To think this friend was/is being extremely rude and to distance myself from her in future?

(124 Posts)
LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:00:08

I am so cross with a friend. I think today has been the last straw regarding my friendship with her, but she's done other things too that have made me feel a bit uneasy.

Today she invited me round to hers for coffee and so that our 3 year old DDs, who are friends at nursery too, could play together. It was at her suggestion that I went round. I had nothing else planned but would have been happy to stay home, I'm not one of those people that needs to live in friends' pockets.

Anyway, we went round to her house and from the moment we got there I could tell she was in one of 'those' moods. We knocked at the door and she came, opened it and then walked off into her kitchen without greeting us. I was friendly as normal and said hello and started chatting and she didn't reply to me or even say hello to DD. I went through to her kitchen and she was in there cleaning the worktops and doing other jobs. Eventually we went and sat through in her living room and she was really moody the whole time we were there. She didn't once speak to DD, and was snappy with me and giving me one word answers. I tried a few times to start talking and she was so rude and arsey. She also kept talking about other friends of hers and how great they are and how she's been to this with X and been to there with Y. She didn't seem to want to get into any conversation with me at all. She sat there on her phone most of the time, and then suddenly walked off and went and started clearing up in another room, leaving me sitting there. She also kept telling her DD 'yes when LostMyBiro has gone, we'll go round and see Jane next door'.

After about an hour of being there, her DD kept being spiteful to my DD and my friend just kept laughing, so I politely said that I had to go now as I had to go out this afternoon and had lots to do. I got DDs shoes on and left, but felt really tearful. I really wish I hadn't bothered going and had stayed home. The atmosphere could have been cut with a knife, she really didn't want me there! And yet she invited me. She's done it before to me, and I feel she's either really pally with me and acts like I'm a good friend, then suddenly without warning every few weeks she acts all moody towards me and makes out that she's having a great time with other friends and that she hates my company.

She also always forgets plans with me. It has got to the point now where I only meet up with her at her suggestion as she constantly forgot things, even though she seems to manage perfectly well to remember plans with others. And even when she suggests things she still forgets about them, or cancels at the last minute then gets irritated when I won't meet at another day/time of her choice. She also makes lots of barbed, abrupt comments disguised as compliments. DH says he thinks she is testing me out to see if I'll be her little lap dog and do as she says!

And one more thing; she told me a few weeks ago that DD is invited in a couple of weeks to the party of her friend's DD. I mentioned the party today and she was snappy and insisted that she hadn't said that to me and that unless I had had an invite then DD wasn't invited. I don't care whether or not DD is invited, but I feel she's gaslighting me a little...

AIBU to keep my distance? I have to be careful as our DDs will be at school together next year and my friend has lots of friends and acquaintances and I really don't want to have enemies at the school gates!

elfycat Fri 13-Sep-13 09:43:53

My DF is called Roger and he's lovely.

I think Male Wendys should be called Wendy just to add to the insult. 'oh he's a Wendy' has such a nice ring.

And I'm sure there are lovely people called Wendy

Mindfullness Fri 13-Sep-13 08:44:09

Google toxic friends, this is exactly what she is!! You so deserve to be treated better and use your time with nice people smile

nicename Fri 13-Sep-13 08:41:37

Wendle. Or maybe Roger (the only Rogers I have met have been horrid, but I'm sure there are some lovely ones).

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 13-Sep-13 07:20:23

Can men be Wendys too? Or is there another word for male Wendys? :-)

A Mendy? grin

daisychain01 Fri 13-Sep-13 04:46:07

Wow yuk thats vile I never knew about Wendy-ing. Maybe I dont have enough friends to make a circle grin but the ones I have are great!

I have been gaslighted. Made me feel like I was losing my marbles.

Isn't is a complete mystery why those people behave like that. Definitely best to show them you aren't prepared to be sucked into their little game.

sounds lke a right cow!

tangerinefeathers Fri 13-Sep-13 01:23:28

I made a mum friend like this recently - one day I went over as invited and she was the same, really offish, didn't offer a cup of tea, seemed really distracted and faintly annoyed at me being there and her DS started being mean to mine - it's weird, as if they pick up on the atmosphere. I made my excuses and left but like you felt a bit upset by it - why not just cancel if you're going to behave like that?

