to be terrified of what having dc3 at 33 is going to do to my body?

(38 Posts)
dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 10:41:31

i am only 8+3 and feel terrible for feeling like this as i MCd a few months ago and i thought this pg was much wanted, but i am so down and depressed at the moment, just feel so fat and ugly. even though i have not gained any weight yet i feel bloated and feel i look awful, so tired and rough

i had my other dcs at 26 and 29 so they did not too too much damage, other than stretchmarks and a bit of a saggy belly

i am only 5 foot 2 and 8 stone 2. so i am terrified of getting too big during pg as i will just look massive being so short and the bigger i get i know it will be more likely my body will be ruined

have been looking into doing pregnancy pilates but i dont know whether to even bother as not convinced it will even help or whether this last pg is just going to ruin my looks and body for ever

i managed through sheer luck and will power to only gain about 15 - 17lbs with dc2. i did that by calorie counting every day and walking a lot and swimming twice a week. but i have felt so sick and hungry i have had no will power at all and i will never be that lucky this time round. i just think its hopeless and wont make any difference this time as i have heard that its easy to bounce back in your 20's but not in your 30's

i wish i had had all my dcs in my early 20's. as i always wanted 3. but wouldnt have been possible

i feel like dh will stop fancying me and leave me. i met him when dc1 was one and i was only 27 and stick thin and young and pretty. he says he fancies me and loves me loads but i hate myself so cant believe him sad

Caitycat Sun 15-Sep-13 10:46:45

Well everyone's different but 33's hardly old (at least I hope it isn't as I had dd1 at that age and am hoping for further additions!) as long as you look after yourself I can't see you are much more likely to do permanent damage than you were in your 20s, pregnancy does always have risks though, whatever your age.

Almostfifty Sun 15-Sep-13 10:48:46

I put less on with each pregnancy and was the fittest I've ever been without exercising after my third child. I was 32 then.

FrigginRexManningDay Sun 15-Sep-13 10:48:56

Have you a history of eating disorder or unhealthy attitude around weight/food?

I think you need to speak to your care givers about this,as I think there seems to be a deeper issue.

gordyslovesheep Sun 15-Sep-13 10:51:01

I'm with FrigginRexManningDay - you post sounds like that of somebody with much more deep seated body image/food issues

Please talk to somebody in real life x

LookingThroughTheFog Sun 15-Sep-13 10:51:36

Dirtyface, I don't think this sounds so much about your body as about your self-esteem. It might be worth going to your GP and discussing how down you feel about all of this. You sound very depressed, and that's something that they can help with.

For what it's worth, I personally believe that thin=sexy is a massive, massive lie, sold to both men and women. The idea that it's not sexy to be able to grasp handfuls of flesh and bury your face into someone's soft, warm skin is just strange. In my opinion, a woman is sexy if she's happy, confident, and can walk the earth as if she owns it. Whether that woman weighs 15 stone or 8 stone is largely irrelevant. If she's happy and healthy, then she's going to be attractive.

So aim for that - happy and healthy. Not put down and starved.

thegreylady Sun 15-Sep-13 10:55:13

My dd had her dc2 at 35 and now 4 years later she is a beautiful, toned size 10. One of my close friends had her dc2 when she was 46 and now at 77 is a size 12 and I envy her figure. I had my dc2 when I was 29 and I never really got my figure back and am now a 16.'Tis up to you love. At 33 you are very young indeed. Congrats on pg and enjoy.

lljkk Sun 15-Sep-13 11:05:50

I mean this in the kindest way, but you aren't thinking rationally. Leave aside your worries about body changes and pretend something else is bothering you hugely (lack of support? sleep deprivation? other dis-satisfaction?). What could be the real problems, and what small things could you do to try to fix them? My guess is that if you can identify those real problems in your life, and get to feeling more on top of them, then the body worries will become minor.

It won't be easy to face up to them, though. That's why it's easier to worry about body shape things. Body worries are comforting if they are familiar, less scary than real problems you don't feel able to fix (but you can deal with them, honest).

