To actually want to be able to choose 'something' for them

(49 Posts)
FlutterShyPinkiePie Tue 10-Sep-13 21:03:33

I have just spent the last 30 minutes carefully choosing from a wedding gift list for my friends.

The list was only of things for the honeymoon eg trips, meals etc

I was about to make the payment and realised that the whole list is actually meaningless, the cash can be given on the day or is just transferred to their account, to spend on whatever they like. I would not actually be choosing and buying them 'anything' and its all a bit of a farce!

I do appreciate that money is probably all they want but it feels like a bit of a sneaky way to do it. I have no problem giving cash if requested but don't make me stare at a list of nice things that I'm not actually buying!

AIBU to think that if I take the time to choose something off a wedding list then that is what the couple should actually get!!

GreyWhites Wed 11-Sep-13 23:13:06

I actually think in this situation that giving cash is a bit weird. But its your choice.

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Wed 11-Sep-13 15:25:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKwazii Wed 11-Sep-13 15:16:05

Speaking as a woman with a big box of crystal and china languishing in the loft that I will never use, I think specific gift lists are a Godsend. I'd always rather buy people a gift they want or need rather than land them with something I liked but that is miles away from anything they would ever choose for themselves. It's such a waste of people's time and money buying a gift that will only ever gather dust.

MummyBeerest Wed 11-Sep-13 15:04:36

Cory I would hope that any gift a bride or groom received would be with gratitude, monetary value irrelevant. We didn't have a gift registry, didn't ask for cash either. We got all kinds of gifts and still were grateful.

I just hate gift registries. Buy your own duvet!

Honeymoon ones actually seem fine to me because wedding budgets take up enough planning, it'd be nice to give the couple something fun.

VivClicquot Wed 11-Sep-13 10:05:18

YABU. We did this for our wedding and honeymoon.

We had loads of positive comments from friends and family that they felt like they were buying us something meaningful, rather than just giving us cash (or buying us another cutlery set), and we also made sure that we did everything on the list.

When we sent thankyou cards on our return, we included a photograph of us doing whatever it was that person had paid for. I genuinely don't see how it is any different from setting up a list in John Lewis and asking for teapots, photo frames or wine glasses.

As an aside, I have never heard anybody in RL sneer at the idea of gift lists. It is such a mumsnet thing.

Lizzids Wed 11-Sep-13 09:59:19

Thanks Louise, sounds great smile

LouiseD29 Wed 11-Sep-13 09:53:42

Lizzids - yes, we used a website called HoneyFund where you can put in the experiences you want and how much they cost and then it keeps a record of who has chosen what, so two people don't think they have got you the same experience. We paid for all the basic travel and accommodation so the list was more specific items and activities everything from £5 donations to local charities in the country we visited to contributions to a helicopter ride (which was awesome and I know exactly who got us that without having to check, and will always remember their generosity)

Lizzids Wed 11-Sep-13 09:20:53

Just wondering, is it possible that the website would log what you had chosen? So even though you were giving them the money direct they would still know what it should be used for? I've never come across one of these so I've no idea confused

We asked for travel vouchers when we got married (in a - 'we don't want anything' kind of way), but we also received non-money gifts and my more hard up aunt gave us some lovely, but not expensive, glasses. Some of the guests just gave us a card and, like another poster said, the messages inside were just as valuable as any gift.

As far as I know we didn't offend anyone wink

FlutterShyPinkiePie Wed 11-Sep-13 08:52:38

I had better get a photo, eg one of them really drunk on a beach, I need evidence! ;) it's ok I think I'll just forget the list and give cash in a card and tell them to have a fab time on the honeymoon smile

MrsBW Wed 11-Sep-13 08:13:58

OP I'm sure you haven't wasted time.

The couple would hardly spend time putting together their experience list if they weren't going to do the experiences?

A lot of people when they do this send photos of themselves doing the activity as mentioned up thread...

If they do this, would that make you feel happier (ie they can show they actually did what you paid for?)

MrsBW Wed 11-Sep-13 08:11:05

When I think of the number of people I must have inadvertently offended when I got married, I'm surprised I have any friends left...

Fraud? hmm

FlutterShyPinkiePie Wed 11-Sep-13 08:04:39

I don't thinks its fraud exactly and I'm sure the couple will spend it on the honeymoon.

However I spent ages looking at the list, thinking of the 'things' which I thought they would enjoy the most, seeing which only needed 1 more to complete a 'set' etc.

Then at the end to be told ok your total is £x, put the cash in an envelope (or transfer to their PayPal)

I think I was just annoyed at myself for wasting so much time last night!

NoComet Wed 11-Sep-13 07:55:51

For my cousin and, I suspect many other couples these days, there honeymoon was their last big holiday before TTC and having their DS.

Given the stresses of having a baby on a relationship. I'd rather give them the memories of romantic nights in the bush than a house hold item they didn't really need.

SmallBee Wed 11-Sep-13 07:53:11

I suppose it depends if you think this particular couple genuinely mean what they say when they ask for a contribution for 'cocktails on a beach' I would have been horrified at the though of someone assuming I wasn't going to use the money they gave for the purpose I'd said I was. It's lying and basically fraud. Do you think this couple are likely to be like that?

cory Wed 11-Sep-13 07:47:56

But MummyBeerest, what if you could only afford $ 5? Would you still feel as happy giving that in cash, or would you pray that you could find some useful little thing to give that didn't have the price tag written all over it?

