DH coming home from night out at 4.20am

[Mumofhree]

AIBU to be furious with my DH coming home from a night out at 4.20am? I am 40 years old, have two small children (4 and 2) and am 35 weeks pregnant. I find it difficult to sleep now anyway but impossible to sleep when he is out as I know what will happen.

So tmw will be full of arguments and he will try and find himself time to recover from night out.

This isn't te first time it has happened

[Mumof3xx]

I would be angry

[Catsize]

I would be really cross too. He is a father, and assuming he is to be at the birth has extra responsibilities. He is not an 18 year old on freshers week. Poor you.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

YANBU I'd be furious too. I'd be locking the door and going to bed after stupid o'clock, you need the sleep.

[Lavenderhoney]

You could have gone into labour! Thoughtless toad.

I wouldn't have a row today, you and the dc don't need the stress. Can you go somewhere like your mums for the day, without speaking to him first? Don't forget to take the coffee, milk and paracetamol with you.

Let him call you. Have dinner out too, come home, bath, bed. And use the time to think up what you want and if he can give it.

[prissyenglisharriviste]

Depends what he was doing, really. If it was an occasional night out with a group of blokes he hasn't seen in ages, then Yabu. If he does it every Friday, just divorce him.

Pregnancy gives me the rage, so everything gets blown out of proportion, but a once in a while blowout won't hurt anyone, and you can of course do the same once you feel like it, with your friends.

Don't blow it out of proportion if it was a one off. You'll sound like a mentalist if you start a lecture about curfews and whatnot. And tbh if dh told me I had to be in a certain time, I'd probably laugh. I'm an adult. I hardly ever go out, so I don't need him turning into a nursemaid and scolding me if I lay one on once in a blue moon.

No harm in subtly winding him up tomorrow though. I'd wake him up at 7 to go shopping/ buy baby things/ look after the toddlers because you feel dreadful. And remind him that he has to be able to function as a parent even if he HAS been up all night partying . There'd be no lying abed.

[SizzleSazz]

I agree with Mrs W

[MisselthwaiteManor]

She says it isn't the first time so I assume it's a regular thing.

[Screwfox]

He had a phone.
Honestly. You lot treat your men like possessions

[dyzzidi]

Ok so I prepare to be flamed here.

When I go out I regularly roll in around this time. I don't go out very often maybe three times a year and when I have a sitter or if dh is home and I'm out with friends I really go for all the things I don't do when I have children around. Nothing unusual but generally dinner, chatting and catching up with friends then dancing till late.

Unless I have told dh a time (which I never do). I work on the basis i have my phone, children are looked after by a responsible adult and I never get so drunk that I couldn't jump straight in a cab and get home to deal with any crisis.

If he is hung over tomorrow try to cut him some slack and gently remind him that when you have had the baby you will need some adult time and possibly the next day curled up in bed while he runs around after you and hold him to it.

Not the general supporting you with the baby as he should already be doing that I mean maybe dinner with a friend then a lovely lie in with a good book while he takes the kids out so you have some alone time.

Unless you suggest something more untoward or he does it every week I would not be bothered.

I would feel so stifled if I felt I was on a curfew and to be honest I would probably do it more often just to rebel. Ie. if I'm going tongetbin trouble for coming in at 2.00 am I may as well stay out till 4.00 am as the consequences are the same.

I f you didn't want him to g out because you are pg you should have made that clear to him.

[MakeHayIsAWhaleNow]

I agree with prissy. I also don't sleep well if dh is out but it's rare and I've given up asking what time he'll be home as I then worry more as he's invariably much later than that! He tends to crash on the sofa though. I'll get my chances once this one cooking is older.

I do understand that being heavily pg increases stress levels though, esp if you have a history of early births (don't know if you do, OP). If it's a more regular thing it might be worth having that chat about avoiding drink for a few weeks as you really need a sober birth partner and how would he feel about missing the birth because he was out/drunk.... But don't hassle about an occasional good night out if that's what it was.

[GrandstandingBlueTit]

Have some of you forgotten what it's like to be about to pop, with two pre-schoolers to look after?

I wouldn't expect to be curfewed for the odd night out either - who would?

But this is extenuating circumstance, surely.

With the best will in the world - at 35 weeks preg with two small children to look after - this would piss me right off, too.

[CreatureRetorts]

The OP is 35 weeks pregnant. If the DH didn't say he'd be home at this time and was "missing in action", I'd be annoyed too. Why the need to stay out so late?

[racmun]

YANBU - My dh pulls stunts like this and it annoys me no end. He knows I don't sleep/settle until he's home and I always get the crap before hand , I'm not going to drink too much I won't be late etc etc.

It's not the fact that he's coming in late it's the fact that he then won't get up the next day which really drives me nuts.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a 3 year old and guess what dh is out tonight!!! I'm already dreading it......

I

[prissyenglisharriviste]

Well, the two small children are asleep - hardly requiring much looking after. And one would expect the partner to be asleep, too. So not really much to do, no real reason for him to rush back?