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 15-Sep-13 11:15:54

The idea that it's not sexy to be able to grasp handfuls of flesh and bury your face into someone's soft, warm skin is just strange.

A bloke who married a skinny girl and is married to a lush woman (same person) writes: absolutely!

dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 11:26:47

i think DH likes skinny girls. i was dead skinny when we met

and his ex wife is really skinny, even at 40. she is like size 6 at most. envy . you can tell by just looking at her she was the type to have a tiny bump and pop out kids and just snap back with no effort (he has got an adult dc with her). i am not like that, i feel there is a fat woman bursting to come out of me, even though i am only 8 stone ish i am curvy with big boobs

dh told me once he had never had a girlfriend bigger than a size 8 - 10. i have never forgotten that

i do have bad self esteem "issues"

i am not happy unless i feel that i look good. to me good = slim. and i never feel i look good when i am pregnant

i also have to have caesarians so i have the delightful wobbly "shelf" sad i have even looked at tummy tucks (for after the baby) but they are like 5k and we do not have that sort of money

specialsubject Sun 15-Sep-13 11:31:42

please get help. This sounds like a spiral down into big problems.

if your husband is worth the name he won't care what shape or size you are - pregnancy does mean getting bigger!

these attitudes are very damaging and must not be passed on to your kids. Please, please get mental health help.

FrigginRexManningDay Sun 15-Sep-13 11:36:20

Sweetheart this is not rational thinking. Your dh should love you for you,not for what size you wear. If he doesn't,well there's a bigger problem. But please do get help,talk to your care givers please.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 15-Sep-13 11:40:07

God how depressing

FutTheShuckUp Sun 15-Sep-13 11:41:40

Life moves on. People change, time moves on. We can't have the same looks as when we were teenagers. If people can't accept that they need to work on it.

Dahlen Sun 15-Sep-13 12:03:50

Have you considered that you may be suffering from a touch of antenatal depression, brought on as a result of hormones acting on your body insecurities? Please mention how you're feeling to your midwife, who can get you some help. It's all well and good being able to rationalise this - you can do exercises, minimise weight gain, a partner who loves you won't care, etc - but if none of that resonates with your subconscious, it won't make you feel any better. The fact that your OP sounds so defeated already makes me think you need some specialist help to deal with this. That's nothing to be ashamed of - it shows a capable woman taking control of her situation before it becomes unmanageable.

dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 12:09:45

how depressing

futtheshuckup - i know sad its horrible, i feel like an awful person for feeling like this. i should be grateful to be having a baby and for the kids i already have and should stop being such a twat

but i am just being eaten up by insecurity and abnormal thoughts

also DH and I have not had sex for about 4 weeks (actually probably was about the time we found out i was preg) as i actually can't bear him near me. i don't even like him looking at me because i feel like he is lying when he says i am sexy etc. and also cos i feel so ill i don't want sex as well. plus the other dcs are being particularly demanding at the mo so we just never seem to get any time to ourselves anyway

but that lack of sex in turn makes me more insecure cos the more sex dh and i have the better our relationship is. so then i worry that cos our relationship is not great atm he will look elsewhere :/ and he is really good looking and he is the singer in a band so he is out performing in front of loads of people and women all dressed up when miserable, boring, pregnant, hormonal me who never gives him sex is sat at home with the kids. if he fucks off with someone better than me its my own fault

shelley72 Sun 15-Sep-13 12:17:48

Hmm , because obviously you got pregnant all by yourself confused.

I do think that you need to speak to somebody though, just because you sound like you could do with some support, you're not thinking rationally and your hormones are all over the place.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Loa Sun 15-Sep-13 12:19:51

You need to talk to your GP and/or your MW about this.

It's not normal and your DH is telling you he finds you sexy - you seem to be pushing him away. I seriously doubt he is looking at anyone else just cause you've not had sex for a few weeks - this is your insecurity speaking - you need to talk to him about how you are feeling to.

