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WIBU not to get them an engagement present?

(86 Posts)
bt1978 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:31:09

A couple DH and I are related to got engaged and had a party. It was in an ordinary hotel, not fancy, but a nice teatime do. We were invited 3 days before the event via Facebook.

We have been related to them for only a few years since it is due to a second marriage in the wider family, and although we are similar in age we do not socialise with them and only see them at random family events.

The above may or may not be relevant...it is just background info.

Anyway, it has been brought to our attention that we were the only people not to give an engagement gift. We took a card. Apparently that wasn't enough!
We will be getting them a wedding gift, unless we have now been struck off the invite list.

Do people give gifts at these things?

Would you expect an engagement gift?

Is it not unbelievably bad manners to even remark on the absence of a present?

This has pissed us off, quite frankly, and I wonder if we were being unreasonable....

jacks365 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:34:39

It is bad manners to mention the lack of gift but it's also bad manners to turn up empty handed. You would have been better not attending and just posting a card.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:36:42

I wouldn't consider having an engagement party myself, purely because I would hate people to think we expected gifts. I think some people throw parties just because they want presents these days!!

I find the whole thing very tacky hmm

When I got engaged I had a few cards off a few people and that was absolutely fine. Why should people be given a present just because they got engaged??

Wedding gifts - yes.
Engagement gifts - no!

FatPenguin Tue 10-Sep-13 19:38:48

I wouldn't have taken a gift, just a card. But then I don't understand the need for an engagement party.
Did they comment on the lack of gift to you personally or is this something you heard through the grapevine?

DoctorRobert Tue 10-Sep-13 19:39:13

yanbu
it wouldn't occur to me to get somebody an engagement gift. card yes, gift no.

we didn't get given any engagement gifts but then we didn't have a party

SunshineMMum Tue 10-Sep-13 19:39:33

YANBU a wedding present yes, but to actually expect an engagement gift seems a bit much.

NightScentedStock Tue 10-Sep-13 19:40:38

I think expecting a gift for an engagement party is a bit odd.
I wouldn't expect a gift upon engagement hut would be very touched if people sent cards.
I think it's bad manners to remark on the abscencevof apresent.
YWNBU

sooperdooper Tue 10-Sep-13 19:42:28

jacks they didn't turn up empty handed, I think a card is fine!

Incredibly rude of them to have mentioned this, how have you found out about this? I can't stand people who expect gifts, no matter what the occasion, plain rude

maddy68 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:45:25

Yes it is the done thing to take a gift

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 19:47:57

If I was invited to anything, dinner, lunch, birthday party, I would take something.

RenterNomad Tue 10-Sep-13 19:48:47

FGS, the invitation was late and casually-delivered enough to make it an imposition to sort out a present as well.

If it was the couple who complained, I'm surprised they weren't embarrassed to look so grabby!

If it was an older relative, could it be family politics about the recently blended families?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:49:13

You take a present for someone who invites you out for dinner??

jacks365 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:50:15

If it had been say a housewarming party would you deem a card sufficient or would you also take a bottle for example. I wouldn't attend an event/party without a gift for the host/hostess. Personally I think engagement parties are unnecessary but I wouldn't attend and not take a gift.

SeaSickSal Tue 10-Sep-13 19:50:19

It is the done thing to take a gift if you attend the party.

I think engagement parties are a bit of an anachronism though.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 10-Sep-13 19:50:59

People expect engagement gifts now? You already get wedding gifts, wtf do engagement gifts consist of? Is there no end to this money spending?

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 19:51:43

If I went to someone's house for dinner I'd take something. If I was invited to a restaurant I wouldn't. Except this was a special occasion so yes, I would take something for the happy couple.

superbagpuss Tue 10-Sep-13 19:51:59

I think you anbu

we had an engagement party for many reasons and I was really surprised to get presents

we just had a garden party, nothing big and it was a good celebration

ILetHimKeep20Quid Tue 10-Sep-13 19:51:59

If you're invited along to mark an occasion, you take a gift.

AmpullaOfVater Tue 10-Sep-13 19:52:07

Very bad mannered to comment on lack of gift!

I don't think I've ever been to an engagement party, I think I'd probably have done the same thing - take a nice card, maybe buy the couple a round of drinks, and expect to buy a present for the actual wedding.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:52:16

What does anachronism mean?? grin x

bt1978 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:52:28

I won't say exactly how I found out because it might identify me...but a parent of the engaged couple made it known to one of our parents.

I do get that when someone invites you to something you don't go empty handed...but honestly i thought the card would have been sufficient.

I thought they might have been satisfied with everyone's presence at such short notice.

Ho hum

elcranko Tue 10-Sep-13 19:54:34

I probably would have taken something, maybe a nice bottle of wine or something but I don't think YWBU for not doing so. A card is fine!

They should have just been grateful that you attended to celebrate with them- isn't that the point of an engagement party? To point out that you didn't bring a gift is not only rude but also makes me think that part of the reason they had the party was to receive gifts.

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 19:54:56

In the greater scheme of things OP, I wouldn't worry.

FriskyHenderson Tue 10-Sep-13 19:56:56

Did you even have time to get a present?

mrspaddy Tue 10-Sep-13 19:59:47

I don't really agree with engagement parties as such.. around here it tends to be 'lets meet for a few drinks' so no present expected.

However, I do tend to get a token for most people who get engaged - purely because I want to - I would hate to think I have to.

I would have brought something to the party but am shocked that they even mentioned it to anyone!!! It says a lot about them.

Don't worry about it at all.

Furthermore - how are they to know you have something ordered - I would be ashamed.

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