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to ask those who do it all

(52 Posts)
city1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 22:56:08

How do you do it.
Frequently see threads where op is moaning that their dp doesn't help (wrong word I know) with housework childcare etc.
Invariably you will get some who say I am a sahm with a preschooler and I get it done. Dp works all day so he should be able to rest in the eve etc etc.
Well I a sahm with an 8 year old a 7 year old and a 1year old who thinks sleep is for wimps!
In the eve dh does literally nothing. I do bedtime of baby and supervise bedtime and do baths for older two. I cook for me and dc. Dh doesn't eat eith us.
The house is usually untidy and its a struggle to keep on top of laundry for 5.
He does do abit at weekends but most of the childcare and general day to day stuff is down to me.
Am I hopelessly inefficient or should dh be doing more?
He does also do garden and diy.

Your dh should be sharing the workload and parenting more.

I'm a lone parent with I Ds and I work nearly full time. No support, nothing.

Organisation is key in my house. One day of the weekend for fun and the other for sorting out stuff for the week ahead.

The good housekeeping threads on here have been very useful. Even simple tips like never leave a room empty-handed have helped me to get on track.

You can do it by yourself, but you shouldn't have to. Your dh is not a passenger, he's part of the family and he really needs to get involved.

Damnautocorrect Sun 15-Sep-13 23:02:39

By being realistic, expect little of the house and remember that fun with the kids is ultimately more important. As they are only little and want you around for a short time really.
Practical advice, big big clean once a week, then an hour / two cleaning bathroom, hoovering tidying up most days.

gordyslovesheep Germany Sun 15-Sep-13 23:06:56

If you are in a couple you shouldn't be doing it all - that is unfair

as a single working mum of 3 I have to stay on top of things and make sure I blitz the house once a week - it's hard but lists help!

sameoldIggi Sun 15-Sep-13 23:07:40

Why wouldn't he want to be involved in his kids' bedtimes?

I loves a list gordy!

Feels so satisfying go cross things out!

I have two main ones - stuff to do today and stuf that needs doing when I get five mins.

gordyslovesheep Germany Sun 15-Sep-13 23:12:56

yes Theincidental and 'meals for the week' 'daily stuff needed for school' grin

yummumto3girls Sun 15-Sep-13 23:22:20

I am SAHM to 3, DH still comes in from work and mucks in, he has a shower and then reports for duty and asks what he can do to help!! Usually setting table, washing up, bathing toddler. Nobody sits down until its all done.

blobfish Sun 15-Sep-13 23:22:40

your DH should be doing an equal share - why wouldn't he want to bathe his children and read to them?

CocacolaMum Sun 15-Sep-13 23:25:58

I think there ARE people who do it all but I do think that a persons idea of what "all" is can differ hugely!!

If you feel like you're doing too much then change it, he's your kids dad not your employer.

Pinkbutterfly31 Sun 15-Sep-13 23:54:18

Hmm, I "do it all" which includes everything to do with two small children, a rottweiler, housework, cooking plus I'm doing a full-time degree.

My OH works long hours in a hard, very physically demanding job. It may sound a bit 1940's but I want to make sure he comes home to a clean, tidy home and not have to worry about cooking & cleaning. He'll always do any 'man' jobs without complaint and if I'm having an off day due to my Crohn's disease, he'll pick up the slack quite happily.

Sometimes it can all be a drag and some days I just can't be arsed but having things in order at home just makes life so much easier and less stressful.

expatbrat Mon 16-Sep-13 00:53:35

Oh I love a list smile
I have a timetable that I use as a general rule for each day of the week. Mondays = Downstairs polish, hoover, Wash floors
Tuesdays = bathrooms
Wednesday = Kitchen blitz etc

I don't stick to it religiously if something comes up we go do that instead but if you break it down to one day at a time it's doesn't take long.

I also write a weekly menu for the coming week at the weekend and make a shopping list so I (or DH) only have to go to the supermarket once a week.
Some rules in our house... If you do the shopping, the other person puts it away. If you cook, the other person does the dishes. If the towel laundry basket is full, Wash it etc When my first Daughter was born and about 3 weeks old it occurred to me (probably hormonal meltdown) what would happen if something happened to me?
It was me that always gave her a bath and settled her or got up in the night. I handed DD to DH pointed out the baby bath and told him to figure it out! Then spent the next hour as a nervous wreck gibbering in the corner of the living room determined that my kids would have 2 equal parents (just incase)

Here's what you need to ask yourself and your DH if one of you (God forbid) wasn't here. Would the other person KNOW your child?

HicDraconis England Mon 16-Sep-13 04:53:28

If "DP works all day and should be able to rest in the evening" - what do you think you do all day with 2 juniors and a baby? (1year = baby when my youngest is 5!). You are as much entitled to rest in the evening as he is.

I work all day. I come home (DH is sahd and homeschooling) and cook / take over kids while DH has a break. We all eat together, I do bath / bed routines while DH clears up after dinner. Boys are kissed goodnight and then we both prep for next day (my lunchbox, sort out what he's doing with boys) then we both get to rest. At the same time. Together.

DH won't sit down if I'm up and doing something, even if it's something I enjoy. He'll be up getting in my way helping.

