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To think I've already agreed to compromise so my mother should really stop pushing my buttons?

(130 Posts)

My brother is getting married in two weeks, and in the run-up to the wedding my mother seems to be trying to make me 'normal' which I'm finding really insulting, degrading and pretty depressing.

First off, I decided to make a dress to wear to the wedding because A)I'm broke B) I'm a pretty good seamstress and C) my personal style is vintage-inspired and I'd have more control over the final look of the outfit. My mother was determined to stop me wearing this dress before I'd even started making it. She badgered me for weeks and when I finally got it finished, deemed it too attention grabbing. Same with the two dresses I had altered and was using as back-ups. All three dresses are, in my opinion, fairly classy and in no way gypsy-weddingy. I feel like it doesn't matter what the final product was like, she would have vetoed it anyway.

(the first one is basically a toned down version of this dress, in blue with straps: http://clothesonfilm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-Great-Gatsby_Carey-Mulligan-dress-full-crop_Photograph-by-Hugh-Stewart-001-360x494.jpg)

I agreed not to wear it in the end because I knew she'd never leave me alone about it. But since I agreed, she's been making a lot of unnecessary jokes about my finished dress to her boyfriend, her sister and my future sister-in-law and I'm getting very annoyed. I wouldn't mind so much if the craftsmanship was off (and she would have been honest if it had been) but she admitted it was well-made.

We're going shopping tomorrow for a new frock and so far, the ones she wants me to get have been awful. Beige, cheap fabric, too short or too much cleavage and just plain tacky. I get the sinking feeling I'm going to end up in something I look awful in and don't feel comfortable in at all.

Also, there's an issue with the colour of my hair. I bleached it and dyed it pink earlier in the year to raise money for charity, since then it's washed out and looks a touch strawberry blonde. I agreed to not put any colour into it until just before the wedding so we could get it back to the original shade. She won't stop going on about how awful it looks to everyone, including the hairdresser as I was making the appointment.

I know it all sounds very petty but it ties in with a lot of dysfunction in our relationship over the years, and everyone tends to take her side because she's the matriarch. I've been seeing less and less of her lately thankfully and after the wedding I'm putting a lot more distance between us. I'm a happy, confident exuberant person most of the time but around her I regress back to an awkward unhappy teenager.

Groovee Fri 20-Sep-13 17:15:43

Wear the dress you made and don't tell your mother.

littlewhitebag Fri 20-Sep-13 17:18:05

As far as I can see you can do one of two things:

1. Kowtow to her expectations if you as a daughter. Wear a boring dress, make your hair a normal ( to you mum) colour and generally play the good daughter for the day.

2. Wear the dress that you made, that you know suits your style, and that you have put a lot of effort into. Colour your hair the colour you want. Accept that your mum won't be happy but that you are being true to yourself.

I know which one I would be doing!

Seconded. Don't let her bully you - I am sure you will look amazing! And if it were my wedding, I'd want my guests to feel happy and comfortable.

YouTheCat Fri 20-Sep-13 17:20:15

I think that dress is bloody lovely.

Maybe it's about time you told your mother to shut up?

Have your hair and dress how you want it.

LordElpuss Fri 20-Sep-13 17:22:06

My DD is only 8 but already she has the final say on what clothes we buy for her. I assume you're at least 10 years older than my DD so you don't need your mother's approval or permission. Can't get link to work but I'm in awe of anyone who can sew a button on make a garment.

lisylisylou Fri 20-Sep-13 17:23:34

Uh oh weddings bring out the worst in families don't they? If you were a bridesmaid or maid of honour (sorry don't know your age or anything!!) and your brother and sister in law asked you to do these things then I would say oh well it's only one day!! However, I would be tempted to say to your mother that you'll meet her at the church and then turn up in whatever clothes you want!! It sounds stressful good luck x

FriskyHenderson Fri 20-Sep-13 17:25:59

What's she going to do if you wear what you want and do your hair as you like it? Send you to bed without any tea? Stop your pocket money?

When you were 5 she could tell you what to wear. I'm assuming you are no longer 5?

Jolleigh Fri 20-Sep-13 17:27:27

Your mum sounds like mine ' nightmare!

