RedHelenB Sat 21-Sep-13 18:17:18

My ds is very affectionate but very much as you have described! Children do change though, I am sure you will be close to one or all of them as adults in the way you are imagining you would be with a girl. I've 2 dds but one of them I fully expect to move miles away & have little contact whereas my other at the moment loves her mum & wants to be near me always! Plus, you could get some lovely dil's!

Mammyisthegirl Sat 21-Sep-13 18:17:22

My husband is one of six (3 each) and he and his brothers spend much more time with his parents than the girls do. My Mum reckons that I should try to bring my two boys up to choose nice DPs and then it wouldn't be so bad to be the MIL. Sorry this isn't much consolation.

CruCru Sat 21-Sep-13 18:18:11

Also agree, that was a ridiculous thing for her to say. Mean too.

Mammyisthegirl Sat 21-Sep-13 18:18:39

Cheeky so-and-so for saying that to you, though!

SugarHut Sat 21-Sep-13 18:19:03

I have 1 boy. And serious issues in this department. I know exactly what you mean. Have a look at my thread on mental health about it. I know it's not really a mental health thing, but I had just joined MN and didn't really know where to post it. It's not very pleasant reading to a lot of people who can't physically understand how we feel so they get quite judgy and angry, but it's very honest and not sugar coated. You will "get" everything I say.

You're not alone, and 5 yrs on, I'm finally acknowledging I need to do something about it, now starting counselling, and starting to have little breakthroughs.

Well done for having the courage to say something. x x x

carabos Sat 21-Sep-13 18:19:44

Wait till they grow up and you've got THREE men who adore you, tease you, do man stuff for you and really value you and your opinion. Get these early years right and you won't be a lonely MiL.

FlapJackFlossie Sat 21-Sep-13 18:19:44

I have only one boy (now a man). He has just proposed to the most wonderful girl you could wish to meet - so I have my daughter after all (she is estranged from her real family through no fault of her own so I'm not trying to poach her smile).

CaptainSweatPants Sat 21-Sep-13 18:20:19

In my experience boys are very caring to their mums the older they get

You'll have 3 lovely grown up sons to keep you company, bring you shopping , send you flowers on mothers day

& if you're a lovely mil you'll have a lovely relationship with any wives & grand daughters that might come along

flowers

DoItTooJulia England Sat 21-Sep-13 18:21:18

I agree that AIBU isn't the best place for this.

You sound like you need some support and I'm worried that you won't get it here. Hopefully I'll be proven wrong.

CissyMeldrum Sat 21-Sep-13 18:22:35

I have 3 boys and have never really thought that means I have no daughters, my boys are just my boys ,is one gender really better than the other ,there must be mum's with 3 girls who really want a boy .They are happy ,healthy and clean most of the time grin and wouldn't swap them for anything .

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 21-Sep-13 18:22:57

Believe you me she will regret those comments when her D hits puberty and becomes a poisonous little madam.
Fiddling with genitals is not an exclusively male occupation and when you have a girl who loves to be naked I felt like to spent years telling her to restrict her fiddling to her bedroom.
When there was glitter all over my living room I often wished I had a boy playing football in the garden

bymyside Sat 21-Sep-13 18:23:04

I have 3 sons - when they were little it was obviously very male orientated as my husband was in the army and whether it was something in the water but all my friends had boys as well. I am perhaps lucky that i never hankered over dresses etc - when they were in their teens i had a passing thought that it might have been nice to have had a daughter to go shopping with. However my life has been so blessed with them, they have turned into wonderful men - very loving and kind. My husband died without warning a few weeks ago and they have been amazing- I feel so special to have these wonderful boys- the noise and messiness is still there though xxx

SkinnybitchWannabe Sat 21-Sep-13 18:24:36

I have 3 boys aged 14, 11 and 8. I love them with every bit of my heart but I still wish Id got a daughter.
Noone who isnt in our postion can underztand how we feel.
Yes we are blessed to have three children and yes we should think ourselves lucky for being able to have children in the first place, but and its a huge but, we would love a daughter.
Ive had similar things said to me, one woman once asked me if Im sad that Im not going to have the 'mother daughter' shopping days out. Yes I am sad I wont experience all the girlie things like periods/puberty and the so called girlie days out.
I keep getting told to try for a girl but unfortunately lack of space and money makes it impossible.
Ive always said that if I won the lottery Id go to America for the gender treatment so I get my little girl.
you are not alone OP I can guarentee that

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 21-Sep-13 18:24:54

I'm the female version of your youngest son - I was supposed to be a boy, a much-wanted boy, and the scan even said I was. When I was born, my mum refused to look at me for 3 days. She was heartbroken that I'm female.

