to wanna tell my friend - WAKE UP. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU

(49 Posts)
dirtyface Tue 17-Sep-13 19:00:30

firstly just let me say. she is so sweet and lovely. she is beautiful, slim and funny and could have anyone tbh. she is a brill friend and i don't want to hurt her. however she is a bit naive tbh, she is 30 but this is only her 3rd relationship in her life

she was with this total dickhead who fucked her around for 18 months, finally becoming such a total shit to her that she ended it with him 6 weeks ago. i think he deliberately became even more of a twat to her so she did the dumping, saving him having to dump her, the spineless little wanker

she decided a couple of weeks ago she wanted him back hmm because she just loooooves and misses him soooooo much. (WHY? why would you miss someone who made you miserable and fucked with your head all the time) i have no idea) so she has started texting him and saying she wants him back

all contact is initiated by her. and he is clearly not interested in having her back, as IMO if he ever wanted her in the first place, he would not have treated her like shit through out the whole relationship for a start, and when she finished it he would have tried to get her to change her mind. which he didn't. and he occasionaly answers her texts in wishy-washy "nice" ways, giving her hope. but i think its that he is too spineless to tell her he deffo does not want her back

she keeps asking me for advice but she just does not seem to be listening. i have (gently) said he does not seem to want you back, but she just doesn't seem to want to hear me. she is going to end up looking stalkery if she is not careful sad

i am at my wits end, i want to help her but how can i? sorry its long sad

pumpingprincess Tue 17-Sep-13 19:03:13

Be direct and be firm. Tell her straight that he doesn't want her.
I remember being like that and wished friends had been a bit straighter with me. It would've hurt at the time but quicker and less pain in the long run.
Good luck!

Hissy Tue 17-Sep-13 19:05:08

Oh yeah, tell her! Fgs! Tell her!

MissFenella Tue 17-Sep-13 19:18:33

By her 'he's just not into you' on the premise of it being a chick flick and see if it rings any bells with her.

CocacolaMum Tue 17-Sep-13 19:23:12

she knows, she must do. she will however only leave him alone when she is ready to. be gentle but firm and tell her this is enough now. Some people need to grieve for relationships but there is a limit on this and she needs to see that the more time she wastes on him, the less time she will have for her (and for anyone new!)

MissFenella Tue 17-Sep-13 20:53:03

*buy

dirtyface Tue 17-Sep-13 21:06:16

missfenella i tried to gently explain to her the basic premise of the book of "he's just not that into you", to absolutely no avail

i believe STRONGLY that if a man wants a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get her, this is because i have been round the block many a few times and i know this from my own experience

she keeps making excuses for him, like, oh he is really passive, he is not the type to chase someone etc. its just bullshit and she is not stupid, far from it, so why does she believe it? sad

Joanne279 Tue 17-Sep-13 21:11:37

I think I might be your friend! Lol jokes

This could be my dp. We're still together but he's being a total cock. Thankfully my mate is currently texting me telling me his behaviour sucks bigtime ��

I value my mates opinion and I'd definately prefer them to be straight eith me. Sit her down and be firm but kind and tell her you don't want to see her hurt x

AgentZigzag Tue 17-Sep-13 21:20:27

I agree that if she's asking for advice then tell her.

But once you've told her outright, in a way that you can still be friends afterwards, leave it at that.

Don't be stressing and sad for her, she's an adult and has to make her own choices/mistakes. It's not your responsibility if she's not listening, and I mean that you should be protecting yourself to some extent.

This shouldn't have you at your wits end, if it does you might have to back off a bit.

You sound so lovely though smile just leave her to it and be there for her with tissues.

MrsBW Tue 17-Sep-13 22:38:30

Buy her this. One of the best books I've ever read.

He's Just Not That Into You

MrsBW Tue 17-Sep-13 22:39:38

Sorry, cross post.

Don't explain the premise. Buy her the book. Let her read it in her own time.

She'll realise.

MrsBW Tue 17-Sep-13 22:41:00

i believe STRONGLY that if a man wants a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get her, this is because i have been round the block many a few times and i know this from my own experience

Maybe not move heaven and earth. But he will leave her in no doubt as to how he feels about her.

MrsBW Tue 17-Sep-13 22:42:24

Wasn't a cross post. I just didn't read the whole thread before posting.

I'm going to put the vodka away now.

dirtyface Wed 18-Sep-13 10:02:41

some great suggestions so far as to what to say to her

i am glad none of you think i am being a bitch

would really appreciate any more suggestions please as i am going to have a good chat with her later, as she text me last night saying she had text him AGAIN hmm but she was all happy as he has actually replied this time so there he is again giving her hope. but i know for a fact that had she NOT text him he would not have text her

i could throttle the little shit. he wants to man up (hate that saying but he does)

HaveALittleFaith Wed 18-Sep-13 10:30:43

Ah I had a friend like this although the knob head came back twice telling her he still loved her hmm In the end she saw it for herself. No amount of telling it to her straight stopped her. Some of her friends were judgemental when they got back together but I just always tried to be there for her knowing she'd need me when it went tits up (again).

