To think this friend was/is being extremely rude and to distance myself from her in future?

(124 Posts)
LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:00:08

I am so cross with a friend. I think today has been the last straw regarding my friendship with her, but she's done other things too that have made me feel a bit uneasy.

Today she invited me round to hers for coffee and so that our 3 year old DDs, who are friends at nursery too, could play together. It was at her suggestion that I went round. I had nothing else planned but would have been happy to stay home, I'm not one of those people that needs to live in friends' pockets.

Anyway, we went round to her house and from the moment we got there I could tell she was in one of 'those' moods. We knocked at the door and she came, opened it and then walked off into her kitchen without greeting us. I was friendly as normal and said hello and started chatting and she didn't reply to me or even say hello to DD. I went through to her kitchen and she was in there cleaning the worktops and doing other jobs. Eventually we went and sat through in her living room and she was really moody the whole time we were there. She didn't once speak to DD, and was snappy with me and giving me one word answers. I tried a few times to start talking and she was so rude and arsey. She also kept talking about other friends of hers and how great they are and how she's been to this with X and been to there with Y. She didn't seem to want to get into any conversation with me at all. She sat there on her phone most of the time, and then suddenly walked off and went and started clearing up in another room, leaving me sitting there. She also kept telling her DD 'yes when LostMyBiro has gone, we'll go round and see Jane next door'.

After about an hour of being there, her DD kept being spiteful to my DD and my friend just kept laughing, so I politely said that I had to go now as I had to go out this afternoon and had lots to do. I got DDs shoes on and left, but felt really tearful. I really wish I hadn't bothered going and had stayed home. The atmosphere could have been cut with a knife, she really didn't want me there! And yet she invited me. She's done it before to me, and I feel she's either really pally with me and acts like I'm a good friend, then suddenly without warning every few weeks she acts all moody towards me and makes out that she's having a great time with other friends and that she hates my company.

She also always forgets plans with me. It has got to the point now where I only meet up with her at her suggestion as she constantly forgot things, even though she seems to manage perfectly well to remember plans with others. And even when she suggests things she still forgets about them, or cancels at the last minute then gets irritated when I won't meet at another day/time of her choice. She also makes lots of barbed, abrupt comments disguised as compliments. DH says he thinks she is testing me out to see if I'll be her little lap dog and do as she says!

And one more thing; she told me a few weeks ago that DD is invited in a couple of weeks to the party of her friend's DD. I mentioned the party today and she was snappy and insisted that she hadn't said that to me and that unless I had had an invite then DD wasn't invited. I don't care whether or not DD is invited, but I feel she's gaslighting me a little...

AIBU to keep my distance? I have to be careful as our DDs will be at school together next year and my friend has lots of friends and acquaintances and I really don't want to have enemies at the school gates!

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 15:53:16

I don't think she forgot as she sent me two texts yesterday to confirm we were still on for today. Although she frequently forgets arrangements so she may well have done. Not sure if her 'forgetting' is done purposely or not though.

I think those of you that have said she must have had a better offer are right. I can't understand why she didn't cancel though, as she normally cancels without any thought to my feelings or time. Unless the other person said they might meet her and only confirmed it via text when I was there?

PTFO Wed 11-Sep-13 16:11:18

why on earth do you bother with her after what you just told us? she treats you like shit. distance and move on.

Lilacroses Wed 11-Sep-13 16:35:50

This woman is not your friend! Crikey! She is absolutely horrible! Please drop her. Distance yourself from her completely. What an absolute cow!

cakewitch Wed 11-Sep-13 16:36:20

Ive a 'friend' very similar to this. No matter what plans have been made. if she is not in the mood, and she very frequently isnt, then she will make it quite clear she does not want your company by being incredibly rude.
I end up playing stupid little games with her just to wind her up further. then i leave. sniggering at her attitude.
I see very little of her these days. unfortunately our children are friends.

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 16:43:37

Yanbu she sounds naaaaaaaaaaasty and horrid. Another friend bites te dust. Don't worry anymore about her, delete her number and try to forget her

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 16:46:20

Don't have anything to do with her ever again

PomBearArmy Wed 11-Sep-13 16:56:40

Trying to worm her way in with your friends sounds a bit Wendyish to me, and I'd cut her off now before she starts doing damage to your other friendships.

