I know that men leave and relationships break down. I am a realist. But when my ex left two years ago, I had cancer (still have) and I had been very ill for ten years, having had some horrific treatments. It means I haven't been able to work - although I have tried. My daughter reacted to her dad's leaving in a really horrific way - she had to be seen by a cardiologist for the physical shock, then she developed some mental problems which are now really serious - inlcuding severe depression, an eating disorder and some involvement with drugs.
I am pretty ill still (incurable lymphoma) and it has been suggested that I go on another chemo clinical trial. I will have to come off my current medication - be pretty unwell - to take the risk for this new drug.
My ex is currently supporting us by paying the bills and £250 per month for me on which to live. He earns over £2,500 per week in a very high profile industry.
I have told my ex - pretty tearfully - the really horrific troubles with our daughter. I am finding life in general truly horrible and one night I even went to a train station where I know there are fast trains. I just wanted all the bad stuff to stop - but the knowledge that my daughter really really needed me, stopped me - as did the thought of the train driver's family.
My daughter refuses to speak to her father but she is very ill and refuses to speak to a number of people. Every day is difficult - I can't tell you how difficult. We are all mothers (or fathers) here - we know how tough children can be. Add to the mix an exhausting form of cancer that is also disfiguring - then imagine how I felt getting an email from the ex fundamentally bullying us out of our home and wanting to relieve himself of any financial burden. Yes, he has a new girfriend and there are lots of lovely pictures of them in holiday photos. He says he wants a future for himself and there is never a mention of his daughter. Sometimes he says 'I would love to help and be supportive.' That supports includes turning off his phone and when our daughter attempted suicide he told me she was just a stubborn teen. STUBBORN TEEN! She is currently in the mental health system and has regular and horrific meltdowns.
I feel so shaky I can hardly get out of bed. I find I have to force myself to smile, to try and get stability for my child. It's also making me so much more ill.
But meanwhile in his world he is greatly respected and loved. He is well known for what he does - he plays the kind cuddly man in public but I have never met such a hard individual. My daughter is everything to me and I want to stay in my home, try and get my illness under control and then get a future for her and myself.
I have never wanted to kill someone as much as I want to kill him. He never asks about his daughter, he ignores any updates which contain information that upset him, he says that seeing me has a distressing effect on me. His phone is always off - so he sends the email 'I don't want to seem hard but...'
Thank you for listening - even if you think I am over reacting. A number of lovely people helped me previously when I was so very low that I didn't want to go on. I cannot get to that place again. But if we sold our house, the way he has managed the money (badly) will mean that we will barely have anything left. I have nothing on which to live.
I guess I am frightened really. I have tried to be a good person but now I don't feel very good. In fact, I feel quite evil. And ill. I am desperately looking for writing work - I know that is my only talent and I am very accomplished at it. You wouldn't tell from this post though....I am all over the place.
AIBU?
...to be so angry I can barely function
Punkatheart · 10/09/2013 08:33
Sorry. I don't have any practical advice but your anger is natural and justifiable.
I don't really have any useful advice, but I couldn't read this and ignore it. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Sometimes life can seem unbearably cruel. 
Your resilience and perseverance is quite frankly awe-inspiring. You say you hate your illness and yourself, but you really shouldn't. Your illness is fair enough, but you should feel proud of yourself. You've been dealt an unimaginable degree of shit and you've kept on going despite the enormous cost to your wellbeing because you want so much to do the right thing for your DD. That's a wonderful parent. If anything gets your DD out the other side of her problems, it will be the knowledge that she is loved by a mother who has never, ever not been there for her.
I think you have to go into survival mode to get through this, rather than concentrating on what's fair, moral and right. You can have a go at appealing to your X's better nature one last time, but it doesn't sound like it will help much. Instead, use the law to protect yourself. Isn't there some law that allows dependent children and the parent with care to stay in the family home even if it's in the non-resident parent's name? Given your incurable illness and your DD's MH issues, I think you'd have a damned good case, especially with an X who has that degree of income. Make sure you're getting the maximum CSA. Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to?
As another parent whose X takes very little interest in the DC, I understand your pain and anger. I'm not going to tell you it's wrong because anger is a perfectly healthy response to an unjust situation. It's how you channel it that counts. Direct it to fighting to make your X step up to his legal and financial responsibilities even if he won't meet his emotional and caring ones. You can't make him step up, as you know. All you can do is keep reassuring DD that none of it is her fault. I"m not going to pretend that she'll come out of it unscathed because we both know that's not true, but hopefully with enough reassurance, her heart will eventually come to realise that what you're telling her is true. Her father's inadequacies are for him to own; they are not of her making. He is a coward. It's not that he doesn't care probably. It's that he knows what is expected of him to do the right thing is greater than he has the capacity to give. That's a character flaw, although it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person; just a weak one who can manage to hide behind other good deeds to convince the world (and himself) that he's a decent person. That may come back to bite him severely in later years, but that's not your problem.
You are doing a great job in truly shitty circumstances. I hope you find some light at the end of the tunnel soon. 
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