I had youngest at 33 - I got stretch marks with the first two pg - honestly there was no additional adverse stuff from having 3rd at 33.

My weight was no worse afterwards than before - dropped off when I stopped bf same as previous pg.

SHarri13 Sun 15-Sep-13 12:30:43

Hello op, I an resonate with some of what you say. My DC3 also came after a miscarriage and the pregnancy was my most difficult but I honestly believe in hindsight that I had an element of AND which stemmed from the miscarriage and the pretty traumatic stuff we had to deal with it afterwards (suspected molar). Have you considered that there may be an element of this for you too?

X

dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 14:44:27

sharri yes i definitely have some trauma left form the miscarriage. was very harrowing, i lost twins but it was a missed miscarriage not spotted til 12 weeks. i was treated badly by most of the hospital staff. it was horrendous. i had to wait days before they could confirm i had indeed MC'd. then after another few days had to come back in to hospital and was given drugs to basically send me into labour for hours, almost a day. and i had to pass the remains of my pregnancy down the toilet. i was on my own and they even forgot to bring me anything to eat. t was awful.

however i am not blaming that entirely, because i was like it to a certain extent with my other 2 dcs as well. with dc1 i was with someone who didnt treat me very nicely, i was ill with depression, terrified of giving birth to the point where they offered a c/s for psych reasons (hence the subsequent sections) and also he was unplanned. i left his dad shortly after his birth. tbh cos of the bad pregnancy and the bad relationship he came from, i still have trouble bonding with ds even now sad

then with dc2 i was in a happy relationship (am now married to him) but still had awful body image problems and memories of the last pregnancy. hence i dieted etc while pg and didnt gain much weight

but i have had low self esteem and "body issues" (hate that term) since i was a little girl. i am not sure why. have tried counselling many times over the years but it has never really worked for me

and yes i am pushing DH away. all he is being is nice to me and looking after me but i am being a miserable twat. i am also being a shit mum to my other dcs because i am always in a mood / feeling ill sad

i dont deserve any of them sad

dirtyface Mon 16-Sep-13 08:14:35

i have decided i am going to tell my midwife today but i don't know where to start or what to say, is she going to think i am awful?

thats if i can even get hold of her, tbh i doubt i will even be able to

SomeTeaPlease Mon 16-Sep-13 08:31:39

My mum had me at 36 and she's now 57 and looks fab still.

She also had 2 previous pregnancies (though one was a late-term loss).

MrsRoss26 Mon 16-Sep-13 08:43:14

Your midwife will not think you are awful, most likely she will have cared for other women with the same issues many times. Be as honest as you can with her, and be open to any suggestions she may have. And listen to your dh - if he's telling you he thinks you're sexy, it's because he means it. And remember that a pregnant woman is often the sexiest time to the father - it proves his masculinity! smile

Congratulations on your pg, and very best of luck.

absentmindeddooooodles Mon 16-Sep-13 08:43:42

My mum had me at 21...went on to have my dbro and dsis in 4 years, then had another at 42. She is a size 10. Has liylterally one stretch mark amd looks bloody fantastic.

I had ds at 21. My stomach and boobs are ruined although ive managed to shift most of the weight.

Its not all about age. Just keep as healthy as possible and thats all you can do. Talking to your midwife is a good step. I hope you sort all this out as you sound really down.
Your midwife will not think you are awful. Theu have heard all sorts and are therw to hwlp and support you. Good luck x

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 09:01:53

I didn't have any problems, but it's only one DS and I'm naturally thin.

I could feel by body slowing down and I put on weight (boobs) and the baby managed to grow well with basically one extra toast and soup a day.

You do need to be careful with the amount of food you eat. Because losing weight is much more difficult than maintaining (for normal people, not me).
Remember that you may also start to retain liquids, so you may feel big, but manage to drop down after birth.

And breastfeeding is great for losing the extra weight too.

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