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to be getting irritated with new man because he is too nice?

(53 Posts)
Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 08:38:39

I have been seeing someone new for about a month, but he is just too nice, like ridiculously nice. And its irritating me. I sound like a complete bitch I know but I like to have to work for it a little iykwim....I am all for him being a gentleman, but I prefer a little harder work than this! How do I get him to stop??? He is going to put me right off him which is a shame because he is so lovely, attractive, intelligent.....just a bit of a walkover me thinks

After 16 years of marriage - I can say that it's wonderful to be with a man who is kind, gentle, honest and trustworthy. He has a brilliant sense of humour, is generous and loving. He is also the smartest person I know and I respect him utterly as he is no pushover. We have different opinions on many things but that's healthy. When I had cancer he looked after me with love and care - I couldn't have asked for better. Him having these qualities does not make me a bitch - what a weird idea. In fact, we both try hard to treat each other with respect, love and honesty at all times - because we think that is what we deserve.

If you want a long term relationship with this man, ask yourself if you can imagine looking after him as he goes through a serious illness or if you can imagine him doing that for you. Do you think of him as your best friend?

Dahlen Tue 17-Sep-13 13:23:11

There was some research done once that suggested one of the reasons some abuse survivors develop a pattern of seeking out abusive partners is because of brain chemistry. Apparently, the part of the brain that produces the fear response is also involved in excitement (makes sense), and in people who have been abused, the crossover becomes confused. Because people who have been abused long term (often starting in childhood) crave what is familiar, they chase people who evoke that fear response but because it is an adult male, it is mistaken for sexual attraction and excitement.

Obviously, it's a lot more complicated than that, and in no way could you say it applies to all women who have been abused, but if any of that resonates even a little bit with you, it is worth seeking out some expert counselling. The good news is that it's not impossible to overturn deep-rooted patterns like this, although it does take considerable effort. Well worth it if the result is a happier, less chaotic life though.

SignoraStronza Tue 17-Sep-13 13:17:22

I used to think this about my dh. Until we got together (12 years down the line) and I realised that he is what I'd call 'quietly stubborn' and is by no means a pushover.

Although I could kick myself for not jumping on him going out with him when we were younger, I realise Id have probably not been very nice to him and taken his genuinely lovely nature for granted. I.e, would have chucked it away.

As it was, I spent seven years with a hard work, controlling, abusive arsehole and lived with the drama.

HatieKokpins Portugal Tue 17-Sep-13 13:14:21

How the hell do you know all that about him from the phrase "too nice"? Jesus.

Wellwobbly Tue 17-Sep-13 13:04:18

Follow your gut, it is telling you something.

You are basically picking up with your irritation that this man completely denies anger as an emotion, which means that he is not in touch with himself as a whole person, and won't be able to do give and take.

His contract which he probably isn't even aware of is: if I give and give and give, then you will love me and make me happy. It comes from way back in his past.

It means he negotiates by manipulativing, and 'hoping' you will give him what he needs instead of upfront owning it and asking.

The downside of that? SULKING and WITHDRAWING.

'Too nice' means: huge passive aggressive issues, he offloads the anger on to you. That is why you are getting irritated.

Lottapianos Tue 17-Sep-13 13:03:34

OP - I cannot recommend counselling/psychotherapy enough. I have a history of emotional abuse within my family and within relationships and it's so difficult to find your way out of unhealthy thought patterns by yourself. I would strongly advise you to spend time working this through with a trained professional. And keep posting - lots of us are in the same boat.

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:00:20

I know more fool me.....

I have been in abusive, violent and otherwise, relationships forever really

TalkativeJim Tue 17-Sep-13 12:37:08

More fool you OP.

LadyBigtoes Tue 17-Sep-13 12:33:14

Yes this completely depends on what you mean. If you feel uncomfortable being treated with respect, and have an attraction to actually unpleasant men, then you should probably give Mr Nice more of a chance.

OTOH I need a man with an opinion and a backbone - I did once dump a lovely, lovely boyfriend because although he was genuinely kind, thoughtful and intelligent, he would not disagree with me. He bowed to everything I thought or said, he would ask me what to do with his life then do what I suggested. I didn't want that responsibility and it felt like being with a child.