DH does laundry, day to day childcare, dog care, keeping on top of house, shopping. I do earning our income, cooking, share with clearing up, childcare when I'm home. Between us we are working for the same hours each week and getting about the same hours "resting". Your DH needs to step up a bit!

ILoveMakeUp Mon 16-Sep-13 05:00:35

Flylady. It is the only thing that worked for me.

Also, although I do believe the person who works should help a bit, going out to work can also be exhausting. When I worked full-time and my DH stayed home, I just wanted to collapse when I got home, not cook dinner and deal with a sink full of washing up and a stressed and cross partner.

ILoveMakeUp Mon 16-Sep-13 05:02:33

Also, I think you need to be specific about what you want your DH to do. I find asking for 'help' doesn't really mean anything, you need to be specific. For instance, could you get your DH to do bathtime and read them a story whilst they are in the bath. You can then get 30 mins to yourself. It's also not very taxing and is good bonding time for your DH and the kids.

HicDraconis England Mon 16-Sep-13 05:15:13

ILoveMakeUp my job is exhausting. Full on, high stress, mistake = death stuff. I arrive home wanting to collapse. But DH is just as tired after a day with the boys/dog/house/garden/stuff, why does my want to collapse override his just because my work requires a car trip to get there and back while his doesn't?

I keep going, as does he. We collapse together in a team building heap at the end of the day.

I agree with whoever said up thread "your DH is not a passenger".

sleepywombat Mon 16-Sep-13 05:19:18

I am SAHM with two toddlers (& baby on way). I start delegating to dh as soon as he gets in the door! He doesn't mind, he has admitted that he thinks his job is a lot easier than mine.

blobfish Mon 16-Sep-13 07:12:48

Don't listen to these women who think because their DH gets to escape each day goes out to work you need to do everything. You're a partner in a relationship where one of you works outside the home during the day and the other works inside the home. Once he gets home you should share the load and enjoy the precious end of day routine with your DC. Your kids deserve some time with their daddy and they don't need to see you as everyone's handmaiden.

MotherofBear Mon 16-Sep-13 12:59:21

What blobfish said. You work from the minute you get up till the minute you go to bed, from the sounds of it. Your DH only works from when he gets to work until he leaves work. Unless that's 12 or more hours a day, it's a bit unfair!

Beastofburden Mon 16-Sep-13 13:07:53

caring for a one year old is hard work. In your shoes I would ask for a cleaner for the next 12 months, until the baby is old enough to allow you to get on with things without sabotage. On laundry, I would cease ironing, forever, and dont buy stuff that is high maintenance. If Dh has shirts that want ironing, get the cleaner to do it or send them out to the dry cleaners.

Why doesnt DH eat with you? I would feed the DC early and eat with him instead. You need to create some adult time; then he might help get things ready for it.

city1984 Mon 16-Sep-13 13:28:54

Dh probably does 13 hour days including commute.
We don't eat together during the week as he tends to snack and I like to do a proper cooked meal for me and dc in the evening.
In the evening dh normally cooks the evening meal but never thinks to feed baby or offer dc breakfast or lunch.
I think he has changed about 10 nappies in the last year.
It is getting to the stage that I really resent him. He has never done baths. Used to do bedtime for eldest when middle one was a baby but just seems so switched off now. 3rd wasn't planned.
I guess he got used to me doing it all when older 2 started school and doesn't seem to want to change.
Thank you for tips and advice.

city1984 Mon 16-Sep-13 13:30:12

Baby sadly often doesn't settle till about 10pm so adult time just doesn't happen.

BopsX3 Mon 16-Sep-13 13:39:58

It doesn't matter whether youre a SAHM, single parent, working parent, have a partner etc, it took 2 of you to decide on having a child/ren so there should be 2 of you looking after them, chipping in with the extra housework kids bring with them, doing the bath time/bedtime routine, etc etc or helping with maintenance, seeing them at weekends etc

I know it doesn't always work put like this for some people (myself included) but thats just my opinion and how I feel it should be like

LimitedEditionLady Mon 16-Sep-13 13:42:38

I " do it all" including DIY and financial organising,the lot and work part time with one ds.Ive asked a million times can OH do a bit more,falls on deaf ears.i have however ensuted that bathtime is his job.Gives me half hour to wash up etc and get some peace.i just manage by doing bits of tidying in the day like wiping the worktop,putting washing on,tidying toys as we go and do the bulk at night when Im usually sat by myself anyway.Cant say Im happy with the arrangement tbh but hey i do ok and can cope on my own if i ever need to.

Beastofburden Mon 16-Sep-13 13:47:24

Its quite normal, though, to settle the elder two by 7pm, declare Adult Time (=wine) and ignore DC3's burbling or yelling. We used to leave DC3 to it in his downstairs accommodation (= old pram) and put him to bed when we went ourselves.

In your shoes I would try to get it all done when the older ones are at school. Plan things so that your own evenings and weekends are free from chores too. Before you throw something at me, I dont mean by being superhuman. Get a cleaner during the day- DH can pay for it, if he prefers this to doing it personally. Getting Dh to do housework himself is not the only solution to your problem and it may be the most difficult. I can see that you resent him not helping, but I would separate out the tedious from the parenting side, and just ask him to be involved in parenting, not in housework.

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