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IABTotallyU... Flame away, get me a grip

(71 Posts)
WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:36:09

I've woken up in the vilest of moods. Grumpy, snappy, want to hide from the world and not see or speak to anyone.

DH in particular is winding me up. I just want him to STFU and leave me alone to fester.

My defence is that I'm exhaused. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of everything, ready to tip over into a breakdown. DD4 is 13mo and doesn't sleep unless I co-sleep and then she will sleep 2 -4 hours.

DH is a sleepwalker which is brought on by over-tiredness and stress. He's been sleeping in the spare room for months, we've slept in the same bed a handful of times in the last year, but since the last night terror when he punched me the move seems permanent. It has to be like this while DD co-sleeps but it also means he's sleeping full nights while I deal with DD and the other DCs who always come to me in the night if they've had bad dream etc.

If I'm honest I'm jealous of the amount he gets to sleep while I'm surviving on bog all, I've been up since 6am with the DCs as he's 'tired from stressful week at work'.

Please give me a good shake, snap me out of this shitty mood, give me a grip etc. I chose to be a mummy, this is what I signed up for...

gordyslovesheep Germany Sat 14-Sep-13 08:37:34

i'll give your 'd'h a grip and a wet fish slap - not you - he needs to take a turn in co sleeping and you need a lie in x

misskatamari Sat 14-Sep-13 08:40:14

No wonder you're feeling so awful. DH needs to help out with the co-sleeping and give you a break. He should definitely take over on some nights so you get a full nights sleep. Can you get him to take the kids out for a few hours today so you can have some time to yourself and a nice relaxing bath or something? Or just a big nap?

Trazzletoes Bosnia-Herzegovina Sat 14-Sep-13 08:40:16

gordy and what if he punches 13mo DD in his sleep? Is that ok because at least he's pulling his weight a bit more?

MorphandChas Sat 14-Sep-13 08:41:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 14-Sep-13 08:42:16

brew Have one of those and then have a bath. My DH has sleepwalking and night terror episodes...frightening they are. Your DH needs to see a doctor...there are things they can do. My DH has stopped alcohol and also caffeine and his has stopped completely!

He also doesn't eat after 7.00pm. Can you do as I say....then go back to bed....then later tell DH he has to see a doctor.

littlewhitebag Sat 14-Sep-13 08:43:22

DH obviously cannot co sleep. Too dangerous. However he needs to take charge during the day to allow you to catch up on sleep. Let him lie in now then ask him to take the kids out for a while. Seems reasonable to me.

missalien Sat 14-Sep-13 08:44:55

Right enough is enough you need to do shhhhh pat method on lo and get her in own bed . She does not need to be co sleeping . Prepare to stay up for the night doing it but its worth it . In her own bed , get a pillow to lean on edge of cot and when she wakes , gently shhhhh and pat her back . May take two hours first time but stick it out. Next time will be 45 mins, then ten mins , then sleep! Any medical problems ?

Do it. Enough is enough . And can Dh see go re sleep walking ?

hesterton Sat 14-Sep-13 08:46:07

Absolutely, he may not be able to co sleep but he needs to help you have a rest at some point in the day. I'm sure this stage will get better, many sympathies to you because it's so hard being chronically tired.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:46:55

Trazzle hits the nail on the head. He can't be trusted with any of the DCs at night. There's no warning for the night terrors, or walking. He's physically attacked me on several occasions, I wouldn't sleep anyway if he had one of the DCs with him in case he did something.

He could take over early mornings, yes. His excuse reason is he doesn't hear the baby in the morning so doesn't wake up in time to take over. I'm obviously awake with her and I take her downstairs so she doesn't wake the other DCs. He does work long hours / lots of stress but this also means I rarely get time away from DCs or out of the house.

But like I said, I chose to have DCs. I just need to get on with it somehow!

gordyslovesheep Germany Sat 14-Sep-13 08:48:40

wow Tazzletoes did you mean to be so rude - I missed that bit of the OP so bite me! I still think he can get up and do the mornings if he's had a full nights sleep - he needs to pull his weight - yes - hth

RoadToTuapeka Sat 14-Sep-13 08:49:08

Sleep deprivation is dreadful, you have done really well to hold it together as well as you have done.
I'd second the suggestion of DH taking DCs out during the day so you can sleep or do anything you want.

Can he take more responsibility for the morning getting up of children? I sometimes find I am so.shattered and in a foul mood after night feedings but someone else getting the toddler up helps a lot and I can gradually become cheerful again.

Hope things get better.

He very obviously needs to spend the morning in hell soft play while you go back to sleep.

And he should have gotten up at 6am to take over from you.

tripecity Sat 14-Sep-13 08:50:39

why do your DCs come to you in the night after a bad dream or whatever? Can you train them to go to your DH? I would be putting all my energy into making this happen, even if it takes months of training, because at present you have no respite and are trying to look after all your kids single handedly 24 hours a day, which is not sustainable (as you are finding).

