...to be so angry I can barely function

(41 Posts)
Punkatheart Tue 10-Sep-13 08:33:05

I know that men leave and relationships break down. I am a realist. But when my ex left two years ago, I had cancer (still have) and I had been very ill for ten years, having had some horrific treatments. It means I haven't been able to work - although I have tried. My daughter reacted to her dad's leaving in a really horrific way - she had to be seen by a cardiologist for the physical shock, then she developed some mental problems which are now really serious - inlcuding severe depression, an eating disorder and some involvement with drugs.

I am pretty ill still (incurable lymphoma) and it has been suggested that I go on another chemo clinical trial. I will have to come off my current medication - be pretty unwell - to take the risk for this new drug.

My ex is currently supporting us by paying the bills and £250 per month for me on which to live. He earns over £2,500 per week in a very high profile industry.

I have told my ex - pretty tearfully - the really horrific troubles with our daughter. I am finding life in general truly horrible and one night I even went to a train station where I know there are fast trains. I just wanted all the bad stuff to stop - but the knowledge that my daughter really really needed me, stopped me - as did the thought of the train driver's family.

My daughter refuses to speak to her father but she is very ill and refuses to speak to a number of people. Every day is difficult - I can't tell you how difficult. We are all mothers (or fathers) here - we know how tough children can be. Add to the mix an exhausting form of cancer that is also disfiguring - then imagine how I felt getting an email from the ex fundamentally bullying us out of our home and wanting to relieve himself of any financial burden. Yes, he has a new girfriend and there are lots of lovely pictures of them in holiday photos. He says he wants a future for himself and there is never a mention of his daughter. Sometimes he says 'I would love to help and be supportive.' That supports includes turning off his phone and when our daughter attempted suicide he told me she was just a stubborn teen. STUBBORN TEEN! She is currently in the mental health system and has regular and horrific meltdowns.

I feel so shaky I can hardly get out of bed. I find I have to force myself to smile, to try and get stability for my child. It's also making me so much more ill.

But meanwhile in his world he is greatly respected and loved. He is well known for what he does - he plays the kind cuddly man in public but I have never met such a hard individual. My daughter is everything to me and I want to stay in my home, try and get my illness under control and then get a future for her and myself.

I have never wanted to kill someone as much as I want to kill him. He never asks about his daughter, he ignores any updates which contain information that upset him, he says that seeing me has a distressing effect on me. His phone is always off - so he sends the email 'I don't want to seem hard but...'

Thank you for listening - even if you think I am over reacting. A number of lovely people helped me previously when I was so very low that I didn't want to go on. I cannot get to that place again. But if we sold our house, the way he has managed the money (badly) will mean that we will barely have anything left. I have nothing on which to live.

I guess I am frightened really. I have tried to be a good person but now I don't feel very good. In fact, I feel quite evil. And ill. I am desperately looking for writing work - I know that is my only talent and I am very accomplished at it. You wouldn't tell from this post though....I am all over the place.

Sazzle41 Thu 12-Sep-13 16:31:25

Its very, very hard to get perspective when you are ill and easy to feel overwhelmed as well at such a difficult time. My sympathies re your situation. If you were feeling more yourself I think you would be looking at your ex and concluding that realistically you can forget any chance of him being supportive or useful. With respect to the £ get some legal advice if you can. Then move on and put your health and your daughter first. She is 16 its up to her if she wants to continue any relationship now. Also, she was probably fainting with hunger if she has an eating dsorder tho if they go long term with severe eating disorders the heart is eventually affected (experience re relative with eating disorder). Do you have any supportive friends or relatives, you must feel very in need of emotional support at the moment.... take care...

arethereanyleftatall Thu 12-Sep-13 09:26:15

You sound absolutely lovely and selfless. My heart feels for your situation.
One thing I would say is that you are a fabulous writer, coherent and emotive. You mentioned writing in your first post, what about your life story? I would buy it, and it might be cathartic to do it. x

catsrus Thu 12-Sep-13 08:44:19

I'm another one who has experienced the real indifference of an ex to his dcs while weeping crocodile tears so you have my total sympathy. Mine were also teens when their father left - it's a tough time for them. I tried to make sure we got through exams, off to college etc with as little disruption as possible. I have broken the future up into manageable chunks based on what needs to be done to support dcs and how long assets will last.

So. If your dd is happy to move - and it sounds like you live in London or commuting distance ? - then how about forgetting about buying. Realise what equity you can from the house and rent for up to 4 yrs. during that time you would be getting treatment at Guys, by the time 4 yrs is up your dd will be 20 and on the road to independence - you will have a clearer idea of how well your treatment is going and might even return to Wales at that point. Not owning a property releases you from dealing with management issues around boilers (assuming you go through a good letting agent).

