DH leaving me alone with MIL AGAIN!

(19 Posts)
Redwhine Tue 17-Sep-13 07:00:54

I don't dislike my MIL, but she is difficult. She is a heavy drinker, socially awkward and a bit odd (for example, last time we went to stay she made us toast for dinner). We have nothing in common and struggle to make conversation.

Never the less, she loves my children and is a good nanny. I accept that when she comes to stay (I make sure we invite her regularly) I spend a lot of time with her, as I only work part time, and my DH works long hours. However, of the last dozen or so times she has come to stay, my DH has been out in the evening maybe half those times as well as out all day, meaning he sees her for half an hour or so at most.

The reasons he is out are genuine. I accept a late work meeting as inevitable. Birthday drinks pissed me off. The usual reason though is a rehearsal for a play he is in.

He is in an Am Dram group and often rehearsing two to three times a week. He never cancels to spend the evening with her when she is down. If it was the dress rehearsal I would understand, but this play isn't on for eight weeks and I think he could miss one rehearsal so he could spend some time with her.

I am going to be with her all day, it's not too bad when the kids are awake, but when they go to bed it is really stilted. She hits the bottle, I try to talk to her but usually end up going to bed at half eight in order to escape.

We have just had a row as DH says he is not missing the rehearsal and I am fed up. AIBU?

Morgause Tue 17-Sep-13 07:07:08

I can see him not wanting to miss rehearsals because he is letting down the rest of the cast.

Why does he not invite her down when he isn't rehearsing and has time to spend with her? Or invite her along to see a rehearsal?

Or book time off during the day?

Retroformica Tue 17-Sep-13 07:10:12

Can't she attend the rehearsal with him? She might be interested.

Or arrange her stays round the rehearsal dates?

Or put a film on to watch together?

Redwhine Tue 17-Sep-13 07:11:18

Rehearsals are always changing, so she will book a ticket and then he will have a rehearsal changed to that night.

He is in a profession where he cannot book time off during the day.

They don't allow outsiders in rehearsals until the dress.

I understand what you mean about letting people down, but I feel like he is letting me and his mum down. I also know for a fact that if he had a work commitment he would prioritise that over rehearsals.

Redwhine Tue 17-Sep-13 07:12:31

The film idea is probably a good one... Usually we just watch TV after dinner. However finding a film we both like may be challenging....

There are no professions where you can't book a day off with notice unless he has fixed holidays built into his rota. Everyone is entitled to holidays. And a couple of days off a week. So he invites her then or he cancels his evening commitments.

You are right, he is letting you both down

By couple of days off a week I mean weekend or equivalent if you're in a job where you work weekends

DontmindifIdo Tue 17-Sep-13 07:19:33

What if you had an evening event/do booked, would his am dram come first?

Id tell him next she comes to stay he has a choice, he stays in with her no matter what or if he finds at the last minute he has rehearsals, then he cancels his mum staying and refunds her wasted ticket. Also if he can fit his hobby around his family commitments then it's not a suitable hobby for a family man and he should stop.

carabos Tue 17-Sep-13 08:06:08

He's taking the piss. He won't take time off work because he doesn't want to spend time with his mother. He won't skip rehearsals because he doesn't want to spend time with his mother. He's insistent about his priority commitments because he feels guilty about not wanting to spend time with his mother.

You don't want to spend time with his mother either. The answer is staring you in the face.

Redwhine Tue 17-Sep-13 08:06:43

He is a teacher... After six weeks off, they kinda frown on such requests!

I don't mind his hobby. He really enjoys it and he works very hard. However, I think deep down he doesn't like spending time with his mum and this is a good excuse. This is sad, but he has his reasons. I just object to getting stuck with her myself!

MortifiedAdams Tue 17-Sep-13 08:12:13

So tell him in future all MIL visits are done in.hokiday time - no excuse for him not to spend time with her then.

CHJR Tue 17-Sep-13 08:22:46

I'm with you, OP. His mother, his responsibility. No rehearsals when she's visiting, whether that means changing when she visits or missing a rehearsal or a whole play sometimes! His choice which it is.

BrokenSunglasses Tue 17-Sep-13 08:34:48

If he's not going to make sacrifices to see her, then stop inviting her down during term time. She can come in the school holidays and still see plenty of you.

I make sure we invite her regularly

Why? It's a nice thing to do, of course, but you are bringing it on yourself to some extent.

ilovesooty Tue 17-Sep-13 08:41:12

I don't really think he should miss rehearsals. It lets the whole cast down and the only acceptable reasons imo are emergency situations or work expectations like parents ' evenings.
I would say his mum visits only in school holidays and he takes responsibility for entertaining her.

bragmatic Tue 17-Sep-13 09:05:44

Not being unreasonable. Would he entertain your mother for hours on end every time she stays? Thought not.

He should do the inviting, too, so he can make sure he's available.

Xiaoxiong Tue 17-Sep-13 09:14:30

DH is a teacher. Term times are sacrosanct - family and visitors are pretty much kept entirely to the school holidays unless they're people I want to see, or he organises it and takes charge. I'm amazed he has time for the play rehearsals tbh! I'd say stop inviting your MIL during term time entirely unless he does all the inviting and organising.

friday16 Tue 17-Sep-13 09:17:45

I make sure we invite her regularly

So stop doing it, then. He's clearly not that bothered if she comes and visits, because he goes out, so leave the problem to him. Inviting your husband's mother, whom you don't like, to visit and then getting annoyed that your husband goes out seems a bit martyr-ish. He can invite her, make the arrangements, and stay in. Otherwise, why is it your problem?

I agree with the other posters advising not to issue invites during term time. Unless the drama group have some additional breaks during term time?

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