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to hold a grudge against someone because of a Facebook status?

(84 Posts)
Screenshotqueen Sat 07-Sep-13 19:09:07

Nc for this. The early hours of the morning after her brother's funeral my 39 year old cousin updated her Facebook status as following:

...so, how many of us woke up today and thought, I know, I'm going to a funeral today, so lets take a CAMERA!!!!!!! Sick!!! Sick!!! Sick!!! I hope them photo's you took bring you many happy memories!!!! If this comment offends you just think how you offended us today!!!!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Put them photo's on here at your peril ladies!!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!!

Then she gets the desired result lots of attention and sympathy from her hundreds of ignorant 'friends' who obviously take this to mean that some creep was chasing the coffin with a pap lens during the service and burial. She does not correct them. She laps all the attention up.

Until someone (my dsis1) who was actually at the funeral comes on to comment that no one was taking pictures at the ceremony and that my cousin was referring to the fact that some people, members of the extended family, myself and my lovely dd included, were using their cameras and phones at the pub afterwards taking photos of each other with family members that we rarely see. No one had objected to this completely normal phenomenon of this day and age. Unfortunately funerals now being one of the events that brings us all together.

Another person (my dsis2) came on to say that no offence was intended, if anyone from the immediate family had objected at the time, all cameras and phones would have been respectfully put away. And also pointed out the fact that at another family funeral 6 months before this one my cousin was happily posing for pictures at the wake with her new baby grandson.

All the ignorant sympathetic comments from my cousins many many Facebook 'friends' stopped once the truth came out and my cousin took great exception to having her moment of drama ended so she pm both my sisters that she thought it was still wrong to take photos in the pub (neither of them had taken photos but they had had their photos taken) and she never ever wanted to speak to either of them again. And deleted them from Facebook.

I went to visit my grieving aunt and uncle to apologise to them if they had been offended by us taking photos of each other, both said that they were not. I was not sure if they were aware of their daughters awful Facebook status but did not want to trouble them with that knowledge. It was just too ridiculous and childish a thing to put upon them.

I then proceeded to delete and block my cousin from my Facebook without a word to her. It was just too upsetting. My dsis's also blocked her even though they had already been deleted by her.

A couple of days after that I got a text from my aunt asking why me and my sisters had blocked her daughter from facebook as she had gone crying to her parents. My aunt does not understand facebook and has never used it so I told her I was no longer on facebook (I removed my profile altogether for a while).

I then received a call from my heartbroken uncle asking me to 'cut my cousin some slack' as she had just buried her brother. I said ok and meant it for their sake and went out of my way to go and see my cousin - I did not mention the FB status we just exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes re: how are the dc's etc. I have sent her birthday Xmas and new year texts.

Without going into anything else this is not the first time she has upset people by behaving like an absolute dick and a bully. I have always been so very very tolerant of her ridiculous behaviour in the past and have stuck up for her but over a year has passed since this incident and now and again I am back there at that horrible time, especially after I have seen her. I last saw her a few weeks ago at a family christening and I had to deliberately completely avoid her as I cannot stand her anymore!

Have I broken my promise to 'cut her some slack' or have I done well not to rip her fucking head off - not for attacking me so much as attacking my beautiful 19yo dd who is worth a million of her? WWYD?

Sorry for the rant. Thanks if you got this far.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 07-Sep-13 19:43:12

YABU. Regardless of what you think of her, she is grieving and you were in the wrong for taking photos at the pub afterwards as if it were a happy family gathering.

Chocolatehunter Sat 07-Sep-13 19:43:28

So you let your 19 year old dd take photos at a wake, and you are seriously considering whether you are unreasonable or not? Of course you are. Maybe you should have taught her something about appropriate behaviour. Your family may not see each other very often but it's not your day. Its a solemn and hard occasion and when my father passed away I could barely watch everyone eat at his wake without the gut wrenching pain of knowing why we were all there. I cant believe you've had to be told by a grieving parent to cut his daughter some slack, you should be ashamed.

Lilyloo Sat 07-Sep-13 19:44:15

Oh right your dd was taking photos to ?

Do you really think its appropriate to take photos at a funeral ?