Dh used to work away - at one point he went away for a week when I was 39 weeks, with an 18mo and 3yo. She doesn't need him there.

I sleep badly when dh isn't there (if at all) but I know that's my issue, not his.

(Oh, and the bugger did get himself blown up and not get home on time once, so I do have reasons for thinking the worst if he's late... But again, my problem. Not his. And I'd want the same treatment in reverse, not him nagging me about my parental duties when everyone in the household is asleep and there are no parental duties to perform.)

Two of my babies were born in January. he did drink at the Christmas parties, and was unable to drive. The only time I was mildly miffed was when dd1 developed breathing difficulties in the night when I was 38 weeks with ds1. It was 2am, dh couldn't drive, and we lived 45 minutes from the hospital in a snowstorm (about -20). He held her upright all night and we took her in in the morning.

I mean, really, is it worth getting all miffed just because he's out late and in about 5 weeks you'll have a baby?

I do realise you've said darkly 'not the first time' but without any context as to whether this is a once a week, or he once did the same thing in 1997, it's impossible to comment sensibly n that.

I've done it before as well. About 4 times in the last ten years.

[MakeHayIsAWhaleNow]

Grandstanding, not at all - this describes my situation right now (although dd has now started school, but only 2 weeks ago so my memory of 2 preschoolers s reasonably clear....). I don't really see a problem if it's the odd night, although I agree that he still needs to take responsibility the next day - can't just sleep through it as that would be taking the piss. If it's a regular thing then yes, she needs to discuss this with him - but adult to adult, not setting a curfew. As a rare thing, why can't he have a night out? Given that we don't know how often he does this, it's a bit hard to decide whether OP is being unreasonable - assuming it's occasional though (I'm projecting my dh behaviour here) she would be unreasonable to have a go. But not to feel a bit annoyed, you feel what you feel.

OP, my suggestion fwiw is to book a nice mother-to-be massage for sometime soon so you also get a chance to relax and get a break. If you like that sort of thing, of course.

[MakeHayIsAWhaleNow]

Prissy, again, I agree with all you have said....

[Bowlersarm]

If it's a regular thing he is in the wrong.

If it isn't YABU.

[maddy68]

Really? I got in at 4 last Friday/sat night. My oh didn't (wouldn't) say a word.
Everywhere is open late when you are having a good time you lose track of time.
I do think you are being VU
He ad a phone I presume so he could be contacted?

Do you think you are just being tired, and hormonal?

[Shinyshoes1]

Does it happen often ?

I'm currently nursing a very bad hangover ...given the opportunity I would have come home at 4.20am too except I was carried home

Leave him be if it's only a one off

[MissOtisRegretsMadam]

Does he help and support you on a daily basis? Is he a hands on parent and do his share of the chores?
When he is out is he just drinking and socialising or is he getting paralytic and peeing in the wardrobe?

At your stage in pregnancy it is thoughtless but as a one off id let it go. If its a regular thing yanbu.

[Bambamb]

Well, the two small children are asleep - hardly requiring much looking after. And one would expect the partner to be asleep, too. So not really much to do, no real reason for him to rush back?

That's not true of the following day though is it, while he's sleeping it off?

Considering your current condition I think YANBU.

Also entirely depends on the occasion and regularity. My DP is going away for the whole weekend when I will be 35 weeks pregnant leaving me with 4 year old DS to look after, in a house we will have literally just moved into so boxes to unpack etc. I am not looking forward to it.
However this was planned before I was pregnant, before we bought the new house and he goes away about once every 2 years so I'm not going to make an issue of it.

[Runningchick123]

I think YABU, as someone said up thread, he isn't a possession.
However, I will change to YANBU if one of the following applies:

1. He does this more than once every other month.
2. You're other babies arrived several weeks early and you were concerned that this one decided to arrive last night and your husband wouldn't have had his phone / be too pissed to do the right thing.
3. He would begrudge you going out until 4am and would make it difficult for you to do so (if you were not pregnant obv)

As long as none of the above apply then let him enjoy himself before the sleepless nights start again as he will be needed more then.

[WeleaseWodger]

Right, so enjoying yourself all night and having alone time next day to sleep in, recover etc. DUMPING all childcare on your partner without any notice is ok, is.

Like fuck it is.

If you want to stay out drinking all night because you're an adult, you get the fuck up at the crack of dawn with your children and you take care of them. Like an adult.

[Bluemonkeyspots]

The whole "he knows I can't settle/sleep well when he's out" is really quite pathetic!

If that's really the case then that's you're problem not his.

4am is obviously late (early?) but by the time you get out a pub and go back to a friends for a couple it's easily done.

I really could not be done with the agro of having a huge argument about this, what a waste of a Saturday to plan to fall out when he's up. If my dh has been out late I take him in a coffee about 11am then plan the rest of the day around a country park or something for the fresh air.

No way would I be cutting of my nose to spite my face by taking the dc to my mums for the day therefore stressing myself out more by dealing with them alone while dh spends the day alone recovering. We are both adults and parents so even fun has a consequence which in this case is if you drink to much you still pick up your role as a parent at somepoint the next day.