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to be a bit miffed at their ready acceptance of this new relationship?

(95 Posts)
Liltzero Wed 11-Sep-13 09:07:53

For many years 3 couples and their children holidayed each year in Scotland. This year's holiday was cancelled because my STBXH and one of the other wives decided that they were in love and started a relationship (awkward!).

So now 2 divorces are proceeding, homes have been divided and sold and 4 children are getting used to the idea that their Mums and Dads are separated.

I discover yesterday evening that STBXH and new girlfriend are planning another holiday in Scotland with their respective children. Fair enough - but what got me annoyed was that couple number 3 are joining them!

AIBU to think that couple no. 3s ready acceptance of this relationship is disrespectful of both me and the dumped husband? They know about the considerable distress the breakdown of our marriages has caused us.

MrsOakenshield Wed 11-Sep-13 13:03:10

btw, I can understand you being miffed but I'm not sure couple 3 are in the wrong, as such - doesn't mean they've completely thrown the towel in with the new couple.

Zoe789 Wed 11-Sep-13 13:05:25

agree with mimisunshine, let them go on their awkward holiday. book yourself in to a nice boutique hotel or a hotel with a pool, please go somewhere nice when you have no children. my x and I didn't split over OW and it still feels weird letting them go off for a week, so my heart is gargled for you. brew

JedwardScissorhands Wed 11-Sep-13 13:05:32

YANBU to be upset, but couple 3 are not BU to holiday with the new couple. Life changes, couples split, and the way this is being handled seems to be good for the kids' involved. You are still allowed to be pissed off about it though.

Noteveryday Wed 11-Sep-13 13:07:15

I think it will be really fucking grim for the children actually.

And couple no.3 are misguided. How old are the children? Hope they are not too little and would be hopelessly confused and upset. Would be better if teenagers who will tell it like it is.

I would suggest not to let your children go, but he may well turn it into you being the baddie who will not let your kids go on such a lovely holiday.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 11-Sep-13 13:09:25

Crowler, yes, I wasn't sure at first! He was dating one, she left and another one turned up, they all seemed pleased to see her. They were both charming and there was no awkwardness.

Much more civilised for the DCs.

kali110 United States Wed 11-Sep-13 13:15:55

Its not couples 3 fault. It must be hard for them too.my friend is friends with my x. I honestly did feel weird and lityle betrayed at first however she was friends with both of us and didn't want to take sides. If i was in that position then i would probably be the same.

Noteveryday Wed 11-Sep-13 13:23:09

I think they could still be neutral and not go on the holiday this year, to be fair. In fact it seems to me by going on this holiday at this point that they have taken sides.
Also if I was DH3 or DW3 I would be a bit worried about the other couples roving eye/s smile (joking. A little bit)

Abra1d Wed 11-Sep-13 13:30:07

YANBU,OP! This is awful.

SeaSickSal Wed 11-Sep-13 13:36:10

I don't think there is anything wrong with this at all. I think that expecting people to take sides and undertake a vendetta on your behalf is destructive as it would also be destructive if they did so.

As long as they are prepared to also extend the hand of friendship to the ex-spouses too and treat them with respect also I really can't see the harm.

I think they're just being adult about it.

Liltzero Wed 11-Sep-13 14:00:18

Thanks for all the comments wise folk of mumsnet. Much appreciated and given me plenty to think about. Chortle @Noteveryday last sentence! The children range from 9 to 3. So far they've taken all the change very well because fortunately they have been saved ALL of the adult emotional mess. I just explain to my DS x2 that "Mummy won't be coming to XYZ (restuarant / day out etc) because Daddy is now in love with OW" It must be easier for them in some way because OW has always been a feature in their lives.

squoosh Wed 11-Sep-13 14:01:43

Poor you Lilitzero, an absolutely shitty situation that you are handling admirably.

