To not apologise to dsis who is pregnant?

(158 Posts)

Dsis has married a nice enough man from Turkey.

I say nice enough as I don't really know him nor does she and there's a language barrier to prevent any major communication.

She has fallen pregnant after believing until fairly recently that she can't conceive. This is obviously brilliant! I'm thrilled for her.

However, she's having a boy and although she says he won't be raised as Muslim she is having him circumcised.

She knows nothing about it save that that's what her dh wants. I don't agree with it and while I know it's none of my business, she was asking opinions the other day and I told her my honest views.

It wasn't an argument but the conversation did turn a little heated resulting in her storming out.

My mother wants me to apologise, not because I was horrible or anything but because she's pregnant.

I'm not apologising because a) she asked for opinions and then got really defensive b) she's pregnant not sick and c) those are my views. I'm not sorry for them.

So, AIBU?

ChunkyPickle Tue 17-Sep-13 12:38:00

Sam - but I (and presumably OP) am unsupportive of circumcision - it's a completely accurate view to hold of me, and not one that I would be prepared to apologise for!

fluffyraggies Tue 17-Sep-13 12:48:15

I don't think OP should appologise for her views. I think she should clear the air with her sister by saying she is sad that they have fallen out. Be sorry her sister is upset. What's wrong with that?

Stamping up and down and shouting your views in a general discusion (here or in RL) is absolutely fair enough. If however it is something which is effecting a family member such as your sister, and you have a chance to perhaps influence her decision, or at least ensure it is carried out safely, then it's better to take off the militant hat and go gently. Surely? Much more to be gained that way than by ranting.

Would apologise for your opinion upsetting her but not for your opinion.

IceBeing Tue 17-Sep-13 12:55:46

yup I would favour the 'I am sorry it got heated'.

certainly nothing wrong with giving your opinions on the matter when asked.

thegreylady Tue 17-Sep-13 13:01:00

Turkish boys are not circumcised at birth.These days it is normally done between ages 5 and 8 in a clinic by a doctor.An anaesthetic is used and there is a huge party for the boy.
I deplore circumcision as you do but if your dsis lives in Turkey the pressure from family will be enormous.
I would just go down the 'agree to differ ' road andlet it go.

Hi everyone. To clarify a few points:

I don't dislike him. I don't know him but he seems ok enough. I DO dislike the "what he says goes" mentality that appears to be the basis of their marriage.

The circumcision will take place in Turkey. We live in Ireland where they plan to live as far as I know.

I don't think voicing my opinion was U, however you're all right in that it could have been handled better.

I think the NHS (love that) apology is the way to go!

geekgal Tue 17-Sep-13 14:22:06

I love NHS apologies, never heard them called that before, just non-apology apologies - NHS rolls off the tongue better, may have to start using it grin

I agree with the posters who say to apologise for upsetting her but not for expressing the opinion, she did ask after all, and if she's grown up enough to make these kind of decisions then she's also grown up enough to hear when someone disagrees with her. Stick to your guns on that one!

Fairylea Tue 17-Sep-13 14:28:35

Well actually I don't think you should apologise. She needs to hear from people who don't agree with it.

Personally (and I appreciate this is an extreme view, oh well) I would find it impossible to remain civil or more to be friends with someone who chose to circumcise for cultural or religious beliefs (medically necessary reasons excluded of course). I just think non medical circumcisions are barbaric and wrong and there is no way I could be friends with someone who decided that it was okay to do it.

So I do understand where you are coming from.

DH works for the NHS and I used to, so we both know exactly what we mean smile

PresidentServalan Tue 17-Sep-13 14:49:05

YANBU - she is pregnant, not made of cut glass! She asked your opinion, you gave it! Isn't that what sisters do?!

MortifiedAdams Tue 17-Sep-13 14:53:34

You say "Im.sorry if.I upset you, maybe I was a bit blunt, however you did ask me my opinion and I wont lie to you - I disagree with it. Im happy to talk to you more about why, just as you should be happy to disregard my opinion if you wish. Please lets not let this come between us".

Life's too short to fall out over things like this. Ring her up, say let's agree to disagree, and move on.

I feel I should point out that we've never been particularly close and had blazing rows as children and teenagers.

However we're not estranged either so definitely don't want this to be a massive issue between us.

The reason I mention our colourful(!) past is she tends to jump on the defensive immediately. Not just with me, she's a bit known for it in our family.

My other dsis mentioned that she didn't like the name she's chosen and all hell broke loose!

ageofgrandillusion Tue 17-Sep-13 15:34:57

Assuming you gave it as a straight forward opinion, i dont see what the issue is. Bet this marriage ends in tears anyway.

Assuming you gave it as a straight forward opinion

Yes, I did this. And not rudely either, I don't think.

I'm frustrated, I won't lie. Because she's willingly agreeing to go along with something she has no clue about. And I really do think that if you want to bang on about "my child, my choice" you should make sure your choice is an informed one!

someoneelsegottherefirst Tue 17-Sep-13 16:13:21

I wouldn't even do the 'NHS apology'. She asked for your opinion and has no business getting pissy when you gave it to her.

I think it's a barbaric things to do to a child and if she is upset by hearing that pov, then so be it.

quoteunquote Tue 17-Sep-13 16:15:49

Just say sorry I upset you with my point of view.

wannaBe Tue 17-Sep-13 16:26:39

I don't get this notion that we should respect someone's decision because it's religious or cultural. Either something is wrong or it isn't - child mutilation doesn't suddenly become something else just because it's done in the name of religion.

I wouldn't apologise. She asked for opinions and she got them, she can't throw her toys out of the pram just because she didn't get what she wanted to hear.

And since when was pregnancy an excuse-all?

I'm thinking

"Hi XXX just want to check in and say that I hope we won't be on bad terms going forward. I'm sorry you find my view offensive but it's how I feel. I'm sure it will suit us both not to discuss it further. I do think though, for your own sake that you should look into it more before you agree".

I know the last bit is a possible can opener for worms! But she's going into this blindly and I don't think that will benefit my future nephew!

geekgal Tue 17-Sep-13 17:27:38

Sounds good OP, leaves it to her to accept or not without compromising your opinion. Hope it all goes ok for you!

Thank you geek!

BrokenSunglasses Tue 17-Sep-13 17:36:20

Yanbu.

It would be unreasonable to apologise for something that you are not sorry for, and that you would probably do again.

If your sister didn't want your opinion, she shouldn't have asked.

BrokenSunglasses Tue 17-Sep-13 17:40:40

She really does need to know what's involved with circumcision. A muslim but non practicing and very westernised friend of mine has had both her sons done because it was what her DH wanted. She had to hold down her screaming babies while it was done, as all they has was a little bit of numbing cream which she doesn't think had any effect. She found it quite distressing, and now that her youngest is a toddler, she still wonders whether she did the right thing.

mrsjay Tue 17-Sep-13 17:46:10

waltermittymissues I think your apology to her is fine and I do think your sister needs to realise what she is going to do to her baby , fwiw I agree with you I just don't think it is worth falling out with your sister over, if her husband is overbearing she will need her family , even if you don't agree with her

Brokenglasses - she had to hold down her baby!?! shock

waltermittymissus - are they going over there purely for the circumcision? Completely agree with you on this one.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now