I don't speak to my family anymore. There is a big back story as to why. My boyfriend's family has pretty much become mine, and although we've had our trials and tribulations in the last 6 years, his mum has been like a mum to me. I know she's always there if I need her, and I hope she knows the same about me. She's always welcome here. I'd do anything to help them.

Just because you have boys doesn't mean you won't have a daughter. Maybe biologically you won't. Your sons will have partners, though, and children.

SecretWitch Sat 21-Sep-13 18:25:17

Mumof3, I am so sorry you feel this way. I also think you are very brave to acknowledge those feelings. I am a mum of three also. I have two girls and boy. My son has been a disappointment to his father, my xhusband. My son is tall, thin and does not care a whit about sport. He loves reading and drinking endless cups of tea with his mates. He has a dry quirky sense of humour that his father does not understand. My son also has Aspergers and some developmental delays. My exhusband only spoke about wanting a son when I was pregnant. A big strapping son just like himself. A son to play sports and go round the pubs with. My husband got a son, just not the child he thought he was going to get.

You might have had a daughter. She might have been much different than your expectations. Not all girls want to play dress up and go shopping. My five year old dd has an unfortunate predilection for mud puddles and loves dump trucks. I wish I had a magic remedy for you...<<hugs>>

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 21-Sep-13 18:26:58

Oh, and to make matters worse, I was obsessed with cars and football as a child. I have no brothers, and my dad couldn't care less about either, so god knows where the obsession came from.

My mother hated me more for it. For being so close to what she wanted, but so far away. I'm still like it now. I'd much rather be at a football match than in a shopping mall, any day of the week.

mumof3sons Sat 21-Sep-13 18:27:04

Thank you.

I know little boys can be affectionate, but mine just aren't. I've honestly tried to find things we can do as a family but the only things they love are endless games of football, fighting (hmm) or cars, all of which I hate. For example, last weekend I went with a friend and her two DDs to a blackberry farm day. Photos from the day show my friend's DDs with their faces painted as woodland creatures, skipping in pretty dresses and cuddly cardis and posing as fairies in the woods. My DSs found sticks to have combat fights with, climbed all over the tractor and then whined that it was boring. I just felt like the children had nothing to do with me, like they weren't even mine. I do love them, I really do, but we just have nothing in common and I just know they are going to grow to be the noisy, sporty boys who I never had anything in common with at school, if just one of them showed an interest in books or animals or travel - but it's just football and cars. Honestly.

Thankyou for being kind, I am REALLY struggling.

Firstly that woman was very odd, and bad mannered so ignore her. However, I understand that it's made you sad, and I think it is understandable to miss what you think a girl would bring. Realistically you know it's not reasonable, and a girl may not want those things.

In terms of being a MIL, you may get a DIL like me! I don't have parents, and I live my ILs. They moved near us, and I pop round to see them with the children lots. I speak to my MIL on the phone, and before her health became bad we used to go Christmas shopping etc.

Personally I really love my DS's interests, and hobbies, but some things I don't really get involved with (watching match of the day for example!).

I hope you feel better if you read replies here that are positive about boys.

BooCanary Sat 21-Sep-13 18:27:52

Can't believe that woman said that to you, OP!

I can kind of see where you're coming from, as I always pictured myself with a DD. I went on to have a DD and a DS. But I think you have to accept that they are individuals. My DD is not cuddly at all, whereas my DS has always been a little limpet.

As much as I love DD she pushes my buttons, has very changeable moods and is very emotional. I find her, in the nicest possible way, high maintenance emotionally/mentally.DS is calmingly stable in contrast ( despite a willy obsession and a love of superheroes).

I'd also add that, although I am much closer to my family than DH is to his, I know many couples where its the other way round.

Viviennemary Sat 21-Sep-13 18:28:34

I feel sad for you. But the point is there are no guarantees in life. I wanted a third child but DH didn't. And I still feel a bit annoyed at him at times when I'm feeling low. But I know I'm very very lucky indeed to have two children. And I'm sure you feel the same about your three boys.

BringBackBod Sat 21-Sep-13 18:30:27

I'm lucky. I have 3 sons and have never felt disappointed about not
having a daughter.
I'm sorry you feel that way though op.
The pregnant woman would have annoyed me, but not for long. I would hate to be pregnant knowing I risked being disappointed if I got the 'wrong' gender sad

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