Liltzero Wed 11-Sep-13 14:04:20

thanks @squoosh

fabergeegg Wed 11-Sep-13 14:11:55

It does seem very unfair and a bit much. You seem to have been edited out. I very much doubt it has anything to do with the welfare of the children, or this situation would never have been allowed to arise in the first place. It's heinously selfish to split a family simply to make adults happy. I can see why this might be the best thing for the children, but quite possibly not - they can see who has been left behind and I expect - and would hope - they have a problem with leaving people out. Especially those they love. Regarding the third couple - they're rude. They should have the courtesy to speak to you about it and at least express regret. If they were any kind of friends, they would be offering to go on holiday with you.

I understand why you're miffed and you're definitely not being unreasonable. But would you really want to go on being friends with such awful people?

Crowler Wed 11-Sep-13 14:29:36

Liltzero I'm so sorry that you're going through this, how are things between you and the OW?

There's a tidy middle ground between a vendetta and going on holiday with someone, IMO. I think a bit of loyalty is in order here.

Abra1d Wed 11-Sep-13 15:06:19

I just can't imagine that the children would be happy in this situation. It sounds like it's lovely for the 'new' couple: they get to keep the holiday, the other couple, and the children.

Not lovely for everyone else.

Just selfish.

springydafty Wed 11-Sep-13 15:13:06

Granted, I'm poking my nose in, but do you say "Mummy won't be coming to XYZ (restuarant / day out etc) because Daddy is now in love with OW" as if it's just one of those things? Or do you add on that it's not fair but we have to accept it type of thing.

I've had my fair share of trying to explain the unexplainable (unless you tell them the absolute truth, warts, gremlins and all confused ) so I do know about every nuance being hideously weighted and trying like buggery to come up with the right word or phrase. But daddy going off with mummy's friend is shit. I hope they get that... without dissing anybody of course! Got to be careful we don't diss one parent eh even when they deserve it and perhaps the truth ought to be told

Liltzero Wed 11-Sep-13 15:38:35

@Springydafty - leaving it very factual and non-judgemental in the expectation that when they are a little older it will dawn upon them just from how high a height their Mummy has been shat upon from!

phantomnamechanger Wed 11-Sep-13 15:54:04

Wow, what a mess. Sorry for you OP and no I don't think its very fair what they have done. All those happy memories. Rather awkward, I would have thought, when someone starts to spout "do you remember last year when...."

phantomnamechanger Wed 11-Sep-13 15:55:12

By the way, I would think your situation is pretty unique therefore you could easily be ID'd by one of the other parties if they are on here.

intitgrand Wed 11-Sep-13 16:00:35

I never get why people thinkthat if they fall outr with someone,then all their friends have to do so too.You don't own your friends!!
They were previously friends with your ex and previously friends with his new Missus , so why would they not continue to be friends.It has nothing to do with them.
TH kids will enjoy it and give them some continuity.

GibberTheMonkey Wed 11-Sep-13 16:00:45

What's even weirder is they've gone to the same place. Why not go to Cornwall or something so it feels like something different not just a holiday with people missing and the wrong people in bed together.

Op I really feel for you and your posts show you in a good light

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Wed 11-Sep-13 16:00:49

YANBU how fucking weird will that be for the kids involved?!

springydafty Wed 11-Sep-13 16:01:31

<pokes nose in further>

I think you should - make it at least a little bit clear that daddy running off with mummy's friend is shit.

squoosh Wed 11-Sep-13 16:05:23

Also OP, often in these situations one person in the pre-existing couple is more keen to remain friends with the 'new' couple than the other person, awkwardness may await everyone in Scotland.

kiriwawa Wed 11-Sep-13 16:08:01

No springydafty - the OP should absolutely not do that. The kids will figure it out (and the older ones probably already have the gist) but it's not fair to ask them to take sides.

OP - I think you're being really dignified and handling it really well. A very very similar situation happened to a friend of mine and what has boiled my piss since is that her ex acts as if he's the injured party.

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