Also as has been said, abusive types can have an almost eerily smooth, generous, charming exterior at first which it's good to learn to recognise, so if we're talking about this, then you may also have reason to be suspicious.

Dahlen Tue 17-Sep-13 12:20:33

I think you need to define nice a bit more. If you actually mean weak, that's a good enough reason to end it because it can lead to a complete loss of respect, without which love cannot survive.

However, you can be weak and not nice. There isn't a link. Some of the nicest people I know have backbones of steel.

If you actually mean he's just a genuine guy and you find that boring, I honestly feel you may need to look very long and deep into your past relationships and possibly your childhood to learn why you associate excitement with being treated badly.

Lottapianos Tue 17-Sep-13 12:17:15

I guess you need to ditch him and find someone less agreeable then OP. You can't expect this bloke to change for you. I'm serious though - you need to think very long and hard about why you want to be 'challenged' in a relationship. Good luck because I think you may need it thanks

wonderingsoul Tue 17-Sep-13 12:17:05

i so get this, i think ybu but not for horriable reasons.

my ex after exh was way to nice, was a real gentleman, he did the little stuff, never once raised his voice to me, never played games, was allready commited to help me with stuff before i even asked him (think house move, picking me up from hospital and staying with me after a op with included genral)

it unerved me, and felt he was to nice, id say so much to my friends and they would tell me to shut up and deal with it, becasue he was the perfect man for me, offer thasn working to much.

i think you need to look into your self, are you used to being treated badly? so his niceness makes you nervous? it did me, i was allways waiting for him to turn. i also felt like i didnt know where i stood, like if i pissed him off i was never sure if he would tell me.

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:09:30

there is a definite spark, i just don't want someone so agreeable, I need to be challenged

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 17-Sep-13 11:59:55

DropYourSword - brilliant! Kind over nice. I've never thought of it that way but that distinction is so true.

aPseudonymToFoolHim Tue 17-Sep-13 11:58:39

I am scared I will become a bitch unless he gets a backbone.....

Have my very first biscuit

DropYourSword Tue 17-Sep-13 11:55:36

I think the problem is that sometimes "nice" men are just opinionless / spineless / not genuine. I really hate that whole "I don't get why I'm single, I'm so nice" from men who are sometimes just a bit desperate and needy. I think it's far more important to be kind than "nice".

Xmasbaby11 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:54:55

I don't know what you mean by 'too nice'. I think the issue is, there is no spark. Give it a bit longer and if he still doesn't do anything for you, move on.

ZZZenagain Tue 17-Sep-13 11:50:33

maybe he is not for you

How do you get him to stop being nice? I hope you don't really.

CuChullain Tue 17-Sep-13 11:48:52

<wanders onto thread, reads OP, walks off while muttering that some women are clearly mad a box of frogs>

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:44:09

I have known him years I should have added, he is my little sisters best mate. He was taken for a mug by his complete bitch of an ex and I am scared I will become a bitch unless he gets a backbone.....

I need to go with the flow as a previous poster suggested.....

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyGrotter Tue 17-Sep-13 11:31:22

DP is nice, he's too nice to other folk, as in, gets mugged off a bit too much, but he's starting to realise this.

Prior to DP, I went out with some right fuckers, I can't appreciate DP enough, he's lovely, bloody lovely. Try it out, I'm a bit of a narky bint, but DP calms me lovely!

neolara Tue 17-Sep-13 11:26:41

If he's irritating you after a month, you need to find someone else and let him find someone who loves him for who he is.

I do know what you mean about been too nice. I was seeing someone who was too nice, so nice he became creepy grin

But that's not what I get from this. If you don't want him I will send you my address so you can mail him to me

My abusive ex led me onto the relationship board and into reading a lot about different types of abuser.

I think if I met an overly nice man now, I would keep him at arms length and see it as a possible red flag.

It depends in what way he is overly nice and if he is like that with everyone, there should be a difference in the way you are with a partner.

As long as he has shown he has a defining personality and his own mind/wants.

It's early days and as for him deserving someone who loves him, it is too early to declare that anyway.

It depends on how well you know him and his background.

My ex is being charm personified to a woman he is chasing at the moment, he isn't showing any where near what the real him is, yet. People around her are considering warning her, but its tough.

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