We recently attended dp's nans funeral and family were there from as far as Australia I just couldn't imagine using that opportunity to take photos.

I don't think you have cut her slack , you have avoided her since, people can be a little sensitive when they have just buried an immediate family member . Yabu

VashtaNerada Sat 07-Sep-13 19:46:22

I think it's acceptable to take photos at the wake, as long as everyone in the photo is okay with that.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 07-Sep-13 19:48:26

OP are you serious. You and your sisters need to grow up , all this over FB.

Sunnysummer Sat 07-Sep-13 19:50:03

YA all BU, but she has just buried her brother so should be cut some slack.

You and your sister, on the other hand. took family photos at a funeral as if it were a reunion (B a bit U), had a Facebook wall war with a grieving sister (B very U) and came on here with a a ridiculously long rant about it instead of sorting this out in real life (B very very U).

CharityFunDay Sat 07-Sep-13 19:51:59

You say this incident was a year ago. I think you ought to have moved on emotionally by now. And so should she.

I would perhaps be offended by family photographs at a wake, depends how raw my grief was (for instance, the funeral of a 102 year old is not as devastating as that of a teenager).

All in all, SWBUbutwithagoodexcuse and YABabitU.

Viviennemary Sat 07-Sep-13 19:52:52

Some people for some strange reason take photographs at funerals. I don't think it's on but that's my opinion. But to put them on Facebook. That is the lowest.

PoppadomPreach Sat 07-Sep-13 19:55:21

I don't think it's appropriate to take photos at a wake. I'd have been pretty upset if people had at my mum's funeral - it would seem like they just thought the wake was an excuse for a jolly old family reunion, and not to remember the deceased.

She has just lost her brother at a ridiculously young age. She is massively grieving. Her post may be a bit OTT but she's in a very dark place at the moment.

I think you are highly insensitive, OP and absolutely unreasonable.

100% YABU.

LtEveDallas Sat 07-Sep-13 19:55:57

Christ, at my brothers funeral people were taking photos immediately after the cremation, in the gardens, of each other and of the flowers.

At the club after people were laughing, drinking, crying, taking photos, eating and reminiscing.

NONE of the above is any different from ANY adult funeral I have ever been to.

In fact at my brothers funeral one of my cousins stood up and invited everyone there to his daughters 16th birthday the following month because (and this is as much a direct quote as I can remember) "I'm sick of us all only getting together at funerals". It was well received, even by my mum who was in a terrible state and yes, we did all go to the party (poor girl, her birthday was hijacked by about 150 family members, many of whom she'd never met!)

I don't think OP was out of order, and I don't blame her for not wanting to speak to her cousin again.

Viviennemary Sat 07-Sep-13 19:59:00

Misunderstood your post completely. I apologise. Thought you were complaining about the photographs. It appears not. Highly insensitive and crass to be taking photographs at a wake. I'd have been horrified if anybody tried this at a funeral of my close family. You are in the wrong.

Osmiornica Sat 07-Sep-13 19:59:05

YABU. I don't understand the bit about her attacking your 19 year old either - when was this and what did she do?

I think taking pictures and presumably smiling away whilst she was greiving at the wake was off and you should have apologised and moved on. The whole facebook thing is childish but then I don't like it anyway so could be biased.

TheBigJessie Sat 07-Sep-13 20:04:12

I think OP's daughter was one of the ones taking pictures after the funeral. OP was enraged by the status update because it was aimed at her daughter.

Crumbledwalnuts Sat 07-Sep-13 20:04:48

Oh my goodness her brother just died. The status she wrote doesn't matter, none of it matters. Of course she's not being a hypocrite with the photos posing at another funeral. It was her brother - maybe her first experience of gut-wrenching grief. How could you upset their parents? You should have just said nothing about any of it. What are you talking about, enjoying the drama? Her brother died.

Crumbledwalnuts Sat 07-Sep-13 20:05:35

Who cares about an FB status attacking your daughter when she's lost her brother? You are in the wrong absolutely.

Crumbledwalnuts Sat 07-Sep-13 20:06:33

Not even the taking photos matters. Sounds pretty normal to me and you and lots of people but so what. You should have let it be.

everlong Sat 07-Sep-13 20:12:59

OP are you for real?