Fast forward a year and she is now with a lovely guy who clearly treasures her smile

Another film that's useful is The Holiday. That moment when Kate Winslet's character's blinkers finally come off is awesome!

dirtyface Wed 18-Sep-13 12:39:22

oh god your poor friend. well i am glad she has found someone nice now

i would personally rather be single than put up with any level of fuckwittery

i don't want to be judgemental of her or anything and i do want to be there for her but it is just so wearing listen to her asking for advice about the same old shit that i have already gave the same advice a million times and nothing changes

HaveALittleFaith Wed 18-Sep-13 21:14:55

Yes it took her taking him back twice before she saw the light. He kept talking about marriage then getting cold feet. The first time he left her was horrendous. I really hope this new fella goes the distance, she's 33 and I know she wants a family sooner rather than later. Hopefully your friend will get a happy ending too smile

BaconAndAvocado Wed 18-Sep-13 21:25:03

I have been in a similar situation to you, where a very close friend was determined to stay with a bit.

You can tell her all you like, but, in the end, she will do exactly what she wants to do.

Unfortunately all you can do is wait for the fall out and be there for her when it happens.

treadheavily Wed 18-Sep-13 21:30:46

You are nicer than me.

I have been listening to a friend bitch about her husband for 3 yrs. she is drowning in bitterness. And I just want to scream SHUT UP

BaconAndAvocado Wed 18-Sep-13 22:20:24

git not bit

dirtyface Thu 19-Sep-13 14:18:08

UPDATE

i emailed her yesterday in reply to her asking me what i thought about his latest text, which was in response to her texting him. i am worried now as have heard nothing back and i am worried she has fallen out with me. as its unlike her to not be in touch. i think i have really offended her.

here is (an edited to avoid outing anyone) what i sent her. :

*when it comes to the XXXX situation my answers are always the same. i dont mean to be a bitch, i love you dearly, you are my best friend, and its breaking my heart seeing you tying yourself in knows over someone who just does not give a shit about you. and who you are about a milion times too good for.
so am going to say a few honest things:
in my honest opinion, you are wasting your time on him. and i really think you should back off now. if he wanted you back he would leave you in no doubt about that. at the moment you are in limbo.if you hadn't have text yesterday, he would NOT have text you. i would honestly bet my life on it.
all you are doing by keep texting him is dragging it out. and it is unhealthy for you. you need to focus on you, getting well, and having a good life without him. as when
you were with him you were never happy anyway. you can blame yourself all you want but the bottom line is that your relationship failed because he trreated you like crap, you were so low on his priorities it was unreal.. sorry but the reason for him being such a shit boyfriend is because he just didn't want you enough.its wasntt because of his work, it wasnt because of his personality type, it wasn because he is a passive, unemotional type of person etc etc, its because he didn't want you enough. i know thats hard to hear. and i am sorry. i also think that his behaviour got even worse in the last few months because he wanted YOU to dump HIM. and it worked. so this is why i think you should just walk away. if you have to, delete his number, block him on facebook, do whatever you have to do but please keep your dignity and don't do this to yourself anymore. it will be hard, very hard, because at the moment you think there is still some hope of getting back together with him. but there isn';t because if he wanted you back he would have made it very clear a long time ago thats what he wanted. and i honestly really hate him for doing this to you the spineless little shit. god help him if i ever see him in public, i will verbally tear him to bits. and i genuinely hope he ends up with no body and nothing, he will the way he carries on
at the end of the day though you are an adult and can make your own decisions / choices, and i will always be here for you no matter what, even if i don't agree with them.
again, i hope i have not offended you. please believe me when i say i am saying all this as a friend and i do not mean to hurt you. hope you don't fall out with me xxx*

what do people think? have i been too harsh?? sad

EldritchCleavage Thu 19-Sep-13 14:38:44

No, just honest.

When I did this in my mid-twenties, 2 male friends sat me down over drinks and explained in brutal terms what the bloke was up to. It really smarted but it went in. I stopped hanging on after this man and he never had power over me again.

In your friend's case (like mine), I think he will never completely sack her off. He likes the ego trip, and he probably wants to keep her as a possible shag for times when he's got no one better to do.

JohFlow Thu 19-Sep-13 14:44:31

Is your friend scared to be on her own OP? x

AgentZigzag Thu 19-Sep-13 14:45:41

Without being too harsh to you, it is too harsh.

It's no holes barred but trying to cover that over with not wanting to offend her.

You've forced her to choose between you and him, by calling him a 'spineless little shit' and saying you're going to let rip at him if you see him, there's no way she can see you both at the same time, and she can't talk to you about him either.

There's nothing subtle about the email, I can't believe you thought she'd be OK with you saying that about someone she loves.

He probably is a wanker, but she loves him, and now you've left her to him.

NatashaBee Thu 19-Sep-13 14:51:45

god help him if i ever see him in public, i will verbally tear him to bits. and i genuinely hope he ends up with no body and nothing, he will the way he carries on

That was probably unnecessary, but no, I don't think it was harsh. She may not like it but you're right.

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