And a rotten mum as well, to have assumed that DS must have done something wrong?

(15 Posts)
AgentZigzag Sat 14-Sep-13 01:24:38

I don't think you should feel guilty about what you thought, the way they were on the phone made you think it.

If something happens to your DC and the school phones you'd expect them to say they've had an accident/hurt themselves/are ill, so if they've not said that, what's left? That they've been up to something.

DD1s primary school always used to start off phone conversations as 'It's OK, no need to panic, but...' which I was always grateful for given the cold sweat that used to come over me in the few seconds between seeing who it was and answering (especially as DD has bad asthma).

Yes, I can see that they had to make a big deal about it because it involved genitalia. Same thing happened about 4 years ago with the same sort of flap, only that time I only heard about it when picking DS up from after-school club when I was given the message that the class teacher 'needed to speak to me about something' - but this was a 5pm on a Friday and I had to wait till Monday to find out; didn't want to quiz DS...
I am not implying that school is full of dangerous infant sex criminals, it's a big school with a lot of kids, and I can sort of imagine how, from time to time, one of them gets the idea that going for another child's private parts is an extra-daring transgression and/or an individual child may have a problem with personal boundaries. I think what happened today was a piece of playground nastiness, unacceptable (in that the child who did it was in the wrong) but that the school dealt with it fine (speaking to all DC involved and also all parents, and the aggressor is going to be kept in at dinnertime on Monday.)

elcranko Fri 13-Sep-13 23:11:13

I too think that most parents would have reacted the same way that you did. Being told that something had happened but that your DS wasn't hurt would make most mums assume that their DS must be in some sort of trouble.
They could have told you over the phone but maybe still asked you to pop in if they wanted to discuss the matter further.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Fri 13-Sep-13 21:02:53

It's the involvement of the nads, OP. Anything touching on the Sexual Offences Act means a school cannot and will not exercise discretion.

As for assuming he'd done something; he has, but not that. I was 9 once and I was always guilty of something.

To be fair, she did initially say she would talk to me at pick-up time but DS was due to go to after school club as I was working - and when I couldn't get her to tell me what had happened I said I would just come straight over (I work flexible hours).

DS is fine, I have praised him for doing all the right things ie staying calm and telling a teacher (he's very nearly 9). I think he was a bit upset at the time.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 19:59:22

I do in fact trust the school to address this sort of thing sensibly without having to involve parents

You do - but an awful lot of parents don't. Kids often give garbled versions of events & I bet they've had loads of situations when parents ring up in a fury after hearing that their child has had something heinous happen, only to be told that it wasn't quite like that. I expect they were trying to avoid that.

But, in your place, with a similar message, I'd have suspected the same automatically. Makes you realistic and not a rubbish mum.

BackforGood Fri 13-Sep-13 19:57:07

What Mushroom said. I'd have been cross with the school for a phonecall like that - I'd expect them to tell me on the phone, or (if they knew I was likely to be in the playground) come and catch me for a word after school. That really is a daft thing to panic a parent over.
But, back to your question, no, I'd have assumed it was something my dc had done too blush grin

mrspremise Fri 13-Sep-13 19:53:24

SolidGold, you would probably be amazed by the sheer number of parents who do NOT trust the school to deal with even the smallest of incidents... I am frankly in awe of your sense smile

MushroomSoup Fri 13-Sep-13 19:43:54

Oops!

MushroomSoup Fri 13-Sep-13 19:43:44

I think that this makes you a very realistic parent, and I speak as a HT!
You know your little darling can sometimes be a little shit, too! There are definitely parents that would be shouting about sexual abuse and suing the school because this had happened, which is why they had to deal with it in such an OTT way. (I would have told you I over the phone, by the way, with an option to come in if you felt you needed too!)

MushroomSoup Fri 13-Sep-13 19:43:29

I think that this makes you a very realistic parent, and I speak as a HT!
You know your little darling can sometimes be a little shit, too! There are definitely parents that would be shouting about sexual abuse and suing the school because this had happened, which is why they had to deal with it in such an OTT way. (I would have told you I over the phone, by the way, with an option to come in if you felt you needed too!)

phantomnamechanger Fri 13-Sep-13 19:43:28

Natural reaction from you i think!

The school cant judge though who would think "FFS why did they bother me", and who would think "why did they not call me into school immediately" - there have been 1000s of threads on here to prove that parents handle things differently and do not always agree with the schools POV

meditrina Fri 13-Sep-13 19:41:56

Although it's great that your school is taking such incidents seriously, from what you describe I really can't see why the staff member could not have asked you to call in close to normal pick up time, rather than hauling you across town.

Hassled Fri 13-Sep-13 19:41:01

TBH I think if I'd had that call I'd have assumed it was something my DC had done. Don't beat yourself up on that account. But why the hell she couldn't have told you over the phone I have no idea.

I got a call from the school this afternoon, to tell me that there had been 'an incident' - that DS was not hurt but the woman who rang did need to speak to me today. She wouldn't tell me over the phone.

So I went hurtling over to the school thinking, shit, what's he done? To be greeted by the Child Protection Officer.
And it turned out that DS had been, well, grabbed 'in the privates' by another kid, and that they needed to assure me that the incident had been logged and the other boy reprimanded etc. I'm happy they've dealt with it, but feel a bit guilty for having assumed the worst of DS. He's a good kid, but he himself is sometimes a bit over-affectionate and can be a bit assertive. So I did say to the CPO that we are awaiting assessment for possible dyspraxia/ASD and I had been concerned, but was glad to hear they had effective measures in place.
Now I'm also thinking FFS did they really need to haul me across town in a panic? I do in fact trust the school to address this sort of thing sensibly without having to involve parents.

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