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to hold a grudge against someone because of a Facebook status?

(84 Posts)
Screenshotqueen Sat 07-Sep-13 19:09:07

Nc for this. The early hours of the morning after her brother's funeral my 39 year old cousin updated her Facebook status as following:

...so, how many of us woke up today and thought, I know, I'm going to a funeral today, so lets take a CAMERA!!!!!!! Sick!!! Sick!!! Sick!!! I hope them photo's you took bring you many happy memories!!!! If this comment offends you just think how you offended us today!!!!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Put them photo's on here at your peril ladies!!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!!

Then she gets the desired result lots of attention and sympathy from her hundreds of ignorant 'friends' who obviously take this to mean that some creep was chasing the coffin with a pap lens during the service and burial. She does not correct them. She laps all the attention up.

Until someone (my dsis1) who was actually at the funeral comes on to comment that no one was taking pictures at the ceremony and that my cousin was referring to the fact that some people, members of the extended family, myself and my lovely dd included, were using their cameras and phones at the pub afterwards taking photos of each other with family members that we rarely see. No one had objected to this completely normal phenomenon of this day and age. Unfortunately funerals now being one of the events that brings us all together.

Another person (my dsis2) came on to say that no offence was intended, if anyone from the immediate family had objected at the time, all cameras and phones would have been respectfully put away. And also pointed out the fact that at another family funeral 6 months before this one my cousin was happily posing for pictures at the wake with her new baby grandson.

All the ignorant sympathetic comments from my cousins many many Facebook 'friends' stopped once the truth came out and my cousin took great exception to having her moment of drama ended so she pm both my sisters that she thought it was still wrong to take photos in the pub (neither of them had taken photos but they had had their photos taken) and she never ever wanted to speak to either of them again. And deleted them from Facebook.

I went to visit my grieving aunt and uncle to apologise to them if they had been offended by us taking photos of each other, both said that they were not. I was not sure if they were aware of their daughters awful Facebook status but did not want to trouble them with that knowledge. It was just too ridiculous and childish a thing to put upon them.

I then proceeded to delete and block my cousin from my Facebook without a word to her. It was just too upsetting. My dsis's also blocked her even though they had already been deleted by her.

A couple of days after that I got a text from my aunt asking why me and my sisters had blocked her daughter from facebook as she had gone crying to her parents. My aunt does not understand facebook and has never used it so I told her I was no longer on facebook (I removed my profile altogether for a while).

I then received a call from my heartbroken uncle asking me to 'cut my cousin some slack' as she had just buried her brother. I said ok and meant it for their sake and went out of my way to go and see my cousin - I did not mention the FB status we just exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes re: how are the dc's etc. I have sent her birthday Xmas and new year texts.

Without going into anything else this is not the first time she has upset people by behaving like an absolute dick and a bully. I have always been so very very tolerant of her ridiculous behaviour in the past and have stuck up for her but over a year has passed since this incident and now and again I am back there at that horrible time, especially after I have seen her. I last saw her a few weeks ago at a family christening and I had to deliberately completely avoid her as I cannot stand her anymore!

Have I broken my promise to 'cut her some slack' or have I done well not to rip her fucking head off - not for attacking me so much as attacking my beautiful 19yo dd who is worth a million of her? WWYD?

Sorry for the rant. Thanks if you got this far.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 07-Sep-13 19:15:38

I think YABU. Your sisters too. They should NEVER have gone on FB to discuss it in front of everyone else on there....but should have privately talked to her. She HAS just buried her brother and in her position I might also be over the top....I also don't like cameras in every situation and even the pub afterwards might have added too much of a happy atmosphere to the occasion for her liking....to normal if you see what I mean.

SO yes...YABU

SubliminalMassaging Sat 07-Sep-13 19:15:43

She sounds a little OTT to say the least and her status is cringey and attention seeking but I am inclined to agree with your uncle - cut her some slack. Personally I would not have risked taking photos at a funeral (even if it was just in the pub afterwards) if I was not one of the chief mourners and din't need to worry about offending anyne who may have been even more upset and close the the deseased than I was. I could have smacked of turning a sombre occasion into something a bit flippant. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way but there's no accounting for how other people feel.

SubliminalMassaging Sat 07-Sep-13 19:16:46

Sorry I've just realised that was mangled and badly worded. I hope you got my gist.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 07-Sep-13 19:18:34

Yes...it was explained fine...but you're still being unreasonable.

EvieanneVolvic Sat 07-Sep-13 19:19:34

OP are you serious?

Crowler Sat 07-Sep-13 19:21:33

She's emotional, and you and your sister (or maybe just you?) have de-friended her on FB. I think YABU.

Lilyloo Sat 07-Sep-13 19:25:33

Am confused about when she attacked your dd ?

josiejay Sat 07-Sep-13 19:26:46

I wouldn't take photos at a funeral personally, just seems a bit too jolly. If you feel you haven't seen your family in a long time then perhaps the funeral is an opportunity to make plans to meet up again in more pleasant circumstances.

I think the appropriate response here would have been a PM saying no offence was meant by the pictures and offering condolences once again. It's not like you or your daughter were being named on the status and needed to defend yourselves. The people commenting didn't know who was involved I presume so no need to have a public row with someone who is recently bereaved.

Sparklymommy Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:25

I think you need to discuss it with your cousin tbh. You have clearly been upset by this but so has she and I can see that the upset caused has been left to fester. You need to clear the air and see if you can move on from this. Would your deceased cousin want this? I doubt it very much.