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 17:10:14

The moment she started texting imwould have made excuses and left

She's a Wendy!!!!!
Run, run like the wind smile

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 17:15:54

In fact te momentshe said when lostmybiro leaves we will see x, I would have made my excuses and left

Seabright Wed 11-Sep-13 17:21:34

Sounds like a Wendy, or a trainee Wendy to me.

soorploom Wed 11-Sep-13 17:29:18

life is too short. get rid. take a deep breath and find fun friends.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 11-Sep-13 17:29:50

Next time she wants to meet up tell her you're busy. You do not need a friend who you are treading on eggshells around wondering what mood she's in. Get rid.

Pixieonthemoor Wed 11-Sep-13 17:44:36

She sounds utterly poisonous. Frankly, life is tooooo short!! Distance gradually - I wouldn't call her on it. It sounds like it wouldn't help and she might like the drama and kick off which you don't need, vis a vis the school gates etc.

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 17:46:44

I don't know where this wendybterm comes from, I have two friends who are called Wendy and both are absolutely lovely, salt of te earth people

TheYamiOfYawn Wed 11-Sep-13 17:59:01

Wendy refers to an old thread where the perpetrator if the Wendy's behaviour was called Wendy.

Pigsmummy Wed 11-Sep-13 18:04:54

Why did you stay an hour? Ditch the bitch!

henrycavillyum Wed 11-Sep-13 18:06:36

She sounds like a really nasty cow. Tell her to f off. Met someone like her before. As someone said, start distancing yourself.

MintyChops Wed 11-Sep-13 18:19:00

Yuck, she sounds awful and Wendyish, distance yourself, smile and wave, be busy, you will make nicer friends at the school gate.

quoteunquote Wed 11-Sep-13 20:30:51

I would avoid her at all costs, never go into her space again, be polite but be very distant.

Set a good example to your daughter that you do not tolerate vile people being hateful towards you, how sad for her daughter to have a parent like that.

LostMyBiroAgain Thu 12-Sep-13 09:57:19

I've been thinking about this overnight and I think those of you that said she is trying to 'Wendy' me are right.

It's very difficult. I have to find a way to keep her at arm's length whilst still remaining pleasant and polite. Our children will be at school together and so it's important to me not to have any arguments or anything that might cause an atmosphere. If she really is a Wendy then I think if she cottons on to being phased out she will get nasty. I was sort of Wendied by a mum from my older DD's school year a few years ago and I hated it.

Luckily I've not known her for a hugely long time. I think she'd like to live in each others' pockets but I'm not that type of person and do prefer to keep friends at arm's length a bit more, so I've never bought into her daily texting that she has tried to get into with me. Has anyone got any tips or ideas on how I can gently phase her out without her really realising it and staying on good terms if possible? I know I sound like a real wimp but I just don't want confrontation based around the nursery/school gates.

takeaway2 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:08:52

I would just continue to smile and nod with her at the school gate. If she texts, leave it a few hours/day and then reply with a 'ohh! that sounds interesting, how did it go?' ie in a non-commital but friendly way.

if she asks about how DC is doing in reading/potty training whatever, just say 'really well and you?'... and turn it back on her and see if she replies...and nod non-commitally....

if she asks to go out just say 'oh, i'll get back to you, have to check diary'.... and if it's a do you want to go for a cuppa after school drop off, say you need to go to the supermarket/hairdresser/poo....

you can phase her out that way, and not be mean.

good luck!

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 10:12:44

Good grief.

She is awful and clearly a bit screwy. Definitely keep your distance. If it was a one off then it may have been forgivable but it's not.

I'd have felt teary. YANBU.

ChasedByBees Thu 12-Sep-13 10:26:11

If she is annoyed with you when you don't jump to reply then it might get a bit awkward for a while but you're just going to have to brazen it out. Dont reply, be offhand and be 'slippery' about it (oh sorry, I've just been so busy etc). She's horrible. If it gets uncomfortable then just be honest. Say something like, 'look, when I visit, you're often quite busy and don't have time to chat. It's not that enjoyable.'

Seaweedy Thu 12-Sep-13 10:53:19

I get that you don't want any aggro, but I do think the reason she behaves like this with you is that she feels she can, because you take it. You sat for a miserable hour in her house while she worked quite hard at making you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. There is no comeback for her astonishingly bad behaviour because you keep coming back for more.

You are both, in fact, behaving as if there is only one important person in your relationship - her. You sound like a gentle person who is uncomfortable with confrontation, but the fact that you are clearly worrying yourself sick about the fact that she might detect a hint of coldness from you at the school gate still suggests you think that her response to your justifiable distancing of yourself is much more important than her outrageous rudeness and blowing hot and cold on you!

Take the good advice about remaining polite but distant and busy given by other posters, but remember, you and your daughter should be the priorities here. Not this user.

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