To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

(231 Posts)
InViennaWeWerePoetry Sat 07-Sep-13 18:08:42

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

MairzyDoats Sun 15-Sep-13 17:27:03

Has your aunt backed down yet OP? I really hope so!

2ndryschoolmum2010 Wed 11-Sep-13 18:16:37

I'm so so sooooo angry for you!

2ndryschoolmum2010 Wed 11-Sep-13 18:15:35

I read this and thought it was going to be some pathetic "party politics" thread with someone getting in a huff over nothing - But damn - Your aunt is a royal c**t and I am sorry that you have to be stressed about something that should not even be an issue - I hope the rest of your family are more supportive and embracing of your DD!

Before MN I had never even heard of people acting so awfully to adopted children and their parents. I mean, I was aware of the "real mother" thing of course, but honestly, "they are not your real children"?!?!???!?!

My dad was adopted and thank goodness he never had any of this. Neither did DBro and I as "adopted grandchildren" or whatever. We were just grandchildren or cousins or whatever. As your DD should be.

I am appalled and outraged on your behalf OP and I hope you can manage a way through it. I am so glad your parents and your brother are being supportive.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Wed 11-Sep-13 17:29:16

Rowlers is right. It's her way of gaining control and is nothing to do with your DD, in my opinion. It's almost quite likely like Keema says that she is trying to get back at you about the wedding because she thought you ruined everything for her. She's a narcissist and narcissists really can't see past their own noses.

The afternoon tea idea sounds absolutely lovely. I am sure your grandparents would love that too. Low key, not over the top and hopefully something that wont zap them of a lot of energy and yet remind them what a special occasion it is.

All in all though, I hope your grandparents have a wonderful day. How long is it going to be in?

MrsLouisTheroux Tue 10-Sep-13 21:01:39

Have your family decided what to do OP?

Do you think its her petty revenge for you not making it to the wedding?

Pimpf Mon 09-Sep-13 21:49:09

Your aunt is an absolute loon. Seeing this, agree my earlier suggestion if turning up is completely wrong. She obviously cannot be reasoned with so I agree with others suggesting a lovely afternoon out, it would be a terrible shame if they were to fill up on a scrummybafternoon tea and be too tired to I out for dinner wink

Rowlers Mon 09-Sep-13 21:21:59

You know the good news is though that this isn't actually so much about your DD being accepted.
It's much more about your aunt being a narc nutter.
Afternoon tea sounds splendid.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 09-Sep-13 21:18:35

I like the afternoon tea idea too.

Interesting about the 'surprise party as an act of aggression' hackmum. It's an act of asserting control, I suppose. I know that my mum for one would not want a surprise party as she would want input into the guest list etc and would be mortified that she had not been able to choose her clothes with the knowledge that it was for exactly that occasion.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Mon 09-Sep-13 21:18:04

I'm so please your family is supporting you in tgis

kiriwawa Mon 09-Sep-13 20:55:45

I think that sounds like a great idea halfway. I'm sorry your aunt is being such an utterly selfish loon Vienna but I'm so glad your family are supporting you and your DD 100%. Afternoon tea will be fab I'm sure

What a silly woman your aunt is. She sounds remarkably childish, as others have said

Just another thought, are there any tea dances held in your area? Your GPs might like that as they are likely to be of a generation that went in for that kind of thing, and you get dancing and afternoon tea thrown in together.

halfwayupthehill Mon 09-Sep-13 20:42:03

Actually i think now that the aunt's declaration that it's her house so she chooses the guests and the fact that two branches of the family are not going has meant she can't claim to be organising the party FOR the gps, she is just hosting a party in honour of the gps. Let her.
So, depending on the date of the anniversary, the date of the aunt's party and vienna and her family's availability i would organise a nice tea in a hotel, lots of notice, take gm to hairdressers first, photos, flowers, speeches. I would do it the week before the aunt party to avoid accusations of tiring gf out and i would keep it small so you can't be accused of a rival party. But you are getting in there first.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 20:29:32

Good god your Aunt is a woman child, as she never grown up!

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 20:27:41

She threw a complete strop when my mum and I missed her wedding last year and she's never quite forgiven us, as it was apparently scheduled deliberately so it fitted with my work schedule, which can be quite hectic. I was ill at the time and couldn't have gone, with what my aunt claimed wasn't a real condition. We wrote it off at the time as a bad case of bridezillaism.

Afternoon tea with my grandparents sounds like a brilliant idea quietbatperson smile I'll suggest it.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 20:17:51

Without te family

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 20:15:44

Vienna slowly slowly your Aumt is loosing respect and dignity by her childish behaviour. She really doesent get it does she! Good on your mum and family, the way she is going she is going to have tat nice quiet family atmosphere!

How about trumping their party by taking them out somewhere fabulous for afternoon tea, with loads of family? The evil part of me hopes that they won't fancy going out for "dinner" afterwards and cancel, but the nice part of me thinks that it might be nicer for your grandparents than a heart attack inducing surprise party.

friday16 Mon 09-Sep-13 19:58:07

My parents, heading for their sixtieth wedding anniversary as it happens, have always made it clear that they would leave were a "surprise" party to be thrown for a birthday/anniversary/etc and I am inclined to agree. hackmum has it right: they're aggressive because they revolve around the power the giver has over the "lucky" recipient, and use the surprise or other humiliation of the recipient as part of the appeal. On the couple of occasions I've been invited to one I've refused, as I don't want to be part of it.

So I'm not totally surprised that someone organising a surprise party turns out to be a control-freak fuckwit in other ways.

desertgirl Mon 09-Sep-13 19:55:37

goodness Vienna she sounds crazy.... has there been any sign of lunacy in the past? am glad your immediate family are supporting you.

My GPs had a surprise golden wedding party which they did enjoy - they thought we were going out for dinner with them, actually lots of their friends, cousins etc were there... saved GM getting stressed about it in advance - but I can't see the point of having a surprise "quiet family affair"??

how did your mum leave it?

"a nice family atmosphere" - without half the family? Is she always this thick?

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 19:49:57

MrsCakes my aunt is planning on telling my grandparents they're going out for dinner, I think, but I entirely agree with you. The whole thing is badly thought out IMO.

My mum phoned to tell my aunt she and my dad wouldn't be going and she's flipped, started shouting at my mum that "everything in this family revolves around Vienna" and she's sick of everyone reworking their plans around me. She plans to have a nice quiet family affair and she won't have it ruined by me trying to sabotage her party and bring a plus one hmm She has declined my dad's suggestion of hiring a venue on the grounds that she wants to keep it as low key as possible and wants a nice family atmosphere. plus she's just had her lounge extended and can't wait until Christmas to show it off.

reelingintheyears Mon 09-Sep-13 19:25:23

What a sad thread, as if one little girl would be any sort of problem.

Nasty old bag, chuck her.

It's also nice to be able to choose your outfit, have your hair done etc. Especially if there are going to be lots of photos.

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