It's not about you all this. Your cousin is grieving, she's not doing this for attention fgs.

And as for you blocking her. I've heard it all.

SarahAndFuck Sat 07-Sep-13 20:13:01

Taking photographs after a funeral isn't something I personally would feel comfortable with. But neither is posting about that funeral on Facebook.

You say this cousin had previously taken photographs of her own at another family members funeral so I think it was a fair assumption to think it was okay at this one, especially as the man's own parents didn't mind.

I've seen a similar thing on Facebook this week. Not about photographs but about posting about a death and subsequent funeral on statuses. Some of the younger family members have posted, some of the older ones have politely reminded them they were asked not to do so, the younger ones were not happy about that.

This to me sounds like more than grief and perceived inappropriateness. You have described her as a dick and a bully and said this isn't the first time. If it were, she might be justified as she was in the early stages of grief, but if she does this at other times YANBU to feel you can no longer try to get along.

It really sounds like you don't like her and although you have tried to cut her the slack your uncle requested in regard to the Facebook argument but it goes deeper than that and you can't do it anymore because of the other incidents.

You are probably both best to avoid each other from now on, it sounds like the other history you haven't gone into detail with is too much to make cutting her any more slack impossible.

AnneTwacky Sat 07-Sep-13 20:14:55

To be honest I think you've totally over-reacted to a silly facebook status from a grieving, emotional woman, when she probably needed your support.

The fact that you're still seething over this after a year is not good either. You need to let it go.

Screenshotqueen Sat 07-Sep-13 20:18:05

No photos appeared on facebook. I had to block her from FB not as a 'punishment' but to protect myself from seeing her crap about other anonymous folk she happens to 'fuming' with at any given time. I was really surprised that she noticed so quickly that I had gone from her FB as she has hundreds of friends. I was even more surprised that she had troubled her heartbroken parents with it.

I did cut her some slack as my uncle asked me to. Not because I thought I had offended her. But because she just wanted a bit of attention. I know she wasn't offended. We were drinking laughing and talking that evening in the pub and she did not mention anything. She had a skinful and went on the Internet for a rant in the early hours. I apologised to her parents. Her parents told me they had not been offended. And her brothers were not offended.

Whether taking photos at the pub after a funeral is appropriate or not seems to be a matter of opinion. It seems like a very normal thing to do for many people. It was a normal thing for my cousin at a previous family funeral!

Bluemonkeyspots Sat 07-Sep-13 20:18:34

My dh's family are very a bit odd and at a recent funeral the ds of the deceased took hundreds of pictures. We had flowers/mourners/the hearse on its journey/the curtain coming down in the crem/loads of coffin shots and the worst of all was "selfies" the ds took during the open coffin viewing in which you can see the open coffin and the corpses shoulder!

What you are describing is nothing compared to this (though dh's family are so odd that none of them even commented in the pictures)

everlong Sat 07-Sep-13 20:21:03

Whatever you think is going on in her head is irrelevant because you don't actually know. She's lost her brother and won't ever change.

iWillDoItInAMinute Sat 07-Sep-13 20:21:24

At my DMs wake, my BIL decided to take photos. He requested my DBs, DSis and me to have a group picture.

I was standing with a group of people who had throughout my life, treated my DM like she didn't matter, on my DMs patio in her beloved garden.

The last time (4 years ago) I saw my DSis and BIL he handed me a copy of the group photo and photos he had taken of my DC. I hated them and I hate him.

Why would I want photos to remind me of one of the worst days of my life? The worst being when I held my DMs hand as she died, in a hospital bed, not where she wanted to be.

YABU people should respect that grief affects us all differently. Keep the cameras for happy occasions

Mintyy Sat 07-Sep-13 20:22:04

Honestly, I think you come out of this badly.

HeyUGuys Sat 07-Sep-13 20:23:18

When my DM buried my DB she took photos of flowers, when my friend buried her DS she took photos, when we buried my great grandmother, we took photos. Not just of flowers but of people, there were relatives from all over the place meeting relatives they had never met before, and prob wont again.

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