Send her a pic of a dress you know she'll like, say you've bought it for the wedding. Turn up in one you've made, lap up the compliments, mention each time that your mum had made it clear she doesn't like it but you're doing your best not to become a replica of her wink

You're not 5, do your own thing.

pointythings Fri 20-Sep-13 17:27:30

That dress you linked to is amazing and you should definitely wear it - it's very classy too, not at all gypsyish. And since it's blue, you won't upstage the bride.

Don't let your mother turn you into a mushroom.

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 20-Sep-13 17:27:39

Nothing you do will be good enough. No matter what you wear even if she picks it out or takes you to the hairdressers and tells them what to do and supervises it you will be wearing the dress wrong and your hair will be wrong.

Wear what you like and feel comfortable in. So long as it isn't a see through basque or a wedding dress no one has anything to complain about.

Your mother on the other hand would complain if you were Kate Middleton.

This is more about her need to control you, you have hinted this may be at the root of the problem. It seems in her head she has a picture you can't match probably because you are too tall/short whatever as she has a totally different person, personality and body shape in mind. As you are you and not this imaginary person you cannot compete so don't try. The closer you get to her ideal the more irate she will become as it still won't match what's in her head and this will be your fault not hers for having the mad idea in the first place.

Awitchwithoutchips Fri 20-Sep-13 17:27:45

Please wear the dress you made and have whatever colour hair you want. It is none of your mother's business. Make out you are ill tomorrow so you can't go shopping

Jeremiad Fri 20-Sep-13 17:28:49

You know you've really made it in life when you can view your mother with detachment.

I haven't quite cracked it yet, but I'd certainly just laugh in her face if she tried to boss me around like this.

Tell her to fuck off mind her own business. Wear what you like.

diddl Fri 20-Sep-13 17:29:09

Is she worried about you being more commented on than the bride/deliberately trying to be the centre of attention?

I went to a wedding some years ago that is still remembered for the sister of the bride's outfit!

BetsyBell Fri 20-Sep-13 17:29:58

Please wear your lovely dress and keep away from your horrible mother. She's probably jealous of your awesomeness.

tripecity Fri 20-Sep-13 17:31:19

why are you listening to your mum at all? Are you 12 years old? Wear what you want!

LovesBeingOnHoliday Fri 20-Sep-13 17:31:32

Nothing you will do will make her happy, wear your dress

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 20-Sep-13 17:31:42

Oh and definitely turn up at the church separately to your mother. Then she can hiss through the reception politely instead of picking you apart on the journey there and having a fit at the house and possibly deciding its all too much and she's going to collapse because of the stress you are putting her under, cue tense moments wondering if she's actually going to go or not because you've ruined it all.
Great if she's not like that but a lot of dominant, difficult people have no qualms about throwing their toys out of the pram if things don't go their way on someone else's important occasions and making it all about them.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 20-Sep-13 17:33:42

How old are you? I feel sure you are old enough to choose your own clothes. This is not about the dress or the hair, it s about control - your' mother's over you. Don't let her control you - why should you be bullied into beige polyester when what you want to wear sounds much much better than that.

I would wear whatever YOU feel happy in - let's face it all eyes will be on the bride and maybe the bride's mother, not you. IGNORE your MOther, just politely smile at her and then turn up in whatever you want.

Cailinsalach Fri 20-Sep-13 17:33:46

Oh how awful. Personal style is um well personal. Can you block your Mum out and eear what you feel good in? At least tell her you are hurt by he comments.
I bet you will rock the wedding!

Damnautocorrect Fri 20-Sep-13 17:35:27

That dress is beautiful, wear it. Ignore your mother, tell her you bought another then wear that one.

Pachacuti Fri 20-Sep-13 17:35:46

Wear the dress you made but don't tell her in advance.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 20-Sep-13 17:36:41

What do the rest of your family think? Especially the bride and groom? If the main couple don't care what you wear then I think you should wear exactly what you want.

MerryMarigold Fri 20-Sep-13 17:38:26

Yeah, wear your dress and rock the wedding. If you're planning more distance after, then this may be the catalyst!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 20-Sep-13 17:38:37

Yeah, show up on the day in whatever the hell you want to wear (within reason! If you show up in a white wedding dress, maybe you've gone too far wink )

You are a grown up, your mum doesn't get to tell you what to wear.

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