She then made an arrangement to meet up but didn't get back to me, then cancelled last minute to a dinner (we're from the same playgroup). I will never be rude to her and if we catch up as others say in a group situation then that's fine but I won't have any more one-one-one meet ups as I can't bear people who inflict their moods on others in such a selfish way, without explaining what the problem is.

Like you I am quite happy just being with DS and only spending time with other mums if I know it's going to be fun - took me a while to realise that though.

Also I should say that I was badly bullied as a child/teen. God be damned it was going to happen to me as an adult in my own home, time and chosen company. Plus I dont do gossip. That went against me as i wasn't shy about stopping people when they started tearing into supposed friends who weren't about. My dh was asked once if I was "on the spectrum". hmm

Thanks takeaway. To be fair she apologised and had the good grace to look embarrassed. I don't think anyone had ever told her before. I think a fair bit of penny dropping was going on too.

HopeClearwater Thu 12-Sep-13 23:05:19

OP thanks for posting this. Almost exactly the same thing happened to me earlier this year. I cut her off but felt really bad about it. Seeing everyone's responses on here has made me feel better.

ProtectiveMother Thu 12-Sep-13 23:00:09

Can men be Wendys too? Or is there another word for male Wendys? :-)

Gretagumbo Thu 12-Sep-13 22:29:36

* people in the world.

Gretagumbo Thu 12-Sep-13 22:29:03

Do you ever challenge her?
'You appear to be having a bad day, is there anything wrong?'
Other than this, don't bother there are plenty of lovely peo

Idespair Thu 12-Sep-13 21:25:47

Distance yourself definitely. Keep things polite but be busy next time she suggests something. Don't keep doing things with her, she sounds awful bordering on abusive.

knowler Thu 12-Sep-13 21:25:37

kotinka - that is very very shit, but you are better off out of a toxic situation: the other 6 or so didn't have to basically "side" with the Wendy and you are better off out.

lostmybiro - having read this whole thread, i would like to give you a hug, and then give you a good shake!! PLEASE do not accommodate this person any more in your life. I know you say you don't like confrontation - nor do I - but this is about more than that. It is about your self-respect and setting a positive, strong, example for your daughter.

as many other posters have said, blocking this person is the way to a calm and easy life. take control away from this odd-ball, because this is what she is. you are not describing normal behaviour.

" I have to be careful as our DDs will be at school together next year and my friend has lots of friends and acquaintances and I really don't want to have enemies at the school gates!"
I honestly believe you're overthinking this. So she has 'lots of friends and acquaintances' - don't you think she'll have treated many of them the same as she has treated you? After all, she did it to you in private, in her house; nobody else witnessed it, just as you won't have witnessed her treating others as she treated you.

You say about wanting an easy life. Accommodating a fuckwit is never easy. Cut her out of your life; be busy when she suggests meeting up; be polite to her in public. That is how you get an easy life.

kotinka Thu 12-Sep-13 20:57:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saffyz Thu 12-Sep-13 20:56:29

Smile and say a breezy hello when you see her, but be too busy to accept any invitations. I expect that she'll move on to someone else. Don't worry about the school gates, there will be enough people who can see what she's like.

digerd Thu 12-Sep-13 20:45:26

'Wendies' are nasty pieces of work and very clever, brilliant actresses and can suss out who they can successfully prey on. You have my sympathy.

kotinka Thu 12-Sep-13 20:05:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elfycat Thu 12-Sep-13 20:03:56

Sorry film was Gaslight (1944)

elfycat Thu 12-Sep-13 20:02:53

Wendy - a MNettism rom a thread about a 'friend' who enters your social circle, then takes over and has you marginalised and finally ousted from your friendship circle. All of your friends will side with her.

Gaslighting - googlable - from the film of the same name. Where someone tries to persuade you that their version of the truth is the truth even though you know differently. They do this so well you doubt yourself - Often used in emotionally abusive situations.

kotinka Thu 12-Sep-13 19:00:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania Thu 12-Sep-13 18:44:04

That's fantastic Ma good on you smile

Charlottehere Thu 12-Sep-13 14:25:27

Run ...fast

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