Lilacroses Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:33

Oh dear....she has just buried her brother! I think you ought to have sucked it up or contacted her privately. I can understand you feeling upset but really her feelings are paramount in this situation aren't they?

RobinSparkles United States Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:34

She's grieving for her BROTHER. I think you need to cut her some slack.

Btw, IMVHO, a funeral is a place to say goodbye to a dearly departed loved one. It's not a family reunion. I think blatant photo taking was a bit insensitive but that's just my opinion.

FutTheShuckUp Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:34

You and your sisters sound like arses. Try and imagine your sorrow and how you may feel when people are acting like they are at any other family gathering at your young siblings wake. Not appropriate at all

mynameisslimshady Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:42

She has a rant, without naming names, about behaviour she found inappropriate at her brothers funeral, the day after she buried her him, and your sisters criticise her previous behaviour and point out they did nothing wrong on FB so anyone can read it?

They should have PMd her and reassured her they wouldn't be going online. I can see why she wouldn't want to be faced with those pictures being plastered all over FB to be honest.

As for all your 'attention seeking' and 'lapping it up' comments, they are really mean.

RobinSparkles United States Sat 07-Sep-13 19:29:52

Meant to add that I don't think that FB is the place for her to talk about this either but grief makes you do daft things sometimes.

MairzyDoats Sat 07-Sep-13 19:30:01

TBH she sounds like the kind of person I'd go out of my way to avoid (without drawing attention to the fact that I was avoiding her IYSWIM.) The world is full of dicks and the only way to survive them is not to engage. You can remain friends but hide her posts on fb so you don't have to see her. And remain quietly serene that you are behaving like the bigger person.

OrthodonticUrticaria Sat 07-Sep-13 19:32:10

Am I reading this right? She ranted about a personal matter on FB, your sis said that no offence had been intended and a word should have been said at the time (rather than ranting on FB)

She then deletes your sis and goes crying to her parents, (soon after they buried their son) moaning that your sis blocked her off FB? When she's deleted your sis?

Oh FFS. I can hardly be arsed to write this response, this is SO pathetic. Even if your sis HAD instigated the FB blocking, is it REALLY something she had to annoy her grieving parents with?

39, you say? IQ, or age?

Sounds to me like somebody wanted some attention.

" this is not the first time she has upset people by behaving like an absolute dick and a bully. I have always been so very very tolerant of her ridiculous behaviour in the past "
^^I've seen people use grief as an excuse to behave in the most ridiculous manner before. That "cut her some slack" quote rings bells from my own experiences. Its insulting to the person who has died, to be frank.

If this is the way she's always behaved, you're better off without her in your life. I just hope your apology went some way to mending bridges with your grieving aunt and uncle.

Using FB to rant is just fucking pathetic in NORMAL circumstances, but in this case, well, words fail me. I can't stand those attention seeking PA ambiguous posts that talk about "SOME [nameless] PEOPLE" designed to get lots of <<hugz>> and <<u ok, hun>>> replies from the sheep that follow.

SIBU to trouble her parents with this shit that she kicked off.
Definitely attention seeking.

I think its bad taste to take photographs at a funeral and the wake. Yabu.

WaitMonkey Sat 07-Sep-13 19:34:27

YABU, for all the reasons mentioned above. And taking photos, at a funeral really isn't appropriate, even if taken at the pub.

pianodoodle Sat 07-Sep-13 19:37:38

I agree more with OrthodonticUrticaria's view that's how I read it too.

It does sound like she is difficult in general. I'd just cary on being polite etc... but keep at a distance.

kali110 United States Sat 07-Sep-13 19:37:57

I think yabu. I can understand her. When i lost my dad my ex partners family took photos of him in his suit. I was so offended even though i know it weren't their intention. I can understand the people at the funeral didn't mean to upset anyone but i would have felt the same seeing people taking pictures at the funeral. You should cut her some slack, she is grieving.
Your comments about her attention seeking are spiteful. Some people use fb for support.you should be supporting her at this time. Think you sound immature for blocking her because she was offended at pics being taken.

PigOnStilts Sat 07-Sep-13 19:38:42

Yabu totally wrong to take photos. Jesus. Your poor cousin.

TidyDancer England Sat 07-Sep-13 19:40:07

While I think the taking of photos at the wake was a mistake, I sympathise with the OP. I have a cousin who sounds exactly like the OP's cousin, an attention seeking bully with a history of unreasonable behaviour.

You can excuse and understand an element of silliness when the person in question has suffered a bereavement, but when you're dealing with someone who doesn't behave themselves under the best of circumstances, it's hard to be objective.

There's wrong on both sides of this.

TidyDancer England Sat 07-Sep-13 19:42:51

And bare in mind as well, that the OP's cousin did exactly the same thing at a funeral earlier in the year. To berate people for behaviour you have displayed yourself not so long ago is not on.

TheBigJessie Sat 07-Sep-13 19:42:58

I think I would have PMed her privately about the photography.

The status update was a bereaved woman expressing her feelings, and should have been respected as such, instead of being treated as a cue for barrack-room lawyering.

Even if I thought that she was being unreasonable, I would have let it go, because she'd just buried her brother.

I'm guessing that there's a huge amount of back story and accompanying resentment here, that made the OP feel that the cousin had used up all the slack one person was actually allowed in a lifetime?

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