Your DH sounds like he needs a kick up the backside. He needs to take on some of the night time responsibilities. Its clearly unfair on you.

Also I would go to bed with DD for her afternoon nap at the weekends so you can catch up on a few zzzzzzs. In fact thats what I am doing today - and tomorrow. Its the one opportunity to catch up and I am also knackered and have been up since 6 whilst DH slept in. saying that he is currently feeding our 3 little kids breakfast, so I think thats fair. You need to spread the work and the rest.

Show him this, he doesnt realise you are this tired - he cant if hes having a lie in after you have been up every single night with the DCs. Sleep deprivation is the worst. I found it easier to deal with if I came up with a plan and in your case it would be to train the kids into going in to DH when they wake in the night, not you. Its hideous if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, please make some light at the end of your tunnel (ooerr!!!)

Finally, your DH needs to get help with his sleep disorder, there are tablets he can take to stop it. My friend takes them, it stopped her sleep walking, sleep shouting, sleep thrashing about etc. You cant be permanently sleeping in separate rooms. He needs to see his GP to get the ball rolling to sort it out. (this creates another light at the end of the tunnel concerning another problem)

Sorrry this is so long, I just feel your pain. Best of luck Weare

He chose to have DCs too. You don't just have to get on with it.

Also, he's doing shorter days than you. Possibly with less stress.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:52:56

Sorry massive x-post.

DH has seen GP and had sleep study. They offered him night sedation and anti-epileptics (no other health problems) which DH declined. He's fairly fit, not overweight, doesn't drink alcohol and minimal caffeine.

I know sleep with DD needs addressing. I just can't face it alone. Tried gradual retreat for a few nights but she just screamed until she was sick.

Yes, he needs to help more in the day. I go back to work next month - starting a new job - and I'll be doing twilight shifts so its going to get worse before it gets any better.

This isn't the flaming I was expecting!

picniclady Sat 14-Sep-13 08:53:09

As someone who sleep walks/ talks and has been known to get aggressive during these episodes, I can second the view that your dh must not co sleep! However, the trade off is surely that he should get up early on the weekend to get dc breakfast, dressed and take them to the park or somewhere for a couple of hours so you can have a lie in and sleep and rest!

I can understand him being off duty in the night, but that does mean he should give you a break during g the day (afterall, he's had a full night sleep)!

picniclady Sat 14-Sep-13 08:56:03

I don't see a problem with co sleeping unless it's bothering you - I enjoy the snuggles and get more sleep that way :-)

tripecity Sat 14-Sep-13 08:57:16

Picniclady - I cant understand him being off duty in the night at all - why should he? It sounds like they have at least 3 kids - how can it be fair for OP to be on permanent night duty?

OP, get this sorted before the job starts, please! My DD cried till she was sick, but we persevered and she got over it and learned to sleep

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 09:01:36

Co-sleeping is definitely easier for now, I think. I'm still BFing and DD settles much quicker with a feed.

Other DCs cannot go in to him at night. For example - one night he was dreaming about being in a car. DC came into room, he thought he'd run her over. He was shouting and screaming, lifted the bed up trying to 'rescue' DC when actually she was pinned against the wall with the bed. Poor child was terrified. I really struggled to wake him from it, get DC away and cuddled. Absolutely awful. She's now scared of him at night, won't go anywhere near him.

I will talk to him today about helping in the mornings. Maybe he could set his alarm so he's awake and ready to take DD from me so I can sleep.

Nanny0gg England Sat 14-Sep-13 09:02:29

You must make him see that he has to help more in the day.

He can set an alarm at weekends so that he is ready for the DCs when they wake up. He can then take the baby when she wakes too. He can do some of the morning chores while you lie in for a little.

What does he do to help? Does he realise what he is asking of you when you go back to work?

BiddyPop Sat 14-Sep-13 09:02:45

So does your DH have any plan for changes when you are going back to work? Where will he be stepping in to help at that stage?

Trazzletoes Bosnia-Herzegovina Sat 14-Sep-13 09:07:26

I meant every word I posted and don't see the need to apologise.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 09:07:29

I've no idea what will happen while I'm at work. I don't really want to go back, but while DH's wage is excellent we just don't seem to manage on it so he's pretty much told me I need to earn a wage. Twilights and weekends are the only time I can work around the DCs - we have 4. DH's job means that he is never around for school run / after school and the cost of childcare for all 4 is more than I'd earn in a day.

He's a good daddy, adores the DCs. He's got the Hoover out and I'm hiding upstairs so he must know something is wrong.

Now he is awake, hand him the DC's and go to bed. Tired from a stressful week at work my arse. You are bloody exhausted and if he can't see that and pull HIS weight with HIS kids (he chose this too) then tell him to fuck off

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