ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
A moan(117 Posts)
Just wanted a moan and ask if other DH are like this?
We've got a little 6 month old. Which I stay at home and look after and DH goes out to work. Which he works hard, but he thinks I sit a round all day doing nothing. But little man seems to take up my who day.
What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.
But DH has never had to change a nappy, give little one a bath. He sleeps in a different room so not woken up at night. Which I don't moan at all to him. All though i think it wrong him not sleeping in the bed. So why is he a wanker and moans to me thinking he does everything. Forgot to add when DH has cooked tea he has a little play with little man then falls asleep in chair. He also moans about how hard he works!
Whoever gets home first cooks tea.
In this case, that's the OP. Any other time it should be the DH.
It's not unreasonable to "expect" that the person who has been in the house, next to the ingredients & cooking equipment might have used them while you've been out. He should take the kids as soon as he's got in & changed though, and should deffo pull his weight more when he's there.
OP should make Saturday her day to go out & chill while he bonds with DC if he want's Sundays.... (But he should still knock up a nice Sunday Roast)...
So loving the idea that babies get easy at a certain point
So bloody patronising to suggest that they all get easier. Mine didn't.
So loving the idea that babies get easy at a certain point. Mine is 4 months and still eats and sleeps like a newborn. Far from making dinner for my DH every night, he makes me lunch every morning before he leaves or I would starve. Babies are different. I can't believe how readily parents will patronise the Op by saying a six month old is a doddle. How can you possibly know what the Op's baby is like?
It's been said plenty of times on this thread: your DH needs to find out what it is like looking after a baby all day on your own. If possible, you need to leave him alone to look after the baby for the better part of a day so he can see the reality.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but a parent who is in at least one day a week, and presumably some evenings as well - if he hasn't got involved with doing anything with the baby by now... Why not? Why are you letting him have that whole Sunday off? Why aren't you making him do the bathtime and bedtime routine?
It's his son too. He has to pull his weight. And if he's not been so far, then step one is that you need to explain to him, calmly and rationally, that he has to start doing more.
RTFT. OP has said it's not about the dinner, it's about her husband not doing anything in the house and thinking she does nothing all day. jeez...
Though a man that did nothing with his child would not be in my home for long!
JR - that is a 5 week old though. You are only 5 weeks after birth.
OP had a 6 month old. Very different.
Agree you should be the one making the dinner. A 6 month old is a doddle.
Agree he should be doing bed time routines. You shouldn't have to do all baby things.
If you were both working you would split all household chores equally and all remaining childcare (after nursery/childminder) equally, but as you are at home all day you should do the house day things - this includes dinner) and he should do his own job.
After that home things are split equally again.
If you do no/little housework during the day and don't make dinner then I think you are being lazy. 6 month olds don't take every waking second of your time. Wait til they are a clingy toddler!
You need to go out for a whole day and leave him with the baby plus a list of other things to get done - ideally stuff you normally get done on an average day
It wasn't so much about who cooks tea. It was really DH thinking I do nothing all day but sit around. And that when comes home he should be excepted to do nothing.
I don't see why being at home means you have to cook dinner every night.
When I was on maternity leave we took turns to cook dinner, we still do. DS was one of these babies who hated me doing anything else so I rarely got a chance to cook. Plus we don't eat the minute DH walks through the door.
Your DH needs to step up and start taking care of your baby. He's a Dad, that means changing nappies and bathing. Not just doing the fun stuff. My DH comes home and baths DS every night, that's their time together.
You should be a team. Stop letting him get away with it.
I'm currently on mat leave with a 5 week old. 6 weeks ago if you'd have asked me if i would be preparing a meal for me and dh every day id have said 'of course, why not?'. Ask me now and ill tell you that i have no idea what we will eat once the meals that i prepared and froze before the baby came run out!
My current high achieving days are where i find time to get dressed before lunch!
Your dh clearly has no idea how much work it is to take care of a baby
I think this is a good point to state that DS was a busy baby - bored from about 2 weeks and unless asleep or BFing needing constant watching and/or distraction.
I thought I was a inadequate mother. Never napped when he did - to much other stuff to do. I really thought it was me.
Then my post natal group came round and saw him on his home turf, and to a woman said they didn't know how I coped. He was about 9 months at that point and I'd been back to work 3 days a week for 4 months and really appreciating the break.
