ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
DP, EXH and Christmas(156 Posts)
This could be long and I am in work so I may not reply quickly so I will put in as much as I can to cover any questions...
EXH and I seperated almost 3 years ago just before christmas. This coming christmas will be the forth since we split. We were together seven years but it was a stormy relationship due to domestic violence from him to me. Regardless the state of our relationship at the time we always managed to spend christmas together with the kids, including the first one after we split.
I moved DP in with us very quickly so the second christmas after EXH and I seperated DP was there. He refused point blank to let EXH come round on christmas day as it was the first time he had had his DD overnight on christmas eve. This caused a lot of problems between EXH and I, he was not happy that he didnt see the kids untill boxing day.
Last year EXH put his foot down and said since I had the kids the previous year he was taking them for dinner and over night. I still had christmas morning with them until 11am but the rest of the day was terrible for me. I missed them so much. we also only had DSD for an hour or two last year.
This year EXH has said that he would like to come round on christmas morning and watch the kids open their presents and spend an hour or two with them before leaving us to get on with the day.
I don't think that is unreasonable, I think the kids would love it (8 & 5) and that as grown ups we should be able to manage a couple of hours in each others company for their sake.
We don't know when we will be having DSD this year as her mum hasn't decided yet.
I have spent lots of time with DP's ex for the sake of keeping relations easy. we have many times eaten a meal together at MILs etc.
Would I be unreasonable to expect DP to allow EXH a couple of hours with his kids on christmas morning?
Oh my word, you did not overreact! He threatened your DP with violence and was very aggressive about the whole thing. Not to mention his history. Please don't think you overreacted -- I imagine that's part of the whole cycle of abuse, to minimise things once he starts being reasonable. But try to nip that in the bud too, otherwise you will start doubting yourself, and you need to keep up the firm boundaries for all your sakes.
Don't worry cjel it took awhile for it to dawn on me too. Haha.
you are right as always dreaming minimizing is always part of it, I think that's how we stayed together so long but I need to break the habit.
The support I have received on this thread is overwhelming and a few of you should consider a career in this area if your not already doing it.
I'm just so glad you've had a good result so far and are thinking about things a bit differently. You sound like such an amazingly strong woman. I hope you'll keep us posted on how things go and good luck!!
Funnily enough, that's what people always say about me, that I am strong. it always seems odd as I cant imagine doing anything other than carrying on.
Hand overs went well today, as if nothing had ever happened. It has inspired me to stick to my guns from now on.
I don't think I could have done it without all the amazing women and great insight on this thread. Xxx
Minimizing is a normal way to protect oneself in a bad situation, we all say "Well, it could be worse.....". But when you have done this for so long it can be a hard habit to break which is why I think that the internet has been the biggest gift to abused women.
Before online support you would never have been sure just how bad it was, especially if you have family or friends who have a vested interest in your maintaining your marriage because it suits their status quo. Place like MN allow others to say "Fuck no! You are NOT over reacting/BU/causing a fuss" etc.
You have done it once, now you know that you can do it again
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