The difference I see between letting people buy things and insisting on cash is that "things" are a way for poorer relatives to save face. They can get something slightly unusual that nobody knows the price of but which might even be quite nice, whereas if they put £5.99 on the list of cash contributions the bride and groom would see exactly how small the sum was.

I still use the wooden spoon and fork set we were given for our wedding by a kind friend 20 years ago. I don't suppose they cost more than a five and the donor would have felt horrified at having to hand over that sum in cash. But the gift is a daily reminder that 20 years ago this kindly (but possibly impecunious) person was wishing us well. Far, far nicer than having to worry that they couldn't pay the bills next month because of our wedding.

Of course, if people would genuinely feel happy about giving somebody a fiver in cash if that was all they could afford, then that's fine. But I would be worried that a cash stipulation was tempting people to go into expenditure they couldn't afford. I'd rather have ugly teacups than feel my wedding was a burden.

MummyBeerest Wed 11-Sep-13 07:30:07

Not sure if this is the same as what you meant, but wedding registries are very common here (North America,) so a lot of wedding guests more or less expect to be told what to buy. To straight up ask for money is seemingly "tacky" but personally, I disagree. I'd rather just give the couple $150 and be done with it rather than buy them, say, $150 duvet cover (--not bitter--)

I agree, if cash is what you want, just flipping SAY SO...

fluffyraggies Wed 11-Sep-13 07:29:07

We didn't have a wedding list and got no 'piles of useless junk' as presents. We actually said (to those that asked) that we were not expecting presents - their company was all we needed. We genuinely meant that as many guests had to have the day off work and travel a way to attend the wedding.

We were very moved by the amount of cash and lovely messages popped into the wedding cards from each and every guest. We opened the cards in our honeymoon suite at the end of the day and both got teary opening them all.

The money paid for the honeymoon in the end. (this was last year)

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 11-Sep-13 07:28:09

Angus Sounds very lovely. You obviously have friends with taste/ enjoy shopping at John Lewis.
What if the coffee cups had been a horrible design and the picture not to your taste? Would you be so pleased?

I have never done the wedding list thing myself but I understand why it works. I ignore requests for money though. I am one of thise annoying people who buy people vouchers.

meganorks Wed 11-Sep-13 07:16:12

I just did one of those and sort of felt the same. It does sound like from what they say at the end that they will just be transferred the money. I hope not though as we spent a bit more than we would have otherwise on something personally relevant to both of us.

I have never really been a fan of the honeymoon list but beginning to think might best for our wedding next year. Thought of a john Lewis one, but our house is already bursting at the seams and we don't have any storage space. I honestly wouldn't expect a present from guests and will do my best to emphasise this in the invite. But I know some people will insist. Those who say its rude to include a list at all I think are just terribly out of date and old fashioned. I have never had an invite without a list and never been offended.

FlutterShyPinkiePie Wed 11-Sep-13 06:46:20

But that's my point, I may not be funding activities on holiday...I have no idea. I didn't choose cash, i chose a specific gift off a list which they may or may not have.

I have given cash before & don't mind it at all. I don't even mind funding honeymoons but if you want cash just say you want cash, it's the game I hate.

I just think it wastes my time to spend ages picking out things from a list, only to the be told by the website to put cash in their card (or bank transfer)

I could have put the cash in by my self had they just asked for it instead of playing this game, picking out imaginary things!

And I'm only 33, younger than the bride & groom!

Ememem84 Wed 11-Sep-13 06:46:05

When we got married we asked for money to put towards a trip to nz. Husbands family are from there, only some were able to come to uk for wedding. We found it very difficult to find the wording to actually ask for it. Very difficult as I felt so rude almost didn't add to the invites. I don't think people were offended if they were I doubt they would gAve been as generous as we were given enough to cover flights and accommodation for the entire trip - 4 weeks.

I really can't see the difference between funding activities on a honeymoon and funding items of kitchenware!
It is exactly because of people moaning about everything no matter what you choose to do for your wedding that I have been engaged for three years and am delaying it as long as possible. I can't stand the thought of guests whinging about things behind my back.
If you don't like it don't go,and save the couple the expense of paying for you on their special day!

Crowler Wed 11-Sep-13 05:58:06

Argh, I find this so cringy. I don't blame you, OP.

nooka Wed 11-Sep-13 05:41:32

I wonder if it's also to do with your expectations of what a wedding and honeymoon should be. It seems that as couples are generally older when they get married and therefore organising their own bash so weddings have become much more elaborate and honeymoons more lavish. dh and I spent a week in a cottage for our honeymoon and it was lovely, we've great (but quite ordinary) memories of the week. I don't think that things need to be extraordinary to be remembered. Plus I think that many of our wedding gifts are likely to last longer than my memories!

I do like the photos of the events your friends have contributed toward as an idea though.

GreyWhites Wed 11-Sep-13 05:40:44

I have heard of this too and I think it's s great idea. If there were 'things' they needed your friends would have asked for them. As it is they would like to give you the opportunity to help them enjoy some activities together. From what I know of people who have taken this approach to gifts they have really appreciated it and do send pics and thank you cards afterwards. Obviously this list is just a way of giving you the opportunity to give then a gift they know they will want and enjoy. You're also free not to get them anything. Or if you're a good friend I'm sure you can think of an item which they will appreciate.

I really don't think it's a "sneaky' way to get money at all. Any more than asking for "things" is a sneaky way of getting new items for your home.

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