He was getting on for 6 when he would amuse himself for more than 10 minutes at a time without another child there.
He has no sibling.
Gosh, when I was SAHM with a 6 month old baby, it was exhausting and if someone had suggested to me that I should have plenty of time to do dinner every night, I'd have assumed they didn't have dc or had forgotten what it was like or had a lot of help. My ds's dad and I took turns at cooking dinner. I suppose if I'd had another child I'd have had to cope somehow but probably wouldn't have done it very well. I certainly wouldn't want to cook dinner for a partner who didn't do any nappy changes and thought I did nothing all day.
Your husband seems to have little or no understanding of how much work it is to look after a baby, even one who is 6 months old. There seems to be no teamwork there at all. He needs to understand that maternity leave is NOT a holiday. It is hard work.
That said though, I think you both need to compromise a bit.
I am a SAHM. I cook dinner. However, when my children were very young I struggled a lot more than I do now. It is true though that when/if you eventually have an toddler and another baby you will have to adapt your routines to allow you to prepare meals for them (and for you and your husband) during the day. It won't/can't work otherwise. I was lucky in that whilst my kids were babies my husband's employer was still providing a free canteen for staff (they have closed it since, sadly) so he had a hot meal there in the middle of the day, leaving me with only myself and the kids to feed. I would do some prepping whilst baby slept, if I could. Then it would be bunged into the oven or whatever later. I'm not perfect though. Sometimes they just ended up with beans on toast, but so what!? You could do similar perhaps.
It would be far better if he would be willing to look after the baby in the evening whilst you finish cooking the dinner and he needs to see this. If you are bottle feeding he could feed and then soon afterwards change a nappy. If he starts pulling his weight more with regard to looking after the baby, then and only then can he be properly qualified to pass any judgment about you.
At least get him doing the odd nappy etc. at weekends. It won't harm him. At worst it is only a bit of poo.
Apart from when I've been ill, or if the DCs have been ill, I can't think of a time I haven't cooked tea when I've been home in the day and DH has been in work.
However, that's because I prefer it that way, it means we have more time in the evening, I'd rather DH spent his time bathing the DCs than cooking, I enjoy it, and because I am a control freak. However if DH ever told me it was my JOB to cook the dinner, he'd be wearing it on his fucking head!
OP, I think you need to work out whether your DH is merely ignorant about how you spend your time, or if he is just a complete fuckwit. If I were you, I'd sit him down and tell him you are completely happy to cook the tea every single night, and you will do so whilst he is bathing and playing with DS. You will ensure it is ready for him WHEN he comes down from settling DS.
I think I'd talk to my husband, tell him I feel overwhelmed, and try to brainstorm ideas (though batch cooking is a flipping godsend for us,) to make the day a little easier for everyone.
Communication should be key. Talking instead of "moaning" goes over a lot better in these situations.
Can't argue with that Romann but the OP was very focused on the cooking thing and how she can't possibly be expected to fit it into her schedule.
Why's everyone focusing on who cooks the dinner? The problem seems to be that OP feels like she's being treated like a doormat, but isn't quite sure whether it's appropriate to object. I don't see any rights and wrongs about who cooks dinner, but it seems to me that her H showing an interest in the baby and doing some fatherly tasks in the evening would make a big difference.
OP you need to talk to him and tell him you're not happy with the situation and to try to understand how he really feels about it.
Some dads don't really get it, especially with babies. My dh used to hand me ds1 as soon as he started crying. Like I wanted to be the one always having to deal with the crying baby . By ds3 he had improved to perfection
Sorry...that's pretty much what I said...
I wouldn't feel like cooking for someone who treats me like shit.
I think the Op should go back to work as soon as her maternity leave is over. Marriages to sexist pigs never celebrates their 25th wedding anniversaries nowadays.
Er,*Crackfox*, think that's pretty much what is said....
The simple fact is the one with the most time at home, most days, should be the one to cook for the other. And in this case it would appear to be her.
And as far as her job not being to 'look after him' goes - how would we feel if he came in, said 'don't worry love, I know you've been busy, I'll sort myself out' and cooked his own tea, and didn't cook her any? I can't imagine that would go down too well would it?
So she doesn't have to 'look after' him because she's busy with a baby, but unless she's prepared to starve all evening presumably she'd quite like him to look after her? God forbid he should sort himself out and leave her to fend for herself.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.