Punkatheart Thu 12-Sep-13 08:21:08

Thanks again all. Yes, I am entitled to half - but some time ago he remortgaged when in another financial mess (when we were together) and so there is a huge mortgage. When that is paid off, there will not be enough to buy a property, although he has talked about us both buying a house - which is insane. No his other debts are only in his name - but I wish he would be honest. Technically he could afford the mortgage. This is a man who recently finished on a Tom Cruise film for god's sake! I know he earns very well but unfortunately, now I am not there to control the money, he is spending. His debts, although not mine, have determined that we have to sell. When he left, he ploughed through £11,000 in six weeks. Yes, that's what I'm dealing with. His father was exactly the same and ended up living in very squalid conditions and no money at all to leave his son. Our attitude to money is often determined by our upbringing - my family has always been very careful with money.

Sadly, my hair has now started falling out with the stress and that made me more upset than anything. I have lost my hair various times with treatments and having long healthy hair has been such a comfort.

Oh bugger and damnation - I do feel so jittery now about the future.

The wisest thing someone said here was thinking about how fair or not fair this all is, would drive me insane. But being sick makes you feel so much more vulnerable. I am very very scared.

Mimishimi Thu 12-Sep-13 02:23:16

If you have to sell the house, surely you would be entitled to half of the proceeds regardless of his levels of debt? That shouldn't affect your share of the payout at all unless the debts are in both your names? See your solicitor. I do think you need to 'let go' and realise that you cannot control his behaviour, it wouldn't be good for your hopeful recovery to have all that resentment seething inside you. Your daughter is old enough to make her own arrangements with him.

homeagain Thu 12-Sep-13 01:24:47

Wish I had something practical to suggest, but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely Mum, and I'm so sorry all of this is happening. I've really hated people for far less, but hope you can invest your energy in your daughter and your treatments. Thinking of you xx

olgaga Thu 12-Sep-13 00:37:20

Ok hope CAB can help. PM me if you want some research/additional help.

Punkatheart Wed 11-Sep-13 23:23:58

I am going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau initially and then go from there. Not married but thankfully, house in our both our names.

olgaga Wed 11-Sep-13 18:12:06

Punk I may have missed this info but are you married?

Whether or not you are I would invest in some good legal advice. Think of it as an investment in your and DDs future. If you don't have the money see if your mum can sub you until everything is sorted out.

Punkatheart Wed 11-Sep-13 12:42:23

I am trying but I am so very tired. I have spoken to my hospital and the Welsh Assembly has now made it more difficult for patients in Wales to get treatment in England. You have to fight for it. Not sure if I have much fight in me.

Thanks for all your suggestions. Ex is not being honest. I had suggested renting out the house, renting out our office/garage space - but he did not want to do that. The reason? He is up to his eyes in debt I think and selling the house is the only way he can pay all his debts off.

I know I need my family near but I am also a very private person - which presents a whole new dilemma.

I need an income - that's what I need. Or just to sleep for a very long time. I am still feeling my hands around his neck. But last night my daughter and her boyfriend came in and it was a rare happy day for her. Seeing their shoes in the hallway as they chatted and ate pizza made me cry. I have told her about moving and she is happier than I thought she would be - as long as she has me, she said. Made me cry again. Yesterday was a tearful day.

lisylisylou Tue 10-Sep-13 21:38:15

I feel so sorry I couldn't not respond. I can only give you my perspective when i was your dds age with a shitty dad. I always knew my dad was not there for me growing up but my mum just like you tried to keep mine and my dads relationship going. However in my heart of hearts I knew he was never really that bothered and I used to beg my mum not to see him when it was my weekend to go! He never paid maintenance to my mum either but she would never tell me that! I think she knows what her dad is like and it might be worth just relaxing on their relationship! Ultimately, it will be you she respects throughout her adult life just the way I do with my mum. I'm in no way sticking up for him but some men can't deal with things emotionally and bury their heads in the sand or run away! My Dh is in a high pressure job but at a very high level and professionally he can manage anything but when it comes to problems with me or the kids he can't manage and sometimes has to walk away just to calm down. Just focus on you and your daughter - get as much legal/financial support that you can and try to put him behind you. You are ultimately the one person that your daughter needs the most right now so you have to put yourself first. Keep us posted x

katese11 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:18:33

There's a whole lot there and it just sounds like you're having a horrendous time. I really hope things get better for you.

On the writing front, have you tried applying for jobs on elance.com? It's not megabucks but might be a good way to earn some money for writing, from home. Pm me if you want some pointers.

Punkatheart Tue 10-Sep-13 21:13:59

Well I have had an email from him telling me that a solicitor's letter is on the way. Hilariously, he talks about putting his daughter first and then signs it off as 'I have nothing to apologise for.' Astonishing, really. He also talks about sharing the care of our daughter - which is beyond stupid, considering that she never wants to see him.

Tomorrow I will ring Citizen's advice and also Macmillan - to ask what my rights are.

I don't feel quite so shaky now. My lovely mum has also said that she will sell her house and put her money into the pot to buy a property - if it comes to that.

Itstartshere Tue 10-Sep-13 21:12:41

Can't offer any practical advice but just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're in such a crappy situation. Your poor DD and poor you. Has your DD got another strong adult in her life who she can talk to when she's struggling? It's such a lot for you both to deal with.
Cancer is such a bastard.

kali110 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:04:11

Op you sound like a fab mom dont forget that. I was very very ill when i was 16. Took counselling and lot of trials of different medication but things did get better. Hope you will seek help or support, i can completely understand why you are feeing do low at the moment.
I feel for your daughter and can understand the shock to your daughters system. I adored my dad and if he hAd of left when i was young i probably would have had a breakdown.

Fairylea Tue 10-Sep-13 20:03:47

Oh and obviously I mean remove him from the mortgage too if you haven't already done this.

Fairylea Tue 10-Sep-13 20:02:52

I think for your own sanity you need to speak with a solicitor and remove your ex from your finances. He needs to be paying maintenance towards your dd until she is 18 but that is all. I think all this paying you maintenance and so on is not allowing you to let go and move on properly.

Could you rent out a room in the house to enable you to pay the mortgage off without having to rely on your ex?

Could you sell and rent, claiming some help with the housing cost under your own health grounds? Use some of the equity money as a deposit on a private rental? Go on a good holiday with the rest??

I know it's awful and scary but this situation with your ex is dragging you further down and you have enough to deal with. The man sounds like an arsehole. An arsehole is always an arsehole. You need to stop expecting him to be anything else.

FloraFoxley Tue 10-Sep-13 16:44:56

Is your daughter maybe feeding off your reaction to all of this?

olgaga Tue 10-Sep-13 15:26:10

Your treatment is obviously a priority but I would urge you to talk to your consultant on a 'what if' basis. She/he may be able to help you.

This continuing dependence/reliance on your ex for accommodation, the instability and stress of the situation you're currently in can't be doing either you or DD any good.

It does sound as though your ex has firmly decided to move on.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs it sounds as though it will become increasingly difficult for you to deal with the situation, your illness and your DD's need for support without your family nearby.

FreudiansSlipper Tue 10-Sep-13 14:38:02

practical .....

not piratical

FreudiansSlipper Tue 10-Sep-13 14:35:33

how awful for you sad sadly for whatever reason and their is not one good enough he has decided to turn his back on his child this will take time to deal with

in the meantime if you can get yourself to a solicitor please go

he is a high earner. the csa do not deal with maintenance issues once someone is earning over 102k a year. he is expected to keep his children in a similar standard of lifestyle as he is living regardless what your relationship was with him

my ex earns similar money and i get a lot more from him. sadly this will need to be done through a solicitor as he is not being reasonable and that i am afriad you are going to have to get your head around and it hurts but try and keep the piratical side separate and do not bother to try and reason with him he has gone beyond that

fabergeegg Tue 10-Sep-13 14:26:34

I don't have anything to add I'm afraid but just wanted to reach out with sympathy. You're in an impossible situation and it must be agonising to watch your daughter suffer unnecessarily. You haven't said if your ex gives a reason for refusing to meet up with/call his daughter - I'm not accusing you of being interfering for one moment but do wonder if there might be another family member who could act as a go-between, leaving your ex free to interact with his daughter only? If he's making some silly excuse about it being a hassle to see his daughter, that would knock it on the head.

I quite understand why you wish to kill him. So would I. But often selfishness brings its own punishments eventually...you are the one who is getting to know your beautiful daughter. Focus on that. And her.

Punkatheart Tue 10-Sep-13 13:40:39

If I move towards my family, I move to Wales and then I cannot be seen by my specialist in London (Guys). That's not an option for me.

Yes, part of me does want a whole fresh start but my illness is so erratic and if I start this new chemo regime, I will become very sick. Ironically, the one I am on at the moment gives the superficial maintenance that makes people think I am really well - shiny hair, bit more energy etc. But it's not doing the job and preventing tumours, which are now appearing.

Really, I need rest, calm and as little stress as possible. To be well is doubly important - to cope with my daughter.

You lot are fabulous though - as ever. A kind, wise practical bunch of people. I am tremendously grateful for you taking the time to respond to a stranger.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Tue 10-Sep-13 13:26:28

I am sorry things are so shit for you. The cancer is not fair, neither is your ex's behaviour and the contrast between your life and his.

I think, for your sanity, you need to let go of what is "fair" and do whatever it takes to move away from any sort of dependence on him, both financial and emotional. It may well be necessary to sell the house and start over, but try to turn that into a positive new start for you and your dd, perhaps closer to your family. It cannot be making things any easier for you to still be tied to your ex via money.

olgaga Tue 10-Sep-13 13:11:05

Sad as it is you cannot force him to have a relationship with his daughter.

Would selling the house allow you to move nearer your family for support for you and DD, and give you both a fresh start?

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